Never underestimate a woman's desire to be mistreated.

reply to post by BlackCommander


Well, that's the thing, I'll be the first one to fight, if there's a good reason for it. I just don't go around starting fights.

What you're seeing is typical behavior of a woman with low self esteem. The abusive partner, they think, "understands" them, as he or she treats them in line with how they view themselves.

reply to post by dave_welch


You sound like a normal bloke like any other (good on you) by not starting fights but all I see around me are once nice women who are involved with utter scumbags who do everything in their power to start fights with anyone.

The only difference is I pay my bills (sucker I may be) and organize my affairs best way possible without causing loss or injury to anyone and to be as self sufficient as is humanly possible, being banged up & wasting police time appears to be a lifestyle choice for utter douche-bags around here these days (I'm in north UK) you have to be hard where I come from just to get by and not be a general target but some of these guys are unbelievable they trash everything around them both personal and material and they get all the gals as I said earlier the grass is always greener on the other side........

P.S apologies for using the colloquialism "the grass is greener on the other side" but us English are noted for nosing into next doors garden and jumping to conclusions. (and getting them wrong on more occasion than people will admit)...... Hence the grass is greener on the other side.

reply to post by DestroyDestroyDestroy


What I don't get about her self esteem issues, which I agree are apparent, is that she's a knockout. She was a knockout in high school, and she still is. She's also a great person and a good mother. Granted she's been having trouble financially, but in this economy nearly everyone is.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by DestroyDestroyDestroy

 

What I don't get about her self esteem issues, which I agree are apparent, is that she's a knockout. She was a knockout in high school, and she still is. She's also a great person and a good mother. Granted she's been having trouble financially, but in this economy nearly everyone is.

Dear Dave - you have such a heart. My take on this is that you care about her, you want her, you think only of her and so that is the only thing on your mind right now. She turned to you, she shared love and your heart rejoiced because FINALLY she saw you and was with you. Unfortunately for whatever reason she is still with the jerk.

Unfortunately with self esteem issues the person with the issues doesn't see the real them. They've been led to believe through past judgements and strong mental destruction that they are unworthy, ugly and not deserving of anything good or of love. If she is stuck in this mindset nothing will help until she finally sees that she is dysfunctional. She may realize it but not WHY she is that way. She is most likely coping the best way she knows how - and I think she's acting by learned behavior and instinct. I read once that dysfunctional people are only comfortable in such surroundings and anything else that would be normal and self respectful for healthy thinking people makes them so fearful that they can't cope. And so they stick with the only thing they know: abuse or negative thinking, etc.

Keep in mind that if her kids are so bonded to this man that may be the only thing keeping her with this man. Some women will do whatever it takes when it comes to their kids.

I don't see any hope in this for you - which is heartbreaking. But please whatever happens don't do anything to the other guy - for it will be YOU that ends up being penalized and I suspect that she will continue to be with him no matter how badly you are affected. She may be thankful for being recognized with your actions but she will not stand by you while you reap the consequences.

She shared a night of passion and what you feel is part of her soul with you. But did it mean the same to her? I hope so for your sake but I'm afraid it may have not been so cut & dried for her. I am sorry if this is hurtful, but it would be more of a shame to have your life in shambles because you feel more intense about her than she does about changing her life for you.

And remember: you are just as worthy as she of having pure love. Love where someone wants to share their life and being with you. Real love treats the other as you would want to be treated.

I wish you the very best. Hugs Dave.

reply to post by ccseagull


Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement.

reply to post by dave_welch


If you can solve her financial problems it will give you a massive advantage over the other guy but at the end of the day the bond she shares with him having a first child will be very difficult to break, this is the biggest hill you have to climb IMHO. You have to provide a 100% bulletproof case as a man and then some more to prove yourself.

Some of the most loving and long term/lasting relationships I have witnessed have been between men whom are slightly older than the woman curiously enough.

The woman who interests you is good looking from all accounts so you have to be aware she is attractive to most men including those with bad intentions and they are the most likely to prey on her ignorance or naivety at any chance and also show you up at any given moment also.
If you can show you are capable of defending her and her child unequivocally then you have won, that's the thing with scumbag men they have no rules it is what makes them so attractive in my humblest opinion.
But it is also their greatest weakness.........

reply to post by BlackCommander


Thanks you're correct in all of that. However, they aren't his kids, so that's a plus in this situation. She was married before him but it didn't end well, I'm not really sure on all the details of that.

He's the kind of guy that will buy her kids' affection to use as leverage against her. It's messed up, but that's what he does. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out a way to help her get rid of him for good. She actually does want to be rid of him. He just keeps coming back and threatening her with various things to be able to live there. Basically he's mooching off of her for a place to stay and I don't think she sees any way out of that situation at the moment.

reply to post by dave_welch


As I implied this character has no rules and has too much time on his hands, like I said those lack of morals/rules are his greatest weakness if you think about it.

