a reply to: BigBrotherDarkness
My son is loving and kind, I hope that he finds all sorts of experiences, loves and is loved. Beyond that, one day at a time. I don't mind the idea
of being a Granny, just that, all being well, it is quite some way off in the future. I have yet to go through first loves and heartbreaks, and,
since I am doing it just this once, I savour every moment, each landmark and bump in the road. I have a rough, five year plan. Takes me to him
reaching eighteen, beyond that, only blurred images of potentials and a few question marks, but I have a loose intention to have a couple of years
winging it. Grannying duties would not be a welcome intrusion for a good decade after that...but, that said, who knows, I have ceased to expect
myself to feel the same, and want the same things as I did at earlier stages down the line. It and I, are always changing. Planning, for me, too far
ahead, is just futile. I had no idea parenthood would be this way, didn't ever think I would have to go it alone. It has been a joy though, and
totally and utterly transformative.
The "letting go" is troublesome. The not being needed, the trying not to worry when they are out of your sight. He went to Holland last year, with
scouts. Twelve nights. It seemed like a good idea. Twelve days to myself. It began a few weeks before he left, gradually mounting as it drew
closer. I was a barely contained wreck the whole time. I don't suppose we ever stop worrying about them, that it is like a permanent background
noise, but that one, him being so far away, across a sea, knocked me for six. I've been readjusting ever since, not very elegantly at times. A few
weeks back we were in a shop, he was behind me and then I looked round to speak to him and he was gone. My very first thought was, "#, the bastards
have deleted him to # with me." I later recalled the episode to my brother and he looked at me askance. I said, "It's okay for you, all your
psychotic breaks occurred before
you saw the Matrix." He thought about it, understood what I meant. It's a #er to shake that one out once
it's embedded itself in there however often it determines itself to be nonsense. He, of course, had just wandered off, but for a second...
Seeing the absurdity helps, but these are testing times.