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Christians: Are you going to hell? Take the test, you may be suprised

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posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:21 PM
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Heya ATSers

As you all know, I am a total fundamentalist christian...I loves me my scripture..well, imagine my suprise when I found out that not just myself, but everyone else in my fundy group of sing song friends are hellbound with no possibility of forgivness.

as we ALL know, the bible is the word of god, it is infallable and unable to be corrupted. It is penned by God (well, men posessed by God basically) and therefore everything is literal and without question...
I am here doing a service with this test to make many of you aware that indeed you may be going to hell already, but also to warn others teetering on the edge that you may accidently yourself into hell without even knowing it (Thanks Obama!)

So, here is the test...good luck...hopefully you answer no to everything, else...well, you know...time to get some spiritual sunscreen

1) Are you a woman? If yes, then have you ever spoken in a church?
If yes, your doomed.

"Women should be silent in the churches, for they are not permitted to speak, but should be submissive, as the law also says." (1 Corinthians 14:34)


2) Women (again), have you ever worn your hair short?
Yes...oh boy...time to go to hells salon

"Judge for yourselves: Is it proper for a woman to pray to God with her head uncovered? Does not even nature itself teach you that if a man has long hair it is a disgrace to him, but that if a woman has long hair, it is her glory? For her hair is given to her as a covering." (1 Corinthians 11:13-15)



3) MenL Did you find out on your wedding night that your (former) wife was a virgin by her bleeding? and if not, did you immediately bring her to her parents house so the town could stone her to death?
If no to the stoning...sorry, your part of the problem...see you and your harlot wife in hell

"But if ... evidences of virginity are not found for the young woman, then they shall bring out the young woman to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her to death with stones..." (Deuteronomy 22:20,21)


4)Have you cut your hand off to prevent you from sinning (or eyes out if thats how you sin, etc)?
Hopefully its difficult to type for many of you due to your sacrifice of limbs to prevent your sinning..

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched." (Mark 9:43)


5) Your parents...were they married when you were born?
Lets hope so...no married parents on your birth = total doom

"One of illegitimate birth shall not enter the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)



There ya go, a short 5 question quiz that some of you are unaware of...sorry if you are going to hell, but at least you will have lots of company

oh, and one more question...call it extra credit.

taking the first 5 questions for the absoluteist position it is on what is and isn't bad/evil/whatever, please answer the 6th question in the same tone

6) Are you gay?



(and an extra 50 points to those whom understand the actual point of this thread)




posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:25 PM
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reply to post by SaturnFX
 


Uh oh....

Great thread though.
Definite Star & Flag for you.

Hmm... before God can even get around to judging me for my sexuality I'm already doomed. I think I'm going to keep doing what I do and worry about the afterlife when I'm dead.

edit on 14-4-2011 by Dendro because: (no reason given)

edit on 14-4-2011 by Dendro because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:27 PM
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Well, looks like it's the pits of fire for this bastard
..
Damn you Original Sin!!!!



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:32 PM
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8i have tried typing with nose... slow and tedious. i think i will keep the use of my haands.

this whole post was written by my face. lol



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:32 PM
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Double Post
edit on 14-4-2011 by Dendro because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:33 PM
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um, old testament ceremonial law was an old covenant with which Christians are not affiliated.
as for women speaking in church and cutting hair, that was recommended in an area dominated by Archie Bunker types as a we'd-better-play-by-the-rules-of-the-haters. it's ok now.
there is no record of any Christian ever cutting off their hand or putting out their eye. this is exageration in order to emphasize the importance of holiness.
Christians ARE encouraged to work hard, provide for their families, get along with their neighbors, and live quiet and helpful lives.

Try 21st Century Christianity! We can even eat pork now! Yum!

edit on 14-4-2011 by works4dhs because: add line



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:35 PM
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reply to post by works4dhs
 


So wait, we can change the rules as we go a long?!


I'm doomed
totally doomed for eternity



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:35 PM
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Originally posted by works4dhs
um, old testament ceremonial law was an old covenant with which Christians are not affiliated.
as for women speaking in church and cutting hair, that was recommended in an area dominated by Archie Bunker types as a we'd-better-play-by-the-rules-of-the-haters. it's ok now.

