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Got a problem. Need serious advice.

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posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:05 PM
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reply to post by Vodo34861
 


Just to clear things up. We were never married. I didnt know i had a daughter unitl i was one month shy of getting out of trade school. And her mother left us in 08'. It was 2.5 months befor she even contacted me to talk to Alice. I know i may seem controlling but Ive seen the way Nikole and her brothers were raised and what they have bacome and I know the way i was raised and what i have become. They are polar opposites. That one of the things i feel bad about is that what im doing may be construed as me "ruling with an iron fist" but when it comes to that little girls future i really dont give a damn whose toes i step on.




posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:07 PM
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reply to post by mee30
 


I dont want to keep her from her mother. Ive actually made it where she can see her every day, instead of mondays and tuesdays and every other weekend, as long as she brings her home at a reasonable hour.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:09 PM
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reply to post by boncho
 


No you misunderstand me, she wouldn't let me see her at all! Not even a day visit! She did do most things out of spite to be honest. If I was going to have her stay over I had another friend I could of stayed at with a spare room, but that wasn't good enough either because that friend was female! But like I said I couldn't get a day visit let alone a stay over!



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:10 PM
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If you are acting in the best interests of your daughter and you really believe you are, then you do not have to explain or appologize to anyone for doing so. You can't change your ex, only she can do that.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:12 PM
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reply to post by MessOnTheFED!
 


Well then you have done all you can do, I still feel like a nice letter of encouragement and support could go a long way. But who knows, things can get real messy in splits, hope it all works out for you.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:13 PM
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reply to post by MessOnTheFED!
 


Okay thank you for clearing that up. I apologize for making that inference about your over all relationship with her. The point that I am trying to make because I have seen too many people go down the road. Is that talk to someone who is not always going to take your side because they feel it is right as well, talk to someone who knows the laws and can help determine if she is in danger and put you in a position to better protect her from that. Like others have said there are most likely occupancy laws where you live but maybe there are not. While you might not like her sleeping in the same bed as her mother and the current BF, is there a law that restricts this type of action.

I have a brother in law who separated from his wife. His wife started dating a guy and he didn't want his girls around the new guy but try as he might there was nothing that he could do, much like a dog barking on the end of its chain. That was until it was discovered that the new BF had a pending case for a crime against a minor. At that point he was able to use the law to make sure the new BF was not able to be around his girls.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:24 PM
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While you might not like her sleeping in the same bed as her mother and the current BF, is there a law that restricts this type of action.


Likely not, but I'll wager there is some legislation about how many adults can co-habitate a one-bedroom apartment. If not a law, then likely the terms of the lease specify this as well. Plus, with so many in such a small place, can you imagine them all getting ready for work at the same time? Seems unavoidable that your daughter would be exposed to something she shouldn't be seeing at 7yrs old. If nothing else, I'd put the fear of God in that BF and let him know that in no uncertain terms..if my daughter ever even accused him of anything, I'd make sure his body was never found...

If THAT doesn't get him to rethink his sleeping arrangements, not sure what would....



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:55 PM
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reply to post by Vodo34861
 


That's actually what i'm trying to do right now. Get peoples opinions. If you have any questions I'll do my best to give you unbiased information. I've actually talked to Nikoles dad about it and he told me to do what I thought was best for my daughter. He would be the one who I would think was on her side.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 04:59 PM
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reply to post by Gazrok
 


I don't really think he would do anything to her. If he did id be in jail. I just don't want Alice to think that's ok because in my mind it isn't. As for them getting up and getting ready for work, not likely. She is currently the only one with a job. Actually, I had to go get one of my daughters tap shoes from her houson my lunch break (1 pm) and had to knock on the door until someone woke up. They were all asleep with the 2 year old wide awake.
edit on 10-4-2012 by MessOnTheFED! because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 05:33 PM
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If your post is 100% truthful, there are some unsavory things going on in that apartment that your daughter is a witness to, but she may have been coached and threatened not to talk.

First of all, those adults are probably up until really late at night (hence not waking up in the morning). Secondly, I'm thinking that there is some partying going on there. When a child doesn't have a schedule, isn't bathed properly and is wearing dirty clothes, and isn't even woken up on time for school, my instincts as a previous social worker tell me that there is partying going on. The child might not be directly abused, but look at the clues.

What kind of a woman allows a new boyfriend to sleep in the bed along with the young daughter? Maybe I'm old fashioned, but that's just sick. I was a single mother going to school way back when, and I didn't even let my daughter meet a boyfriend until I thought it was serious. Letting some stranger crawl into bed with them tells me that the mother is selfish, unthinking, and probably on drugs.

You have several options.

1. Try and get your daughter to talk about things that she sees and hears when she is at home. Ask her if any adults told her "not to tell" about something. Have a voice-activated recorder in your pocket if you feel you need to get it on tape.

2. Keep doing what you're doing and don't say anything.

3. As a LAST resort.....You can call CPS to do a "welfare check" on your daughter because you suspect that she is in an environment that is not healthy and she may be experiencing neglect.

4. You can tell the mother that she'd better start acting like a real mother and not a ho-bag who just happened to pop out a kid, and if she doesn't toe the line, CPS will be up her backside like white on rice.

I have been through a child custody fight....They are ugly, expensive, and the child is the one who is caught in a tug-of-war. I had to call CPS / law enforcement on my ex one time when he picked up our daughter and it appeared that he was inebriated as he drove off with the tires burning rubber. He was pulled over by law enforcement and arrested for DUI.

