My boyfriend is not trying hard enough.

reply to post by KarensHoliday

He can be very sweet and has a good heart, but....Is my BF a loser?

By your standards yes.
You need to sit him down and explain to him that he is not making enough money to justify your love.
I must ask, are you in financial trouble?
Do you have a roof over your head?
If you are not in financial trouble then you come across as very entitled and greedy from an outside perspective.
If you are then of course you have warrant for concern and instead of piling it all on him perhaps look into a part time job for yourself to help make ends meet.
Also, if you don't know where he goes at night and cannot trust him then you need to reevaluate your relationship.
Trust is the basic foundation of any serious relationship.

Originally posted by corvuscorrax

Originally posted by Destinyone

Originally posted by purplemer

Originally posted by veranda
i can say confidently from the information you've provided, from my experience (unfortunately!) that yes, he is a loser. and i dont think you should put up with it. there are plenty of guys who are kind with good hearts who are financially stable....i dated a guy like yours for two years...i hope in the future you don't regret it like i did :/

wow just becuase he has been out of work for a while does not make him a looser. Really what is the big deal if things are split 50/50 or 40/60. If you are with someone that means your world to you... Enjoy your journey and adventure together.. There are things far more valuable in life than money....

Yes...like a roof over your head. Food on the table. Bills being paid for utility services. These things are just as important as, you call it, *the adventure*. More so, really.

If the OP keeps having to dig deeper in her own pocket to keep them both afloat, with his not even looking for a way to bring his share in, she may even lose those things. That would be quite an adventure wouldn't it. The adventure of being homeless.....

Des

Man with attitudes like this I wonder how the world would be if the power went out the cars stopped running the phones stop ringing and your home becomes a glorified tinderbox.

But hey at least your significant other has job experience in accounting!

I'm 62 years old. retired, own my own home. Not a fancy place, my little cabin in the woods on top of the mountain. I'm ready for society to take a crap, and survive it I will, just fine sweetie. But, the OP is a young girl with a long haul in front of her. She might as well not be stuck in the position of dragging a lazy arsed albatross with her, if she has a choice.

It sounds like you think any male who finds himself with a sugar momma, should sit back and enjoy the ride.

Des

reply to post by Destinyone

It sounds like you think any male who finds himself with a sugar momma, should sit back and enjoy the ride.

I take it you've had experience in this field.
I think what he's trying to say is there's more to love than money and if two people truly love each other they would be happy even if they lived broke under a bridge.
There is more to love than money.
Believe it or not people still love each other unconditionally.

Originally posted by thatonedude
reply to post by Destinyone

 

It sounds like you think any male who finds himself with a sugar momma, should sit back and enjoy the ride.

I take it you've had experience in this field.
I think what he's trying to say is there's more to love than money and if two people truly love each other they would be happy even if they lived broke under a bridge.
There is more to love than money.
Believe it or not people still love each other unconditionally.

I understand what you are saying. But, if you have a *choice* to live in a home instead of under a bridge, which do you think is the smarter one to do.

What we are discussing is the OP wondering if her BF is lazy, and not appreciating her. Not unconditional love.

If letting a lazy BF drain you dry financially so you both end up under a bridge, do you think he'll actually stay there with her...or, move onto the next Woman with enough money to support his selfish lifestyle......think about it.

He still sucking off his bio-mom's purse.....and now his Girl Friends too..

Des

reply to post by Destinyone

What we are discussing is the OP wondering if her BF is lazy, and not appreciating her. Not unconditional love.

These things go hand in hand.
I don't think her boyfriend is lazy but I do feel his priorities are awry.
If someone loves someone unconditionally would they not make things work on any budget?
My point is the relationship seems doomed and not from financial burden but entitlement on the girl friends part.
Of course if they're in financial trouble my sentiment would change.

ETA-

If letting a lazy BF drain you dry financially so you both end up under a bridge, do you think he'll actually stay there with her...or, move onto the next Woman with enough money to support his selfish lifestyle......think about it.

I believe the OP stated that their income was provided by him which renders your point moot.

Originally posted by thatonedude
reply to post by Destinyone

 

What we are discussing is the OP wondering if her BF is lazy, and not appreciating her. Not unconditional love.

These things go hand in hand.
I don't think her boyfriend is lazy but I do feel his priorities are awry.
If someone loves someone unconditionally would they not make things work on any budget?
My point is the relationship seems doomed and not from financial burden but entitlement on the girl friends part.
Of course if they're in financial trouble my sentiment would change.

