6 months to live...and not a clue what to say

Dear Lisa,

You don't know me, but I want you to know that someone out there is thinking of you at this very moment. I am sending loving thoughts to you, and I pray that you can feel it. I know you are so very tired, and sick of being sick. There are no words I can say that you have not heard over and over.
I want you to just turn it all over to God's hands. Don't think about anything....just relax, and take a long, deep breath...then let it out slowly....and as you let that breath out, let your troubles flow out with it. Think about beautiful things....the stars in the night sky....the wind blowing softly and rustling the leaves....and relax. So many under those stars are going through this with you. Though we are not there physically, it's ok...because we are spiritual beings first and foremost. I can see you in my mind's eye, and spiritually, I am with you, holding your hand and stroking your hair and telling you that you are going to be ok....no matter what happens...you will be ok. I think you know what I am saying. I know in this world, it's hard to believe that people do care and especially people you have never even met physically....but I do care. Your friend has shared her love for you with us, and I feel as if I know you. I just wanted you to know this. Let peace into your heart Lisa, and don't worry about anything. Everyone knows you are doing the best you can. The ONLY thing that matters right now is you. Rest now, and stay strong, and know that you are not alone....
Love and Light and holding your hand....
Kat

reply to post by StealthyKat


That was so beautiful and heartfelt.

I too am thinking of you Lisa with my candle still burning and some incense too. My thoughts and heart are with you. Gentle hug for you dear one and much love.

Hi Lisa
My friends and family don't understand why I get so emotionally embroiled with ATS.

Well this is why, a friend I have never met is in need, a friend I have never even spoken to. Without so much as a thought we gather and support you. We will continue to send you our love and stand by you, though I live in Britain, know that my spirit is with you and will keep you safe from harm. It's OK to cry, it's OK to be loved, it's even OK to let your guard down. We are with you to love and protect you.

Night Star best sums it up for us all....................Night Star if I may borrow your signature ?

Courage doesn't always roar.
Sometimes courage is
the little voice at the end of the day that says
I will try again tomorrow.

Rest now our friend and know you are loved

Cody

reply to post by StealthyKat


I read this to her this morning. She was speechless. She was really quiet and then I read Night Star's and Cody's. She cried. She just said I am so tired, thank you and said she had to go.

I know that your words touched her deeply as they did me.

Thanks guys!!

I am glad that you read our posts to her. Thank you for that K2. How are you holding up Honey?

reply to post by Night Star


Ok. I guess. I dont want to see her die. But, she is dying. I am trying hard to accept it. I am grieving and she is not gone. It is all so screwed up. She is in pain, she is very sick, she is tired. She cannot even talk on the phone now for more than a couple minutes at a time. The meds they are giving her to combat the side effects from the cancer drugs make her sleepy and loopy.

I miss my friend. I miss her vibrancy. I miss her energy. It is weird, but when I talk to her especially the last couple of days, it is as if what made her "HER" is already gone.

I pray she pulls through this. I just do not think she will. I feel as if I gave up hope. I didnt want to give up. I wanted to be strong and be her cheerleader and remain positive. I just get the feeling she is leaving me.

I am so very sad. My heart truly hurts. You are not supposed to grieve before someone dies. That is the part that freaks me out. WHY am I like this? She is for all intents and purposes STILL here.

k21968
reply to post by Night Star

 

Ok. I guess. I dont want to see her die. But, she is dying. I am trying hard to accept it. I am grieving and she is not gone. It is all so screwed up. She is in pain, she is very sick, she is tired. She cannot even talk on the phone now for more than a couple minutes at a time. The meds they are giving her to combat the side effects from the cancer drugs make her sleepy and loopy.

I miss my friend. I miss her vibrancy. I miss her energy. It is weird, but when I talk to her especially the last couple of days, it is as if what made her "HER" is already gone.

I pray she pulls through this. I just do not think she will. I feel as if I gave up hope. I didnt want to give up. I wanted to be strong and be her cheerleader and remain positive. I just get the feeling she is leaving me.

I am so very sad. My heart truly hurts. You are not supposed to grieve before someone dies. That is the part that freaks me out. WHY am I like this? She is for all intents and purposes STILL here.

Your grieving and she is not gone yet...that is normal. You know her time here is limited, you know how badly she will be missed. No one wants to give up hope, but we know there comes a time when we must let go. Like when my Dad died, there was no hope left, they did all they could and it was his time to go.

