Warning: Dark

This is what living with a deadly disease is really like, sometimes hope is elusive and you go to a really dark place. I hope my little rant purges the darkness that is consuming me right now. Every moment counts and is too precious to waste on tears, regret and being scared.

I can't sleep. I'm so angry at my body. This is the third time in just over a year that my body has betrayed me and though I'm not giving up, the treatments don't seem to last for more than a few months or I get immune to them and there's only two more options available after this one, if my body will even be able to tolerate them.

The past two weeks I've noticed this permeating doom seeping out of me into everything I do, this is the sickest I've felt since I was first diagnosed... that probably has a lot to do with it. I'm physically weak and my body won't do what I want it to, there's really no words to describe what that is like, how it makes you want to put your fists through walls... I used to be able to do that! I used to be able to dance too, for hours. I miss working. I miss walking for more than 10-20 minutes.

I know I'll get better again at least for a while and I'm still expecting my miracle. They happen, even for patients like me. I read a book by this guy, same exact disease except with him he was diagnosed at end stage, the cancer was everywhere even in his brain. He did his first line treatment and has no evidence of disease since... and that was like a decade ago. Turns out we have the same oncology nurse. I try to take that as a sign but, I'm on my third treatment. Five, ten years ago and I would already be dead with this much recurrence. I am grateful for the extra time I've been given. It's just hard to be grateful all the time.

I decided it's time for myself and my loved ones to start preparing, just in case. I want us all to have some mental tools on hand to cope. Hope for the best prepare for the worst. I'm just the kind of person that has to know the exact truth and deal with it, my doctor hates this about me. I haven't progressed very far in this yet. I'm still stuck on not wanting to die. Still pleading to whoever might be listening out there, for my life.

I can't share these thoughts with my family, so I'm using you, whoever is reading... sorry. Maybe this is the kind of sht people should know though, especially if they are facing similar or have a loved one facing similar. We can't always put a brave face on and be these serene portraits of silent suffering as hard as we might try. We may bite your head off at what seems so innocent... a dirty dish left in the sink as my poor son is all too aware of. When everything takes so much more effort than it used to, things like that can make you see red. Then there's times when you honestly feel just fine, happy and boom suddenly you're sobbing.

It's after four. I'm either exhausted or this did actually help. Either way, thanks if you read it all... don't feel obliged to say anything. What can be said to all that? lol

We are all sick. And we are all dying.

There has been too much death in my family, and among my friends lately. But it never ends.

Know this, that when death takes you, you will be asleep and resting from all of the ills of this world.

When you wake up it will be paradise. And you will be perfectly healthy.

(John 5:28, 29) . . .Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out,. . .

(Revelation 21:3, 4) With that I heard a loud voice from the throne say: “Look! The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people. And God himself will be with them. 4 And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.”


Then there will be no more sickness, no more pain, and no more death.

Stay positive as often as you can. (easy for me to say right?) And this is therapeutic for me, so maybe it will work for you. When I feel like a ton of brick has been dumped on my already overloaded back, I find a way to stop and watch a beautiful sunset. It helps me put things in perspective. And it's cheap and easy. (like me)

Keep smiling lefty. If you don't laugh at the stupid people, who will?

a reply to: Kali74
Depression/anger are very normal things when your physical body "betrays" you. I wasnt able to walk for only 7 months or so and I went crazy! It might be counterintuitive to say but the more positive/accepting you are, the more you relax and the more likely your body can help fix itself! Stress interrupts homeostasis!

There is an old Norse proverb, "no one escapes life alive". But if you are not destined to die yet, nothing in the universe can stop you. I think you are a bit stubborn to go! At the very least fight to the bitter end girl! Punch death in his bony f#king face and scream, "F#K YOU YOU D#KLESS LIMP SKELETON BITCH! I AM THE GODDESS OF DESTRUCTION"

Oh Kali..i don't know what to say..I so wish i could hug you right now. But keep fighting,i realise it must be all you hear lately but please hang in there and do not give up.I know we"ve never been friends but please know that i think of you every day,i am a mom too and my heart goes out to you.Hang in there,don't give up.Everyone on ATS is rooting for you and stupid politics be absolutely damned.A big big hug to you ,i really mean it.Sorry i am useless at times like this with words my heart is aching for you right now!

Good Morning Kali

I want to thank you, for reminding the ATS community that we are all so much more than we appear to be when we post on these boards.

I wish I knew you in person.. as I admire you. You are forthright, straight to the point and logical in your posts and engagements here. I usually find myself being impressed with your approach to getting to the heart of issues raised.

You strike me as a true fighter.

I don't post much, just taking in opinion and debate.
But I did not want to just star and flag without replying to your post.

I am sorry that today is not good for you..and I sincerely hope that your tomorrows are so much better.

much love
keep on fighting
Sooz

a reply to: Kali74

My thoughts are with you for a full (as possible) recovery.