You have to do what you think is best for your child. When it comes to your child's life, it doesn't pay to be the good guy.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 05:45 PM
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reply to post by FissionSurplus
 


I'm aware that they stay up to all hours of the night. Her Facebook posts at 3 and 4 am verify that. They are regular. When we went to curt the first time we really didn't even go to court. She just signed the papers withouta fight. I don't believe Alice should suffer for her mother being a night owl. I'm seriously hoping that she will get a lawyer this time though.

I did ask her earlier if her mother ever said bad things about me and she said yes. I left it at that because I really don't want to put her in the middle of it.
edit on 10-4-2012 by MessOnTheFED! because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 06:58 PM
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Originally posted by mee30
reply to post by boncho
 


No you misunderstand me, she wouldn't let me see her at all! Not even a day visit! She did do most things out of spite to be honest. If I was going to have her stay over I had another friend I could of stayed at with a spare room, but that wasn't good enough either because that friend was female! But like I said I couldn't get a day visit let alone a stay over!


In that case I believe that is quite unfair and it's a shame when that happens throughout a custody battle. In the OP's case though, from everything he is telling us he is only looking out for the welfare of his daughter. If the Mother can't even get her to school on time she really needs to rethink her priorities.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 07:08 PM
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reply to post by boncho
 


The funny thing about it is to hear her tell it everything that she does she doors for her kids. Apparently that includes sleeping until mid afternoon among many other things. She also uses Alice's name to get food stamps. Which kinda makes me upset because I don't want engine to get a free ride if if my kid. Is that bad?

Its a shame that your ex kept your daughter away from you! I couldn't keep Alice from her mother all together I just want her to have the best surroundings possible with responsible people around her.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 08:53 PM
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I've had a lot of mixed thoughts on this thread, but I think I should only share one.


Parents screw up their kids. Fact. And even good parents can have a child that blames them for something - real or perceived....


Your daughter may resent you for keeping her time with her mother "limited" or "restricted" - Do it anyway.

Its way better than being resented for letting her hang out with those types of people and being abused and turning into a crackhead.

Not saying that she's being abused mind you - just saying.... its possible - the situation seems unsavory - I wouldn't trust it. And who cares if people think you're controlling. You know why. You know your motives. They're not involved. Screw'm



Oh and a final thought to those who don't have kids yet (particularly the men)
The best thing you can ever do for your future children, is be careful who you impregnate.
edit on 10-4-2012 by Forevever because: I gave a reason, it got lost.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 09:12 PM
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reply to post by Forevever
 


Thank you for your opinion. I am fearful that one day my daughter may resent me, but in time i'm sure that she will see the big picture and maybe even thank me one day.

Oh and by the way. That last sentence deserves 1000 stars



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 09:16 PM
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reply to post by boncho
 


I agree, I wouldn't let her stay over there anymore, no way should she be sleeping in the bed with the boyfriend, DSS would be all over that one. With the parent its one thing, but a non relative is quite another.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 09:19 PM
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reply to post by Forevever
 


I always tell people, that when choosing partners, people always worry about who they will grow old with. People change, and people adapt, that is a problem that can be fixed.

But people seem to rarely think about what kind of parent their partner would make. And that will make or break EVERYTHING. It can make your life hell if you too are two completely different kinds of parents.

And also what kind of families your partner has. Do you want to marry a man whose mother will interfere, smack your kid or undermine you?

It amazes me how people never talk through this extensively.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 09:52 PM
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reply to post by nixie_nox
 


I have to admit that you hit the nail on the head. Unfortunately we didn't plan for her to get pregnant. But it us what it is and I wouldn't change it for the world. That little girl gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. A reason to strive to do something better.



posted on Apr, 10 2012 @ 09:53 PM
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Mess,

I am only getting one side of the story here. And my history shows that I usually look at it from both sides, but in this case I will say something.

Goig by what you are saying, it sounds like her mother has a mental illness. If she is flipping out on everything you are saying and can't seem to get her life in order.

STop worrying about if your daughter will resent you. That is the least of your issues. Kids are smart and later on figure out who the defunct parent is, if it isn't both of them.

The mother is NOT creating a stable situation at all. And you should push for full custody until she does. Even calling cps if you have too.

Boyfriends should not be introduced, but you have little control over that. But they certainly shouldn't be living there. I think it is ok to have the brother around.

There may not be laws regarding the number of people in the place, but it may be breaking a lease, and the child custody courts will evaluate the person living there. if the boyfriend has no job, or is unsavory, and no other place to sleep, they will take issue with that.
child custody is judged by the quality of people living in the house.

The responsibility you have to take that the mother isn't is that you have to provide a stable environment. Having all those people in the house, and a boyfriend coming and going like a revolving door, is not.

You may have to go through this to force her to get her act together. And limit it to day visits until she does.

And if she has partial custody, she can apply for food stamps, you have to have children in the home to apply for them, there is nothign wrong with that, as long as she is not selling them for drugs.

Keep those records! But also keep track of the things your daughter says and of what your ex says.



posted on Apr, 11 2012 @ 03:02 PM
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Originally posted by Destinyone
Absolutely no way in hell would I allow my 7 year old daughter to sleep in the same bed with the mother's boyfriend. It's just plain wrong. The boyfriend should be sleeping on the floor, if he has to, on the nights your daughter is staying with her mother. The fact that her mother see's nothing unhealthy about the sleeping arrangements, is not a good sign.

JMOHO....

Des


I was a behavioral counselor for children and families for over 10 years, and I can honestly say that I absolutely agree. There is no way a child should be sleeping in a bed with the boyfriend. That alone would be a reason to take the child out of the house. I have dealt with similar cases to yours from a legal standpoint, the children should have their rooms. sometimes people can't afford a large house, and these things are taken into consideration. but At no point should a small female child be sleeping with the new boyfriend. Period.
edit on 11-4-2012 by gemdog because: (no reason given)



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