posted on Dec, 25 2014 @ 03:33 PM
I haven't been an active participant on the boards for some time. I have kept reading, but just haven't had much to contribute to the dialogue. Not
sure if anyone here even remembers me.
I am alone on the holiday. It's okay I guess. I visited my parents yesterday and am blessed they are still here and reasonably healthy.
My work has been all consuming and leaving me tired and burned out. I don't do well in the winter months - as I love the outdoors (read, write, walk,
meditate outside). A bit too chilly for me now - and asthma makes walking in the cold not fun.
I have much to be thankful for. I'm alive and don't have a deadly disease or injury, I have a home, water, food, job, income, parents, adult
children. I have some to be sad about. No significant other currently. Lost loves, family to the great beyond over the years. Children are "failing
to launch" and I worry about their futures. All my beloved pets have passed. I can't bring myself to get another right now. Job is unstable and
working 10-15 hours a day, weekends, leaving not much time to stay healthy, exercise, be creative, relax or enjoy.
I normally never feel lonely. I've always been "strong" on the outside and did what needed to be done to support my kids when they were growing up.
But I have noticed in the past few months that I have that lonely feeling. I think it's because I really would like to change every aspect of my life
- find a new way to make a living that allows for travel, creativity, health -- but I really would like a gentleman in my life to create that life
with me. Funny, I never thought I'd feel that way. My sweetheart died in an accident years ago. But now, I wish I did have someone to sort of lean
on, laugh with, and help me make the wholesale changes I long to make in my life.
When my kids were little, Xmas was tremendous fun and joyful, even when I was struggling financially. When I was little, X-mas was completely magical,
even though we didn't have a ton, and the parents would inevitably end up fighting, it was still wonderful. It's not Xmas that's getting me down
(although it's a rough time of year to be alone). It's my stuckness and fear that I no longer have it in me to create the life I want to lead. I
feel that I hung tough all these years, being a single mom for long stretches, losing my Love, and trying to be "responsible." I kind of lost my
true Self though.
Sorry for spilling. Thanks for "listening." I watched Guardians of the Galaxy today, laughed, had tears, and realized that having deep connections
is something I do miss after all. I know tomorrow I'll wake up, work all day, and brush it off. But today, sorta down in the dumps.
Merry merry to all.