"No shame" for male domestic abuse victims, says scalded victim

Scarred for life when wife poured boiling water on him

Ken Gregory, 65, from Peterborough, sustained first and second degree burns to 14% of his body in March last year.

He has encouraged male victims of domestic violence to speak out, saying: "Being attacked by a woman is nothing to be ashamed of."

On the day of the attack Mr Gregory had intended to visit his first wife's grave as it was her birthday, but instead the couple argued and agreed to divorce.

Gilbertson went to make a cup of tea but returned with a jug of boiling water which she poured over his head from behind.

I'm glad that he is speaking out. People either laugh at the image of a man being abused by a woman and chalk it up to "her being on the rag", or "him being a wimp". It is the unspoken thing, a man being abused. My grandfather used to physically and emotionally abuse my grandmother until he became an invalid, then the tables turned, and she became emotionally abusive towards him and physically abusive towards everyone else. I thought to myself there was no way I would let a man hit me, not realizing there were so many other forms of abuse. I married into a violent life and never opened my eyes to it. I was called all sorts of names. Wh*re, C**t, Witch with a B, all this in front of my daughter. But it didn't dawn on me that because he wasn't hitting me it was abusive. It took almost 20 years to wake up to it. The isolation, the slowly getting me to hate the things I liked doing. I rarely left my house, and if I did, my daughter had to go everywhere I went. I had no help with her. My health began to suffer, and still does to this day, even though I'm out of that environment. After awhile, it did become physical, where he began choking me at night, and I wanted to die, so I didn't care. I was ready to die. After almost 20 years of it, you get to a point where you just do not care anymore. That's where I was. I wanted him to kill me. There is female domestic violence and male domestic violence, there MUST be awareness on both kinds. I know mostly there is awareness on female domestic violence, but we must have more awareness on male, as well.

a reply to: Anyafaj

As you alluded to, it doesn't need to be physical to be abusive.

It's interesting to me that modern efforts have foisted the notion upon women that anything can be considered abuse. Even having your feelings hurt. Yet men are expected to "suck it up". Women can be every bit as abusive, and manipulative as men. I have been in an abusive relationship, and while things never got physical, I lived with every other form of abuse for close to 6 years (off and on). The only reason I put up with ANY of it was for the sake of my daughter.

It is absolutely true that there is a stigma about males being the victims of domestic abuse. Believe me when I say that I could never talk to anyone about it when I was in that relationship. I felt as if I would be mocked, or told I was p***y whipped by other men. I kept quiet about it because I wanted to do the right thing for my child.

There should be a concerted effort by society to break that stigma, and it should start in the courts with child custody rulings. These laws were put in place to defend women of actual domestic violence, not empower the female psychopaths among us to use them to their own ends as a bargaining chip of power and control (and that is precisely what has happened). I have even heard of men being falsely accused of domestic violence just so their partners (or ex partners) can garnish the government for certain emergency funds available to women who actually need such assistance. Free rent, damage deposit, money for furniture, etc. All they have to do is claim they are fleeing domestic violence, with no investigation necessary.

Try applying for similar support as a man, and tell me how it goes (I know, I did). You will be laughed out of the building.

I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

originally posted by: cavtrooper7
I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

That is what society needs to come to understand. There is an entire demographic of men out there who go through similar things (if not physical abuse, than emotional, verbal, financial, etc). Men who were raised to never hit a woman, to treat a woman with respect, etc. They end up in situations where they become the victims, and for one reason or another (usually a child) they feel like they need to stay in that relationship.

It happens all the time, and I guarantee you the rates are far higher than statistics can show, because men simply don't talk about it.

a reply to: Anyafaj

On second thought I think I'm staying out of this one.

originally posted by: DeadSeraph
a reply to: Anyafaj

As you alluded to, it doesn't need to be physical to be abusive.

It's interesting to me that modern efforts have foisted the notion upon women that anything can be considered abuse. Even having your feelings hurt. Yet men are expected to "suck it up". Women can be every bit as abusive, and manipulative as men. I have been in an abusive relationship, and while things never got physical, I lived with every other form of abuse for close to 6 years (off and on). The only reason I put up with ANY of it was for the sake of my daughter.

It is absolutely true that there is a stigma about males being the victims of domestic abuse. Believe me when I say that I could never talk to anyone about it when I was in that relationship. I felt as if I would be mocked, or told I was p***y whipped by other men. I kept quiet about it because I wanted to do the right thing for my child.

There should be a concerted effort by society to break that stigma, and it should start in the courts with child custody rulings. These laws were put in place to defend women of actual domestic violence, not empower the female psychopaths among us to use them to their own ends as a bargaining chip of power and control (and that is precisely what has happened). I have even heard of men being falsely accused of domestic violence just so their partners (or ex partners) can garnish the government for certain emergency funds available to women who actually need such assistance. Free rent, damage deposit, money for furniture, etc. All they have to do is claim they are fleeing domestic violence, with no investigation necessary.

Try applying for similar support as a man, and tell me how it goes (I know, I did). You will be laughed out of the building.

