Nota Bene: As is common at the moment, I’m typing this out for posting before
logging into ATS. The intent is not to talk past anyone or make
the thread my mini-blog, but simply to try to report what’s going on on this end as best I can before mentally processing the thread’s latest turns.
So please don’t take posts like these the wrong way, they are for information, a sort of mile marker and record of where I am with my little quest.
A Day To Remember
Whew! What a day this turned out to be! After checking the house for gas leaks, just in case, I finally got some sleep.
No further grand insights or shocking revelations to report, I just feel good. Very peaceful.
Though I don’t feel at all hungry, I thought it wise to eat something this evening -- my first meal of the day, actually. It’s been quite the time.
Ahh, Beef. It’s what’s for dinner!™ A future without meat? I don’t think so! Gimme an extra side order of karma with that steak, baby!
I like Avadar’s -- oh what the heck, I’ll just call him “Paul” so people don’t start looking to see if we are using the secret handshake or
something** -- Paul’s reference to the Star Trek spores. Certainly, the analogy seems apt when I’m prattling on about all that stuff.
So, just what the heck happened? I truly do not know, although I have a working theory that may well prove incorrect. With that and all the usual
disclaimers in place, I’ll see if I can at least take a stab at it.
Bear in mind that I am not looking at my previous posts while I do this, so it might be fun to compare what I’m saying now to what I said then.
So did I “Join with God”? Well, no I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure not, actually. In fact, I’m almost positive that is not what happened. This very
short image or impression was very brief and completely unexpected at the time. I wasn’t praying to “be with God” or anything like that.
Do I feel “closer to God” now? Well, no, not really. Perhaps just better informed.
I was meditating on what I have been calling “the stirrings” within my mind. Interestingly, I see them now in my mind’s eye as little gold boxes, like
treasure chests. They have always had a golden cast to them (yellow spectrum, Paul?), first “looking” like little yellow teeth, murky and indistinct
at the bottom of my subconscious (or someplace like that).
Speaking of color, I have pondered that, since what we humans see as “color” seems primarily a matter of constructive perception based on vision
adapted to distinguish colors in nature, such as fruit in trees and so forth. I have meditated on the possible relationships between what we see as
“physical colors” in the electromagnetic spectrum and “spiritual colors” in the spiritual continuum, and have some working hypotheses, but will save
those for another post.
I am also aware that, now that color has been raised as significant in spiritualism, at least to TSOL, that knowledge of this may “color” my
perceptions, as well. Caveat color.
So anyway, back to the God thing…
The God Thing
So as I was saying, this vision, which had an emotional impact on me that is more dramatic than anything I can recall in this life, sort of came out
of nowhere while I was meditating on those “stirrings”, the little gold boxes, which I had come think of as compartments of memory not normally
accessible to me. I still think of them in that way, and I could be wrong, but I think I’m right about this.
I’m not sure if the vision actually was a “real” memory of mine, although I remember thinking that at the time. The vision just reached out and
grabbed me, I wasn’t just seeing it, I was being
That made it powerful and unique in many ways, since most of what I report here as visions or dreams are usually engaging, but not enthralling like
that. I am still just dumbfounded at how intense my physical reactions were to the experience.
My eyes are a little sore from tears, but you should have seen the tears. Wow! My poor little tear ducts were on steroids, gushing out ridiculous
volumes of water. I’m amazed I can still see at all. That and the laughing and the hyperventilating, and it just went on and on for I cannot remember
how long. Man, if someone could make a drug that would do this, we’re talking some serious black market potential!
I am quite aware that maybe all this was an emotional reaction to an illusion, and the skeptic within me says, “Yep, you just needed a good cry, bub.”
Perhaps so. If that’s what that was, then wow, I’ve really been holding back!
Whatever this particular instance may have actually been, I do find myself a lot more open to the statements of TSOL and others regarding past lives.
I had, until today, postulated that the other life experiences of the “oversoul” are not accessible to one another. Now I’m not so sure.
I must be careful, because, after what happened today, I find myself really “buying in” to the whole past life business. Much like the alien thing
(which I am still trying to teeter on the fence about), I had tended to shrug off all that talk of past lives as self-deception. I mean come on, just
how many queens of Egypt were there, really?
