I Was a Victim: The Steubenville Rape Case is Not Isolated!!

Starwise....I deeply admire your courage and strength to admit that you are a survivor of such a horrible violation.

To all the others that have come forward as well....I am truly humbled by your strength.

The Stuebenville case has consumed me since I first heard of it about 4 months ago. It has caused a lot of emotional and psycological challenges because it has brought up brutally painful memories for me.

As I type this, the tears are falling and my hands are shaking but, if so many of you can come forward so bravely, then, so can I.

I endured something very similiar to what the vicitm in Stuebenville went through...minus the social media and international attention this case is getting.

Mine involved campus gossip, degrading comments from those in the know and a college administration more concerned with their prized basketball team than causing any controversy by trying finding out what really happened.

Because I was slipped a drug, I will never know everything that happened to me...I've yet to decide if that is a blessing or a curse. I guess it just depends on the day and the moment that it all creeps into my psyche.

After the incident I heard much of the gossip and a few decent people actually came to me and told me what was discussed in the locker room and practices...

What they did to me was nothing more to them than another sport....no different than lacing up their shoes to hit the court. There was no remorse, no guilt, no empathy.....it was funny to them. Much like the 12 minute video that creep made in the Stuebenville case.

Their lives continued on as if nothing happened. Mine took a downward destructive spiral that eventually led to a suicide attempt and visit to the state mental institution.

I wish rapist could understand what they are really taking from their victims...they are taking a part of the soul that can never be fully restored. They take away our trust, our self-worth and so much more.

We are never the same as we were before it happened. We become a new person and as such, we have to figure out how to move on and live a fulfilling life again.

It took years for me to begin to try a live a full and happy life but, it did finally happen. I found a man worthy of my trust and love and I have two boys that I vow to instill in them, good morals, values and respect for not just women but, human beings as a whole.

I hope someday that the people that think rape is okay will open their hearts and minds and realize that it is never okay...Never!

Starwise....thank you for this thread and to all the other survivors, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Originally posted by Druscilla
Blame the victim. Always blame the victim.
She was just asking for it the way she was dressed.
She should have known better than to go that part of town.
She shouldn't have gone to the party alone.
Associating with those kinds of people was an invitation.
...

Essentially we should all wear burkas, and be escorted everywhere we go, and only then to approved places to do approved activities, otherwise we're asking for it?

It's attitudes like this that cause me to entertain scenarios illustrated in my previous post.

If most of the men on this planet were just ... gone, we wouldn't have this problem at all.
The left over men could be like domestic animals.

edit on 19-3-2013 by Druscilla because: (no reason given)

No one is blaming the victim, however individuals do play a role in the things that happen to them in some cases. In this case, she got drunk to a point where she had no control. If you walk across the street without looking for oncoming traffic, and you get hit by a car, who's fault is it? Is it the fault of the driver or the person who did not look both ways before crossing the street? Or is it a combination of both?

Fact is, the girl is a victim but she also shares some responsibility in what happened to her.

Originally posted by SearchLightsInc
I just couldn't understand anyone's mentality of:

"She's drunk and passed out - i'll have sex with her"
"She's wearing a short dress and looked at me a couple times - I'll have sex with her"
"She's clearly drunk - I'll have sex with her"
"She seemed up for it earlier but now seems to be having second thoughts - I'll force her to comply"

Not every man thinks this way (Thank god) But the bottom line will always be:
No matter how drunk, slutty or passed out she is, if a woman doesn't consent to sex, its rape.

This pretty much sums it up for me

From my perspective (male) and not specifically talking about the Steubenville case
I think that blaming the victim of rape is not the right thing to do
Obviously the rapist is the guilty one
and women right groups are correct in saying so

However, I see a problem when it is taken to the other extreme
and what "ought" to be is confused with that "has" to be
take for example the picture with the topless woman saying "still not asking for it"
that is clearly a statement on what ought to be that has no grounds on reality
and therefore a dangerous and irresponsible message for impressible young minds
a message that could lead to young women placing themselves in danger

The woman in the picture is missing the point
there will always be sick and perverts looking for to victimize whoever catches their eyes
unless we can somehow fix mental illness, perversion, power greed etc etc rape is a problem that will stay with us.
everyone knows what "ought" to be, just don't be irresponsible and spread the message that it is ok to act and dress however you want wherever you want.
the reality is that if that woman was in a ghetto at 2 am and topless she would probably get raped
by someone who didn't care if rape was morally right or wrong

reply to post by CALGARIAN


I agree, prisons are institutions that suck many people of their often last shreds of decency and compassion and only further perpetuates the cycle of violence, hatred, pain, fear and desire for dominance. For a few it is the wake up call they need to set their lives straight, those seem to be the minority though. For most it only makes a bad thing worse, and that's something that affects us all.