ETA-

If letting a lazy BF drain you dry financially so you both end up under a bridge, do you think he'll actually stay there with her...or, move onto the next Woman with enough money to support his selfish lifestyle......think about it.

I believe the OP stated that their income was provided by him which renders your point moot.

edit on 1-10-2012 by thatonedude because: (no reason given)

Nope, their income is not solely provided by him. This from the OP's first post in this thread.

"
****He got some severance pay from his last job and he seems content to rely on this and government help plus some savings and maybe handouts from his parents. I'm not sure. ****We live together and split the expenses.**** He still manages to put up his half for rent ***but lately he's been "borrowing" more and more from me***and getting me to pay for little extras. We never go out to dinner or real dates anymore but somehow he has enough cash to do whatever it is he does when he goes out with his buddies. And for beer and smokes of course.****

Des

reply to post by KarensHoliday


I wouldn't say he is a loser just not motivated idk how he can do it though i hate having to rely on people i never ask for handouts.Maybe he just needs that extra motivation to get up and start looking for a job granted the market is liitle hard lately but there is still jobs open if i were in your shoes i be a little more pushy get the want adds put them in front of him tell him he needs to make a effort atleast bc if my spouse was like that i wouldn't be putting up with that for very long thats the kind of attitude you get from someone in high school. Well good luck with whatever you choose to do.

reply to post by Destinyone

Nope, their income is not solely provided by him. This from the OP's first post in this thread.

Allow me to apologize for overlooking that des.
You have presented a fine argument and I applaud that.
You have valid points as do I and seem to not carry an emotional agenda on this subject.
Respect to you for looking at this subject from both sides.

ETA- Perhaps my greatest flaw as a poster is my eagerness to post my opinion without reading the entire thread.
I seemed to have fallen prey to that shortcoming in this thread.
A lesson lived is a lesson learned.

Originally posted by thatonedude
reply to post by Destinyone

 

Nope, their income is not solely provided by him. This from the OP's first post in this thread.

Allow me to apologize for overlooking that des.
You have presented a fine argument and I applaud that.
You have valid points as do I and seem to not carry an emotional agenda on this subject.
Respect to you for looking at this subject from both sides.

ETA- Perhaps my greatest flaw as a poster is my eagerness to post my opinion without reading the entire thread.
I seemed to have fallen prey to that shortcoming in this thread.
A lesson lived is a lesson learned.

edit on 1-10-2012 by thatonedude because: (no reason given)

No apology necessary, my Friend. I too, have enjoyed our discourse on this subject. We do think alike in many ways.

You have valid points in this exchange of ideas and philosophies. I've learned from you too.

Thank You for an intelligent, and interesting conversation....

Des

Thanks again for the input, ATS. Even the "harsh" ones.

Some asked for a little more info...I understand its hard to give advice without knowing the context. Without giving too much away he was in his old job for about 3 years, which was I guess what you would call an "office job" at a real-estate-related company. It was not such a fantastic job or wage but it was pretty good I guess for his age (mid-20s) and as far as I can tell he did his job responsibly. He lost his job because the company itself went out of business. I'm a few years younger than him and I work an "office job" too; I earn a little less than what he did before but about the same ballpark. I don't think its good to give out too much personal info on the web so that's about all I have to say along those lines.

I don't expect him to pay for me but I do expect him to pull his weight. Some people seem to suggest its his life and his responsibility and I shouldn't care about the money so much but what if things get more serious and we have a baby in the future? I want a man who is responsible enough to provide for his family or at least try. Like I said in the earlier post, what bothers me most is the lack of effort rather than the results. We live together and have been dating more than 2 years now so I don't think its unrealistic to start thinking of the future.

Well I know its tough out there but I worry that its a kind of "use it or lose it" thing, that if you don't keep your discipline up and keep struggling you will lose all hope. I wish I could motivate him a little more.

I think about it all the time... And I'm convinced. I would love people that put labels on other people to dissapear from this planet.

Originally posted by KarensHoliday
Thanks again for the input, ATS. Even the "harsh" ones.

Some asked for a little more info...I understand its hard to give advice without knowing the context. Without giving too much away he was in his old job for about 3 years, which was I guess what you would call an "office job" at a real-estate-related company. It was not such a fantastic job or wage but it was pretty good I guess for his age (mid-20s) and as far as I can tell he did his job responsibly. He lost his job because the company itself went out of business. I'm a few years younger than him and I work an "office job" too; I earn a little less than what he did before but about the same ballpark. I don't think its good to give out too much personal info on the web so that's about all I have to say along those lines.

