Tapping into this thread, honestly is shedding some insight into my own misgivings as I was growing up. I can only offer a females perspective on why
I did the things I did, and alot is coming into clarity now as I read this topic. I hope you'll all pardon me for the crudeness and honesty behind
my last post, it's been something that has haunted me for years.
I was a girl with an absent father. We have no brothers and there are only three girls, I being the eldest. I was old enough to watch my father beat
my mother into a pulp, remember mom dragging us out of bed so we could track him down at his secretary's apartment, and the custody battles along
with the stepmother who abused me-by telling me I was fat, stupid or ugly.
When I was younger, I was daddy's little girl. Being we had no boys, my brother died before I was born, my father chose to treat me as I was his son.
By 5 I was hunting Pheasant and Quail. I learned to work on cars and fix drywall, I preferred Football to barbies. I have always been a tomboy, but
I do believe had I not been trying to seek my daddy's approval
I wouldv'e resorted to the more girlie types of endeavors. The main reason I joined the ARMY for 8 years, was simply because I was so desperate for
my fathers approval, I figured if I walked the same path he did, I would finally be noticed again.
I didn't put 2 and 2 together, but let me share a few more personal tidbits.
He remarried when I was 9. She was a domineering witch, who had a teenage daughter. While my father was ordered to give my mom custody, he refused
to pay child support, this led to actually being the TOYS FOR TOTS "kids. My stepmom and stepsister lived in the house he built for them, along with
their horses, boats, and vacations, my mom was barely able to afford heat in winter(Many mornings before school on Winter's days we took icy showers
because the heat was off again for non payment.)This was a time before they werent allowed to disconnect utilities before april 14th or after Oct
I lived with them briefly, and was treated weirdly, my dad is always a schmuck around women, he forgets he has kids, and nothing else matters except
making that woman happy. (A Perfect example of a performer)When I was 13 He was away for work, and my step sister and I got into an altercation, my
stepmother than beat me and I ran away. He came to get me with her and they beat me mercilessly for 6 hours. Broke 6 of my ribs, my nose, 2 black
eyes, and a broken hand, dislocated my neck. He and she dropped me off back at my moms, hands tied in back of me through my ankles so I was hog tied,
with phone wire, on the curb, rang the doorbell and left. MInd you they lived on Long Island NY and My house was in Northern NJ-it was about a 3 hour
ride tied like that.
I still sought his approval after that. (I still do,but we talk maybe once a month now, so I really don't give too many craps anymore.) Around this
time my relationship with my dad was severed, his reason, his wife couldnt deal with me.
I then became on the quest for someone to fulfill the void I was missing, so I lost my one treasure I had left, my virginity.At 13
I up until I met my hubby have never been able to stay in a relationship long (4 months max)I figured I would do everything in my power to chase them
away because they would only leave anyways. What I wanted was the true guy that I could tell all of these horrible things to, and hed still stay. I
never found that until I met my hubby.
I have pushed, fought, kicked bitten and scratched, but he will not let me go. And for this I am eternally grateful.
He isn't the hottest on the planet, hes the sensitive musician, and suffers from PMS more than I do. But to me, he's perfect, he'll share a pint of
Ben and Jerry's with me, run to the local Burger king to pick me up onion rings that Im craving(Im 5 months pregnant now so its the most wonderful
thing on the planet) ANd tirelessly tell me Im beautiful EVERY single day. I could put on 50 pounds, and I'd still be beautiful to him. This is what
truly matters to the heart.
I did go after the geeky types, but they were usually kind of scared of me. Alot of rumors went around in high school, and literally even they would
cringe hearing my name.
PPS sorry I was so looooong winded again, Im all emotional right now, damn hormones