What these boys really need is a wake up call and what that wake up call could be, I have no clue. It may happen for them in prison, it may not, but I hope it happens one way or the other, I'd prefer for it not to happen to them by being violated in a prison, two wrongs don't make a right IMO, I personally believe true justice doesn't lie in the hands of man and our artificial laws. That's just me, though and I understand why others want these guys to be held accountable for their actions. I know they will be held accountable, but I don't know that prison is the best answer.

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric


Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank YOU! This what I wanted!! Dialogue and the ability for us to stand up proud and unashamed! Knowing others who have experienced this makes a bond.

For others comments thank you too for taking the time to actually read and reply. I felt in my heart and soul that I had to write this because I knew there HAD TO BE more of us! Men and women. Yes my post was mostly about women, but I see that it is not as much a gender issue as much as an act of immorality and an evilness that can manifest in anyone......I love hearing from the men on this issue. Again, thank you.

My heart is so filled with joy right now because people are standing up and making their voices heard!!!

Originally posted by luciddream
Rape only happens to women? and its always Men who do it?

I did not know that. Interesting.

Yeah Men can't get raped, they like sex.

That's pretty biased and sexist people don't even realize it.

If Men complains about rape... you get "man up".. i guess that's fair.

___

Steubenville rape victim was dumb. Period. I was a bit angry but i still feel it could have been avoided.

If a person is going to get drunk beyond their limit, without friends to have their back, men or women, they should be expecting things like this, especially at a party filled with horny teenagers.

edit on 3/19/2013 by luciddream because: (no reason given)

Just let women vent. You are just supposed to listen and agree. Do you have any idea how to deal with women??

Rape is bad do not judge all men by the actions of some. It is good to be aware but putting stuff out there like every 2minutes a woman is abused will just make some people paranoid about everyone around them.

People die every 10 seconds some where and born every 4.2 seconds somewhere. Life happens.

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric

What they did to me was nothing more to them than another sport....no different than lacing up their shoes to hit the court. There was no remorse, no guilt, no empathy.....it was funny to them. Much like the 12 minute video that creep made in the Stuebenville case.

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric

I hope someday that the people that think rape is okay will open their hearts and minds and realize that it is never okay...Never!

I'm glad you are doing good now and hopefully your story will serve to educate those uneducated ones
I quoted some of your post to discuss about the mental state of rapists
for me, rapists are mentally sick people akin to sociopaths
they lack the remorse or ability to project themselves onto others
many people (some in this thread as well) seem to think most men would commit rape.
This is not true, decent real men will never rape a woman.
Not just because they would "control" the urge but because they would not have the urge to rape at all

reply to post by MagesticEsoteric


Your strength and courage are limitless. You are the very definition of a survivor.

I understand where you've been...i, too, contemplated suicide. I, too, face what happened on a daily basis. I know what its like to hear a sound that triggers a memory and panic attack. And i understand the shame and guilt...the endless cycle of asking why

If you ever want to talk, just message me. Sometimes it helps to vent, especially to a stranger.

You have my upmost respect.

reply to post by Starwise


I get disgusted on what I see in my high school classroom at times. I was brought up to always respect women, but what I see with a lot of young high school guys today is total disrespect for the opposite sex. I can't count the number of times I've had to write up male students for inappropriate conversations and vulgarity in my lab. They totally disrespect not only the girls around them, but rudely talk about sex in the open.

Back in my day, guys talked about sex and girls, but it wasn't in front of other girls, teachers, and parents. It was always with just your buddies, and if girls came around the conversation would stop. Girls on the other hand never talked rudely or even used vulgarity in front of guys. Back than, guys didn't think much of girls who would go around using the "F" word. It surely wasn't attractive to us guys back in those days. I remember girls looking at other girls who did use vulgarity and just roll their eyes at them.

