Well, I started going with a new guy and he wants me off of ATS

Red Flag! Not just him, but both of you.

The fact that he would try to change you (especially so soon into the relationship). Ding, ding, ding, ding.

The fact that you were willing to throw your interests away to please him. Ding, ding, ding, ding.

My husband doesn't come on here - not interested. But he finds the fact that I do one of my endearing quirks and trusts my judgement and opinions, no matter what.

You really like this guy, right? Then tell him your open mind is one thing that you like about yourself. Smile and tell him you will allow him the same freedom. Get this relationship off on a good vibe.

reply to post by Partygirl


Thats not a very good beginning to a relationship.... Whatever he is doing now, multiply it later on down the road. so if he is already telling you not to be on here after a day or two of dating!?? its guna get ugly.

reply to post by MRuss


I agree with your overall statement. But let's all just take a step back for a minute. We don't know the OP. We are all assuming she is behaving rationally and is a well adjusted, well rounded person.

For all we know this may not be the case. Perhaps she has a problem and he is pointing it out to her.
Maybe she spends too much time online. Maybe she freaks out and over reacts to things she reads on ATS. Maybe he is making the suggestion for her own good and to help her stay grounded.

She is agreeing with his request. Like many have said there are red flags on both of them. So if she spends too much time reading and posting on ATS and is ignoring her responsibilities he isn't being such a bad guy for recommending that she quit posting for awhile.

It's not as bad as being a crackhead or alcoholic but online behavior can still be an addiction and become a problem also. Online porn, too much Facebook, even too much ATS is not good. We really just don't know and unfortunately the OP and her new boyfriend are not going to fill in the details. So we shouldn't automatically assume that the guy is being controlling. Maybe he's see's a problem and she is admitting to it.


EDIT:

I did a quick check of PartyGirl's profile and found this

Partygirl
Investigator of quiddities
Member




About Me

Birthday:
Topics I Like:
Religion, Theology, Politics, Current Events, Metaphysics

Topics I Dislike:
(I didn't update this yet.)

Stuff I Like:
The green places in the desert. Learning from them is very important.

Stuff I Don't Like:
Let those who love the Lord hate evil
Psalm 97:10a

My Favorite Sites:
Above Top Secret
The Chalcedon Foundation
Bible Gateway
More Stuff You Should Know

I was born in 1989 in the middle of nowhere, Utah, USA.

I am a fundamentalist Christian, which means I believe the Bible to be the inerrant Word of God and that salvation comes through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

I am also a staunch environmentalist, and I stand against the two-party paradigm.

The name "Partygirl" is a nickname from a (non-Christian) friend of mine who sarcastically calls me "the life of the party" because of my strong religious and political views.

I know, I know, ATS frowns on one word posts. So as to drag this out as long as possible,...let me state my one word response right... about... now,

INSECURE.

reply to post by Partygirl


listen to your new BF there is reason for concern. Most of this population are intelligent and great to discuss things with but there is a higher number of "crazies" on this site compared to others.

I don't know that Partygirl will be back to read what has been posted here, in her thread. But, what I do know of controlling men. leads me to believe that her new BF will be here to read what we all wrote to her. Insecurity is the foundation of control issues. Of course, that alone will probably lead him here to check up on her. That is what they do. Constantly attempt to find fault with their partner. The world according to a Narcissistic personality is a very one-sided view.

And, perfectionism is reserved exclusively for them.

If this is indeed the case we are seeing here....she is in for a whole lot of hurt down the line.

partygirl,
you say that you are leaving as a compromise, so what did he give up?
a compromise is when both parties give up something to meet at a middle road. it seems you are giving up something without him giving up anything. that isnt compromise it is capitulation.

i really hope it works out for you but for a guy you only just met making demands on what you do, or who you speak to online, well that isnt love it is control.

best wishes and see you when you get back and have a story of dumping a control freak.

i agree with the previous poster, if he is calling ATS creepy, he is calling you creepy.

reply to post by unworldly


Though I may not be fond of your approach, there is merit to what you've said in this thread. We are going strictly by what we have been told. Nothing wrong with that per se. Our advice is based on the information we received.

