Christians: Are you going to hell? Take the test, you may be suprised

SaturnFX
Heya ATSers

As you all know, I am a total fundamentalist christian...I loves me my scripture..well, imagine my suprise when I found out that not just myself, but everyone else in my fundy group of sing song friends are hellbound with no possibility of forgivness.

as we ALL know, the bible is the word of god, it is infallable and unable to be corrupted. It is penned by God (well, men posessed by God basically) and therefore everything is literal and without question...
I am here doing a service with this test to make many of you aware that indeed you may be going to hell already, but also to warn others teetering on the edge that you may accidently yourself into hell without even knowing it (Thanks Obama!)

So, here is the test...good luck...hopefully you answer no to everything, else...well, you know...time to get some spiritual sunscreen

1) Are you a woman? If yes, then have you ever spoken in a church?
If yes, your doomed.

"Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says." (1 Corinthians 14:34)

2) Women (again), have you ever worn your hair short?
Yes...oh boy...time to go to hells salon

"Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering." (1 Corinthians 11:13-15)

3) MenL Did you find out on your wedding night that your (former) wife was a virgin by her bleeding? and if not, did you immediately bring her to her parents house so the town could stone her to death?
If no to the stoning...sorry, your part of the problem...see you and your harlot wife in hell

"But if ... evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones..." (Deuteronomy 22:20,21)

4)Have you cut your hand off to prevent you from sinning (or eyes out if thats how you sin, etc)?
Hopefully its difficult to type for many of you due to your sacrifice of limbs to prevent your sinning..

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched." (Mark 9:43)

5) Your parents...were they married when you were born?
Lets hope so...no married parents on your birth = total doom

"One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)

There ya go, a short 5 question quiz that some of you are unaware of...sorry if you are going to hell, but at least you will have lots of company

oh, and one more question...call it extra credit.

taking the first 5 questions for the absoluteist position it is on what is and isn't bad/evil/whatever, please answer the 6th question in the same tone

6) Are you gay?



(and an extra 50 points to those whom understand the actual point of this thread)

Satire... And what's the point of this? To raise more intolerance for the intolerable? To blow off some steam? To point out the faults in others?

Then again... Why does man do anything?

So your point's that if you're gay, it means the same as the rest of the questions? (as far as going to hell)

Pretty good thread. Isnt some of that stuff like old testement covenent/rules or something?
You know, the reason some church goers don't tithe?

SaturnFX

Originally posted by works4dhs
um, old testament ceremonial law was an old covenant with which Christians are not affiliated.
as for women speaking in church and cutting hair, that was recommended in an area dominated by Archie Bunker types as a we'd-better-play-by-the-rules-of-the-haters. it's ok now.

Try 21st Century Christianity! We can even eat pork now! Yum!

Oh, ok...so we aren't supposed to take the bible literally then because times changed and we dont like the rules anymore.
sweet.

I better call my church and inform them its all cool, the game is called off due to evolution

Your posts are not that of a fundamental Christian. Actually you make the Bible sound like a joke.

Frater210
Actually, women featured prominently in the early early Christian church. Notice where the instructions for women in church come from. Yep, it's Paul again, writing to the Corinthians. So what. Those slippery bastards were kissing the asses of the local authorities from day one.



Source:www.womenpriests.org...

edit on 14-4-2011 by Frater210 because: syntax

So what about the Jews and the Muslims? Women are not allowed to speak unless there are no men around to conduct the teachings and prayers. Women are not even allowed to enter the synagouges and mosques.

Jesuslives4u
So what about the Jews and the Muslims? Women are not allowed to speak unless there are no men around to conduct the teachings and prayers. Women are not even allowed to enter the synagouges and mosques.

Bad behavior is not excused just because you can point out others who behave worse.


"Well sure, I beat up a child, but I heard of someone who killed a child, therefore my crime doesn't count..."
No, you still beat up a child...
See the issue?

and to answer your post to me, no, I am not a fundy x-ian, nor even remotely religious...but I did go to catholic school and have found the bible to be a enjoyable book overall to debate.

saidative
So your point's that if you're gay, it means the same as the rest of the questions? (as far as going to hell)

Pretty good thread. Isnt some of that stuff like old testement covenent/rules or something?
You know, the reason some church goers don't tithe?

Most of the rules listed are right beside the don't be gay rule.
Way I see it, since the modern day Christian is holding on to that rule, they should also hold on to the others in the same book spoken of equal and in some cases, more importance.

I am not gay personally, but I do have a pet peeve about hypocracy.

DelayedChristmas
Satire... And what's the point of this? To raise more intolerance for the intolerable? To blow off some steam? To point out the faults in others?

Then again... Why does man do anything?

Satire? well, the rules and observations are 100% accurate and valid, but of course, it is comical when you consider it all. Does that mean then that the bible itself can be considered satirical towards humanity, or are you just saying anyone who points out hypocracy in todays religion must be joking?