I am not suggesting you lower yourself to his level as such but "if" he is aware of your existence and your interest in this woman he will probably do his devious best at trying to disrupt your life in anyway imaginable without your knowledge to make you look bad, sometimes you have to play a little dirty back, the most valuable thing you posses is time the same with him and if you are a good person sometimes you miss what the bad people are up to .......IMHO

reply to post by dave_welch


That doesn't matter, with the way that women are socially conditioned in most developed nations it should come as no surprise that a great majority of them are suffering from some crippling self esteem issue.

Think about the social stimulus that women are bombarded with every single moment of every day via advertising and pop culture. If you're not a skeleton, you're fat. If you are a skeleton, you're fat. If you're not fashionable, you're ugly. If you have any flaw or imperfection, you're hideous. If you're old, you're ugly. If you're not married by age 30, you'll be alone forever. The list goes on.

Of course, it's all bulls***, but try telling them that.

Dude I wrote so much i had to just delete it. Simply put do not let love concur your logical reasoning and start believing your self. You had signs way before this follow your gut and don't go back on it. You will always feel like you might have done the wrong thing but it sure as hell beats knowing you doubted yourself and it cost you your dignity+ more heartache. If you doubt her actions its for a reason.

reply to post by BlackCommander


It's funny you should mention that. I'm the kind of person that can either be your best friend, or your worst enemy. The only thing is that where most people would do things behind your back, I enjoy a more direct approach when it comes down to that.

reply to post by DestroyDestroyDestroy


I agree. Women especially are bombarded from birth with these airbrushed images of what society thinks they should look like. I've always hated that.

reply to post by digital01anarchy


So, just to make sure I've understood you, you're saying that it might not be as black and white as it appears and the other possibilities I've mentioned could be true?

reply to post by dave_welch


Sounds like you are in the "friend zone" with some girl that you secretly like.


This is all just about personalities. You seem to be drawn to a certain type. I can't say any girls I know are like this, and they detest the one's you are describing.


You might have white knight syndrome, which puts you in the same category as the girls you are talking about. Meaning you are subconsciously looking for girls with issues, so you can "save" them or be the hero/good guy, etc.

better to know the devil you know than you devil you don't?
judging by your avatar your a bit of a scoundrel yourself

I think women sometimes feel they can "change" those who need "guidance"

Its almost a motherly instinct on some weird level, smoothing out the rough edges.

Unfortunatley most deadbeats will always remain just that, as they will still have women throwing themselves at them despite being abusive and a waste of skin.

In my opinion, both women and men have selectvie amnesia when it comes to relationships.

If a man hits a woman, and she ends it. It can only take the quote "im sorry, I need help" and the broken nose is forgotten about.

Now to me, that is ridiculous, but love is a powerful thing, and when you have tunnel vision for someone, the only person who is going to snap you out of it, is you.

And now a word from our sponsor...

Reason & Accountability



Thank you, I'm here all week.

ETA I just celebrated my 24th wedding anniversary on Saturday.

reply to post by dave_welch


Geeza the mind of a woman is a mystery

As it should be

It's part of the reason we love them

Also any man who says he has worked them out is deluded or lying.

Originally posted by dave_welch
reply to post by DestroyDestroyDestroy

 

I agree. Women especially are bombarded from birth with these airbrushed images of what society thinks they should look like. I've always hated that.

They also want money and protection. Tell me they don't. You don't have a phone and you don't want to confront him, so it's kind of obvious that you can't provide her with either money or protection. And maybe even with a place to stay. She hosted that one night, right?

He may be mean to her ( In whatever way.........you never went into detail there), but he buys her kids things and he's obviously very good at protecting her from you. He offers her money and protection. You don't. You may love her, but can you offer her anything substantial aside from that? She does have kids and a place to stay, so she has bills to pay.

Sounds like she has you on "speed dial" for emotional support and the occasional booty call, everything she needs in the night, and him for everything else that the day demands of her. You love her? Prove it. Be able to give her what he does, so she has a socially acceptable reason to leave him. He may be an a**hole towards her, but since you can't seem to man up, you're leaving her with little choice but to be with him, and he seems to have no problem with being her second choice.

youtu.be...

Ever see The Butterfly Effect? Remember the Hilltop Cafe scene where she's the waitress? It may be a little dramatic, but, really, you need to grow up and out of whatever romantic illusion you're living in and give the woman what a woman needs to get by in life. Otherwise, she's just gonna move on and see you, in time, as the putz who couldn't deliver the goods.