My ex just killed himself...

a reply to: ladyinwaiting

Thank you for your kind response. And unfortunately, he called me the one time before I chose to let it go to voicemail. I noticed he didn't actually leave a voicemail, from there, I made the decision to silence my phone because I didn't want to deal with what I thought would be just another phone call from him detailing to me his apprehensions at marrying his fiance. So I turned my phone volume down, hoping that I was opting to have a worry free and fun night just hanging out with some work acquaintances. So, I didn't check my phone until I got home late at night, which by that time he was already gone.

At this point I have no idea if he was drinking or was under the influence of anything. When we were together he was barely a drinker..and even the times when he called me to talk he was never calling under the influence of anything.

originally posted by: stosh64
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Suicide is the ultimate mind F# to those left behind.

After reading your whole post I can't help being angry at your ex, took the cowards way out while leaving a trail of broken emotions.

I have been through similar, and all I can say is thank God you never married him!

Do what you need to do with the funeral and leave this behind you.

Thoughts and prayers are with you Reya.

While you're trying to be rational in your post, your coldness and lack of sympathyis a match. Never judge as coward a person who goes to such extremes. I've worked with cases where people have suicidal tendencies and is a very tough subject to deal with. No one knows the status of the person who commits suicide, his emotional health, his level of depression, the motive...whatever makes him take the most precious thing, his own life. You seam to care more about the emotional trail he left behind rather than the life that was spent at such an early stage. By definition, suicide is the most extreme of acts, nothing that comes after that can be compared. I just wish the poor guy, where ever he is now, at least finds the peace he couldn't find while alive. God have mercy on his soul.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Maybe it was a snap decision, over his own depression and anxiety of not being able to reconcile his own feelings of indecisiveness, poor choices, and inadequacies. It might have overwhelmed him. In any case, Reya, you were NOT the right person for him to reach out to, if that was in fact what he was doing. He had to know that.

Again, I think you will gain more insights into this as days go by. Most suicides leave a note, if it is well planned.

Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself now. Eat. Rest. No harsh self-admonishments. Chase away those thoughts.

My best. Reach out to us here, as long as you need.

originally posted by: ladyinwaiting
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Maybe it was a snap decision, over his own depression and anxiety of not being able to reconcile his own feelings of indecisiveness, poor choices, and inadequacies. It might have overwhelmed him. In any case, Reya, you were NOT the right person for him to reach out to, if that was in fact what he was doing. He had to know that.

Again, I think you will gain more insights into this as days go by. Most suicides leave a note, if it is well planned.

Be kind to yourself. Nurture yourself now. Eat. Rest. No harsh self-admonishments. Chase away those thoughts.

My best. Reach out to us here, as long as you need.

Thank you, I'll definitely follow the advice You've been so extremely kind and helpful.

originally posted by: kaylaluv
The fiance will just have to get over it the way you had to get over her participation in his betrayal of your relationship

EXACTLY!
Bang on Kayla.

Suicide, a permanent fix to a temporary problem.

I am sorry for what you're going through, as well as his family. But he chose to take a cowardly and selfish way out. Mourn and move on. Dont dwell on someone who would put those he "cared" about or those who cared about him through this hell.

You'll make it through. Never give up.

Again, to every single one of you that responded to my thread. I want to sincerely thank you for everything and all the words and advice. I will be heading off here for now. I will definitely be following a lot of your advice and will be keeping all of these well wishes in my head and in my heart to help get me through the times the words of you amazing people, even if strangers to me,are not physically with me.

This really did help me cope with it after his having occurred so suddenly and unexpectedly. I never thought so many wonderful people would be willing to reach out to me after my OP.

Thank you all, so very very much. I'm going to try and regroup now and try to get through the remainder of this day . I will be back tomorrow morning and I will update.

Thank you everyone.

a reply to: Somethingsamiss

Thank you so much. This is, ultimately, what I will be striving for.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

See?

That's wrong. What was this guy doing calling you to tell you all about how worried/scared/having possible second thoughts he was about marrying the girl he betrayed you with?

That tells me he maybe wasn't so different from my ex after all. He felt like he could always count on you to be there to use as he needed, and that's not fair to you.

It's not fair to you to be left holding the bag with all this guilt over the way things ended, and you honestly shouldn't feel an obligation to attend his funeral. I understand if you do, but you really shouldn't.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Think about you are saying here, this dude left you for another woman. Got engaged to her even!

