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Come on - worst jokes ever thread :)

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posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 09:24 AM
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I just saw this one on instagram and thought it belonged here-





posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 10:09 AM
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Three conspiracy theorist walk into a bar .

You can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence !



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 10:16 AM
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Hands down worst joke ever. But if you tell it to a small group just right, someone will laugh. I can’t explain why anyone would laugh. You can try various inflections to set it up better or worse. And it may or may not translate well to text. But for whatever reason, because it isn’t even a good non-sequitur, someone will laugh.



Two ducks are sitting in a bathtub.
The first duck says to the second duck, “Hey buddy, pass me the soap on a rope.”
The second duck says, “What do I look like to you, a typewriter?”



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 11:13 AM
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What do you call an Inuit who leads his people to the promised land?

Eskimoses


A prostitute and her John are in a hotel room- she asks the man, “do you want to pay for the sex before, or after?”.

He replies,”Don’t you know you should never end a sentence with a proposition?”

These are the only two jokes I have ever made up while clothe. And now you know why.



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 11:48 AM
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For the struggling musicians out there:

Q: How do you get the bass player off your front porch?

A: You pay him for the pizza.



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 01:07 PM
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?... I'm still working on the one about the city and wall and big doors and hairy hypodermic ?....? no really ?



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 01:22 PM
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My wife kicked me out because of my terrible Arnold Swarzenegger impressions.But don't worry, I'll return.



Got some sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after 1 minor indiscretion. He slept with 1 of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training&money. A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.




edit on 31-12-2019 by Tortuga because: (no reason given)



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 03:41 PM
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a reply to: Plotus

Ever see the musical Oklahoma?

The joke itself is a very long spoonerism.



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 10:46 PM
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originally posted by: Plotus
?... I'm still working on the one about the city and wall and big doors and hairy hypodermic ?....? no really ?

It's a really really bad joke.
www.youtube.com...



posted on Dec, 31 2019 @ 11:19 PM
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I have been waiting twenty years to tell this one....

So far this year sucks because everything is in hindsight.



posted on Jan, 1 2020 @ 07:48 AM
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originally posted by: DBCowboy

originally posted by: Lumenari
a reply to: DBCowboy

A neutron walks into a bar and asks, “How much for a drink?”
The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”


A horse walks into a bar.

the bartender says, "Why the long face?"



The horse replies, "Just got a divorce."


A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says jokingly, "Hey -- we've got a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper relies, "What? You have a drink named Steve?"

edit on 1/1/2020 by Soylent Green Is People because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 1 2020 @ 03:33 PM
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a reply to: PandaPrincess

Three legged dog walks into a saloon and says "I'm looking for the guy that shot my Paw".



posted on Jan, 1 2020 @ 06:41 PM
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Why do dogs lick their balls?

Have you ever tasted dog food?



posted on Jan, 1 2020 @ 11:05 PM
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Three dead guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Because the line was so backed up St. Peter said the order of entry would be based on how tragic the deaths were and said each of them would have to explain how they died. So he asks the first man and the first man says, "I live on the 42nd floor of an apartment building. I've suspected for a while that my wife was cheating on me but I could never catch her at it so today I came home early from work on purpose. I rushed in to the apartment sure I would catch her this time. I found her lying naked in bed like she had just been having sex. So I checked under the bed and there was no one there. I checked in the closet and there was no one there. I checked everywhere but there was no one there. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw some naked guy hanging from the railing on the balcony. I flew into a rage and tried to pry his fingers off the railing but he wouldn't let go. I went back inside and got a lamp and beat his hands until he fell. I was sure I got him but the lucky son of a bitch landed in a big fluffy bush and seemed to be alright. I couldn't let him get away so I pushed the refrigerator out on the balcony, over the railing, and squashed him flat with it. I was overjoyed for the moment but the exertion and the excitement was too much for me and I had a heart attack. And here I am.

St. Peter said, "That is tragic indeed. But lets hear what the next man has to say." The second man in line stepped up and said, "It was such a nice day I decided to stay home and get a few things done around my apartment. I live on the 43rd floor of an apartment building. I did the housework and felt pretty good so I thought I would work out a bit. I was doing some aerobics and working up a good sweat but I felt really warm so I slipped out of my workout clothes and went to finish my workout in the nude. I tripped on my sweatsuit and over the railing I went. I was lucky to have caught hold of the railing just below mine but I was too weak after my workout to pull myself up to safety. I thought for sure I was going to die when all of a sudden a man ran out onto the balcony. I was so relieved that someone was there to help me but instead of helping me he starts trying to pry my fingers off the railing! I held on for dear life but then he started beating my hands with a lamp and I had to let go. I fell thinking for sure I was a dead man but I landed in this big fluffy bush and apart from some scrapes and bruises, I was alright! I was about to get up and celebrate when this refrigerator comes flying out of nowhere and lands on me. Bang! I'm dead. And here I am."

St. Peter says, "Truly tragic. Lets hear one more and looks at the third man in line. The third man says, "Well you see, its like this. I was hiding in this guy's refrigerator..."



posted on Jan, 1 2020 @ 11:12 PM
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An old folks home was having a party to introduce the new old folks to the old old folks. Although the music was playing no one was interacting let alone dancing. Finally one of the new old men walked over to a nice old lady and said, "You maybe want to dance a little?" And she said, "So, why not?" And they hit the dance floor, shaking and gyrating as best they could. The woman leaned in and said, "I think its only fair I should warn you - I've got acute angina." And the old man said, "That's good, cause you got the ugliest legs I've ever seen."



posted on Jan, 1 2020 @ 11:33 PM
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a reply to: ColeYounger

Confucius say: Go to bed with itchy butt. Wake up with stinky finger.



posted on Jan, 2 2020 @ 02:00 PM
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The "Duck Joke" from My Favorite Year:


This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.

The psychiatrist asks, "Can I help you?"

And the duck goes, "Yeah. Can you get this guy off my ass?"


edit on 1/2/2020 by Soylent Green Is People because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 2 2020 @ 08:02 PM
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"You want to see something funny?"
Hold up a mirror.
edit on 2-1-2020 by Homefree because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 2 2020 @ 09:01 PM
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One Wednesday afternoon the teacher gets up from his desk and starts to write on the blackboard. He turns around and tells the class,Whoever answers my next question will be excused from school tomorrow. The teacher turns around and begins writing.
Little Johnnie is in the back of the classroom and reaches in his pocket and pulls out a ball bearing. He heaves it against the blackboard. When it hits the blackboard the teacher turns around and says, All right who has steel balls.





Little Johnnie jumps up says Superman I'll see you Friday!!
edit on 2-1-2020 by Bob350 because: (no reason given)



posted on Jan, 2 2020 @ 09:14 PM
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a reply to: PandaPrincess
Did they delete the original thread I Know I Posted some really bad jokes.



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