I've stopped having the will to live.

reply to post by berenike


I have been trying to NOT think about that man and his daughter- he's 80% of the reason I'm in the state I am in now. I am only recently clawing my way out of the hole he tried to bury me in. The thing everyone says about a person 'giving' someone else power? It's poodoo. Sometimes, people TAKE power from someone, whether they want it taken or not. I am still struggling with what's left of my confidence and self esteem. I have more than one person tell me about the massive raw talent I have (had?). I am serious about this- I made a funny last night about someone discovering me and turning me into Hollywood's next big thing. I was snickering about that.... My friend tells me straight out "Why not? You HAVE the talent- however raw it is."

Here's the kicker. I have all this supposed talent- and not a place to use it. I did have a period where I was going to try to find a casting agency. Between every place I looked into was a scam of epic proportions, and my personal experiences with women acting like I was the second coming of Quasimodo, It got a little tiring after a while. not to mention I am now too sore, too old, too ugly, and I don't know a soul in Hollywood, nor was I inbred into Hollywood royalty- thereby making me ineligible for any sort of acting job.

Sometimes, I do sit and wonder about other people like me- how many are out there that have talent in one or more areas, who have had their heart, mind, and soul just plain broken into a billion pieces- by religion, bullies, and the like? Ya gotta wonder how many good people have given life the finger and are just waiting for Death to pull up.......

reply to post by berenike

I've been trying to imagine you being dragged along by a St Bernard at full pelt and it does conjure up quite a picture.

That was Nana- a HUGE St that decided to foster me. If I had ever found a human woman that dedicated, loving, loyal and protective, The only, ONLY complaints anyone would hear out of me would be if I got a tummy ache, a sunburn, or if I got shot! I'd be the happiest SOB in existence!

Here's the part that shows what kind of accursed existence I live in: After she came to the shelter, and I befriended her- and she turned into the most protective dog I have EVER experienced in my life- I was safe from anyone. Aliens could have tried to abduct me and have been sent back to their ship in little tiny shreds- The dog ended up with bloat and died. This also was the initial jibe from my boss- I was too grief stricken to comprehend he was trying to make an ass out of me.... " Just pray really hard to God, and He might bring her back- worked with (some so and so from the Bible)".

Sometimes, I really think God laughs at people like me so hard, he has permanent breathing problems... I have come to realize God doesn't give a care about the poor. We are the GI Joes to his BB gun and magnifying glass.

reply to post by wylekat


I wondered before if you had any links with Hollywood or something similar. No wonder you've been messed up.

I only 'know' what I read, of course, but could you find more honest, grounded, everyday people to mix with?

Do you ever think that maybe the people who put you down might be threatened by you? They are so worried about keeping their own little niche they can't afford even an iota of praise for anyone else.

If you're judging your looks (or allowing other people to judge them) by Hollywood standards, of course you will come up lacking. Most of us would. Stop to think how much those people owe their looks to surgeons, cosmetics and good lighting.

I'm not trying to embarrass you (or flirt, you'll be pleased to know) but I saw your photos and you're ok. Not a matinee idol but very far from Quasimodo.

Could you start a web-site? Have you thought of applying to illustrate for comics? Sell your art on the net?

I used to go to a market where artists sold their work - something like that could be a beginning.

Or advertising / marketing? I think I remember you saying you were able to think of constructions? Sorry, my memory's not good for technical stuff. Could you go for architecture, engineering, maybe a draughtsman? Technical drawing - not trying to be ignorant, but these aren't my subjects.

Dogs will always be able to break your heart. I was totally in love with an ex-employer's dog, but we only had her for two years when she had a 'condition' and the decision was made to put her down.

I lost my old dog to cancer three years ago. Even though I have my new little one, I am near to tears as I write about the old one. He would have so loved the place I am living in now.

The only comfort is in knowing that you did your best for them when you had the chance. You knew and appreciated how much they loved you.

I don't have any regrets about my old dog because I know that I couldn't have tried harder for him. I'm not perfect, and I'm not denying the odd mistake but I did my utmost at the time as I'm sure you did. Why else would they love us so much?

