Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

reply to post by network dude

From a guy who has been married for over 20 years, I will say this to you. If you don't have trust, you have nothing worth saving. Show dude the door and find someone else. And don't shut down the guy who you think is "too nice" without giving him a chance.

I agree with everything you say, network dude - the problem is I thought this was the "too nice" guy, gave him a chance, fell in love and look what happened.

reply to post by cosmicexplorer

Thanks, cosmicexplorer, and yes, he is bitter from his divorce so a lot of what you say rings true.

reply to post by timidgal

I decided that life is too short and I meet a great guy

Guess I can't answer. When I decided life was too short, it meant I didn't want someone in my face all the time so I stopped looking.

I missed the part about the "happily married friend" snooping on the dating site. I would talk to him about it and then find out how that site works. Does that site show you the people who visited your page? If so, maybe your "happily married girlfriend" freaked out when his page came up on a suggestion or something. Maybe she didn't want him to all of a sudden mention that he saw her visit his page.

It could be a whole bunch of variables as to why. All I know is that if you think you've found the right person either disable or delete your profile. Keeping it is asking for trouble and the temptation is high when you are just a mouse click away from find someone else.

reply to post by curiouscanadian777

In this particular situation though, I tend to think, yeah...dog...If he was surfing porn, that'd be totally different. That's being curious, that's window-shopping. The dating site that you both agreed to quit, is shady, IMO.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality. That's exactly how I feel.

Now, I have to say that a couple things jumped out at me:

1. You say you implicitly trust your friend. Okay, you know her, I don't...But...What was this happily married friend doing on a dating site?!

This is an EXCELLENT point that has been made by several other posters and I've been giving this A LOT of thought. I was so upset last night at him that this never even occurred to me. I had professed that she was a good friend and completely in love with her husband so what the hell is she doing on a dating website? Perhaps I need to rethink my position on what her motives might have been...

2. You said he had no self esteem/confidence when you met...RED FLAG!!!

3. You say you lack confidence and/or gun-shy yourself. Well, nothing wrong with that, but, that is like blood in the water for creeps, honestly. They see you coming from a mile away. You gotta work on that, or you'll keep attracting losers/users/creeps and worse. Just my opinion. You'll be better off for it anyway, right?

Funny thing is, my defenses are so high from past mistakes, that I've become #1 cool cucumber when it comes to dealing with men. It wasn't until I knew him for quite some time that I started letting my guard down. With that said, who knows what signals we send out unconsciously and perhaps that's something I need to take a look at.

All your other suggestions were very much appreciated, curious. Thanks for taking the time to share the detailed input.

Don't jump to conclusions. Something similar happened to me years ago. I had set up a profile when i was single "im a man" and it was out of curiosity just testing the waters. My strategy was if i seen a female i recognized locally maybe i would approach them in real life that way it would speed up the process however i was too shy and timid to actually meet someone from the internet but that's just me.


I met my wife soon after through work unrelated to the singles ads. So i completely forgot about the profile and years later one of my buddies told me he seen me on a singles sight while browsing himself lol. It could have been my wife and that would have made for a awkward situation explaining it to her... what if there was still a margin of doubt? I deleted the profile needless to say after much difficulty remembering a password from 10 years ago. Keep in mind because it says he is online does not mean he is. A lot of these sights use tactics to lure you in to joining they even make fake profiles! It's all about making money off you not finding you a date or a roll in the hay.


The only way to know for certain is to make a profile yourself use maybe a models picture and create a fake identity and contact him. See what he says, ask him if he is single. If he passes with flying colors kudos, it may be diabolical or might seem wrong but either way it will be worth it imo. The probability that he will be completely honest if he is guilty if you confront him is low. That's just my opinion though.


Keep in mind he may have very well set up a profile yes, but he may not have any intent to cheat. It could be for a variety of reasons, maybe he is bitter from his divorce so much he feels that you will throw him under the bus at some point? He could be feeling insecure and the divorce took it's toll. And if he is talking to other women thinking it is harmless that he will all ready have a leg up or can rebound faster if things go south. Did you know men cheat usually out of being insecure? That they need to feel they or we must have confirmation we are wanted and even lusted after? This could be the precursor to cheating in the future however you need proof.