Still, we don't know the situation, and there could be a control issue being played out on either or both sides. Conjecturally at least.

The fact she is a fundamentalist christian, which is what I came out of, tells me that her mindset may already be to look to him for leadership in the relationship, and "spiritually". As much as fundies hate to admit it, females are still second class citizens biblically. It's written all over the new testament. And women are "encouraged" not to stray too far from the mold. Even women who have become ministers, are again "encouraged", to be under the "authority" of a husband or a church body.

She obviously wanted opinions, and she got them. And as someone else said, hopefully she'll take the median, and not the extreme.

reply to post by MathiasAndrew


I think you're wrong about this.

Even if the OP was online 40 hours a day, it is NEVER acceptable to ask someone to change at the beginning of a relationship to suit some fear or need that the asker has. He can walk away from the relationship, he can express concern....but to ask her to abstain completely from doing something becuase he simply doesn't like it? That shows a controlling quality in this guy that should concern anyone who cares about the OP. And she shows co-dependent qualities in her willingness to go along with it. The relationship starts out with this premise: "You're going to have to change if I'm going love you." Or: "I'm willing to alter my behavior to please you."

At the beginning of a relationship, woman are sometimes willing to do just about anything to "keep the guy in the room." We fear our imperfections. We fear not being loveable enough. We're often insecure. We want the golden ticket in the candy bar at any cost. But what she has just told this guy is this: "Anytime you don't like something about me, just ask and I'll stop doing it." She has shown him she is bendable, and she's settinng up a precedence for future control. In my opinion, you let someone know right off the bat that you're not a doormat. You set your boundaries right from the start. And in truth, you get a lot more respect from someone that way.

I know someone who was dating someone who smoked. As a condition of their continuing a relationship, she asked him to stop or she wouldn't see him anymore. He agreed because he didn't want to lose her, but in truth, he just wasn't ready. So he lied. Taking puffs behind her back and trying to hide it. He wanted to change for her, but he wasn't ready. When we ask someone to change for us, we risk being lied to. We risk setting up unfair conditions that they can't meet, despite their best intentions. It isn't right and it isn't fair. You risk honesty in your relationship when you ask someone to be somebody they're not.

I bet the OP comes back and takes a few peeks at ATS from time to time to see what's going on. It will be her guilty pleasure.

What I want for the OP is to meet someone who shares her interests, who accepts her as she is, and loves her unconditionally.

We should want the best for ourselves and not settle for less.

Originally posted by evs490
reply to post by Partygirl

 

listen to your new BF there is reason for concern. Most of this population are intelligent and great to discuss things with but there is a higher number of "crazies" on this site compared to others.

'There is a higher number of "crazies" on this site compared to others' ??


Could that be because there is a much larger membership on this site than other sites?

This can be a good experience for you. Use your free time to study and learn about your new BF.

Plan a social where you can get together with his friends and weigh how "creepy" they are against others that he claims to be "creepy".

While you're studying his behavior, ask him if there are any good books that he can recommend to keep you off of the internet when he's not around. The books he reads will tell you a lot about him. If he doesn't read, ask him what his interests and hobbies are and study up on those. If his only interest is sports, I don't know what to tell you!

Here's what should be the most important aspect to look for. Make sure you share the same spiritual beliefs. This can and will be a big deal breaker after a few years if you don't.

Whatever you do, don't ever think you can change him, it won't happen. Learn when to walk away in the beginning if you ever start having doubts. If you have doubts early on, they will surely spread like a disease later. Just know when to recognize them.

Edit Add: If I had a dime for every girlfriend that told me that they knew they were making a mistake on their wedding day, I'd be rich!

reply to post by unworldly


A pic of herself smiling (if it's the avatar I'm thinking of) is screaming for attention?