When it is Lisa's time, she will be released of all pain and suffering. She will go on to something different and better. Do not feel guilty for one minute for feeling whatever you feel. Emotions at this time are like a roller coaster. Lisa wouldn't want you to feel guilty for anything. She knows she is loved and that you have been by her side. She will understand all that you are thinking and feeling.

I have to go have bloodwork done. I'll be back Honey. Do NOT freak out for feeling normal. What you are feeling is perfectly normal. HUGS!

reply to post by k21968


Grief such a strange emotion, so difficult to understand.

Always borne of love and yet, filled with sorrow, self hate, doubt, guilt.

It's probably the hardest emotion to deal with, when I lost my first son (no I didn't leave him on the bus) I was absolutely devastated. Animalistic was the word used to describe my scream.

I hated the world, the very soul of the world was my enemy and I was going to kill it. Make no mistakes I vowed to every being that existed or will exist that I was coming for them and they'd better listen carefully because my name was going to come them in whispers of dread.

I was a bit angry at the time, I was furious with myself for being able to protect him. We knew there was no hope after the brain haemorrhage, and I mourned him before he died, I mourned at his bedside and felt guilty for doing so, you never know Right ?

I like to think I'm quite level headed (mostly). Even as I mourned I knew from my degree what was going on in my head, what was happening in my body. The science of mourning so to speak.

Let me tell you, all those psychologists .................... bloody idiots (I should know I studied to be one)
No one can tell you how to feel when you grieve it's a purely personal thing, and anything you feel my friend is fine.

It's OK to grieve before a death, it's OK to feel guilty about it, and rest assured if the roles were reversed I would be sitting here saying this to Lisa.

I wanted to write my thesis on the mechanics of grief, but my thesis was laughed at,

So I'll let into a secret, my theory on grieving,

I see it as the fear of losing touch with a kindred soul, the guilt of thinking your love isn't strong enough to reach out and still touch each other, the anger of thinking a soul can be ripped from your world without your express permission.

I'll let you into another secret, Lisa would understand, and hold you close, and stroke your hair,and weep for you feeling guilty.

Well that was all quite heavy so I'll leave you with this.
I hope it puts a smile on your face






Thinking of you both
Cody

reply to post by cody599


I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your first son. How absolutely devestating! It is so difficult losing those that we love and cherish. I know of the dread, the empty place left inside that no one else could ever fill, the sadness and despair. I know that dark place. I have lost many people in my life.

I hold on to the fact that, just like being born, death is a natural occurance. We are all born. We all die. It does not mean an end for all eternity. The hard part is that we go at different times and there is always someone left behind to endure the pain and suffering of that loss. It is helpful to have others to share in our grief, to hold us up and help us take baby steps forward. We are never alone.

It always felt strange to me when I lost someone and the world just carried on as though nothing had happened. The sunrise still greeted me, the birds still sang, the squirrels continued with their antics, people went about their daily lives...and all the while something profound had happened, a precious soul had left us. I would look around knowing that something had changed and would never be the same again. What could I do but put one foot in front of the other and carry on.

reply to post by Night Star


Thanks Night Star

It took me years to grieve his passing, but the birth of my daughter and second son helped tremendously.

I loved the use of your term baby steps it was so accurate, I still have Lee's stuffed elephant by my bed, I'm just a big softy at heart.

But this thread is for k2 and Lisa, not for me to harp on.

I thank you for your kind words and understanding.

Cody

reply to post by cody599


Cody, I think this thread has evolved to a how to deal with grief thread. Please share whatever you feel like. Hugs. I am sorry for the loss of your son.

I feel like you are all my family and I love you all.

Never feel this is just about me and Lisa. It is truly about anyone who has lost, or is losing someone they love.

Hugs...

reply to post by cody599


Your words are so profound. You will never know who they touch me. I am sorry for the loss (I hate that term..loss...we didnt misplace them).

Sharing your stories helps me know that I am not mad. It helps me know I will survive because others have been here.

It also helps me see the tender side of my ats friends and that is truly special.

I am just numb right now. Totally unfeeling at the moment. I flip flop between numb and devestated. It is maddening.

I had no idea you studied psychology. You are very gifted and I appreciate you sharing your wisdom with me.

