I had just posted my OP to vent as we're allowed to vent.
Anyway, had a long talk with the boyfriend and he's a gem. I let him know that I was scared to hug too tightly or kiss because in relationships in the
past (romantic ones lasting 2 years, 5 years, 4 years, etc) hugs and kisses always led to sex. And back then I would just have sex with my boyfriends
because that was what people were to do.
Once he realized my fears and such, he assured me he respects who I am and would never let it amount to doing anything I didn't wish to do. That
actually took a ton load off my back and I literally felt my soul smiling. I give him full long hugs now, hold his hand and do kiss him. He is
definitely one of a kind. We do not live together, by the way. We WERE roommates from 05 to 08 and then got our own places once we both had moved to
southern Illinois; him in 09 and my son and I in '10.
And yes, I always hug my son tightly. Daily. Tell him I love him, and that I'm so glad he's in my life. That boy has never not known hugging. "How
were you unable to hug your boyfriend then???" Easy: there is 'nothing that can happen' from hugging ones son. He merely dislikes people because he
doesn't agree with all the violence, how teens are so fast to drink and use drugs and want to fit in via clothing, hair, mainstream music, etc. I
raised my son with values; to give respect, to have manners, to never treat another human as crap unless they gave darned strong valid reasons NOT to,
My fears of intimacy and emotion definitely didn't cross over to my son. He has been in a long relationship with his girlfriend - though neither have
done the deed yet as they both wish to wait for marriage (which is a commendable thing to me yet a shock as I never really raised him in such strict
'Christian like' ideals). But this isn't about him, is it? Nope.
I'm definitely happier now than I was a few days back when I posted my rant/vent here. And since someone asked, I'll answer: no, I get zero feeling
from any sex. I am virtually numb inside. I get no feelings from it period. I believe that means I have no 'sexdrive' what so ever - except the times
I take care of my own needs of course - but I never feel the need to dive into the sack and get that inner itch sated. I have no inner itch that can
be sated. I hate it. I hate it beyond hate - and I never like to use the word 'hate'. Usually 99% of the time it is 'dislike'. But this I hate. Hate
hate hate. I wish I was normal. I watch movies (not porns cuz those are SO fake) where the couples get it on and the gal is SO in bliss and screaming
out pleasures and so on, and I know I'll NEVER have that ever. Not once. when I have had sex, it was a mockery and spit in my face that no matter who
it was, I got nothing out of it. So yeah, that hurts so badly knowing I'll NEVER feel what 'normal' people do. And i have been deeply in love a few
times. Where they were my life, my heart beat for them, to the rhythm of their name. And still nothing when we'd sleep together. Nothing.
I know my boyfriend hasn't been with anyone in about seven years. Well, 8 now really. And to be honest, he never slept with anyone since his wife
cheated on him and they divorced around 93. He's not the kind who believes in 'getting laid just because of that inner itch.' Even his brothers and
sister know he's never been the kind to jump in bed just because. He has to be in a good decent long term 'ship before that even would begin to
happen. So yeah, I know I can trust him fully to not sleep with anyone else. When he says he's happy with hugs, kisses and such, the man is not lying
nor covering up any truth. Not all men feel the need to 'get it somewhere else'. They are rare indeed but I got lucky to have met him back in 05. his
actions this entire time sure speak louder than any words.
We found our medium/middle and we're happy with it.
I just wanted to post a post-rant reply here since there was tons of replies to this. Kinda
shocked me to be honest. I wasn't expecting this. How a mere rant can cause such replies to come forward, man. wow.
edit on 19-1-2013 by
sarra1833 because: (no reason given)