Today's generation talk about sex and use vulgarity in the open as if they're talking about the weather. The amount of rude talk and sex talk in reality shows and in movies doesn't help model proper behavior to our young generation. With easy access to porn on the internet, I'm sure children at a much younger age are being exposed to it.

I think the nonchalant attitude toward rudeness, sex and vulgarity has caused both sexes to create an atmosphere of anything goes. Some young girls overly flaunt their sexuality. Some women today would have been looked upon as hookers back in the day. Today's fashion has promoted low cut tops, extremely short skirts, and the more skin the better.

I may be old fashion, but I think both sexes have created an atmosphere that casual sex is now the norm. Young men no longer see a line drawn in the sand. Young women no longer demand respect, and sometimes participate in rude conversations with the guys!

Society has indeed changed and so has the behavior of both sexes. I fault the sex crazed media and the lack of parents teaching their young boys and girls about respect and morality.

reply to post by Starwise


I think allowing people to have their voices be heard is the most important part of the discussion, because otherwise we sit in silence and silence can hurt us too. It creates distance, misunderstanding and isolation which does nothing to foster a sense of unity and compassion which is needed so badly in this world.

One of the things that being raped often does is make us fearful and afraid to speak up, but unless people speak up no one knows what is going on. Society tends to shove this discussion under the rug cause it reflects poorly on us, but in the process of avoiding the elephant in the room, we end up continuing this problem, instead of trying to solve it.

No one should feel this shame or pain, and I am very happy that people have chosen to speak about it too. As with everything, once we allow those who seek to control us, to take away our voice, we give them our power....this can be applied on any level, such as a nation not speaking out against the policies of govt they disagree with out of fear and intimidation. I promised myself long ago, I wouldn't allow others to define me, or silence me, I think many on ats feel this way.

from a mans perspective...
It's a very contentious subject...mainly because there are many different types of assault. Also there is rarely any hard evidence an assault has taken place, in the case of date rape etc...or cases that are brought years after the allegation is said to have happened.
There is no question it is quite common for ex wives etc to also make up claims like this...and worse.
So you have to be willing to take all factors into account.
Also I find that men and women have extremely poor judgement when it comes to the opposite sex.
Over the years I have seen women hooking up with guys that are clearly dangerous in my eyes... but as we all know lots of women go for "bad boys" and quite often they realize too late, just how bad, the boys they are with, really are. Only recently I was in a club and a syco guy threatened me, whilst his girlfriend looked on and seemed to find it funny...the same guy will turn on her eventually...this is what i mean...just like these people who own viscous pit bulls...You have to take part of the responsibility when you know someone is dangerous to be around.
Then we have cases like current one in the news...
Yes those guys took full advantage of the girl, there is no question. there is also no question they should be thrown in prison. But it may be a bitter pill to swallow for many women, but if the girl was my daughter, she would never have been at a party with a bunch of guys getting wasted in the first place.
Commonsense has to be applied to the whole picture.
In a perfect world women should be able to wear swimming costumes and take shortcuts home at 4am, but if they do they leave themselves open to predators..I dont even take short cuts at 4am because even men are prey for predators...as well know. Once you know we have predators in the world you do your best to avoid being their prey. Just the same mentality if i were camping and knew grizzly bears and rattle snakes were around, i would take precautions and use commonsense. You cannot eliminate all the predators from the world, but you can live smart. If this girl trusted these guys then she had very poor judgement...my guess is that these guys already had a reputation...they were in football team after all, Im sure they had a rep around school and the town as "bad boys".


For the record...I know the prisons are full of men and few women...but Ive known many men and many women...Men who are bad use direct violence...women who are bad, are a lot smarter than that but can do as much damage. I have had women go out of their way to ruin my life and i would have rather been beaten up by a gang of men any day if i had the choice

Originally posted by Starwise
reply to post by MagesticEsoteric

 

Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank YOU! This what I wanted!! Dialogue and the ability for us to stand up proud and unashamed! Knowing others who have experienced this makes a bond.

