Got a problem. Need serious advice.

Hello ATS!

Let me start off by saying that I have been incredibly down lately. Down because of the way things are playing out in my personal life. Ive got a 7 year old who I have domicillary rights over. Her mother and I usually dont see eye to eye on anything. We we brought up 2 completely different ways and I can see an obvious difference in the way we were brought up to what we have both become today. Thats where our problem is i believe, but i dont know for certain. Anyways we are fixing to go through another custody battle because i cant trust her mother to even have her to school on time nor have her bathed or have her in bed at a decient hour. But Niki (the mother) only thinks i do the things that i do to hurt her and "keep her child from her". Which couldnt be farther from the truth. As it is now her mother lives in a one bedroom apartment with 3 adults and one other child. When she first moved in i was all for her getting a one bedroom apartment because she had just went through another breakup and she couldnt handle the bills of a 2 or 3 bedroom apartment by herself. I was totally fine with that. Then she lets 2 more adults move in and she cant see the problem i have with that. The fact that my daughter sleeps in the bed with her mother and boyfriend really really gets to me, but when I say something about it i get yelled at and told "not to worry what goes on over there". Seeing as how my daughter stays the night over there from time to time i believe i have every right to worry about what she is exposed to over there.

At my house she has her own room and has a bedtime on school nights. Reasonable i believe. We get up in the morning and I take her to my grandmothers house and she takes her to school. Well last week Niki started cussing and yelling at my grandmother over something she believed her to say, but in reality was never said. So my grandmother said that she was done and Niki was going to have to take her to school. So everything was set then. On monday i took her over there and had to knock on the door for 5 minutes just to wake someone up. So no breakfast like my daughter is used to. Maybe some doughnuts out of the bag. It was my fault because i didnt call and wake her up on the way. Or so she told me.

I try to talk to Niki about things that genually bother me and all i get in return is yelling and insults. I guess im not too much of an angel either but ive never insulted her. I try to do what is right for my daughter and she cant see passed her hatred for me. I dont know what to do right now.

I have gone back to the lawyer and had more paperwork drawn up, but im sure when she is served that it will be Heroshima all over again. And earlier she actually told me that she was going to tell my daughter that i was purposfully trying to keep her from Niki. Which isnt the case at all in my mind. I believe she just cant put forth the effort to raise a good child. I want better for my daughter than what her mother is willing to give her. Is that bad?

Anyhoo. sorry for the rant or whatever you want to call it. I just have the world bearing down on my shoulders now and i wasted to type out how i was feeling. Any help would be appreciated. What am i doing wrong? Am i an asshat?

MOTF!

As it is now her mother lives in a one bedroom apartment with 3 adults and one other child

I'm fairly certain no matter where you are, that's illegal, so I think you're totally in the right here.

What she thinks is immaterial at this point. The real issue is the safety and well-being of your child. Good luck to you. If she wants more rights, she needs to get herself together first.

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!

Any help would be appreciated. What am i doing wrong? Am i an asshat?

Nothing. Keep on keeping on brother

No you're not.

While it is very normal for parents to sleep in the same bed as their kids, with a new boyfriend that seems odd. Just introducing new boyfriends is odd in my opinion, most of the single mothers I am friends with would not introduce a boyfriend until they are ready to get married or get very close to that point.

reply to post by Gazrok


That what i believe also. I would have any reservations about letting her spend half of the time at Nikis house. If she had her own room and Niki was the one watching her. She is a waitress now, hell shes always been a waitress which is ok if thats what she has to do to make it. But dont have my child over there and leave to go to work and leave her with 2 20 year olds. She just cant see that i want a better future for Alice (my daughter).

Nikole has been to school a few times but never finishes. When we were together i had to make her go because she wasnt working and if your going to stay under my roof you are going to to something to either 1. better the family or 2. better yourself. She quit when she left me. Thats been about 3.5 years now so the way i see it is that shes had plenty of time to do something with herself. Shes just happy with barely makeing it and i absolutely do not want that to rub off on my daughter.

reply to post by boncho


When she left me and my daughter in 08' and got a new boyfriend within 2 months and they were living together, i voiced my dislike for them sleeping in the same bed (her, her bf and my child). She assured me that they didnt, but come to find out through a friend of hers that she let my daughter sleep in the bed with them the whole time. How in the sam hell do you know someone for 2 months and think its anywhere close to ok to let them sleep in the bed with you and your child?