Try 21st Century Christianity! We can even eat pork now! Yum!


Oh, ok...so we aren't supposed to take the bible literally then because times changed and we dont like the rules anymore.
sweet.

I better call my church and inform them its all cool, the game is called off due to evolution



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:36 PM
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In a lot of ways its wrong and in a few ways its funny.

What I mean is how does a female priest/father/pastor explain the one about women speaking in church!?

Might just go and ask one (in church) just to here the 'explanation'.

Would be nice to see what the official view on that is, I love how they all pick and choose which bits to use.

Cheers for the smiles



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:36 PM
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''Written by men Possessed by God''

This is exactly why I can't believe in God or the workings of the bible.

Written by MEN!

Not a GOD! a HUMAN BEING!.

Some one like you or me.

Just my comment/opinion. Don't mean to cause offence.



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:36 PM
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What would be the point of Christ's sacrifice and the Grace of God that he brought to us all if we are all going to die and go to hell?

There is nothing you can do to earn the gift of Grace. Nothing. Yet it is available to All.

Thanks for asking so that I could answer. Have a good day.



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:37 PM
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Originally posted by David291
reply to post by works4dhs
 


So wait, we can change the rules as we go a long?!



Only the bits you don't like...such as virginity, stealing, and I guess being born to unwed parents..

being gay...still totally bad cause its in the bible (the unmoving part)...however, eating pork and shellfish is dandy now, cause..its tasty. God doesn't make tasty things to ignore.



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:38 PM
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Originally posted by SaturnFX

Originally posted by works4dhs


I better call my church and inform them its all cool, the game is called off due to evolution


Now that made me dribble my tea! Quality line



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:38 PM
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reply to post by YoungMind92
 


Exactly
Tis all mumbo jumbo in my humble opinion.

women can't speak in church - you have female priests etc

well, this is one sexist book I'll tell you that!

wasn't we supposed to have been designed with free will aswell? A bunch of rules is free will?


wait...that sounds like our goverment

edit on 14/4/11 by David291 because: (no reason given)



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:40 PM
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Originally posted by LestatG
What I mean is how does a female priest/father/pastor explain the one about women speaking in church!?


Hmm, well, the way I explain it is simple..
If A man asks me why, I simply explain "its a good rule, isn't it". That usually ends the debate there

If a woman asks me why, I tell her to shut her trap and make me a pie.



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:41 PM
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This is the funniest - S&F for you!!!

Any belief system founded upon methods of controlling the masses by shaming them for being perfectly normal and acceptable deserves the grave it digs itself. I used to feel pity for them. Now I just laugh.

I wonder how many Christians would follow a sub-sect of the KKK that preached acceptance, charity and love. Any takers? Why not? The sub-sect is different than the original group from which it splintered! What, its inception too corrupt and indignant? Now you know how we educated non-Christians feel.

Hey, I guess we all need comfort sometimes, lol!



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:42 PM
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Is anyone goin to heaven



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:43 PM
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reply to post by TruePatriot1685
 


Great question, even being born could be a sin



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:43 PM
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there is such a thing as moral relativism, but the basic tenets are timeless. Adultery (as an example) is still and always a sin, but there is no New Testament command to keep the sabbath (it is unrealistic and too much to ask in this era). there is a hope of not offending; for instance I am free to eat pork but I would not do so in the presence of a Jewish (or muslim) friend.
there is freedom in Christianity, and as with any freedom there is caution not to abuse, not so much for my sake as for the sake of the weak and lost around me.



posted on Apr, 14 2011 @ 01:43 PM
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Originally posted by David291

wasn't we supposed to have been designed with free will aswell? A bunch of rules is free will?


wait...that sounds like our goverment

edit on 14/4/11 by David291 because: (no reason given)


Naa, you misunderstand free will

You have the complete freedom to follow these rules, or you have the alternate path to become tortured for all eternity by demons and the most horrific creatures imaginable should you choose differently.

See...freedom

Like...I can hold a gun to your face and tell you to give me your wallet..you can freely give it to me, or you can choose to accept a new addition to your brain (some side effects may occur)



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