My ex just killed himself...

a reply to: intrptr

I can understand that..I really can. As a means to try and cope with this and keep myself distracted in this small office, I am really holding on strongly to the logical advice so many of you wonderful people are taking the time to provide to me. If this had happened to someone else...I can see myself saying those very things. Trying to explain the logical side that those that choose to end their lives were usually always struggling at some point. Some are better at hiding it than others. It seems like such an easy thing to grasp from an outside perspective...but now that I feel like I'm actually in it, my emotions keep playing tug of war with what my brain is doing.

a reply to: ketsuko

Thank you for sharing that with me. That seems like it must have been very hard and scary for you. It's a shame that anyone should have to know any form of this sorrow. I'm trying to rationalize with those types of thoughts, but as I am sure you'd understand, it's incredibly difficult. My brain is trying to be logical but my emotions feel this #ed up guilt and sadness and it's like I'm struggling to not label these self-rationalizations as selfish of me to feel.

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: iTruthSeeker

It was pretty much out of nowhere...had I thought this time was any different I maybe would have picked up. Part of this guilt I feel is from after having let the call go to voicemail, I made the choice to silence my phone and not look at it until I got home and by that time it was too late.

Well it's not your fault. You can't control what a person does.

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

It might help you understand that people who are suicidal often blame others for their actions as a general rule. They want someone to pin their emotions on so they can justify their actions.

I agree OP is not to blame. I do think other people can drive you to at least contemplate committing suicide. My ex broke up with me after 9 years and never gave me a sensible reason why. I assume she was cheating. She immediately turned on me, no contact and battered me on facebook. I never found out why she ultimately broke up. She left me emotionally broken. Then soon after I received my third false arrest. Now I am financially broke from lawyer fees. I contemplated suicide because of these events and other people caused them. I will not pin my emotions on my ex. At least OP tried talking with the ex. It would had been nice for mine to do the same.

a reply to: NerdGoddess

Thank you for your kind words. and the virtual hug. I get that too...that everyone will grieve differently. Knowing that she doesn't want me there...should I go? I keep leaning towards that yes, I should go. But again..I don't know because I don't want to make the lives of the living more complicated and difficult.

Thank you for your advice.

a reply to: gmoneystunt

I am so extremely sorry that you had to go through something like that. It's always so hard when you feel like everything is going right in your life..andyou feel like you're on the right track, but it suddenly becomes uprooted without a clear reason as to why. I feel for you. I'm sorry you ever once had to feel such feelings..or that ending your life was ever a possibility. I'm glad you didn't go through with it.

Thank you for sharing...it has been helping so much reading all of the posts on here..and to those that have shared their own personal experiences. Connections and relations...especially those with people we barely know..I always feel stronger after having made them. This helps..reading this. Thank you again for sharing with me...I really appreciate it. I really, really do. More than you may realize. I hope you're doing well..

a reply to: iTruthSeeker

I'm trying to fully grasp this...it's difficult..but the better part of me knows it's not something that someone can simply snap into. Thank you so much..

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: NerdGoddess

Thank you for your kind words. and the virtual hug. I get that too...that everyone will grieve differently. Knowing that she doesn't want me there...should I go? I keep leaning towards that yes, I should go. But again..I don't know because I don't want to make the lives of the living more complicated and difficult.

Thank you for your advice.

Personally I would, but I'm also of the viewpoint that "you only live once, and I'll be damned if you're going to take an opportunity from me to say goodbye" Not saying i expect confrontation or anything but is there a way you could coordinate with the mother a best way for you to attend? I mean at the very least I think you should be able to go to a visitation if one is had. You haven't done anything wrong she just seems to have the perception that something was wrong. Also, I was thinking maybe you and her could try to talk she might benefit from that, but at the same time it also might hurt her to talk to you about it i just don't know. I still think you shouldn't have your chance to say goodbye to your friend ripped away from you.

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: NerdGoddess

Thank you for your kind words. and the virtual hug. I get that too...that everyone will grieve differently. Knowing that she doesn't want me there...should I go? I keep leaning towards that yes, I should go. But again..I don't know because I don't want to make the lives of the living more complicated and difficult.

Thank you for your advice.

I would go. I understand that this must be extremely tough to go through. Sorry you have to experience this

originally posted by: gmoneystunt

originally posted by: intrptr
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

It might help you understand that people who are suicidal often blame others for their actions as a general rule. They want someone to pin their emotions on so they can justify their actions.

I agree OP is not to blame. I do think other people can drive you to at least contemplate committing suicide. My ex broke up with me after 9 years and never gave me a sensible reason why. I assume she was cheating. She immediately turned on me, no contact and battered me on facebook. I never found out why she ultimately broke up. She left me emotionally broken. Then soon after I received my third false arrest. Now I am financially broke from lawyer fees. I contemplated suicide because of these events and other people caused them. I will not pin my emotions on my ex. At least OP tried talking with the ex. It would had been nice for mine to do the same.

Hang in there please. I really truly believe that the happy moments, the moments of pleasure, no matter how sparse or far and few they may seem, are worth allllll the suffering and agony we go through. Cutting out early gets you ZIP on this planet and in this life, we know that for a fact..... who is to say what's really on the other side..... Please stay here while your body will allow it.