Have you experimented with fasting? I have heard good things about that, it promotes autophagy and apparently, cancerous cells can be some of the first on the chopping block.

Wow full on. I'm sorry that you are going through this. I cant fathom what you are going through. Don't underestimate the power of positive thought. Ranting is a good release for stress so keep it going if you need to .

Take care

Sending ship loads of healing thoughts to you.

Kali,

I know we've disagreed on many things. and in different times, would go head to head, I'm sure. Healthy though, it's the reason we can debate, argue and perhaps change our own thoughts.

But My heart to yours, dear... Be strong, for the strength of many is with you. Be you. for there is only one you.

I'm humbled. I had no idea you were not well. breaks my heart. take the good from me and ignore the argumentative places I go, perhaps it is a sign that I should remain humble. for some reason I am unable to leave, while good hearts are in your situation.

Prayers to you... or at least good thoughts. either way, the meaning is the same.

a reply to: Kali74

My honest opinion is that your mind can aid you in beating anything your body can do for better, or worse. My opinion, like anyone else's is worth..well you know.

My heart goes out to you. I hope you beat this, I really do. I've seen first hand the effects in both scenarios and they each come with their own challenges. You don't know me from a couple threads on the internet but I'm sending all I can to you and yours. Think well, rest well and dammit GET WELL!!!!

you should try a placebo. Tricking your brain into feeling better actually does wonders. You have to reprogram your subconscious mind for this to work. Meditation is easy too. Close your eyes, and imagine a bright light on your forehead. Then let it go everywhere around and in your body.

try it, it's free and it shouldn't hurt you. Get better and feel better too!

Jeez Kali, I wished I had the right combination of words but all I can say is stay in the fight, the world still have use for you as you have for it.

a reply to: Kali74

Sorry to hear about your struggle. I will pray for you.

I can't share these thoughts with my family, so I'm using you, whoever is reading... sorry.

It's what we're here for. We alway says we're a family...and families fight. But, when one of us needs the others, we pull together.
Pile it on.

Keep on ranting.Just get rid of all those feelings out of your system.

a reply to: Kali74

We spend a whole lifetime sometimes just trying to figure it all out. Seemingly at times...we just can't understand why things happen in the way they do, to who they affect and when they do. The meaning of life seems is to live.

There is a greater purpose we are here. Ive survived death only to care for and bury most of my relatives and best friend and musical partner. And Ive got a ton of illnesses myself. Up and down, good days-bad days. Im always trying to figure out why things are the way they are.

I work in Emergency response and volunteer with Seniors almost daily. Some are critical, some dying, some with strokes, others with renal failure. A few have amputations, others are blind. Their disabilities and limitations are as endless as the days are long. Each day I learn something new from every one of them. In Dearborn Michigan where I am...the nationalities from Middle Eastern to eastern European to Mexican and others is vast....but their illnesses are just the same as us all.

So, I think I understand why Im here and go through my worse days when I cant walk well or breathe without wheezing...and why I even lived through the accident that nearly cost me my life and the disease that took my best friend away.

Its because Im needed in some infinitesimally small way in someone else's life. Maybe to help, to listen or to make some small difference in their own daily sufferings. And that keeps me going. Youre still here for some reason.

No matter how bad or depressed you may get...youre still around because you are supposed to be. Maybe not at all for just you: but for someone elses life you'll touch in some way.

It is said that today is the day the Lord hath made. Be glad and rejoice in it. God Bless you...one day at a time...and always...God Bless

Peace, Love and Light.....

MS EMT/ERT Advanced Life Support

God bless you.

a reply to: Kali74

there seem to be a few cancer patients here at ATS and that includes me. Pancreas and kidney cancer is my deal..... one of the worst cancers to have is pancreas cancer.

Forgive me if I am blunt but instead of telling you to stay positive ....blah blah blah we should look at truth.

PROTECT YOUR MIND....peace of mind.....don't let fear or anger control you. Die peaceful with a smile on your face. It will also help with your loved ones. When they see you are in peace their sorrows will not be as painful.

I would recommend to not do too much thinking about your sickness.....try to put it in the back of your mind. Forget the sickness and try not to give it any attention as if you ignore it BUT continue with any treatments.

I would also recommend reading the Tibetan book of the dead. There is a chapter or two on the correct way to die. Most people with serious illnesses subconsciously fight to the last breath, a built in mechanism for humans where the Tibetan learn how to stop this built in mechanism and learn to release....NOT surrender ......making death easier in LAST hours of life.

Death is not as bad as most believe .... been there ....done that (NDE). Those who have had an NDE experience know what I am talking about.

Peace be upon you

much love

i sad now...

a reply to: Kali74

You're not weak. You're a fighter.

I won't say it anywhere else but here. . . . I admire you. You are tough as nails.

Even fighters, real winners feel the way you do from time to time It's normal, it's natural.

Get some rest. Take a break.

Then get off your ass and get back to fighting.