Am I obligated to give him a second chance? Opinions, please...

welsh womens aid psychological abuse listed

how important is it to your children that he stays ok ? Its really important to them . What example is it not to support him , but just to leave ?

Therapy comes from knowledge and understanding of psychological conditions in an empathetic perspective .
If he makes you a victim , dont be , but do be a survivor and good repairer of the damages many will or would do to you and your own through life .

Best of luck , same as the others.

reply to post by daryllyn


Whatever you choose to do, know that you will always have friends online. People you may never meet, but people who have gone through the same sort of thing, people who weigh the good against the bad, and make decisions that will affect their life.

The future is unknown. Nobody but you determines what your life will be. Take that as advice.

I will stress, more important than anything, that you only have one life to live. Don't waste it. When it boils down to facts, it's what you decide as an individual as to what a definition of happiness is. Don't settle for second best, find what you want in life, and go for it. YOU have to be happy, otherwise, you aren't being true to yourself.

The kids? They'll adapt. They always do. I can speak from personal experience. Don't worry about the kids. You have to provide for their needs, but someday, they'll grow up, move out of the house, and become their own persons some day. If you chain your own happiness to their welfare, you'll be miserable still in 16 years when your youngest graduates school. 16 years of what you have now? Naw, not for me either.

Life is full of challenges. The challenges define who we are. Find yourself, do some soul-searching, and decide.

reply to post by daryllyn


I'm sorry if I came across as harsh; you do have friends online here at ATS - count me as one of them.

My main point is broken families are a lot harder to maintain than traditional nuclear family units - even if those units are not ideal. I'm not downplaying how damaging emotional abuse can be, but more that on a scale somethings can be fixed while other things are said and can never be taken back.

You mentioned it's bad, really bad. In that case, coming from someone who has broken from a dysfunctional family unit (divorce) and who's kids are better off today (mine), than please while you have a year left of school, make the best exit plan you can. Save money, find a new location where plenty of day care and flexible job opportunities exist - get him to pay too, as in child support payments. You can do this, but it's really freaking hard alone - and that's just it, until you marry someone else, a new boyfriend doesn't cut it - you are alone with your boys until someone "puts a ring on it."

Good luck. And only you know the right choice, but please be careful out there as a single mom.

Edit: I'd like to ask again, is he a good dad at least? He can be crappy to you but still a "good" dad. The reason I ask is it can help you determine how you end it with everybody getting what they want. Because, truth be told, post break-up with decent people involved, it all comes to balancing all your lives for the kids sake (not to mention balancing schedules and calendars too of ex-boyfriends, their new partners, your new partner, you and the kids - it's gets complex).

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]I am just wondering...

Are you ever obligated to give someone a second chance?

And..

Do you personally believe that people can make a lasting change for the long term?

Those are the main questions.

Background: We have been together for five years. We have two kids. The relationship started out okay (we were on our best behavior in those days though) but has been super disfunctional and rocky for the last three years.

I recently let him know that I am not happy at all. He seemed completely shocked by this and has asked for a second chance but I feel like the damage has been done and I don't know if it is repairable and honestly am not sure that I even want to try anymore.

He is a jerk, plain and simple. Not that I am always easy to get along with either.... for the record.

He says he wants to change and I am like... why now? Why does it matter when you think I am leaving when it hasn't mattered for at least the last 3 years? In my experience, people really don't change. I am sure that there are some out there but I in my experience they are the exception and not the rule.

I am feeling super guilty (not sure why) because he is so upset, the holidays are in full swing and I also feel bad for the kids. Why I am feeling guilty when he is the one that is a giant meanie.... I don't know. I shouldn't have to apologize for the way I feel.

But anyway.

Opinions, please? Stories? Experiences? Advice?

Edited to add: I hit enter before I was actually ready. I didn't intend on leaving the OP blank like that.

edit on 1-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

edit on 1-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

Imo its whatever is in your heart, people on here cant say to you yes or no as only you know how you feel.
but you shouldnt feel guilty for something he brought on himself, and if you do decide that you had enough of him for the reasons you said, it might be hard on your kids at first, but im sure not as hard as seeing their mother miserable and sad if thats how you feel?.
anyway reading your posts your a bright and intelligent person who has a great heart, i hope you make the right choice. s+f for you, and im sorry i couldnt give you a better answer.

Originally posted by nerbot
reply to post by daryllyn

 

Are you saying that you made a bad choice and married the wrong man and that you don't have the commitment it takes to keep the family together?

Not being willing to accept a "second chance" after his initial surprise seems a little selfish to me, what did he do so wrong? What makes him a jerk?

CONSIDER THE KIDS FIRST.

Good luck

We all make and have mad bad choices, sometimes its better to just let them go.
but then i guess an all high and mighty person like you wouldnt know that....

Originally posted by Blaine91555
reply to post by daryllyn

 

One thing that is certain in these circumstances is that both sides always, lie and exaggerate in their own favor.