I'm sorry you went through it as well. And, you're right. The government has no sympathy for men. But they should. My father went through a lot of emotional abuse with my birth mother. She was, and still is, paranoid schizophrenic. Thankfully hers was well documented so he got custody of us back in the 70's, when it was rare for a men to get custody of the kids. She was deemed an unfit parent. She was very physically abusive and emotionally abusive towards me. My baby sister and brother she was ok to. Me, I have the physical and emotional scars left from her though.

originally posted by: cavtrooper7
I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

You've deluded yourself into thinking the best you can do is to try to subdue? No, not so. If it takes more than that, then do so, your morals that put someone violent above you for the sake of gender be damned. I don't always agree with you, much less like you Cav, but this mindset is why I'm not for the standard "don't hit a girl" mindset. Eventually, being conditioned to not fight back might get you maimed, or worse.

There's a friend of mine who has a traumatic brain injury who had to deal with abuse from not only his wife, but his daughter as well. And every single time, they hit him in his head knowing it could kill him. He's finally out of that situation though.

women do some crazy stuff. it is expected that men take the higher ground because they tend to be more emotionally stable. thats why a woman slapping a man in a public place is a completely different thing than a man slapping a woman.

to the OP. check into a shrink. lack of self respect often leads to a victim mentality.

Modern Women are conditioned into some sort of false sense of importance. The day they realize they are just like everyone else and life doesn't owe them happiness is the day they start to recover.

originally posted by: Nyiah

originally posted by: cavtrooper7
I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

You've deluded yourself into thinking the best you can do is to try to subdue? No, not so. If it takes more than that, then do so, your morals that put someone violent above you for the sake of gender be damned. I don't always agree with you, much less like you Cav, but this mindset is why I'm not for the standard "don't hit a girl" mindset. Eventually, being conditioned to not fight back might get you maimed, or worse.

And the alternative is a night (or much more) in prison. When it's her word against yours, and hers is the law, you don't hit back. That simple. Think about that for a moment.

originally posted by: agenda51
women do some crazy stuff. it is expected that men take the higher ground because they tend to be more emotionally stable. thats why a woman slapping a man in a public place is a completely different thing than a man slapping a woman.

to the OP. check into a shrink. lack of self respect often leads to a victim mentality.

Modern Women are conditioned into some sort of false sense of importance. The day they realize they are just like everyone else and life doesn't owe them happiness is the day they start to recover.

I am seeing a therapist. She's a very sweet woman who's helping me to find me again. Thank you.

originally posted by: DeadSeraph

originally posted by: Nyiah

originally posted by: cavtrooper7
I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

You've deluded yourself into thinking the best you can do is to try to subdue? No, not so. If it takes more than that, then do so, your morals that put someone violent above you for the sake of gender be damned. I don't always agree with you, much less like you Cav, but this mindset is why I'm not for the standard "don't hit a girl" mindset. Eventually, being conditioned to not fight back might get you maimed, or worse.

And the alternative is a night (or much more) in prison. When it's her word against yours, and hers is the law, you don't hit back. That simple. Think about that for a moment.

Very true, I've noticed most cops take the woman's word over a man's and it can, and sometimes does, ruins a guys life.

originally posted by: DeadSeraph

originally posted by: Nyiah

originally posted by: cavtrooper7
I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

You've deluded yourself into thinking the best you can do is to try to subdue? No, not so. If it takes more than that, then do so, your morals that put someone violent above you for the sake of gender be damned. I don't always agree with you, much less like you Cav, but this mindset is why I'm not for the standard "don't hit a girl" mindset. Eventually, being conditioned to not fight back might get you maimed, or worse.

And the alternative is a night (or much more) in prison. When it's her word against yours, and hers is the law, you don't hit back. That simple. Think about that for a moment.

This is why more women need to speak up and say it's as ok for a guy to defend himself from a violent woman as it is for a woman to defend herself from a violent man. The stigma is bullchit. A violent person is violent, harm can come to either gender, defense should never be a shunned topic based on GENDER. it's stupid, and any person that argues about it & deflects any progress towards defense against grievous harm being acceptable all around is part of a problem that will otherwise never go away. Neither gender should suffer in silence just because it's socially acceptable.

originally posted by: Nyiah

originally posted by: DeadSeraph

originally posted by: Nyiah

originally posted by: cavtrooper7
I was abused with FRIGGIN Tie Kwon Do.
My personal VALUES wouldn't allow me to strike back all I could do was hang on to her wrists and block.

You've deluded yourself into thinking the best you can do is to try to subdue? No, not so. If it takes more than that, then do so, your morals that put someone violent above you for the sake of gender be damned. I don't always agree with you, much less like you Cav, but this mindset is why I'm not for the standard "don't hit a girl" mindset. Eventually, being conditioned to not fight back might get you maimed, or worse.

And the alternative is a night (or much more) in prison. When it's her word against yours, and hers is the law, you don't hit back. That simple. Think about that for a moment.