Then, on the day he decides to 'off' himself, he calls you????? He doesn't even have the courage or decency to call the woman he's committed to spending his life with!! What does this say about his character and maturity?? Not very much, I'll tell you!

And here you are, stressing out about going to his funeral and what people in his life might feel or think about you! Screw them! Go if YOU want to go. Go if it will make YOU feel better and will make it easier for YOU to move on. Screw them; you owe them nothing...exactly zero!! Personally, I wouldn't go, but that's me. I wouldn't give him the dignity, and certainly wouldn't give him and/or the "other woman" the time of day!

This dude has committed the ultimate act of selfishness, and you're worried about others???

Worry about YOU!

Remember, if you feel pain grief or sympathy then you're doing just exactly what he hoped you'd do...feel sorry for him, the selfish bastard! Are you going to let him "play" you one last time like a worn out fiddle?

Yeah, I'm a cold SOB sometimes, but there's a time and a place. Seems this is both the time and the place for you to do the same.

a reply to: ketsuko

In the end...I feel like he did it because he knew I was still a sap enough to let him. He knew I still had feelings for him..I think he wa hoping I would tell him to come back. But I never did, as hard as it was to keep telling him to stay with her..

a reply to: Flyingclaydisk

Thank you so much. It's blunt..but I feel like it's the type of guidance I need. The last thing I need when I'm in some sorry, vulnerable state is to have someone sugar coat something...one of the reasons I ended up coming here. I need reality...because nothing feels real right now.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

But at the same time, you, yourself, deserve closure on this matter.

You need to go to the funeral. His gf can just deal with it. As you had to deal with him and her getting together.
She can be an adult for the day and respect the fact that you are attending.

I think NerdGoddess recommended something along the lines that you contact the gf and just give your side.
You didnt do a thing wrong. You answered your phone when he would call.
Youve known him longer than she has. So you have every right to be there as she does.

Simply get the point across that if you can be adult enough to get over the fact that those 2 were sneaking around together, she can get over the fact that you want to say good bye.

After which, you two never have to see each other again.

But yes, you need to go to the funeral. You deserve to be there.

originally posted by: Snarl
I think you're lucky this guy is permanently out of your life.

Change your phone number ... and move on.

I agree, it's possible you're luckier than you realize. People opting for suicide often take others with them. It's good you didn't answer your phone, you did the right thing.

I imagine grief over a suicide is about as bad as it gets. His family might be looking to blame someone other than him, take a little extra care during this emotional time.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Thank you..I most likely will end up going...because I can't bring myself to completely neglect my emotions. I feel like it would bring me closure. Thank you.

I'm sorry for your loss Reya .

Sometimes a soul is in so much pain they just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, or if they do , they realize its a train heading their way 😕

Instead of bashing a soul who obviously wanted out of some sort of pain.. I choose to not disparage those who have passed.

Prayers for his soul as well as all those he left behind to mourn his loss.

This might be a bit early yet and perhaps a bit crass, but speaking of "cold"...

Did he have a Will?

I'm heading out of here, so ahead of time, for any future posters that I am unable to directly respond to until I come back tomorrow morning..thank yu. And thank you, once ore to all these who posted and offered me their kindness, one stranger to another.

I appreciate it and will talk to you all tomorrow morning.

a reply to: Sheye

Thank you, Sheye. I know we had our past issues, but thank you for responding.

Op,

First off I want to commend you for having compassion for your exes fiance.. you have come across as an extremely mature ,level headed, and intelligent woman.

I had a similar experience,when I was 19 a very close friend of mine called me up and asked me to come up to Hartford and hang out with him at his apartment..it was valentines day ..I had plans with my girlfriend and told him I could not but I would come up and hang out the following weekend.

I went out with my girl, not giving it much thought. The next morning his mother called me and told me Gary had hung himself the night before..apparently his girl friend broke up with him on valentines day.

I still feel guilt..

Even though I had no way of knowing his intentions or what state of mind he was in.
When we spoke he seemed normal, the only thing that raised flags for me was how adamant he was about me visiting that night . He did not seem depressed and never mentioned the fight with his gf.

I am truly sorry for your loss and what you are going through.

/cyber hugs

Respectfully,
~meathead