Come on - worst jokes ever thread :)

a reply to: Lumenari

What's the difference between a hormone and an aspirin?

You can't make an aspirin. . .

a reply to: Lumenari

Why are dead hookers such lousy drivers ?

Because they’re women

Wow... this got dark...

on a lighter note...

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo bees.

originally posted by: madmac5150
Wow... this got dark...

on a lighter note...

What kind of bees make milk?

Boo bees.

Dark, you say?

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.

She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Why does life get some people lemons?


They’re Dyslexic


Er....., my bad “melons”

The USS space ship Brambilino had been on course for the planet Zingo in the Tri Epsilon system for many many years, so many years that the crew knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they would not live long enough for the return flight home.

As the ship drew near to the planet they began to receive radio signals that indicated that the hopes of an advanced society lived there as indicated by the specto-analysis reports that had instigated the voyage in the first place could be true.

Upon reaching orbit the ship did a complete orbit of the planet and found several large cities of seemingly ancient design. So as to not create an overly risky confrontation, the ship landed miles and miles away from that appeared to be one of the smaller cities.

Departing the ship in land rovers the crew along with the captain, one Burly Ives, they began to drive towards the city. The longer they drove the more they realized just how huge this city was. It appeared to have a huge wall that surrounded the city that went on for miles and miles. As they drew closer the wall appeared to extend from horizon to horizon while at the same time extended high into the sky, maybe a mile or so.

Upon reaching the wall there was no entrance so Capt. Burly told half the crew to drive around the wall to the right while he would lead a contingent around the wall to the left. Several hours later the first crew radioed the Captain that they have found an entrance and would wait the arrival of the captain and his team. When the two teams hooked up it had gotten dark so Burly suggested that the whole reconnaissance team tent up for the evening. So they did. Strange noises were heard through out the night coming from the city inside the wall.

Early the next morning upon inspecting the entrance to the city, they found that the entrance appeared to be two huge doors about as wide as five football fields and tall as a twenty story building. They could not open the doors but could however slide under them while holding onto their hover boards, which they did, all twenty of them.

Once inside they found a magnificent city. The streets were as wide as the length of a foodball field and the buildings were all tall edifaces with no windows. Just some foreign material that at first appeared to be adobe but on closer inspection proved to be nothing of the sort as none of their tools could even scratch the surface of the substance.

The doors to each building were thirty feet wide and sixty feet high and just as the doors to the city wall were unmovable, were also impossible to open. However there was room for one small skinny crew member to crawl under the door for further investigations. So in when corporal ''Skinny McFlint'', scrapping his uniform as he did.

Minutes passed. There were sounds, loud bangs and other sounds that defied description. More minutes passed and nothing, no sounds no communications from McFlint. Nothing. The streets though wide and long were empty and their were no reasons to even believe that there were any inhabitants of this city at all, indeed the theory was circulating that it must be a ''ghost town'' of ancient aliens, all now dead and gone, when suddenly, there was a cry from inside the building that sounded like a man gone mad. And it sounded like McFlint.

A moment later there was a pounding on the door and screams like the screams of a man in fear of his life. Within seconds they could hear McFlint squeezing out from beneath the door..

As he popped free of the door he rose to his feet and ran to the captain. ''Captain captain'' he cried. ''We must leave now he stuttered. His face was streaked in crime and his clothes hung from his body in tatters. Captain Burly ordered the entire crew to the far side of the street for safety while they reconnoitered their situation. McFlint was babbling and drooling in fear as he was dragged by a couple of privates to what they hoped would be safety on the far side of the street.

Just as Captain Burly was considering retreating back outside of the wall a noise was heard from deep within the bowels of the building in which McFlint had inspected. The noise drew closer and closer to the door. Tump, rumble, Tump rumble Thump. And silence.

Then a deep scrapping noise was heard, a long and resonant creaking sound like the Titanic breaking in two as it slid towards it's watery grave. As the noise got even louder the crew could see that the door to the building was slowly opening. As it opened what appeared to be dirt and soot that had encased it for decades fell to the street before them.