For others comments thank you too for taking the time to actually read and reply. I felt in my heart and soul that I had to write this because I knew there HAD TO BE more of us! Men and women. Yes my post was mostly about women, but I see that it is not as much a gender issue as much as an act of immorality and an evilness that can manifest in anyone......I love hearing from the men on this issue. Again, thank you.

My heart is so filled with joy right now because people are standing up and making their voices heard!!!

It's not easy to think about, much less talk/write about.

I moved as far away from that place as I could and I haven't really spoken about it to people in my "new life" so, this has all been a little surreal for me. It's as if my past and present lives are somehow colliding.

After reading your post though, I had this urgency to speak up and I'm glad I did. I haven't been running from my past but, it was refreshing to accept that my past molded me into the person I am today.

I've always been ashamed of what happened because I thought it was my fault for putting myself in that situation but, eventually I realized that they were the ones that chose to drug me...they were the ones that chose to do so in order to put me in a state of helplessness. They chose to do what they wanted while I was in that state.

They made those choices and decisions....not me!

reply to post by quietlearner





Women in 'burka's' get raped too....so that doesn't fit in with your theory that only

women wearing revealing garments get raped.


Your saying "Don't be irresponsible and spread the message that it's OK to dress how ever

you want where ever you want" doesn't fit the picture?


A 'burka' can hardly be considered a 'come on'?

Typical male bashing BS. One dude does something wrong, the entire gender is now suspect.

Blah blah blah

as i stated in one of the other stubanville rape case threads part of our problem is that we have a double standard as viable in this thread www.nydailynews.com... 6thish post down we have people wishing that these rapists get raped in jail and that gets me to the point of the double standard that is present in American and other countries that rape is bad horrible....unless your an inmate then you deserve it..... and we wonder why rape is still around and as prevalent as it is in our nation because a good deal of people seem to think that in some cases rape is ok and rape is never OK.

listverse.com... not your standard not how to get raped info....

www.loompanics.com... (sorry for long quote but its a big one to get it in context)

Prison rape. I can guarantee you that those two words are the first thing that popped into your head when you heard you were on the way to the slammer. There is no way to sugarcoat this issue. You may be raped when you go to prison. I am not trying to scare you. It is a serious, real issue. Here are some facts: It is estimated that there are over 300,000 instances of prison rape a year. 196,000 are estimated to happen to men in prison 123,000 are estimated to happen to men in county jail. 40,000 are estimated to be committed against boys in either adult prisons or while in juvenile facilities or lock ups. 5000 women are estimated to be raped in prison. Remember that these are all estimates. Most rapes are not reported. Sexual attacks in prison are considered rape when penetration occurs. It is estimated that inmates are approached with unwanted sexual advances over 80,000 times per day in the United States alone.

80,000 times a day that comes out to way more then 2 every two minutes and this is just inmates (male and female) the fact that we have a society that on average not only condones but sometimes encourages inamtes to be raped as some kind of eye for an eye nonsense is a huge part of our problem.....speaking of institutionalized tolerated rape i bring you to one of the more horrible things that goes on the rape of females and in rarer cases males in the us military

www.guardian.co.uk...

Since the lawsuit became public in February, 400 more have come forward, contacting attorney Susan Burke who is leading the case. These are likely to be future lawsuits. Right now they are anxiously awaiting a court ruling to find out if the lawsuit will go to trial. The defence team for the department of defence has filed a motion to dismiss the case, citing a court ruling, dating back to 1950, which states that the government is not liable for injury sustained by active duty personnel. To date, military personnel have been unable to sue their employer.

so not only do you get raped but you cant even sue them and thats if they even acknolowged the issue instead of sweeping it under the rug

Last year 3,158 sexual crimes were reported within the US military. Of those cases, only 529 reached a court room, and only 104 convictions were made, according to a 2010 report from SAPRO

and that is just the reported ones it seems that up to 19,000 more could be happening
as a female combat solider you are more likely to be harmed by your fellow troopers then be harmed by the enemy and this like prison rape is another horrible example of institutionalized rape(although no where near as encouraged as prison rape is in society)


www.huffingtonpost.com... pretty well written article with statistics but also of note is the commentary section as a long conversation goes on back and forth with additional links and info

thoughtcatalog.com... and one of the better articles i have seen recently by a mother explaining it in a gender nutral way highly recommend this read

www.examiner.com... few extra links forge-forward.org... from a more male centric view but its a 5 page pdf written by Loree cook Daniels

so until we stop excusing any kind of rape we wont stop it,as long as "she was drunk" or "had it coming" are considered excuses we wont change until we stop saying "well i hope he enjoys his prison cellmate bubba" we will not stop rape and until we stop the insanity of even joking about eliminating the other gender and turning them in to sex objects we wont stop rape.and until we stop thinking that rape can stop more rape
you want to stop rape dont play the blame game fight all rape EQUALLY and dont let your anger at horrible actions lead you to lash out at entire genders

