posted on Aug, 1 2017 @ 06:54 AM
This is my first actual thread posting, so if this is not the correct forum for this, please let me know. And also, for starters, I apologize for
the scattered nature of my post, as I have been up all night without a wink of sleep and am now having to be at work as I do not have the option of
simply calling out on such short notice.
I’ll begin with as brief as a background as possible. I’m 26, I’m originally from the middle of the states but moved south to pursue my
masters in marine science, with about a year left. I have no direct family down here and do not have the luxury of close companions. I have the
occasional outing with others from my work and others from my class, but it’s always in larger groups and with people who I cannot exactly confide
in without it feeling awkward or without me having to pretend to feel something with generic platitudes. I know, if I were to tell them, they’d
mean well but wouldn’t know what to say..nor would I ever assume or expect them to. So..I’ll save them and myself the stress of it.
Almost four years ago I met this guy, and being the lonely sap I can be, I fell for him hard. We were together for two years and things were great.
We could depend on each other but we were independent enough to understand we had our own lives. We actually got engaged. Approximately six months
prior to our saved date, I found out he was cheating on me. Not the point of this thread, but relevant in a bit. He’d been cheating on me for a
few months at that point and it completely caught me off guard..which can sometimes happen when you’re in love. While it was a simple or quick
decision, we ended up calling off the engagement and ending our relationship. A few months passed and we didn’t talk for obvious reasons, he was
with this woman he’d been cheating on me with..and I was still heartbroken and wanted to hate him but still loved him. That really #ty feeling
where you have no control over your emotions and they’re strong in every which horrible direction.
Fast forward several more months and I find out through social media that he is engaged with said girl above. Was taken aback of course because I had
been so in love with him and it took us a fair amount of time to decide on an engagement, but with her it has taken under a year. But..for the most
part..I had come to terms with everything and had built myself back up, focused even more on school and work and tried to become a stronger woman.
Which, in that moment of a test, felt like I had been somewhat successful. I let him know I was happy for him for being happy. From that point, we
at least were amicable.
Over the course of the last year, however, he would periodically call every so often…I would count maybe under 10 times over the course of this past
year. The phone call lengths would vary to 10 minutes to an hour or more. It was, again, amicable. Though, I found myself constantly having to end
the call because he would bring up our past and he would say how he isn’t sure if he’s making the right decision with the engagement, saying he
missed us, etc. I had to, against what my heart still wanted, talk him out of those thoughts. I had to tell him he is just having cold feet. For
what I thought was the best for him, his new fiancé and for myself. I’m a logical person…so this made sense.
Fast forward to last night. I went out after work to a local beach bar to drink with some of my coworkers, as it was one of their birthdays. Things
are okay, I’m having a decent time. I’m pretty buzzed. My phone starts to go off and it’s him. And in my head, because EVERY past time he has
called, it’s always him detailing how he’s having cold feet. And EVERY time, I have to feel the stress and that pain of having to tell him that
it’s just cold feet. Again…to avoid getting myself hurt again…to avoid his fiancé from going through what I went through…and for him to
avoid regretting yet another decision. I, for whatever reason, ignored the call and let it go to voicemail. He didn’t end up leaving one. I end up
silencing my phone so I can try and enjoy the rest of the night. I carry on the night and get home late.
Once I get home, I get ready to sleep and pull out my phone to set my alarm for work the next day and noticed that I have over ten missed calls. Two
more are from him and the rest are from 2 other number I didn’t recognize. I check my messages, none are from him, but I have a shaky voicemail
from his fiancé and then another from his mother. I call his mother and am told he has shot and killed himself. I’m dumbfounded. Even know…I
realize I’ve been able to describe everything leading up to that moment last night but cannot find the words to actually describe the actual moment.
She explained how I was the last person he tried to call apparently. He didn’t try to call his fiancé, who I learned from his mother, works very
late and wasn’t home when it happened.
I was up all night. I could find no way to bring myself to sleep. I got another call from his mother, she’s extremely torn up and she asks me
repeatedly if I knew why he was calling or if he left me any voicemails, which I repeatedly and heartbrokenly have very little of an answer to provide
her. She mentions in passing that she would want me to attend any funeral service they may end up having for him. But she mentions how his fiancé
is heartbroken over the entire thing, she adds in that his fiancé can’t wrap her head around why her soon to be husband would call his ex before
killing himself. She doesn’t want me to attend any service they might hold. I’m sure she blames me in some capacity…I honestly don’t blame
So…being the person I am…I come here to ATS to post this…to receive any words of advice…encouragement…any anecdotes of someone who has been
through something hard or remotely similar…because at this point..I would strongly appreciate honest words from third-party strangers. I feel this
need to find someone to relate to somehow right now. And I hope, in posting this, maybe I can make that connection.
Part of me has always loved him. I want to go to the service, whenever it does happen, so I can honor him as a person (as I’m not of any religious
faith). But…I don’t want to cause problems for his fiancé…because even if it was her who he cheated on me with…I realize she just lost her
future husband and forever love. She doesn’t have the ability to say she was the last person he tried to reach out to before killing himself. It
was me and she knows that and has to live with that. I can’t even begin to imagine what that feels like….so I cannot imagine what she would feel
if she saw my face in person…
And…at the same time…I just lost someone who once has a monumental role in my life. I illogically talked to him for over a year just to hear his
voice, even if it was to tell him to stay with his fiancé. And..I, myself, can’t wrap my head around how of all times I chose to ignore a call, it
had to be this time. I keep wondering if I had just answered, maybe I could have talked him out of it….
Ahead of time, I thank anyone and everyone who took the time to read and/or respond to this. I know it's a long read. I’m at work now on literally
no sleep, so if this is scattered, I do apologize…and if I have made anything unclear..please just ask away and I’ll do my best to clarify.
Thanks again, potential ATS posters…