This is why more women need to speak up and say it's as ok for a guy to defend himself from a violent woman as it is for a woman to defend herself from a violent man. The stigma is bullchit. A violent person is violent, harm can come to either gender, defense should never be a shunned topic based on GENDER. it's stupid, and any person that argues about it & deflects any progress towards defense against grievous harm being acceptable all around is part of a problem that will otherwise never go away. Neither gender should suffer in silence just because it's socially acceptable.

I completely agree. My father used to know a guy he worked with as a prison guard years ago back when I was a baby that finally decided to tell one of his buddies what was actually happening. He'd come to work with new black eyes and such, and try to pass it off as if he'd received the damage from inmates. Eventually his coworkers figured out that wasn't the case, and he admitted his wife kicked his ass every night after work to one of his fellow guards. It got out among the CO's and he was considered a laughing stock until he shot himself.

a reply to: DeadSeraph

I've never felt fearful of a woman not in a physically violent way that is. Does that make me lucky or sexist? Honestly usually just a look can make a tough girl think otherwise. Though I don't engage in hitting or hurting those weaker either. But truthfully I know a woman can hurt you, in fact they are so very cut throat my soon to be x wife has her knife twisting in my chest right now and I can't seem to shake it. Abuse certainly doesn't have to be physical and boy did we abuse each other. I'm just trying to find my off switch because it seems like she's got a quantum entangled ability to just stop caring.

originally posted by: TechniXcality
a reply to: DeadSeraph

I've never felt fearful of a woman not in a physically violent way that is. Does that make me lucky or sexist?

Of course not. I've yet to meet a guy who puts the fear of god into me as well. it doesn't mean it won't happen, it just means it hasn't happened yet, and the same is true for women -- I haven't yet met one I truly fear to the bones yet. There's over 7 billion people on this planet, many of them confer with the darkest corners of their souls.

originally posted by: TechniXcality
a reply to: DeadSeraph

I've never felt fearful of a woman not in a physically violent way that is. Does that make me lucky or sexist? Honestly usually just a look can make a tough girl think otherwise. Though I don't engage in hitting or hurting those weaker either. But truthfully I know a woman can hurt you, in fact they are so very cut throat my soon to be x wife has her knife twisting in my chest right now and I can't seem to shake it. Abuse certainly doesn't have to be physical and boy did we abuse each other. I'm just trying to find my off switch because it seems like she's got a quantum entangled ability to just stop caring.

I was never afraid from a physical perspective, but I lived in fear from a psychological perspective. She threatened me with homelessness on more than one occasion, and having no savings, she was in a position to enforce it. I lived in a different kind of fear, and I still do, even though the relationship has ended. Mostly due to our shared child, and my concerns about her future.

Again, it isn't always physical, and even when it is, why should that matter? Some people endure abuse for a number of different reasons. You should never assume it's because the victim is worried about being physically overpowered.

originally posted by: DeadSeraph

originally posted by: TechniXcality
a reply to: DeadSeraph

I've never felt fearful of a woman not in a physically violent way that is. Does that make me lucky or sexist? Honestly usually just a look can make a tough girl think otherwise. Though I don't engage in hitting or hurting those weaker either. But truthfully I know a woman can hurt you, in fact they are so very cut throat my soon to be x wife has her knife twisting in my chest right now and I can't seem to shake it. Abuse certainly doesn't have to be physical and boy did we abuse each other. I'm just trying to find my off switch because it seems like she's got a quantum entangled ability to just stop caring.

I was never afraid from a physical perspective, but I lived in fear from a psychological perspective. She threatened me with homelessness on more than one occasion, and having no savings, she was in a position to enforce it. I lived in a different kind of fear, and I still do, even though the relationship has ended. Mostly due to our shared child, and my concerns about her future.

Again, it isn't always physical, and even when it is, why should that matter? Some people endure abuse for a number of different reasons. You should never assume it's because the victim is worried about being physically overpowered.

That was a fear I had to deal with. Homelessness. And after almost 20 years I had no choice but to deal with it. Thankfully my sister offered me a room at her house. Otherwise I would have been living I my car.

In my book, and how my pappy raised me, any man that is being physically abused (unwillingly of course ) by a woman, is no man at all. There is no such thing as emotional abuse. A real man just laughs it off. Only girly men can be emotionally abused by a woman. Simple solution, go bang her friend.

a reply to: Nyiah

My ex was raised in Korea,she grew up with the art and had that skill.
I had taken martial arts and was a scout ,1 shot could kill her ,she was not a larger person .
I broke a South Korean Para's face when I was drunk and lacked control.
I walked away from my first marriage with severe trust issues and she found a victim to manipulate.
I don't need to strike someone who isn't a military trained fighter or athlete, They would be severely injured if I would,I only need to redirect or block them.
If a weapon is used THAT CHANGES the whole deal and could be a kill if nesccessary. My reflexes wouldn't be stopped if I was surprised and THAT would ONLY be my PTSD.
I need not be a bully ,my ego doesn't need it and USUALLY most people don't try it when they look at me.
I can tell you one thing I have the vibe (and I don't want it) that bothers people from a distance I am a loner by nature my current wife was married to a child molester who screwed her and her daughter up, The daughter moved to England. She didn't like all my guns.