Originally posted by smyleegrl
reply to post by MagesticEsoteric

 

Your strength and courage are limitless. You are the very definition of a survivor.

I understand where you've been...i, too, contemplated suicide. I, too, face what happened on a daily basis. I know what its like to hear a sound that triggers a memory and panic attack. And i understand the shame and guilt...the endless cycle of asking why

If you ever want to talk, just message me. Sometimes it helps to vent, especially to a stranger.

You have my upmost respect.

smyleegrl,

I have read your posts and struggles with what happened to you....I have since, always admired you for having the courage and strength to be so open about what happened to you.

You are amazingly brave.

Thanks for the offer of messaging you...the way things have been going with this case and all of the fall out from it...you should expect at least a few.

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric

Originally posted by Starwise
reply to post by MagesticEsoteric

 

Reading your story brought tears to my eyes. Thank YOU! This what I wanted!! Dialogue and the ability for us to stand up proud and unashamed! Knowing others who have experienced this makes a bond.

For others comments thank you too for taking the time to actually read and reply. I felt in my heart and soul that I had to write this because I knew there HAD TO BE more of us! Men and women. Yes my post was mostly about women, but I see that it is not as much a gender issue as much as an act of immorality and an evilness that can manifest in anyone......I love hearing from the men on this issue. Again, thank you.

My heart is so filled with joy right now because people are standing up and making their voices heard!!!

It's not easy to think about, much less talk/write about.

I moved as far away from that place as I could and I haven't really spoken about it to people in my "new life" so, this has all been a little surreal for me. It's as if my past and present lives are somehow colliding.

Yes that also describes me! Today was my coming out to my many friends too. I also suffer from the occasional panic attack, but it has lessened now that I am older. It is surreal isn't it! I am so glad to have *met* you ((hugs))

Originally posted by eletheia
reply to post by quietlearner

 

Women in 'burka's' get raped too....so that doesn't fit in with your theory that only

women wearing revealing garments get raped.


Your saying "Don't be irresponsible and spread the message that it's OK to dress how ever

you want where ever you want" doesn't fit the picture?

A 'burka' can hardly be considered a 'come on'?

I never said that only woman dressed provocatively get raped
so your examples of burkas doesn't really invalidate anything

It is irresponsible to teach young minds a misconception that might put them in harms way

Originally posted by quietlearner

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric

What they did to me was nothing more to them than another sport....no different than lacing up their shoes to hit the court. There was no remorse, no guilt, no empathy.....it was funny to them. Much like the 12 minute video that creep made in the Stuebenville case.

Originally posted by MagesticEsoteric

I hope someday that the people that think rape is okay will open their hearts and minds and realize that it is never okay...Never!

I'm glad you are doing good now and hopefully your story will serve to educate those uneducated ones
I quoted some of your post to discuss about the mental state of rapists
for me, rapists are mentally sick people akin to sociopaths
they lack the remorse or ability to project themselves onto others
many people (some in this thread as well) seem to think most men would commit rape.
This is not true, decent real men will never rape a woman.
Not just because they would "control" the urge but because they would not have the urge to rape at all

Thank you.

I honestly know that not all men are rapists...it's the few that give them all a bad name.

It was a few males friends that came to me and disclosed the things that were done to me and the things that were said as a result of the horrific act.

They genuinely cared about my well being and were disgusted by what happened. There were friendships that were broken over the ordeal because there were some that cared more about doing right than about playing ball.

Not All Men Are Rapists!

As a rape victim, I state this very clearly...We are not accusing all men of being rapists!

reply to post by WeRpeons


Really, you're using the TV, movies, media is at fault for society's problems excuse?