It’s interesting, I think I may have been a slave at some point, because I have a strong and longstanding inhibition against calling anyone “master”,
even as an honorific signifying achievement instead of dominance over others. The irony here is that I’m pretty sure my paternal line includes
Southern slaveholders. I don’t know if I was a slave in America or somewhere else, or if I was a slave at all, frankly. But I can say that I do have a
major problem with the title of “master”.
So What Did I See?
It was a very brief image, I cannot say how long it lasted, but it was, I think, very short, although the effect and profundity of it lasted for
hours. I should point out that “see” doesn’t quite seem right, I “saw” things, but it was also much more visceral or perhaps “total” than that.
It was like the sun. I thought of what we call “blue giant suns” in this universe, but its light was pure white (deference to TSOL imagery?). I’ll
call it the “Sun” for now.
I could “see” that it was like a giant ball, a sun, a star radiating light that was dazzling beyond description. Within and around this penumbra of
light, there were little stars.
In considering TSOL’s thing about color, there were stars around the “Sun” that seemed like bright little points of white light, some stationary, but
many seeming to move in all sorts of patterns, some slowly and some more quickly. They were brilliant. I suppose there may have been a slight bluish
tinge to some, but I don’t know for sure, frankly. Even within the sun’s corona they could be seen, very tiny but very bright.
There were stars everywhere
. I am sure that some, especially the stationary ones near the Sun, were white like the Sun, though they shone
distinctively (the Sun didn‘t blind me to them). But other than the beautiful golden stars, I don’t remember seeing any other colors of stars. I have
sense of a background of multicolored clouds like nebulas, I think they were there, in the distance, not near the Sun, but it was what was happening
in the foreground that riveted my attention.
There was music, I felt
music unlike anything I have ever heard, or could be heard, I think. Like voices, but not voices, reminiscent of a
million choirs, but not human voices, they were so much clearer and delicate, like glass or water falling. In harmonies that were heartbreakingly
beautiful. I am laughing and crying just thinking of it.
The music wasn’t in my ears or mind, but it permeated my soul
, and it was so happy! That may be the hardest part to explain, as I write of it,
the tears are back. It was so
beautiful! The sound pierced my soul with such sweetness, but there was texture
in the music, it told of
things, I think, though I know not what.
What grabbed my attention were what seemed like little trains of golden stars moving here and there. There were many single golden stars too, but the
trains of stars were fascinating. They moved like little beads on invisible strings. Most seemed to move in undulating paths here and there, but some
of them seemed to go right in and out of the Sun. I was simply fascinated by them, they were so golden and beautiful, like jewels.
It was as I noted that they could enter and leave the Sun that I found myself “going in” to the Sun. It just seemed to happen when I saw the other
golden stars do it. And I went in! And the rest is recorded in silly and potentially embarrassing (I don’t care, laugh away!
) posts recorded
above, which I do not have the slightest intention of editing.
It really, really
felt real. Frankly, more real than this all feels as I type out words on the keyboard. It was a magnitude of experience I
just would never had guessed possible. But I have this sense that it was, nonetheless, just a snippet of memory from within one of the little golden
boxes. A memory of a “me” other than me (or is it?).
I wonder if I might ever become desensitized to such a thing with repeat exposure? I hope you can appreciate that I am not in a hurry to find out just
yet. At this point, I think it would kill me, just from the physical reactions I seem to have to such things.
When It’s Time To Relax
So what now? Same as before, I think. I must chew on this and many other things, and continue pondering Life, the Universe and Everything.
But first, Spiritual Union rules grant me a full day’s break after each Profound Spiritual Experience, and I think I’ll take that break so as not to
anger the Shop Steward.
In what now seems like a timely bit of cosmic kismet, I have appointments in town tomorrow. I live quite a ways out of town, so “going to town” is
typically an all-day thing, with tomorrow being no exception.
It will be good to get out and hit the open road. It seems I will have far more to occupy my thoughts as I drive tomorrow than just trying to intuit
where that next speed trap is.
** Lest anyone wonder, in light of how the dialog is going: No, I am not a member of the Society of Light or affiliated with them in any way (that I
know of, anyway). Other than visiting their website and reading Paul’s posts here, I still know very little about them, and, in the absence of
knowledge, am not exactly in a hurry to go running out and signing up with any secret societies, if you take my meaning.