You are not looking for answers on a board like this one. You are looking for affirmation. You want somebody to tell you that you are right and your spouse is wrong.

For all any of us know you may be a controlling, manipulative person yourself. It does not help your case that you are here seeking support.

Are you and your spouse best friends? If not why were you married? If you are, you should be talking to each other, not airing your dirty laundry here. If you never were, why the marriage?

So you're saying its not ok to ask people who may be your friends something here??,
Or post a personal thread??, how selfish can you be is what i ask you??.
This forum is a great place for opinions and lots of us are friends. But then i guess a selfish person wouldnt really know that...

Originally posted by daryllyn
reply to post by Gazrok

 

[color=dodgerblue]To clarify, and this isn't just for you Gazrok, this is for everyone. Maybe I wasn't clear enough.

He has known that I haven't been happy.. he just didn't know that I was thinking about actually leaving. I would say that he has had plenty of chances. Every time he makes me cry (which is alot) is a chance to turn things around. Every time I say we need to talk is a chance but yet he refuses.

I did a little bit of research on the internet about mental/psychological abuse and I was shocked by how similar all the points were.
[color=mediumorchid]

 

As for the others who are saying 'Well, he didn't abuse you physically, so you should stay...' Physical scars heal faster than psychological ones. Abuse is abuse. Why is one okay and not the other?

I came to the place (I thought) would be the best place in the world for advice (since I lack a real life support system) and have been shocked at some of the replies. I didn't come here for guys to pick me apart, I get picked apart enough as it is... I came here for advice, not judgement, for a vent, not a lecture.

And you know what? I wish I hadn't.

edit on 3-12-2011 by daryllyn because: (no reason given)

Don't feel bad for posting here. All them negative posters just shows how messed up some people are here who replied negative without real reason or answers.
It showed how some of them repliers went back to their husbands just cos they couldnt make it on their own (Like thats not lazy but leaving is??? i mean come on, leaving would be much more harder imo), it shows how some of them repliers are prob guys who are afraid this will happen to them (Well then wake up and be better to your girlfriends/wifes, and hope they dont see this thread and wake up to you).
My mom and dad broke up when i was young. they both split and i was left to live with my granny and grandad.
and i came up fine with no regrets, cos my granny and grandad showed me love they could never.
Yet if they stayed together and was fighting all the time etc, id imagine id be a much more different person.
They showed me love and compassion, and how to be right and do right by another person.
They showed me never to judge a person, i guess thats something alot of people in this thread thats judging you with negative comments needs to learn...

Originally posted by ZIPMATT

I see that happening here , its actually much more annoying to see these others replies telling you to take the children and leave etc , over the heads of your children , yours , and his , than it is to see your (half - baked) report .

Maybe you should learn that lesson your trying to teach of shame, as you're post was so shameful of your character here. And how exactly would her wordings be half baked??, what you had a girl leave you before for being a what i cant say here??, so now you're bitter and cant get over it, so you think every other prick should be left do what they feel like to their wifes???? get over yourself....

Originally posted by unworldly

Originally posted by daryllyn
[color=dodgerblue]He is a jerk, plain and simple.

If he were a nice, sweet, sincere, dependable, reliable, perceptive, insightful, kind, considerate, respectful, thoughtful, caring, loving man... then you wouldn't have stayed with him five weeks--let alone five years.

Go ahead and leave him so he can get on with his life.

Like people cant pretend to be that??. and then once you bring kids into the picture it makes it even harder to leave.
And let him get on with his life?? how rude could you be man. I bet you had many girlfriends leave you and thats the only reason you said that, if you ever had one at all.......

reply to post by daryllyn


Yes give him a second chance. My girlfriend of 4 years has just ended it with me over my trust issues. I was so insecure in myself that I felt a need to check up on her every move. It got quite obsessive actually. I found out a number she had been texting and calling up untill the early hours of the morning when she told me she was too tired to talk on the phone and go to bed. We live just under an hour away from each other and I see her every weekend, and try to in the week if I'm not at uni or at work.

She caught me looking at her phone bill where I found this number and has called the relationship off straight away stating that there was no way we would get back together and that this was best for her. She was angry but I knew something was up so I felt like the only way to get the truth was to do what I did. This happened yesterday and it's the most pain I've ever felt.

I would do anything to get another chance. I know I can change and get over my trust issues as she has an explanation for who the number is. It still doesn't make sense but I'm willing to believe her, I just need a second chance to prove I can be better.

What I am saying is everyone deserves a second chance. Give your partner one, I know I would do anything for a second chance, I miss her so much already and I just don't know what to do with myself now.

reply to post by daryllyn


Some personal experience...I'm an a-hole. I admit it. I'm not the most friendly person and I'm very blunt. I also am not able to see how my words or actions may ill-affect someone. It's sort of nice because I can be as rude as I want to without ever thinking I'm being rude nor feel bad about the situation.

Sound familiar? I fit into the great big category of a-holes and jerks.