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!


im sorry to hear of your situation - and i felt the need to post...

like the 2 posters above me have said - yes, i think it is illegal - maybe talk to your lawyer about it ?
and no you're none of those things...
my friend went through a similar thing when him and his ex wife split... she took full custody of the youngest and has put the poor bugger in some bizarre and quite frankly inappropriate situations...
again the safety and well being of your daughter should come first... speak to someone about it.
if your concerned let your lawyer know...

i wish you all the luck with your situation...

also i felt the need to send you a hug !

fluff x

Absolutely no way in hell would I allow my 7 year old daughter to sleep in the same bed with the mother's boyfriend. It's just plain wrong. The boyfriend should be sleeping on the floor, if he has to, on the nights your daughter is staying with her mother. The fact that her mother see's nothing unhealthy about the sleeping arrangements, is not a good sign.

JMOHO....

Des

reply to post by fluff007


Hug accepted! I believe that one day she may see what im trying to do and that she may be genually suprised of what her daughter has become. She thinks i do things just to hurt her, but ive never put her on child support or anything to actually be neam to her. Anyhoo thans for the good vibes. They are much appreciated.

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!

I have absolutely no real advice to give, im 21 and haven't been in your shoes.

But i will say don't stop doing what your doing, and that's caring. I wish my dad cared as much as you do before/during/after my parents got a divorce. My life probably would of turned out quite different if he gave a #. But anyway just keep on fighting and trust me it may not be easy right now but when you daughter is older she will understand and be very grateful.


Side-note I know recording conversations and basically keeping a record of the interactions you've have with your ex can help. My sister did this during her divorce/custody battle and it really helped her.
No legal expert but surely if you decided to try and get full custody you would win without a doubt since it sounds your living situation is alot more stable then hers, also sleeping in the same bed as some boyfriend?! Red Flags!

Originally posted by MessOnTheFED!
reply to post by boncho

 

When she left me and my daughter in 08' and got a new boyfriend within 2 months and they were living together, i voiced my dislike for them sleeping in the same bed (her, her bf and my child). She assured me that they didnt, but come to find out through a friend of hers that she let my daughter sleep in the bed with them the whole time. How in the sam hell do you know someone for 2 months and think its anywhere close to ok to let them sleep in the bed with you and your child?

edit on 10-4-2012 by MessOnTheFED! because: (no reason given)

It's not normal. There are many cultures where people will all sleep in the same area or in the same beds but even in those cultures it wouldn't be normal to bring in people that are new to the family unit.

When I was with my ex, she used to sleep in the bed of her kids and I had to fly solo in her bed. This was pretty normal for the first year of the relationship (being new to the family). The relationship never worked out, but we did take all the steps for the childrens adjustment in the beginning. And I wasn't going to object to it, and neither should others. Adding a new person into a family can be traumatic for kids.

reply to post by Destinyone


The funny thing is that she keeps telling me that he sleeps on the floor. Then my daughter comes home from over there and tells me that she didnt get a good nights rest because she couldnt hardly move in the bed. Nikoles brother is the other adult in the apartment. He told me that she never slep in the bed with the two of them, then when I told him what my daughter had told me about being tired and not sleeping good all he could say is "its not like there f_____ng with her in the bed" Sorry to evade the sensors but i believes that sentence alone speaks volumes of the people in that houses character.

reply to post by Bixxi3


Please believe i have a log of everytime she was late, unbathed, no jacket in 36 degree weather, etc. on the desktop of my work computer.

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!



no problem dude
after seeing close friends go through this - my heart goes out to people like yourself in these situations...
chin up and speak what you feel... if its not right, say so.

good luck

and i will most certainly keep sending the good vibes your way..!

Take notes on everything that happens. Carry a notebook. Keep your head cool and let your ex wife hang herself with her own actions. If she does something really stupid, you can get sole custody and hopefully she'll get limited visitation rights. I know I've only heard one side, but she sounds like a real winner, ya know? You don't need your daughter exposed to that kind of behavior from an adult, much less her own mother.

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!


This is just me maybe but this seems very controlling. In the sense of your way or the highway. For me a marriage is a partnership between two people and one persons word does not mean more than another and things should be agreed upon. I do not know the whole story and for all I know she could have been just sitting at home and doing nothing while you were working but besides that there was something that brought you two together enough to get married.