PG, I gotta agree with the rest, though you probably won't read this for a long time. You just got together and he is already telling you what to do--not a good sign. I could understand if he asked you to stop attending swinger clubs or throwing bricks off overpasses, but to tell you you cannot post on a message board?

ETA: A compromise means you meet in the middle; what did he give up?

This is one of the best threads ever...hilarious in fact...from my perspective at least.

Bravo PartyGirl....Bravo

She has shown him she is bendable, and she's settinng up a precedence for future control. In my opinion, you let someone know right off the bat that you're not a doormat. You set your boundaries right from the start. And in truth, you get a lot more respect from someone that way.

reply to post by Destinyone


I don't want to pick you. I can sort of tell by your avatar that you might sensitive to certain issues.

But. please don't forget that jealousy, insecurity, controlling behavior and narcissism are not just traits displayed by men. Women are just as screwed up sometimes. Actually, most of them in my own personal experiences.

Your comments come off as a bit sexist and seem to be trying to portray women as always being right and perfect which is obviously not the case.

Have you considered that Partygirl, by creating this thread, may be displaying the typical passive aggressive behavior that many women use to try and control men. She is having us all fight her battle for her.

We have no details and only her brief comments to go on. We all attack the guy and do her dirty work while she comes out looking squeaky clean. And don't even get me started on how women use sex to try and control men to get want they want.

To finish my point, relationships and all the positive and negative behaviors are found in both sex's. We have them to different degree's and it's natural to have some jealousy and want some "control" in a relationship. Asking your partner to do certain things for you is not always controlling.

Depending on how important the issue is I think we all should fulfill our partners requests. That's how relationships last. If we all were selfish and chose to do the "fun" stuff regardless of how our partner felt about it then the divorce rate would be even higher than it already is.

reply to post by MRuss

She has shown him she is bendable, and she's settinng up a precedence for future control. In my opinion, you let someone know right off the bat that you're not a doormat. You set your boundaries right from the start. And in truth, you get a lot more respect from someone that way.

Why get into a relationship at all then? Why not stay single and become a bitter jaded man-hater?

Better yet just become a lesbian.....

Well, i have found that some people, as far as relationships go, seem to like to be "controlled" or at least: as they say, "not wearing the pants".

I just think ATS is a place where, for the most part, people tend to be NOT that type.

But hey if she needs to get away to "score", then who are we to judge. Go get some PartyGirl

Who knows maybe you can work on him, over time he might actually enjoy ATS and become a junkie like us.

reply to post by MathiasAndrew


It's actually possible to have a great relationship with someone without being controlled.

My husband likes to hunt. I like to travel. We give eachother space to be who we are, to pursue our own interests.

I think we all need to shoot for enlightened relationships.

Sorry to say it but this is NOT a good start to a relationship.

Sounds like he has control issues and wants you to himself.

If anyone ever told me not to go to a website I'd tell them where to stick it ASAP.

My fiancee is a member, made him join hehe, and he KNOWS how much I love my ATS.

The friends I have made on here are like family to me in a way and I wouldn't stop talking to them for anyone!

This is just the beginning of what he will tell you to do....This is not a good thing.

reply to post by MRuss


I agree. It seems obvious to me that these two people are too young. I think Partygirl is inexperienced in relationships otherwise she wouldn't be asking for this type of advice with this issue.

She is in her early 20's and a Christian from Utah. I wouldn't be surprised if she was saving herself for marriage. I wonder what her new boyfriend would say about that?

Hypothetically let's say she is saving herself for marriage and the new boyfriend agrees with that. Does that changed anybodies view point about their relationship?

EDIT:

Another hypothetical scenario... suppose he is asking her to avoid this website because of the extreme negative way that Christians are treated on ATS. This website mostly look down upon Christians and is against her religious beliefs and maybe his too. What if that was a factor? Maybe, he's a geeky clean cut church going God fearing momma's boy... no wonder he thinks we're creepy