If it was not for you, Kat, and NightStar I really do not know how I would be. I do know, that with you three, I am much much better.

I wake up every day thankful I woke up. Lisa, I am not sure feels the same way. I cannot imagine being where she is.

See, I have Asperger's syndrome. (Not sure you knew that). There are varying degrees of it, and mine is mild in many areas and profound in others. The common misconception is Aspy's do not feel empathy. I honestly can FEEL others pain, hurt, happiness. I am very weird. If someone I care about is happy, I can feel it and I am happy too. If someone around me is mad, I feel it and I am mad too. Perhaps my greatest weakness is I have no gray area. Everything is black or white. I am blonde so most of my life my inability to see the grey area was often written off as blonde moments. But, Lisa knew it was real and I could not help it. She always explained the grey areas to me. Rules...confuse me. They say one thing but mean something else. Those hidden meanings, she always explained. Not that I am stupid, she never made me feel that way, but she knew I honestly could not comprehend them. THose kind of things, she did at the age of 13 that blow me away today. I know GOd sent her as my angel on this earth. I just cannot imagine how I will function without her. Selfish..I am so selfish.

I am not a real social person. I did not have many friends. Being intelligent and socially "off" made it difficult, but from the age of 13 LIsa just "got" me. As selfish as it sounds, I am losing the ONLY person in my entire life that "gets" me. She truly never questioned my quirks. She taught me to embrace them. She made others embrace them. LOL She accepted me 100% for who I am and never wanted me to change. She loved me truly for me.


Selfish...I am so selfish.

AGH I need a break.

See, I have Asperger's syndrome. (Not sure you knew that). There are varying degrees of it, and mine is mild in many areas and profound in others. The common misconception is Aspy's do not feel empathy. I honestly can FEEL others pain, hurt, happiness. I am very weird. If someone I care about is happy, I can feel it and I am happy too. If someone around me is mad, I feel it and I am mad too.

Lucky you're not near me

I'm horny Just kidding

I am losing the ONLY person in my entire life that "gets" me.

Nah you're finding more We're just a bit futher away

Selfish...I am so selfish.

Nope
Caring............You are so caring

AGH I need a break.

You do, I don't know your little vices
But if I were you I'd grab my favourite DVD, a big tub of ice cream, and find every reason to laugh and cry and not have a bloody clue why.

Sometimes it just helps to not understand, and go with the flow.

Nothing wrong with a blow out occasionally, you can curse, swear, and dance like a loony.

If you do

Would you save a dance for me ?

I've already posted the moves

Cody

reply to post by k21968


Selfish because you want her to stay here with you? You are NOT selfish. You have given so much of yourself to your dear friend. It is not selfish for you to love. You love your friend and want her to stay. My goodness, that is a normal reaction Honey. And hell, if that is selfish than every human being on earth is selfish at times and it really is ok. LOL

Please do not blame yourself. You are a human being with normal emotions and reactions at a very difficult time in your life. We love you for who you are too K2!

I have seen through your posts that you are an intelligent warm, kind and compassionate soul with a sense of humor. What's not to love?

reply to post by k21968


be there for her. Give her closure. Offer to do anything she had left undone....say to someone something left unsaid.....

be her child's second mother.....offer her everything her mother would have and let your friend know such.

In the end you must accept it and when you have you will be able to help your friend more.

Give her peace and let her know she is in your heart....to be at ease because you will keep an eye on the affairs of this world for her.

And don't feel selfish. You are not to blame ......you don't have to feel guilty. Your friend will appreciate any normality you can offer her. Be you....that is why she is your friend ....make her know you will be that person to her no matter what.

Good luck ....and my prayers are with your friend and you.

Nothing ends...it just changes....as we do.

reply to post by tadaman


NO
You're awesome

Cody

Just letting you know I am reading here today, even though I may not post much...Don't know why but I'm very sick tonight. Just out of the blue, throwing up and feel so weak. I'm sure it will pass. But I wanted to let you know why I may not be on much....however, I am still praying for you and Lisa.......love you girl....you'll be fine. I'll be here reading and checking in....((((hugs))))

reply to post by cody599


Cody....that baby elephant playing made me smile! So precious!!

reply to post by StealthyKat


Kat I will pray that you feel better. Hugs to you as well. I miss you when you are not here.

Hope you feel better soon Kat! Hugs!