While people have been very helpful in showing me how I come as a jerk, it has at least gave me perspective and I mostly think before I speak and think about the ill-effects my words may on others.

The main purpose of this very condenscending post towards my glowing personality, is that no amount of chance is going to change who I have become. Genetics and environment have already determined my personality.

Yes, people can make specific changes in their lives through great loss, great suffering, and changes in their lives. Other than that, keep into perspective how you would go about changing yourself. Why aren't you less sensitive, why aren't you a better person to match his personality?

Do you believe chance will offer you the ability to become a better fit companion? I am not creating a rhetorical question here; it is for you to decide the answer.

I lean either way. With hard work, counseling, and other assistance maybe he too can gain perspective and understanding. In the end, some things will change and some will not.

"Yeah, can I get the opportunity to change my personality in isle 5?" - I so wish I could!

reply to post by daryllyn


People don't change, situations do. Take whatever action you need for you and your children.

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by EspyderMan

 

What you said is OH SO TRUE!!!! Sometimes not hearing what you want or hearing the truth is painful to the ego but every word you said is really true and should be an eye opener for anyone contemplating on leaving their partner. Giving up is easy but working on it is not. To give up thinking the grass will be greener on the other side when in fact it is really dull brown.

Of course being put down by your partner is why a person is born.... really....reading skills seem to deminish by the day.

reply to post by daryllyn


I hope replying to this old thread isn't a bad idea, but I have to ask.

What do you think? Now, a year and a half down the road?

I already know the answer because I've been, and am, in the same situation with my god awful relationship for nearly 20 years now.

BUT, I have a feeling the answer is, yes, SOME people can change

Originally posted by MidnightSunshine
reply to post by daryllyn

 

I hope replying to this old thread isn't a bad idea, but I have to ask.

What do you think? Now, a year and a half down the road?

I already know the answer because I've been, and am, in the same situation with my god awful relationship for nearly 20 years now.

BUT, I have a feeling the answer is, yes, SOME people can change

edit on 18-6-2013 by MidnightSunshine because: (no reason given)

I would be happy to give an update

Ten days after I wrote this thread, he was in a terrible truck accident. He was driving the work truck with his partner and they were stopped, waiting to turn left on a busy highway, and they were hit by a 22 ft long refrigerated box truck travelling at 60mph from behind.

His partner, a much older man, was thrown from the truck and broke EVERY vertebrae in his back and neck. They didn't think he was going to make it, but, he had a major surgery, was later released from the ICU, and spent nearly a year in a nursing home, where he finally learned to walk again. He will never work again.

My other half's injuries were not quite as bad, as he wasn't thrown from the truck. But, he broke his entire thoracic spine, lost half the height on T7, several broken ribs (broken where they meet the spine), and punctured both of his lungs. He also sustained some pretty serious head trauma. He spent 4 days in the hospital and 12 weeks in a 'turtle shell' brace. He also did 24 weeks of physical therapy, some time in speech therapy, he is counselling now for PTSD due to the wreck, and is hopefully going to be released from worker's comp soon.

I got the call that morning, and rushed to the hospital. I sat by his side and knew that leaving was out of the question. He needed me. What kind of person would I be if I left now?

So, I stayed. I cared for him, the kids, the house, AND went to school. When I say cared for him, I mean showering him, putting his brace off and on as needed, bringing him food and drinks, helping him in the bathroom, doctor's appointments.... everything.

It was not an easy thing to do. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Three months or so after the accident, I was diagnosed with a horrible, autoimmune form of arthritis. They said it had always been there lurking, but the stress of the situation brought it to the surface.

And one day..... things were just different. I looked at him in a different light. We laughed again, we held hands again, and he treated me much differently. We were 'us' again. I don't know the exact moment it happened, it just did one day.

Those two events and the aftermath of each of them, bonded us together in a way that is hard to explain. I can't quite put it into words, or describe it accurately. Don't get me wrong, we are far from perfect, its not always rainbows and butterflies, but, things between us are much better than before.

So, there is my update, I apologize for the length.

reply to post by daryllyn


You are a wonderful human being Daryllyn! Thank you for the update.

reply to post by MidnightSunshine


Thank you

I only did what was right. I know a lot of people would not have done what I did, but I know he would have done the same for me. Love isn't always easy, that's for sure.

reply to post by daryllyn


Dary...I feel Blessed to have read your Journey and Update today. I feel Blessed to know you.

Much love to you......

Des

Originally posted by Destinyone
reply to post by daryllyn

 

Dary...I feel Blessed to have read your Journey and Update today. I feel Blessed to know you.

Much love to you......

Des

Thank you, Des

reply to post by daryllyn


Wow, just wow. That's a twist to the tale if ever there was one. Life takes one down interesting, if unforseen, paths.

It may not be what you said, rainbows and butterflies(I think) but I betcha he appreciates you now, eh?

Now that demned arthritis needs a fixing. Dammit, science, get on the ball!