Rodney Dangerfield joke of the day

12/12/04: "Oh, when I was a kid, I was ugly. When I was born, the doctor smacked my mother! "

12/13/04: "I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!" "

12/14/04: "What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food!"

12/15/04: "Oh, when I was kid, I got no respect. I was kidnapped; they sent back a piece of my finger. My old man said he wanted more proof."

12/16/04: "Oh, I knew one guy, he never went off his diet - he never drank, he never smoked, he never did anything wrong ... he was in perfect health - right up 'til the time he killed himself. "

12/17/04: "Oh, I'm getting old - my insurance company sent me half a calendar! "

12/18/04: "And when we were kids, the whole neighborhood made fun of my brother. They'd call him four eyes. Then when he got glasses then they called him eight eyes. "

12/19/04: "I told a guy, "Kids. Today the way they dress, you can't tell boys from girls. Why, look at that kid over there. What's that? A boy or a girl?" He said, "That's a boy, that's my son." I said, "Sure, you knew, you're his father." He said, "I'm not his father, I'm his mother!" "

12/22/04: "Oh, my old man was strict - he allowed no drinking in the house. I had two brothers who died of thirst! "

12/23/04: "Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another! "

12/24/05: "My life, I've been through plenty. When I was three years old, my parents got a dog. And I was jealous of the dog - so they got rid of me! "

12/25/04: "I don't get no respect. One night I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand - my wife lit it! "

12/26/04: "I made love to an inflatable girl - now I got an inflatable guy lookin' for me! "

12/27/04: "Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something. "

01/02/05: "With my wife I don't get no respect. She told me she wanted sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night. "

01/03/04: "With my wife I don't get no respect. I got no sex life. In my house we put the mirror over the dogs bed. "

01/04/05: "When I was born I got no respect. When the doctor told my mother, "I did all I could but he pulled through anyway." "

01/05/05: "With my wife I don't get no respect. Last night some guy knocked on the front door. She told me to hide in the closet. "

01/07/05: "With my wife I don't get no respect. The other night she told me to take out the garbage. I told her I already took out the garbage. Then she told me to go out and keep an eye on it. "

01/10/05: "With my wife I don't get no respect. I had a fight with the dog. My wife said the dog was right. And she told me this right in front of the dog! Now the dog has no respect. My wife throws the ball. He waits for me to bring it back. "