reply to post by sarra1833
You remind me of my wife, although you seem to be a much more extreme case.
My wife and I were friends for 6 years and have had an intimate relationship for 8 years. When we became intimate (after I left my ex-wife), we had
sex regularly, but there was something very confusing about it. I never really knew if she enjoyed it or not, partly because she never took the
initiative. I have had plenty of long-term relationships, and never experienced what I experienced with my current wife. Every single one of my
ex-partners was passionate about sex, just like I am. I'm the type of man that needs to feel an intimate connection in order to have sex, and I have
to respect my partner, or I will just not be turned on. I even tested this once and paid for sex. Result: no sex.
The other main difference between my current wife and all my ex-partners is that she was very emotionally detached. You could never really know what
she was feeling. I actually found this very attractive, in the way that she has remained a 'challenge' to figure out and get to know. In all my
previous relationships, after 2 or 3 years, I would get bored and begin to feel the need for new excitement. Now, for the first time, I have no
problem at all remaining sexually true. It also helps that my wife is truly a stunning woman. Imagine a mix between Penelope Cruz and Angelina Joly,
that type of stunning.
During the first year of our relationship, I didn't have a clue as to what the problem was. I thought about everything you could imagine: sexual
abuse in her past, she's gay but not willing to admit it to herself, she's a control freak and uses sex for power, she's a psychopath and does not
experience emotion, etc. The only thing that became clear was that she didn't realize that she had a problem. On top of that, she is a clinical
psychologist who specializes in children. Needless to say, we had a lot of conflicts. During these conflicts, I was the only one who would show my
anger. She would just freeze up and pretty much disassociate, while her eyes would become dark, and I would feel genuine fear. My patience was pushed
to the limit, but something kept me in the relationship. I knew there was a lot more to her than she was showing me. Eventually, after about 2 years,
we went into relationship counseling. That's when things became crystal clear.
During her first year, as a baby, her mother got cancer of the womb, and was hospitalized for over a year, with long periods in a quarantined room...
Because of her mother's cancer, my wife remained an only child. So for much of her first 2 years, she was raised by her father. On top of that,
neither her mother nor her father are the type to show their emotions, to the degree that they will ignore any emotional conflict. They are in their
early sixties now, and have been sleeping in separate rooms for 15 years... This has taken its toll mostly on her father in the sense that he just
sort of gave up on his manliness. Her mother acts like there isn't a problem in the world. And no, I do not get along with my mother in law. It is
very hard to respect her. Her father, well I just feel sorry for him and wish he would 'man up'.
Anyways, after about 6 months of counseling, it became clear that I was wasting my time in my personal sessions, and our therapist suggested working
only with my wife for a while. She has been seeing her ever since once a month, so that would be almost 6 years now. In the mean time, we have 2
children together. She has evolved a lot. Much of this has been through her therapy, but our children definitely have a huge role in this. There is no
escaping her feelings when it comes to our children, I make damn sure of that. She can show her anger, she can cry, and she can show her enjoyment
during sex. She will even take the initiative from time to time. She will also come and talk to me when she is feeling down. Though it is very
difficult for her to explain what she is feeling. She will say things like "I feel a horrible feeling in my stomach, but I don't know what it is."
I will comfort her and leave it at that until a day later. Then I will ask her if she has put more thought into what she might have felt the day
before, and she will give some more details. She might mention loneliness, or fear, for example.
I don't know you, Sarra, but from your OP and your other posts in this thread, I have absolutely no doubt that your issues have nothing to do with
sexual orientation. You are emotionally detached. This is obvious from how you write. When another member points out your possible faults, you reply
in an extremely rational way. The remarks don't seem to affect you in any way at all. Your subconscious is protecting you from feeling any pain,
because you are not able to deal with it. It is much easier for you to accept that you are asexual.