I hate relationships with a passion

So I've been like dating this guy for a little over a year. I let him know up front and right away that I'm in the sexual orientation in the Asexual category, though I'm more of a grey-a when it comes to the stuff. I'm NOT an emotional showing person. I think holding hands is something little kids do, kissing to me is gross cuz of the spittle *gag*, sex is completely out of the question as it's boring, gross, annoying, blah blah, and I really hate myself the next morning for 'being used'. I could be in a ship for years and still feel used and dirty afterward. So I fully cut sex out of my life 11 years ago. Have not missed it. I get my turn ons and relief I need from fantacizing about hot guys in movies and video games. Yes, trademark Asexual traits. The ONLY reason I am not fully 100% ace is because I still can look at hot guys and gals in reality and think of all the things I'd not mind doing to em or having em do to me - but the moment any of em want to show an interest, I back off fast and make it so they're not interested. THAT is why I fall more into the grey-a category. It's very rare, not many human beings fall into the Ace categories/spectrum. I sadly am one of them.

I'm almost 40. He's almost 57. He's fine with the no sex aspect (and believe me, he is a rare gentleman who doesn't cheat, etc etc). That's a huge reason why I don't really get into relationships or date: everyone wants to cheat or you end up being hurt with a broken heart. Or feeling used etc.

I tried for over a year and some months to give him emotion like he wants and craves. And I know he needs and deserves it. When I hug him, he complains it's more like a 'friend' hug - I really don't know what he's talking about. He says we don't talk enough, but there really isn't anything TO talk about. All he talks about is medical issues, how this is hurting, how that is getting worse, how this is going on, blood pressure, lungs, heart, this that the other. Typical old people talk in other words. Every old person I know over like 55 only talks about medical stuff and being tired and how life used to be. I am NOT looking forward to getting that way myself

Anyway, we have little in common. even his fam noticed in the last 3 years he's gone from happy and awesome to a drag; constantly bitching, depressed etc.

Though we've only been together for a year and some months (I don't keep track of that stuff, I know we started seeing each other before thanksgiving or xmas in 2011), I'm now feeling worse about myself that I feel I somehow made him that way. I try hard to remember to hug him because that's just now how I roll, I don't think of things like that........ and all the time I DO say 'love ya' or 'love you'. We just have so little in common aside from camping and hiking. I'm into gaming and paranormal investigations, hard brutal metal, roleplaying characters on various roleplaying sites, and being on the pc, etc. He hates the pc, hates games, hates ... well everything I like :/

He claims I never call him but I do at least once a day or once every other day to see how he is or to talk. Hell he lives 3 blocks away for pete's sake. I don't have a car but our work schedules overlap sometimes or we work different shifts.

I dunno. I just don't know how to be a girlfriend I guess. Course last night he was so upset, he dogged my son big time and THAT pissed me off to no end. Say all you want about me, I know I'm a poor excuse for a human and should be out doing everyone in the world I suppose, but NEVER dog my son. EVER. That is unforgivable.

I'm the reason apparently that he's depressed and started drinking again. Well, this taught me finally to never ever ever date anyone again. Ever. I don't need a special person in my life cuz I'm too broken to have anyone. I don't mind really. Long as movies and games keep coming out with hot actors/characters, I'll be more than happy with myself.

I'm sorry I'm not good enough even after explaining from day one how I am. I suppose I can force myself to get into the habit of daily huggles; though now I'm unsure if how I hug people is right. Accourding to him, I hug like a friend. I see on tv and movies how people hug and it's a quick hug with one arm. How do you hug people correctly then? If I've been hugging people wrong my whole life, well...... I'm at a loss then.

reply to post by sarra1833


I'm 62. Never even crosses my mind to mention health issues to people when talking with them. I still find life pretty damn exciting for the most part. So. don't think everyone over 55 is a dud. You really do have a lot to look forward to, it's all your perspective that sets the reality of what you get.

You don't have a relationship with the Gentleman you speak of. You should let him go, to find what he needs to make him feel good, and happy. To keep him tethered to you, is selfish on your part. JMOHO...