People usually think of cyber space as being as fake as a video game and it is harmless to flirt online. It has to be in the physical to count right? Not necessarily, a common misconception. We love attention from other women and we do like the idea of women wanting us as men its natural. But there is s stark difference between embellishing in the attention and flirtation and cheating. Im not talking about grabbing you you know where groping you by the water cooler at the office, i mean subtle harmless day to day interaction. I mean who wouldn't like it ? He could be just there to flirt but not cheat does that make sense? My wife says i love the attention from other women when they come up and talk to me some even flirt at me lol. I guess i do, does not mean i will act upon the opportunity to run astray. Old faithful here. But like i said just put him to the test.


best of luck



tl;dr

reply to post by UnknownEntity4U

You and I are compadres, Unknown...

reply to post by cd5love96

Bluntness is a good thing and a practice that more people should exercise. No apologies needed.

So what I'm starting to get from so many replies is that although men and women are wired differently, it basically comes down to either being a good and honorable person or a lying self-serving one and gender really doesn't have all that much to do with it.

reply to post by cd5love96

Bluntness is a good thing and a practice that more people should exercise. No apologies needed.

So what I'm starting to get from so many replies is that although men and women are wired differently, it basically comes down to either being a good and honorable person or a lying self-serving one and gender really doesn't have all that much to do with it.

Originally posted by Gamma MO
reply to post by Radekus

 

Most narcissists don't love themselves at all. They despise themselves inside. That's why it is so disproportionate to the outside world. They make a show out of loving themselves because deep down they think no one else ever really will.

And you know this how?

Truly loving yourself is the key to finding the right person. When you love yourself, it can't help but spill out into the outside world.

Not sure what you mean by that, concrete example necessary.

Don't look for someone to love you. Instead look for someone YOU can offer real love TO (in a healthy, balanced way).

Yea, I gave up on love a long time ago, you're right,
looking for someone you can deal with is what I'm looking for now.
It's not working out for me so good.

reply to post by cartesia

Nope, this was a different website but you right in that there are a myriad of reasons why he could have been online. Problem is I can't possibly conceive, given the specifics of the situation, how any of those reasons could be justified or innocent.

reply to post by luciddream

Yep. She gave me her log in codes and there is no doubt...

Originally posted by timidgal
reply to post by luciddream

 

Yep. She gave me her log in codes and there is no doubt...

And have you talked to him about it before jumping on the gun?

reply to post by stooge247

In fact I still haven't permanently deleted it, its just hidden from searches on there.

And that, in my opinion, was the honorable thing to do.

Please don't assume all men are horny idiots just out for as much action as they can get. Some of us can be quite insecure.

Don't worry. I know that and I don't have a myopic view of men; I'm just hurt right now. People are people and the more I read everyone's replies, the more I realize that this is not as much about gender as I originally thought. Sure, there are those who have said "guys are dogs" but there are an equal or greater amount who made solid arguments for just the opposite.

Originally posted by 23rdChakra

reply to post by ErgoTheConclusion

A well stated reply that makes a lot of sense.

You're right, there are some people out there who don't have the ability to be monogamous (such as the sociopath I was previously involved with) and the whole idea of a "monogamous society" is one of those cultural ideals previously discussed. The problem is, it's a remnant from a different era before there was such a thing as instantaneous gratification via the internet.

reply to post by Kody27

Now I could pound on you for your apathetic views, but I did ask the question and you're merely supplying your own answer.

With that said, I never stated that this guy was a sociopath and I don't agree with your opinion that we project ourselves onto our partners. I believe that in any successful relationship, you'll usually find a ying and a yang to balance each other. Just my own opinion.

As for your other comments about sexual fantasies, I'll just put you firmly in the "guys are dogs" column if that's your honest feeling...

Originally posted by eletheia
reply to post by timidgal

 

Hmmm....interesting


He was dishonest, and yet you take the blame for being TOO hasty in showing him

the door?

Same sort of mindset of battered wives (partners)

'You made me do it' or 'You drove me

to it' and 'Forgive me i swear i'll never do it again'

Point well made but as of now, his a## has been kicked to the curb. I'm merely trying to figure out if I acted too impulsively given factors provided by other posters that I hadn't considered.

reply to post by Bilk22

All great points, Bilk, and yes he is divorced and yes it was a bitter one. He was very honest with me and took much of the blame for his marriage's failure. He's a psychologist and said that during the years of his marriage, he was emotionally unavailable after hour upon hour of dealing with others' problems. What impressed me about him so much was that he got into therapy himself, came to realize that, and the man I knew couldn't have been a more picture-perfect reflection of an emotionally available man.

reply to post by gladtobehere

You're right. What I meant to say is "she's the ideal as opposed to the antithesis" as those are exact words he used during some of our conversations. Forgive my faux pas...