As far as why? Actually, it is to raise awareness to the intolerant. Lots of "religious" people have never read the bible..just got frightened by someone else at one point and has taken what they say at face value. Breaking away from the cherry picked dogma of religion allows a person to free their mind and decide by themselves and their own set of principles what is and isn't ok for society to do.
When people ignore religious intolerance, people tend to burn, blow things up, murder, and other horrors in todays society.

SaturnFX
Heya ATSers

As you all know, I am a total fundamentalist christian...I loves me my scripture..well, imagine my suprise when I found out that not just myself, but everyone else in my fundy group of sing song friends are hellbound with no possibility of forgivness.

as we ALL know, the bible is the word of god, it is infallable and unable to be corrupted. It is penned by God (well, men posessed by God basically) and therefore everything is literal and without question...
I am here doing a service with this test to make many of you aware that indeed you may be going to hell already, but also to warn others teetering on the edge that you may accidently yourself into hell without even knowing it (Thanks Obama!)

So, here is the test...good luck...hopefully you answer no to everything, else...well, you know...time to get some spiritual sunscreen

1) Are you a woman? If yes, then have you ever spoken in a church?
If yes, your doomed.

"Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says." (1 Corinthians 14:34)

2) Women (again), have you ever worn your hair short?
Yes...oh boy...time to go to hells salon

"Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering." (1 Corinthians 11:13-15)

3) MenL Did you find out on your wedding night that your (former) wife was a virgin by her bleeding? and if not, did you immediately bring her to her parents house so the town could stone her to death?
If no to the stoning...sorry, your part of the problem...see you and your harlot wife in hell

"But if ... evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones..." (Deuteronomy 22:20,21)

4)Have you cut your hand off to prevent you from sinning (or eyes out if thats how you sin, etc)?
Hopefully its difficult to type for many of you due to your sacrifice of limbs to prevent your sinning..

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched." (Mark 9:43)

5) Your parents...were they married when you were born?
Lets hope so...no married parents on your birth = total doom

"One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)

There ya go, a short 5 question quiz that some of you are unaware of...sorry if you are going to hell, but at least you will have lots of company

oh, and one more question...call it extra credit.

taking the first 5 questions for the absoluteist position it is on what is and isn't bad/evil/whatever, please answer the 6th question in the same tone

6) Are you gay?


(and an extra 50 points to those whom understand the actual point of this thread)

LOL and too much information to keep the rebuttal succint.

As I am not a Fundie, but a Christian, then perhaps it is only the Fundies going to hell for these things?

1) Are you a woman? If yes, then have you ever spoken in a church?

Answer: Yes, I am a woman who has spoken in church and on the radio, but as not being a Fundie and definitely not Greek from Corinth and Greek laws from Corinth don't apply to me, then no, I am not in danger. Maybe Fundies are Greek from Corinth and subject to Corinthian laws. I don't know.

2) Women (again), have you ever worn your hair short?

Again, as I am not a Fundie and still not subject to Greek laws of Corinth, I would have to revert to the particular laws that I would be subject of, and as the Fundie Paul has indicated over and over "WE have no such customs" and "It is not from God, but from my own opinion".

3) MenL Did you find out on your wedding night that your (former) wife was a virgin by her bleeding? and if not, did you immediately bring her to her parents house so the town could stone her to death?

Amswer: Hmm, I didn't realize Fundies actually still held to the old Law, I thought they were redeemed from it. I would think Jesus' death nailed stoning to the cross. But then again, maybe for some Fundies stoning is fun times. And what's the (former) about? I thought Fundies felt different about divorce.

4)Have you cut your hand off to prevent you from sinning (or eyes out if thats how you sin, etc)?

Answer: I thought Fundies thought the flagellations by Catholics were strange.

5) Your parents...were they married when you were born?

Answer: Yes, mine were. But they weren't Fundies either.

6) Are you gay?

Answer: No, but my grandfather was, be he wasn't Fundie either.

Yes, I understand the point of the thread and it was very clever. Apparently then only Fundies are in danger of hell. LOL.

reply to post by SaturnFX

as we ALL know, the bible is the word of god, it is infallible and unable to be corrupted. It is penned by God (well, men possessed by God basically) and therefore everything is literal and without question...

The few People who may think that would not be very accepting of logical arguments, so to me, your thread can only be preaching to the choir.
I would have to agree with WarminIndy that we are redeemed from being under the Old Testament Laws.
Of course there are some fundamental principles that can be found in them, as was pointed out by Jesus, but there is no value in keeping to the whole group as a unit, as was pointed out by Paul.

I'm not worried about those "laws" that condemn people to hell. They only affect the folks who fail to follow Christ:


From Galatians 5:

You who want to be justified by the law have cut yourselves off from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit, by faith, we eagerly wait for the hope of righteousness. For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything; the only thing that counts is faith working through love.

Edit to Add:

I'm not going to hell, because I don't follow Bible laws. I follow Christ.

According to that test I'm going to hell. The victim of a uncaring and unmerciful god.

Is there any wonder why people like me are so hard to drive back into a church pew? Why go to chuch if I'm already doomed.