Advice for Married Men and Women

Hey ATS, there's an old saying, "Those that can do. Those that can't teach".

Well I started this thread to help teach people the do and don'ts of being in a healthy committed relationship.

At first I was going to make this thread about "advice for married men" only. But I changed my mind because women need to learn a lot when it comes to keeping their men happy also.

This doesn't apply to married couples only either. This applies any couple trying to stay together and avoid the pitfalls of being in a long term relationship.

I want people just to give general good advice here. It can be serious or humorous. It can be about your own relationship, other experiences in your personal life or maybe you learned it by watching someone else go through it. That's all up to you.

Let's all help out the ATS community and ATS couples stay together with love and kindness for each other.

I will go first.

Come on people don't be shy.

There's got to be a ton of great relationship advice here.

Here's a list to get the ball rolling.



1. Compliment more than you criticize.

2. Never compare your marriage to others.

3. Always respect each other

4. It's ok to argue, but never use curse words to express your anger

5. Remember that people do fight. It's how you fight that matters.

6. Before starting an argument, consider if it's really worth it.

7. If you're going to fight, always fight naked.

8. Agree to disagree.

9. Respect each other's privacy.

10. Marriage is not 50/50, it's two people giving 100/100 all of the time.

11. Surprise each other now and then.

12. Never pass up an opportunity to say "I love you".

13. Hold hands.

14. Hug & kiss every day (several times a day actually!).

15. Be quick to say "I'm sorry".

16. Keep the in-laws out of your marriage!

17. Hang in there. It's worth it.

18. Never air your dirty laundry as a couple in public.

19. Never keep secrets from each other.

20. Be each other's champion.

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


Hi Ips

I miss your old avatar - can you put it back - it was way wicked

Probably not - you are a serial avatar changer it seems.

Back on Topic. I'm a holistic counsellor (but not currently practicing)

The best marriage advice/info I've ever studied was that of John Gottman. Here is his website for those who are interested.

www.gottman.com...

This guy is totally scientific in his approach to understanding relationships. He reckons he can tell within 5 minutes of meeting a new (troubled) couple, whether they will work it out or not. He's even got stats to back this up !! He really dumps on traditional realtionship counselling techniques and has a unique brand of counselling all of his own that is pretty cool and effective - IMO

Peace * Ned

I thought I might throw in my proverbial two cents worth...

- take a moment at least once a week, when you can focus your mind, to imagine your life from that moment on without your husband/wife. Really try to imagine it... you should feel your heart growing for them and you will gain a new level of love for the person who has chosen to be with you!
- explore the things that are different between you both, and celebrate these differences.
- mentally fast forward in time and hold hands on the porch when you are both old and grey Imagine how special you will feel when the moment finally arrives?
- build small short term goals to complete together.
- push each other sexually, gently and with as much fun as possible...
- keep a day or an afternoon/morning each week to be alone, to do something that can be shared in conversation later.
- finally, never forget the first moment that you kissed, or made love, and carry the memory both physically and mentally with you wherever you go. If, or should I say when, a fight might be looming, take a moment to remember those feelings. You might be surprised how odd the prospect of a fight becomes...

Originally posted by Cyberdaz
I thought I might throw in my proverbial two cents worth...

- take a moment at least once a week, when you can focus your mind, to imagine your life from that moment on without your husband/wife. Really try to imagine it... you should feel your heart growing for them and you will gain a new level of love for the person who has chosen to be with you!

I'm not too sure about that one - what if it goes entirely the other way, and you find yourself grinning?

- push each other sexually, gently and with as much fun as possible...

All of my wives have been like that - right up to the time they the "I do's" are said. Immediately after that, they suddenly start saying "I don't".

That's probably a big factor in why they are ex's...

- keep a day or an afternoon/morning each week to be alone, to do something that can be shared in conversation later.

You don't have kids, do you?

The rest of it looks ok - if you can get over those hurdles...

My first wife had a rule - "never go to bed angry". She wound up being an ex anyhow.

My second wife had a rule, too - "what's mine is mine, and what's yours is ours".

My third wife left out the "what's mine" part altogether.