Des

You and me both love .
Got divorced last year and I was supposed to have a date on Friday (Known her a long time) but her best mate rang me and said she will only go out with me If I have shaved my facial hair off....told her to bugger off then.
So sod it I like yourself don't want to bother now.
BTW what is dogged? in the aspect he dogged your son?
Anyhow apart from your BF problems I hope you are doing ok

reply to post by sarra1833


so you guys both definitely have issues, of which im going to comment on,

but i will say this. if your into hot movie characters and game characters i suggest you try ur hand at cos-play

and check out the multiple comic con conventions around the world(were ever you maybe at)

i myself have never done cosplay or even been to a comic con convention. although i have looked into it and the convention it self looks like a nerd fest so i would fit right in and i would look pretty sick in a jedi robe

but if it is anything like the hippiefests that flood my area every summer its a great place to go hang with like minded people have some fun and probly never see those people again, and if you do your relationship is based a a few days of good times once a year.

reply to post by DocHolidaze


Most cosplayers are 16-20

I'm 40. I'd be one of 'those' people if I went to one. Despite looking in my early 20's and getting along more with people in their 20's since we have the world in common, I'd be like that 40 year old brother who is hanging with his 17yo brothers friends at parties. Seriously.

well, shouldn't say 'brother' cuz i'm female but it paints a better picture. :/

reply to post by sarra1833


Seriously, not to be mean but you need to see a shrink. Just being honest. Your damaged goods from any normal persons perspective by a huge margin.

reply to post by boymonkey74


Dogged meaning he said my son is a creepy freak etc. That the entire town talks smack about him and hates him and my bf "can't stand that that is my girlfriends son."

My son is a loner and is very scared of people, can't stand kids his age or kids period. He's more like a 50 year old stuck in a just turned 18 yo's body really.

reply to post by Patriotsrevenge


In regards to which? How to be a better girlfriend? I'd not mind learning. As long as sex and the other aspects don't have to come into play. I can not help my orientation any more than a straight, bi, gay or any other orientation person can.

reply to post by sarra1833


You have not had sex in 11 years? Did I read that correctly?

Originally posted by sarra1833
reply to post by boymonkey74

 

Dogged meaning he said my son is a creepy freak etc. That the entire town talks smack about him and hates him and my bf "can't stand that that is my girlfriends son."

My son is a loner and is very scared of people, can't stand kids his age or kids period. He's more like a 50 year old stuck in a just turned 18 yo's body really.

Probably because he learned all that from you. Go get yourself and your family some help.

Originally posted by Patriotsrevenge
reply to post by sarra1833

 

Seriously, not to be mean but you need to see a shrink. Just being honest. Your damaged goods from any normal persons perspective by a huge margin.

edit on 13-1-2013 by Patriotsrevenge because: (no reason given)

I replied above to you but quoted this so you knew it was for you. I have a feeling you're referring to asexuality:

here are some faq's and other info about this. I believe 9% of the world is this orientation.

www.asexuality.org...

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by sarra1833

 

You have not had sex in 11 years? Did I read that correctly?

Yes. I don't miss it what so ever. It's not needed in my life.

www.asexuality.org...

Originally posted by sarra1833

I'm sorry I'm not good enough even after explaining from day one how I am. I suppose I can force myself to get into the habit of daily huggles; though now I'm unsure if how I hug people is right. Accourding to him, I hug like a friend. I see on tv and movies how people hug and it's a quick hug with one arm. How do you hug people correctly then? If I've been hugging people wrong my whole life, well...... I'm at a loss then.

Lol... Hugging with one arm? YOU GOTTA GET YOUR WHOLE SOUL INTO IT MA'AM!

I'm not going to touch on the other subjects put forward in your thread, but I will say something about hugging.

When it's a daily hug, make it count. Don't look towards the daily hug as a chore. If you are shorter than your man, make sure BOTH your arms are underneath his arms. OR, you can have one arm underneath his one shoulder and the other arm over the other shoulder. Embrace the person in the hug. Put some MMPH into it Don't just hold him there; think as if your soul wants to bond with his soul for a momentary time, as if you want to put white back on rice

Originally posted by sarra1833

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by sarra1833

 

You have not had sex in 11 years? Did I read that correctly?

Yes. I don't miss it what so ever. It's not needed in my life.

www.asexuality.org...

If you relieve yourself.... its needed.

My thoughts are you may need to take time to read self help books, for you and your son. Why? Your day to day life does not sound healthy for you and your family.

If you feel grossed out and dirty from sex then a question arises.... have you ever been molested and or raped? For those who have it sometimes carries over to feelings of shame after a sexual encounter.

My heart goes out to you.... and your family.

Originally posted by Destinyone
reply to post by sarra1833

 

I'm 62. Never even crosses my mind to mention health issues to people when talking with them. I still find life pretty damn exciting for the most part. So. don't think everyone over 55 is a dud. You really do have a lot to look forward to, it's all your perspective that sets the reality of what you get.

You don't have a relationship with the Gentleman you speak of. You should let him go, to find what he needs to make him feel good, and happy. To keep him tethered to you, is selfish on your part. JMOHO...

