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reply to post by Night Star
Ok. I guess. I dont want to see her die. But, she is dying. I am trying hard to accept it. I am grieving and she is not gone. It is all so screwed up. She is in pain, she is very sick, she is tired. She cannot even talk on the phone now for more than a couple minutes at a time. The meds they are giving her to combat the side effects from the cancer drugs make her sleepy and loopy.
I miss my friend. I miss her vibrancy. I miss her energy. It is weird, but when I talk to her especially the last couple of days, it is as if what made her "HER" is already gone.
I pray she pulls through this. I just do not think she will. I feel as if I gave up hope. I didnt want to give up. I wanted to be strong and be her cheerleader and remain positive. I just get the feeling she is leaving me.
I am so very sad. My heart truly hurts. You are not supposed to grieve before someone dies. That is the part that freaks me out. WHY am I like this? She is for all intents and purposes STILL here.
See, I have Asperger's syndrome. (Not sure you knew that). There are varying degrees of it, and mine is mild in many areas and profound in others. The common misconception is Aspy's do not feel empathy. I honestly can FEEL others pain, hurt, happiness. I am very weird. If someone I care about is happy, I can feel it and I am happy too. If someone around me is mad, I feel it and I am mad too.
I am losing the ONLY person in my entire life that "gets" me.
Selfish...I am so selfish.
AGH I need a break.