I don't expect him to pay for me but I do expect him to pull his weight. Some people seem to suggest its his life and his responsibility and I shouldn't care about the money so much but what if things get more serious and we have a baby in the future? I want a man who is responsible enough to provide for his family or at least try. Like I said in the earlier post, what bothers me most is the lack of effort rather than the results. We live together and have been dating more than 2 years now so I don't think its unrealistic to start thinking of the future.

Well I know its tough out there but I worry that its a kind of "use it or lose it" thing, that if you don't keep your discipline up and keep struggling you will lose all hope. I wish I could motivate him a little more.

Allow me to put in my two cents.

I was married to a man who sounds just like your boyfriend. Needless to say, it didn't work although it took 12 years for me to get myself out of that. We married when I was 21 and a junior in college, he was 24. We had no children for several years and as long as the bills were paid it wasn't an issue. Even though it seemed like he was always out of work, he never had trouble finding a new job.

Once I finished school, I made a lot more money than he did. I landed a good job before I even finished. That's when the trouble started. I had a miscarriage and that's when I really started to grow up, wise up, and realize that our approaches to money and priorities just didn't mesh at all. It got worse after our first child was born.

When I was pregnant, he traded in the car we'd only made 8 payments on for one that we couldn't afford. And he couldn't do it on his credit. He had to do it on mine. Back then, there was no such thing as a credit score and you never saw a report. They just said yes or no. He did it without me even knowing about it and came home with this car. I told him to take it back and get the old one back, but it was too late.

He lost his job a few months after she was born and never even tried to find another one. His mother babysat because even though he was home, he'd never get out of bed. Yet he thought he could still go golfing every day when he finally rolled out of bed, go out and party and spend time with his buddies on MY money while I was working all day and then stuck at home all night. He never helped around the house. When we moved from our first apartment into our house, he had no idea which washer and dryer were ours. In 5 years he'd never done a load of laundry.

You start to resent it after awhile because you feel you're doing all the work--and you are.

You need to sit down and have a really long talk with him. Even true love evaporates when you feel like he's not pulling his weight. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes it a lot easier. If you're not on the same page in the finances department, it's never going to work and you should get out now.

Originally posted by Destinyone

Originally posted by corvuscorrax

Originally posted by Destinyone

Originally posted by purplemer

Originally posted by veranda
i can say confidently from the information you've provided, from my experience (unfortunately!) that yes, he is a loser. and i dont think you should put up with it. there are plenty of guys who are kind with good hearts who are financially stable....i dated a guy like yours for two years...i hope in the future you don't regret it like i did :/

wow just becuase he has been out of work for a while does not make him a looser. Really what is the big deal if things are split 50/50 or 40/60. If you are with someone that means your world to you... Enjoy your journey and adventure together.. There are things far more valuable in life than money....

Yes...like a roof over your head. Food on the table. Bills being paid for utility services. These things are just as important as, you call it, *the adventure*. More so, really.

If the OP keeps having to dig deeper in her own pocket to keep them both afloat, with his not even looking for a way to bring his share in, she may even lose those things. That would be quite an adventure wouldn't it. The adventure of being homeless.....

Des

Man with attitudes like this I wonder how the world would be if the power went out the cars stopped running the phones stop ringing and your home becomes a glorified tinderbox.

But hey at least your significant other has job experience in accounting!

I'm 62 years old. retired, own my own home. Not a fancy place, my little cabin in the woods on top of the mountain. I'm ready for society to take a crap, and survive it I will, just fine sweetie. But, the OP is a young girl with a long haul in front of her. She might as well not be stuck in the position of dragging a lazy arsed albatross with her, if she has a choice.

It sounds like you think any male who finds himself with a sugar momma, should sit back and enjoy the ride.

Des

edit on 1-10-2012 by Destinyone because: (no reason given)

I actually think they're both stupid, her for staying in a relationship that isn't meeting her standars.

Him for staying in a relationship when he cannot support himself.

reply to post by KarensHoliday


Unless you are living together and there is no way you can afford to live on your own/ haven't saved enough to securely move out (cos of his borrowing) then I suggest get the hell out!
You dont have to break up but moving out and away from his situation means you wont get dragged down with him.
It's very selfish of him to expect you to put up with this lazy attitude.
But it's all conditional of course, I dont know the full stroy.
Would he support you in a similar situation reversed? Or is that a stupid question cos even if you were in that situation he wouldnt be able to support you if he tried?