It was important that you gave what you did and saw your friend safely over to the other side. I've got to go now, I'm crying for both of us.

reply to post by wylekat


have you gained the will to die????>>>???>>??

Hi again,

I've just been reading this thread that you started in January;

www.abovetopsecret.com...

What marvellous responses you got - far better than anything I could come up with.

Have you thought of reading it all again? It's been a wonderful inspiration for me. It kicked me into a frame of mind that I had lost due to recent troubles and I'm so grateful.

I have a beautiful life now, that I worked hard for, but haven't enjoyed it as much as I could because of a couple of issues. OK, they're real issues but I needed to focus away from them and appreciate the good things more.

I'm doing that right now - I hope you can take this as a success for yourself. Something you did has been of great benefit to me. Thank you.

reply to post by berenike


All I did was ask 'why' of the universe, really. When you do all you can to make at least a decent life for yourself, you try everything in the book- and then just plain go off book... and STILL everything's a complete and utter disgusting mess- ya gotta ask "What the HECK is going on. *I* have done everything I can do". it doesn't make a lick of sense to work hard at a couple goals, and end up with absolutely squat. It makes as much sense as building a house, using the best materials, the best construction workers, you go out, pat the corner of the house, and the whole thing not only falls to pieces, it bursts into flames and is then sucked into a hole!

I have heard so many of the 'excuses'... Everything from "God is punishing you" to "God is testing you". I'm pretty well convinced I am not supposed to have a wife, or a g/f, or a family, or anything else- because this pleases "God" no end to see me miserable. I have fought for a very long time and managed to end up with completely nothing to show for it.

Also... to be quite honest... I didn't exactly set out to inspire anyone- I was just wanting to complain long and loud. It's one of the few things I can do quite well.

:shk:

Originally posted by wylekat

Also... to be quite honest... I didn't exactly set out to inspire anyone- I was just wanting to complain long and loud. It's one of the few things I can do quite well.
:shk:

You're in good company. I can write beautiful letters of complaint when I put my mind to it and I enjoy doing it.

I've often thought of hiring myself out to people who might not be able to string a coherent complaint together for themselves.

Have you ever thought of writing copy? If you can't get anywhere with the art/drawing side of your talent, perhaps you could get somewhere with writing.

There's a short stories forum on ATS you might want to start there?

Here - this is for you because he's cute

I'm not that great on the story part of things- I can do pictures (when the urge hits), but beyond that... A good example is the pic I did for funsies- the one about the Shuttle crossing the sun picture that was taken.

Shuttle crossing the sun thread

My 'contribution' is on page 4.

Thanks for the cute little jester guy, btw

Take it one day at a time...no wait, take it one minute, on moment at a time.

You don't have to like what you are going to do next week. You don't have to find a purpose to be alive next week.... Just find a purpose to be alive right now.

Maybe it's to watch TV, maybe it's to post a thread on BTS...who knows. Just do something RIGHT NOW. Rinse, repeat.

I think you're just facing the question everyone faces: What is the purpose of life? The cool thing is, you give life your own purpose! It's like writing your own paycheck every 2 weeks. How much do you want to make today? $1 Million? Why not?!?! How much do you want to enjoy life? More than you could hope for? Why not?!?!

reply to post by wylekat


I managed to find your post in time. That was so clever and I found the thread interesting too, I normally would have missed that.

Do you want to come over and play on my thread:

www.belowtopsecret.com...

We're having fun with personality tests.

So far on that site I've scored as a Pure Nerd, a Robot, a Freak (so true) and Adam from Buffy.

Dude I can kind of relate to what you are saying,but I'm sure I'm much older,I sustained major injurys in an accident,in pain all the time,I've had some instances where I was told to see a heart specialist,or have Cat scan done,but you know what after being operated on so many times,if there is something worse like a brain tumor or cancer,and if I were to die,I think I would be ready for it,my kids are all taken care of so if it does happen I would just as soon get it over with then have to dwell on it for who knows how long,and I do have a will