Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

Okay so this is the very first rant I've ever posted on ATS, but honestly, I just don't get it and I need some honesty from all you single gents out there.

I am a middle-aged, better-than-average looking divorced female (not trying to be conceited here but stating what many have told me) who has, for many years and reasons, stayed away from the singles scene because I just didn't think it was worth it. The last guy I was involved with turned out to be a sociopath who haunted me for years and years. Anyway, a few months ago, I decided that life is too short and I meet a great guy - we have lots in common, the chemistry is great, he professes his intentions to build a loving and solid future together (his statement and not mine) and all is cautiously hopeful. Then completely out of the blue, a friend emails me to say that she just saw a profile of my man on one of the dating sites and it's current because it says he's "Online Now". WTF???

What is it that we women are missing in our thinking? Believe me, I'm independent and have learned that you don't need a man to feel complete (and vice versa for all you gentlemen out there, as well as all you same-sex attracted individuals), but just when I finally let my guard down and think "well maybe...", I get hit upside the head with a ton of bricks.

Can someone please explain this to me? If you're a middle-aged man and you meet a compatible, attractive, affectionate female who is supposedly the antithesis of what you've been looking for, what is it that drives you to stray? Can someone please explain this insanity to me? Needless to say, his butt is being kicked to the curb but I feel like this was it for me and I'm not putting myself out there again. Can anyone lend some clarity to this?

By the way, thanks for reading my rant. I'm just really fed up and hurt...

TG

reply to post by timidgal


Did you meet this man on a dating site? How long have you supposedly been "exclusive?"

Maybe he just logged in to see what's going on? Just because he's online on a dating site means nothing. I'd say just accept that it happened and move on, because nothing happened. Don't spy on the guy, it'll scare him away. Don't try to look at any of his stuff. He may have just been looking at pretty girls. Who knows?

It's not that big of a deal.

We are like cats not dogs. We are curious.

Do you know beyond a shadow of a doubt if this dating site profile is actually his? Maybe you should talk to him about it.

reply to post by CayceFan

Yes I did and we've supposedly been exclusive (his request and not mine) for about six months. After about four months of dating, he asked that I take down my profile and he would do the same. Now, I could have played the typical suspicious woman and kept checking to ensure that his profile was permanently disabled, but I assumed, given the circumstances, that this wasn't necessary. Was I a naive idiot or what??

reply to post by timidgal


You probably should talk to him about it then.

Men are from Mars Women from Venus.

The list is too long, just try again until you find the one.

reply to post by timidgal


its the beast in us

reply to post by timidgal


Who says he wasn't just looking? A lot of guys meet their greatest friends on these sites. They meet, they hook up then break up and stay friends, or they just become friends who are idly wasting time until they find someone. And when they do, they still go back to visit their friends.

Moral of the story, your friend doesn't know anything about what he's done on that site, and neither do you. If it bothers you, then ASK. Every fight is started with a single act of miscommunication, whether accidental or intentional.

reply to post by Mr Headshot

Again, I never even thought to look or "spy" because that's not my style. If my friend hadn't e-mailed me, I never would have known. With that said, it's definitely a different profile from the one I met him through so it's obviously a current one he's using. Am I blowing this out of proportion? I'm not foolish enough to rule out that I'm being overly-sensitive to this considering what's happened to me in the past. Conversely, I just don't trust this whole situation anymore and once a bell's been rung...

Anyway, thanks for your input and you may be right but such is life.

Originally posted by proob4
We are like cats not dogs. We are curious.

This might be one of the most intelligent and insightful comments I've received...

reply to post by ManjushriPrajna

It's definitely his and the pitiful thing is that I felt horrible logging on (using my friend's ID) and looking at it.

reply to post by timidgal


No offense but I am curious- was it really a friend that saw his profile or was it you? Be honest.

Its not naive at all, trust is important. Like others have asked or suggested- did you confront him? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

reply to post by timidgal


It is sad but probably true that it is better to get out of a relationship sooner rather than later. Some men are too self-obsessed to appreciate that a true, loving relationship is worth committing to for the long-term, not as a fling. The same can be said for women...

Anyway, don't be hard on yourself at all, it is positive that you gained some experience and wisdom. Stay happy and healthy, you will have many more great times ahead! Go out and let yourself grow, you'll help yourself and others who could benefit from your positiveness.

reply to post by sekos

I know you're right - we're wired completely differently but this was honestly it for me. I made myself a promise that if this one - the one who came closest to genuinely earning my trust - acted like previous ones, I was going to be content in my life without a significant other. It's just not worth it because of the different wiring. We women don't get over the hurt quite so quickly or completely.

reply to post by eyeinoz

I guess you're right...

Don't worry about it for now. You just met the guy a couple weeks ago? I wouldn't say it's a big deal.

Not yet, anyways. I would speak with him about it in a week or two (now that you know.), if you're as good looking and great a catch as you say, you have absolutely no worries!

Peace.

I am in my 30s and can tell you exactly what is going on. He's window shopping, looking to see if something better is out there.

I used to do it in my mid-20s. He was buttering you up with nice words because he is insecure and afraid you will leave him while not being emotionally invested in the long term. It comes from immaturity and lacking self-worth.

What most women fail to understand is measuring a guy is pretty simple: if he is telling it to you rather than doing it you're being fed a line. We'll promise you the Moon to get our way, but that check will bounce once cashed.

The only thing you need to remember is: "Is he talking about it or being about it?"

Overly romantic guys are particularly bad at this. They need to bury a woman neck-deep in chocolate and flowers in hopes the woman doesn't detect how shallow and needy they are [buying your love]. A genuine guy makes you feel like a million bucks because he emits his zen-like awesomeness.

reply to post by AfterInfinity

You raise a good point and I honestly wonder why we women are so intimidated by even the thought of just looking? In my world, it's one thing for him to gawk at a beautiful woman walking down the street - who can blame him for that - but to go on a dating website and peruse the offerings is something totally different. Am I being overly defensive?