Things to ponder, my take is - yes, pretty loserish, but my Boyf is in a similar boat and I havent taken my own medicine so to speak =P

wag

reply to post by KarensHoliday


First you have to decide what you want. If your here asking for advice it means you are already on the verge of moving on if you haven't really already decided that. You have to understand that first and foremost. Once you internally make that decision you have already reached a point where nothing he does will be enough. Second you have to understand the male ego is a fairly fragile thing. Losing their job will have a profound impact on how they view themselves even if it was something they knew they could not avoid. The only thing as devastating is being rejected by the woman they are with.

With the job market being what it is right now, finding a job is going to be a long drawn out process. With him having been in real estate even more so. It also fuels that downward spiral lost job, followed by not able to find a new one it just magnifies that loss. So eventually you reach the point where he hasn't lost everything at home and is becoming more comfortable. It is hard to pull yourself out of the places you are comfortable in.

The advice I give you is first you have to break the comfort zone. Quit supporting the beer and smokes. Quit covering his expenses altogether. even if it means you yourself cutting back. He wants to go out and hang with his friends go hang out with yours. Quit being home when he gets home leave it to him to wonder what you are doing, if it starts to bother him he will speak up and fix it if it doesn't it is time to move on.

reply to post by KarensHoliday

You should really think on this, and its a strong possibility that your relationship with him is something what I like to call circumstantial co dependency, some people call that love but it isn't, and it is the most common form of relationship around and usually when the circumstances change so to will there love. Not trying to goad you, or be mean, but it is just what it is.

Basically look at it like this, if you lost your job and were loafing around, do you think he would be all up in your face all the time over it, and it probably is that he does not care all that much. And it could be that your right, or it could also be that your not telling the whole story, and have already made up your mind. And in between all that is probably were the answer and the truth lies. But like another poster said before now a days no company takes resumes directly its all done by the internet.

And I for one think that is a better way because not only do you not have to waste gas which if you do not have a job you cant afford anyways, but judging by how many applications you have to turn in, and how many place you would have to look into you would probably be spending all your money on just getting to these places only to be told to wait a few weeks, and when those weeks are up, you would of likely not have gotten hired anyways. And even then he would be better off hanging out with his buddies and seeing if there hiring at the places they work at, then going through the machine as it usually does not work. In fact that is how 90% of the population got there job its usually by somebody they know or are related to, or there buddies gave a reference.

But really I do not think this is about him, this is more about you, and I think you had your answer and know what your really want to do long before you decided to write this thread, all that you are doing is looking for conformation from other strange people online about the decision you have already made, a sort of go ahead from the faceless masses on ATS.

And you know what you have chosen, and really I think everybody else does. But really maybe you should tell him that you decided to leave him, and see what he says and does before you give him the news that your out the door. Really your talking to the wrong people, and your procrastination and attempt at keeping your precious ego from getting hurt is futile and pointless. Like I said, chances are that you already know what will go down, you just need to get your cowardly ass on up and tell it like it is to him, and not us. But it seems people come to ATS for relationship advice, so there you have it....You have been advised.

Hi I just wanted to let anyone who is still following this thread know how things tuned out...we ended up breaking up last week. It was a lot of different things, not just the issue mentioned in this thread. Looking back on it new we have been growing apart for a while now on every level so it makes sense to cut the cords. We parted without too many bad feelings and I think we both knew it was the best decision.

Even though I iniatied the breakup and I have no regrets, I'm feeling weird being single again. It's been a while and I'm not looking forward to the dating scene again, ugh. Maybe l will take a break from guys for a while and see how that goes.

Thanks again everyone who commented and have advice.

reply to post by KarensHoliday


Cheers OP!

Wish you the best moving on to the next chapters in your life

reply to post by KarensHoliday


If he wants you to stop treating him like your his mother, than he should stop expecting you to take care of his ass.

i'ts not your just to support another adult who has no reason other than apathy.

put your foot down. There's nothing worse than having somebody leech off you. Not that I think that's would be his intent, but self pity can make people do very weird things.

~Tenth

reply to post by KarensHoliday


The best love is the love that finds you really. Just go out and enjoy life, when it is time itll just happen.