You may not always agree with everything that she is doing but at the same point that does not mean that you are right and she is wrong. People raise their children differently from family to family but going back to my previous point both parents should raise together and not have one make all the decisions no matter how right you think you are about something.

If you are having trouble voicing things to friends and family who will listen with open ears and not just take your side then I would suggest to see and talk to a third party such as a therapist or Councillor about what you are feeling. It might help you to become a better parent over all and help in your dealings with your ex-wife.

reply to post by MessOnTheFED!



It's a real tough one! It seems to me like you're being very reasonable about it all, but then another part of me thinks "can you really keep the child from the mother"? Will it turn round and bite you in the ass?

I've been on the receiving end of this to be honest, I split from my partner and she stopped me seeing my daughter. There was nothing worse I can tell you! I was staying with a friend literally crashed on the floor in his 1 bed apartment. She used to say that there was no way she was coming to visit me because of my situation etc. But my friend was harmless! I wouldn't be friends with someone that wasn't, I'd known him about 10 years! Anyway we made it through and we're back together now but not seeing my daughter was heartbreaking! I so wanted to sort myself out but kinda fell into a spiral of depression.

I don't know your partner or who she is staying with so it's hard to say about your particular situation. What I do know is relationships and life in general can be tough! Especially when you're not the one in control. Maybe if you write her a letter explaining all your fears and perhaps telling her you want to hold out an olive branch so that you can work things out peacefully? Sometimes it's easier to explain your feelings in writing as you have time to form the way you say things. Try to be compassionate and understanding, even though it is easier said than done.

If she is still unresponsive well then you have tried your best and you have to do what you feel is best for your daughter.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hopefully you can solve these issues. Chin up.

reply to post by boncho


I know exactly what you mean. I dont want to hurt my daughter at all. And i certainly dont want to resent me one day for takeing her away from her mother. Thats where my questioning of what im doing comes in.

Anyhoo. im off to school (side note 10 more classes and i have my batchelors degree!! woot!)

Sorry to evade the sensors but i believes that sentence alone speaks volumes of the people in that houses character.

Yep. I don't care if she needs to put up a frickin' cot...the girl needs her own bed.

Just where do all these people sleep in a one-bedroom place? I'm sorry, but if it were me, she wouldn't be staying the night over there until she had a room of her own to sleep in. Visit, sure....stay the night, heck no. This is a dangerous situation...and if she doesn't comply, you may need to involve the authorities.

And I say that as someone who HATES involving them, because once they are in, man, that can become a nightmare, but you really don't know some of these adults from Adam, and you have no idea what they are capable of. Your wife's nonchalant attitude is also a HUGE red flag, and to be honest, I fear for your daughter's safety my friend.

And i certainly dont want to resent me one day for takeing her away from her mother.

Better that than having one of these barely known adults endanger her in any way... Besides, I'm not saying to eliminate visits, just sleepovers, until this situation is resolved.

Originally posted by MessOnTheFED!
reply to post by Destinyone

 

The funny thing is that she keeps telling me that he sleeps on the floor. Then my daughter comes home from over there and tells me that she didnt get a good nights rest because she couldnt hardly move in the bed. Nikoles brother is the other adult in the apartment. He told me that she never slep in the bed with the two of them, then when I told him what my daughter had told me about being tired and not sleeping good all he could say is "its not like there f_____ng with her in the bed" Sorry to evade the sensors but i believes that sentence alone speaks volumes of the people in that houses character.

((((MessOnTheFED))))

Listen to your daughter. What the adults who are all living crammed into a one bedroom apt have to say, should never over ride what your daughter tells you. Trust your Fatherly gut. You sound like the only responsible parent at the moment. May be the mother will get her act together in the future...but, protecting your daughter is a full time job, as you well know. You must be the one to protect her from adults making bad choices...who else will.

Des

reply to post by mee30

I've been on the receiving end of this to be honest, I split from my partner and she stopped me seeing my daughter. There was nothing worse I can tell you! I was staying with a friend literally crashed on the floor in his 1 bed apartment. She used to say that there was no way she was coming to visit me because of my situation etc. But my friend was harmless!

Your situation wasn't harmless at the time. If two people split up and one isn't on their feet, there is no reason why day visits can't be sufficient.

Personally, I wouldn't want my kids to be staying with me if I didn't have something stable for them to be a part of. Day visits would be enough until I was back on my feet.