Slowly the door opened all the way and there, there, standing in the doorway was a creature so fearsome that all the crew immediately knew what Skinny McFlint had fled in such panic from. They quivered in their boots, all but for the brave captain, Captain, Burly

The creature was tall, maybe thirty or forty feet tall. I'ts feet were the length of a swimming pool. Strangely it was covered from head to foot with a deep matted fur as thick as a hair brush. No eyes could be seen but in what appeared to be a mouth were teeth the size of footballs and a stench like that of an over flowing septic tank fill their noses.

But most intriguing of all was way up high in the air, out of the top of the furry creatures head stuck, what appeared to be a hypodermic needle. The crew quaked in fear and many made for their hover boards to make a hasty retreat. But the fearless Captain Burly bade them halt and stand firm saying, ''Have no fear friends, all it is is a furry with a syringe on top.

Little Johnny was sitting on a bench eating two snickers bars. A man sits down next to him.

The man looked at Johnny and said “you know those things aren’t good for you don’t you”

Little Johnny looked at him and said that’s exactly how my grandpa died

The man said from eating snicker bars?

Little Johnny told him no from not minding his own f***ing business

a reply to: PandaPrincess

This one usually wins in the worst joke stakes:

There is this guy lost in the desert in the old West.

He's crawling along on his hands and knees and cresting a dune, he sees one of those tiny settler towns with a bar standing out among the five or six buildings.

So he drags himself down the street and into the bar.

He raises his hand imploringly to the bartender and croaks out, "A drink, give me a drink".

The bartender looks at him and says, "We're a business. Can you pay"?

The man says, "I don't have any money. I'm dying of thirst".

The bartender says, "Well I can't just hand out drinks for free, then everyone would want one." He pauses thoughtfully and continues with a smile, "If you can drink from that spittoon, I'll shout you".

So the man grabs up the disgusting, bubbling green bucket of slime, tips his head back and begins to gulp.

The bartender goes wide eyed and says, "Hey mister, I was just joking. Stop!"

But the man just puts up one hand and continues to gulp and gulp. By this time, he has gotten to his feet.

Al last, he takes the bucket away from his mouth, takes a massive gulp of air, wipes his mouth and casts the empty bucket aside and it bounces hollowly on the boards.

The bartender, now turned a shade of sickly green says, "Why, why did you do that?"

The man looks at the bartender and, still out of breath, and says, "I couldn't stop. It was all in one lump".

a reply to: Fallingdown

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.

I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

a reply to: Lumenari

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician’s dilemma ?

He worked it out with a pencil .

a reply to: Fallingdown

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?

She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

I don't know any bad jokes.

Anyone that knows me knows that my last statement is a bad joke.

This one is tailored for the format ...

The nurse, Doctor and anti-Vaxxer walk into a bar

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"

The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."

She then collapses and dies from polio.

a reply to: chr0naut

You have won some kinda internet award for that one...



Well done!

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says “I think I’ll have an H2O.”

The second one says “I think I’ll have an H2O too”

The second one dies...

A man takes a job driving a city bus, and they assign him drive the Sesame Street route.

At his first stop, two exceptionally large women get on the bus... they both greet the driver with "Hi, I'm Patty...", then proceed to the back of the bus.

At the next stop, a child wearing a hockey helmet gets on the bus. He shouts at the driver "HI, I'M ROSS... I'M SPECIAL!!!", then takes a seat.

At the third stop, an old vagrant gets on the bus. He says "Hi, I'm Lester Cheese...", then takes a seat adjacent to the driver.

As he is driving, he notices that Lester had taken his shoe off... and was digging at his bunion with an ice pick.

The driver had seen enough. He stopped the bus, called the dispatcher and quit. When asked why, he replied...

"Have you seen this place? It's nuts. I've got two obese Pattys, Special Ross, and Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus!!"

a reply to: Lumenari

The only benefit those things have for men.

Is flossing.

a reply to: PandaPrincess

Not the worst, but, courtesy of "Alas Smith and Jones" (UK Comedy TV show):

The 'Swedish Chemist Shop' joke! (must be read with an exaggerated Swedish accent).

A swede walks in to a Chemist shop and asks the salesman, "Can I have some deodorant"

The salesman pauses then asks, "What kind do you want, ball or aerosol"?

The customer raises his arm and points to his armpit, "I want it for under my arms".

Did you hear about the two narcissist that got into a fight ?

It was a I for I

A very old one.
Two men meet in the countryside.
The first man is carrrying a hare.
The second man asks; "is that your own hare, or is it a wig?"