There's probably some reason I'm single now, but I just can't quite put my finger on it...

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


I only have really one piece of advice to give, and it's really simple.

Be honest.

That's it. If you can't be honest with someone you love, then it's basically doomed to fail, because eventually the bond of trust gets broken, and it doesn't come back. In the end you have to ask the question if starting an argument over being honest with something that you aren't happy about is worth letting go of, and having it blow out badly because you don't want to rock the boat at the time.

Originally posted by nenothtu

There's probably some reason I'm single now, but I just can't quite put my finger on it...

You have no idea just how much I get that

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


I didn't see that coming. Awesome ! Will it be gone again within the hour

To get back to topic, I have a strong theory about relationships that has a Spiritual bent. I believe that we are attracted to people in this life to help us work through our Karma. No matter how much you think you are compatible with someone, there will always be a button there ready to push. Instead of fighting against it, best to go into it and find some deeper meaning for what is happening.

For those who seem to be soul-mates, you probably are - you have already had a relationship in a previous life and you've hit the jack-pot in this one. Not every life time has to be about suffering or disseminating Karma.

Peace Out

When you fall in Love with the person of your dreams, there's really no turning back...it's a "soul" connection that is bigger then life itself....maybe the meaning of life......

That feeling of snuggling with the man you love and not knowing where your body begins, and his ends.....lol...I can't even find the words to decribe what I mean.....

I am seperated from the man I love by some "twisted" acts of fate...and not a moment goes by that I don't try and figure out how to "save" us....but then I think...."are you selfish, stupid....he will be happier if your gone"...

I just pray he knows how much I Love and Respect him always.........♥

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


Conway Twitty lyrics. My parents' favorite singer.

This used to apply more to the ladies, but these days, it's becoming more for both genders:





Probably the most important thing to remember, Love is not the same thing as Lust. Just as faith is the foundation in religion, trust is the foundation in relationships. When the trust is gone, so is the relationship.

A promise is a promise and not to be taken lightly.

Then what? Whatcha gonna do when the new wears off and the old shines through. It ain't really love and it ain't really lust and you ain't anybody anybody's gonna trust....then what?




And remember, if you fall and you think you're in love, but it "doesn't work out". It's easier to long for what could have been than it is to actually see why it didn't work out to start with. Love is something you sacrifice for, that you work for, that you rise above for, not something that "could have been". Sometimes it takes years, even decades to see it, but you do see it eventually. When that happens, you'll be ready to find love, real love, that isn't dependent on hopes and dreams, but trust, respect and a common bond.

Stand by your man

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


You want good strong marriage & relationships advice?

Here's the man.....

www.shmuley.com...

and I have all his books!

We focus on being loved in this culture, rather than loving; believing our happiness and wholeness depends upon the love (or its more common correlate, desire) we are able to illicit from others. When in fact, the sweetest portion of the human possibility lies sleeping until we begin to focus on our capacity to love.

That's the main thing. Don't worry about being lovable. Don't worry at all. Shake your love and wake it, so that it is alive in you every day; so that it sings itself through your actions and touches all that you touch.

Additionally, never assume you know everything there is to be known about the one you love. Another person is a domain with shifting borders and topology; and if you get complacent, there's a good chance you're going to wake up next to a foreign country one morning. So stay curious.

Small acts of kindness go a long way.

Oh, and keep it freaky.

Only after you learn to truly love yourself can you ever hope to truly love another.... then find another that loves you above themselves and you do the same.

If someone isn't willing to make a sacrfice from what is "comfortable", then they don't love you, they just love the idea of what they think love is.

An excellent point - NO ONE ELSE is responsible for your happiness - you are responsible for your own happiness. Putting something as delicate and important as that in the hands of anyone else is virtually begging for trouble. 9 times out of 10, they will either fumble and drop it, lose it, or abuse it.

reply to post by nimbinned


There is no such thing as soul mates - soul mates work hard at their relationship for many years hence why they become soul mates.

If every couple thinking of marriage go marriage counselling before they get hitched - my bet is they'll soon find out they were'nt meant for each other by appointment 3.

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus


My advice to married couples?

1. Don't have kids.

2. Get a divorce ASAP.