posted on Jan, 13 2013 @ 01:05 PM
So I've been like dating this guy for a little over a year. I let him know up front and right away that I'm in the sexual orientation in the Asexual
category, though I'm more of a grey-a when it comes to the stuff. I'm NOT an emotional showing person. I think holding hands is something little
kids do, kissing to me is gross cuz of the spittle *gag*, sex is completely out of the question as it's boring, gross, annoying, blah blah, and I
really hate myself the next morning for 'being used'. I could be in a ship for years and still feel used and dirty afterward. So I fully cut sex out
of my life 11 years ago. Have not missed it. I get my turn ons and relief I need from fantacizing about hot guys in movies and video games. Yes,
trademark Asexual traits. The ONLY reason I am not fully 100% ace is because I still can look at hot guys and gals in reality and think of all the
things I'd not mind doing to em or having em do to me - but the moment any of em want to show an interest, I back off fast and make it so they're
not interested. THAT is why I fall more into the grey-a category. It's very rare, not many human beings fall into the Ace categories/spectrum. I
sadly am one of them.
I'm almost 40. He's almost 57. He's fine with the no sex aspect (and believe me, he is a rare gentleman who doesn't cheat, etc etc). That's a
huge reason why I don't really get into relationships or date: everyone wants to cheat or you end up being hurt with a broken heart. Or feeling used
I tried for over a year and some months to give him emotion like he wants and craves. And I know he needs and deserves it. When I hug him, he
complains it's more like a 'friend' hug - I really don't know what he's talking about. He says we don't talk enough, but there really isn't
anything TO talk about. All he talks about is medical issues, how this is hurting, how that is getting worse, how this is going on, blood pressure,
lungs, heart, this that the other. Typical old people talk in other words. Every old person I know over like 55 only talks about medical stuff and
being tired and how life used to be. I am NOT looking forward to getting that way myself
Anyway, we have little in common. even his fam noticed in the last 3 years he's gone from happy and awesome to a drag; constantly bitching, depressed
Though we've only been together for a year and some months (I don't keep track of that stuff, I know we started seeing each other before
thanksgiving or xmas in 2011), I'm now feeling worse about myself that I feel I somehow made him that way. I try hard to remember to hug him because
that's just now how I roll, I don't think of things like that........ and all the time I DO say 'love ya' or 'love you'. We just have so little
in common aside from camping and hiking. I'm into gaming and paranormal investigations, hard brutal metal, roleplaying characters on various
roleplaying sites, and being on the pc, etc. He hates the pc, hates games, hates ... well everything I like :/
He claims I never call him but I do at least once a day or once every other day to see how he is or to talk. Hell he lives 3 blocks away for pete's
sake. I don't have a car but our work schedules overlap sometimes or we work different shifts.
I dunno. I just don't know how to be a girlfriend I guess. Course last night he was so upset, he dogged my son big time and THAT pissed me off to no
end. Say all you want about me, I know I'm a poor excuse for a human and should be out doing everyone in the world I suppose, but NEVER dog my son.
EVER. That is unforgivable.
I'm the reason apparently that he's depressed and started drinking again. Well, this taught me finally to never ever ever date anyone again. Ever. I
don't need a special person in my life cuz I'm too broken to have anyone. I don't mind really. Long as movies and games keep coming out with hot
actors/characters, I'll be more than happy with myself.
I'm sorry I'm not good enough even after explaining from day one how I am. I suppose I can force myself to get into the habit of daily huggles;
though now I'm unsure if how I hug people is right. Accourding to him, I hug like a friend. I see on tv and movies how people hug and it's a quick
hug with one arm. How do you hug people correctly then? If I've been hugging people wrong my whole life, well...... I'm at a loss then.