Des

Des

reply to post by sarra1833


you would be completely wrong with that assumption, comic cons definitely has a youngness to it from my research, but comics have been around since before you and i were born and you will find people of ur age group if that is what u desire, other wise you will find a good time with people that are into video games, movies and comics

please dont write it off so easily

Originally posted by MamaJ

Originally posted by sarra1833

Originally posted by MamaJ
reply to post by sarra1833

 

You have not had sex in 11 years? Did I read that correctly?

Yes. I don't miss it what so ever. It's not needed in my life.

www.asexuality.org...

If you relieve yourself.... its needed.

My thoughts are you may need to take time to read self help books, for you and your son. Why? Your day to day life does not sound healthy for you and your family.

If you feel grossed out and dirty from sex then a question arises.... have you ever been molested and or raped? For those who have it sometimes carries over to feelings of shame after a sexual encounter.

My heart goes out to you.... and your family.

relief is needed of course. That's only human. Pretty much all ace's relieve themselves. It's a common misconception that aces don't even masturbate. Of /course/ we do. But we do not feel a need ever to be intimate with another person. We bond by talking, some by cuddling, some by going out and doing things they have in common. Sex just isn't there. It's akin I suppose to how a straight person views someone of the same sex. There is no desire to be sexually intimate.

Of all the orientations, I had to get the rarest one.

And since losing my virginity at age 19, I have had zero feelings toward sex. Zero pleasure, zero enjoyment, always felt it was boring, dull, pointless, the noises and faces partner would make would be a cross between embarassing to me for them, to outright hysterical, I could go on. I had had sex with past boyfriends out of 'duty' because 'thats what people do' and all the time I felt broken. Well, soon as I found that asexual site I've linked on here a few times, I realized I am not broken, never was. I'm normal as I can get, just in a rarity form. There are others like me out there and that gave me hope. I cried in happiness the first time I found that site and read up and could say, "Oh my god, this is ME. I'm not alone, I'm fine. There are others just like me."

No, I was never molested at all. The most sexual 'bad' that happened growing up under the parents roof was that I was raised to not have sex until I was married and if I ever did have sex while I was high school and got pregnant, I'd be kicked out. So that's the only negative in that aspect. I was raped when I was 24, but had even found sex to be pointless FAR before that ever happened. I was raped because I had told my friend I thought the neighbor guy was hot. Word got back to him and well, he was hot so he took what he wanted.

But no, one can not 'cure' asexuality just as one can not 'cure' homosexuality, bisexuality or heterosexuality. It is as it is. I'm just grateful to have a name for this and know I'm NOT broken or alone.

Originally posted by DocHolidaze
reply to post by sarra1833

 

you would be completely wrong with that assumption, comic cons definitely has a youngness to it from my research, but comics have been around since before you and i were born and you will find people of ur age group if that is what u desire, other wise you will find a good time with people that are into video games, movies and comics

please dont write it off so easily

That actually made me smile! Thanks. All the people I know who go to various cons complain cuz they're 19 or 20 and the oldest cosplayers there. I'm talking Ohiocon, Matsuricon, etc etc etc. Those are USA cons. I think I'm more thinking of cosplayers than those who attend comic conventions. You are talking about comic conventions, right?

Originally posted by DelayedChristmas

Originally posted by sarra1833

I'm sorry I'm not good enough even after explaining from day one how I am. I suppose I can force myself to get into the habit of daily huggles; though now I'm unsure if how I hug people is right. Accourding to him, I hug like a friend. I see on tv and movies how people hug and it's a quick hug with one arm. How do you hug people correctly then? If I've been hugging people wrong my whole life, well...... I'm at a loss then.

Lol... Hugging with one arm? YOU GOTTA GET YOUR WHOLE SOUL INTO IT MA'AM!

I'm not going to touch on the other subjects put forward in your thread, but I will say something about hugging.

When it's a daily hug, make it count. Don't look towards the daily hug as a chore. If you are shorter than your man, make sure BOTH your arms are underneath his arms. OR, you can have one arm underneath his one shoulder and the other arm over the other shoulder. Embrace the person in the hug. Put some MMPH into it

Don't just hold him there; think as if your soul wants to bond with his soul for a momentary time, as if you want to put white back on rice

edit on 13-1-2013 by DelayedChristmas because: (no reason given)

I shall give that a try! Thanks. I like how you worded that. It makes a lot of sense.

After reading your OP, and your posts in this thread, I'm not going to condemn you, or pat you on the back either. It's your life, and your son, do what you will. My agreement or disagreement isn't going to change your mind, or your heart.

But I will say, if you hate relationships, stop having them. Get rid of this bozo, and his guilt trip, and move on. If he knew how you were beforehand, then he has no room to complain. Did he think he was going to change you? Have friendships, and leave it at that.

I wish you the best Sarra, but I have a strong gut feeling you are in for a big surprise down the road a little.