Also a virtual hug for you, I'm sorry.

a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Take care of yourself . My brother killed himself with no warning , It really is an emotional disaster. It took awhile, but I ended up realizing it wasn't my fault . To this day I get angry at him for making the choice he took . Your ex made the choice not you .

I just wanted to thank everyone for their kind words, encouragement and condolences. It's really helping to distract me whilst here and to help my mind sober up and make things more transparent. I think I have responded to everyone. I also want to thank those that gave me advice on whether I should go to the service, whenever they do schedule one.

I'm still on the fence...but you all have truly helped me see things a little more clearly in light of this.

Thank you. I don't mean to post this as a means of simply getting sympathy. As a person living in a city with virtually no real connections, I lurked here for so long and recently made an account earlier this year. I've seen from lurking and just from my recent ventures posting that there are so many wonderful and logical people on here. And..in desperation..I feel like it's what I needed. And I appreciate every last post on here. Truly.

I have seen many of you ATSers help others that have posted similar hardships..or any hardship for that matter. So I appreciate everyone for reading my wall of text, as I know that's what it is. All of the level-headedness and kindness that I've read from you all has helped bring me down a notch to feeling a little more normal.

Thank you.

Im afraid to say, whether you answered the phone or not, even if you may have prevented it this time, it was bound to happen.
Once someone has made up their mind about this, im afraid its too late.

You didnt do a damn thing wrong.
You were living your life... the life he chose to abandon.

Do NOT think for a second that you should have picked up that phone and all this would be different.
Because it wouldn't be.

You are not responsible for another engaged persons actions.
You are not supposed to be there every time HE needs to vent about his new GF.
Thats their issues. Not yours, nor should they have been brought to you in the first place.

Im sorry if it sounds cold, that is not my intention.
I just do not sympathize for suicidal behavior, nor in anyway should you allow yourself to feel as though you could have prevented this.

His choice, his actions and his family and friends left holding the pieces.
Good guy.

originally posted by: NerdGoddess

originally posted by: ReyaPhemhurth
a reply to: NerdGoddess

Thank you for your kind words. and the virtual hug. I get that too...that everyone will grieve differently. Knowing that she doesn't want me there...should I go? I keep leaning towards that yes, I should go. But again..I don't know because I don't want to make the lives of the living more complicated and difficult.

Thank you for your advice.

Personally I would, but I'm also of the viewpoint that "you only live once, and I'll be damned if you're going to take an opportunity from me to say goodbye" Not saying i expect confrontation or anything but is there a way you could coordinate with the mother a best way for you to attend? I mean at the very least I think you should be able to go to a visitation if one is had. You haven't done anything wrong she just seems to have the perception that something was wrong. Also, I was thinking maybe you and her could try to talk she might benefit from that, but at the same time it also might hurt her to talk to you about it i just don't know. I still think you shouldn't have your chance to say goodbye to your friend ripped away from you.

Thank you...I keep wanting to feel that way. And part of me..most of me actually, would want to talk to her. I would want it if I were in her position...had I still been his fiance. But..like you said..it's hard to fully comprehend what is the best choice because everyone is so very different.

And I have been pondering that since I posted. I might try and coordinate with his mother, as she welcomed me.

originally posted by: 10uoutlaw
a reply to: ReyaPhemhurth

Take care of yourself . My brother killed himself with no warning , It really is an emotional disaster. It took awhile, but I ended up realizing it wasn't my fault . To this day I get angry at him for making the choice he took . Your ex made the choice not you .

Thank you so much...I am sorry that your brother made that choice. I am so sorry that you have to feel even remotely like this. Part of me felt the anger right from the get go..I'm not sure if that's normal..or if anything can be considered normal when faced with something like this. If you don't mind me asking...how long did it take you for the guilt to go away?

a reply to: NerdGoddess

Thank You. I appreciate it. I believe you are right

a reply to: gmoneystunt

Thank you for urging me to go...it's what my heart and my head are leaning towards...I really appreciate you.

a reply to: Macenroe82

Thank you...and I don't perceive it as cold at all. It's logical...which is something I need. I can't afford to act solely on the emotional part of this. Which..besides my lack of real life connections..caused me to come to ATS for advice. I can't help but feel partially angry at him even in death..for all those times I did try to talk to him..telling him to carry on with his life with his new fiance.

Thanks again so much for your words of advice.

a reply to: Macenroe82

I am very sorry to hear about this,Reya.But also not wishing to sound cold,i agree with Macenroe,and other similar sentiments expressed.The feeling i got from reading your story-he had that "hole in his soul" to start with.When being in a relationship with you did not fill it,he thought maybe he could find someone else to fill it for you.But one cannot heal oneself through anyone,or anything external.It has to come from inside oneself.It is not the fault of you,his fiance,or his family.Some people have totally Brutal lives but they manage to hang in there.I am sorry for your grief and shock,but that is normal.Please do not feel guilty-he made his choices,there was literally nothing you could have done.And you were even a friend to him after being viciously hurt and betrayed by him.You did all you could.A big big virtual hug to you,please do not feel guilty.

a reply to: OtherSideOfTheCoin

She said she did not have many people off line to talk to,and her family is not close by.Geez do you have some sick obsession with stars and flags? Obviously they are tremendously important to you,OSOTC,but not everyone has that uppermost and foremost in their minds.