Need advice on coping with wife's suggestion of "same home" seperation...

Just to clear a bit up. She is not cheating. She does have " touch" issues, she looked me in the eyes and told me there is no one else and she is staying faithful to me. I believe her.
a reply to: Jomina

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

Glad to hear. Now that the most obvious issue is out of the way (probably). Where can we reconstruct our thesis's from here.

I'd say distance may be your best bet. Give her option a try and if it doesn't seem to work abandon it. regardless, just make sure to start protecting yourself as she is more aware of her feelings and may be doing so in private.

I wish i could be so optimistic, yet the reverse is true for me, more so because i am sensitive to her feelings. I just cannot honestly say i love her anymore. We were never a good fit but we did grow on one another over time, we created a life i would hate to destroy, its just im not happy.

I have come to many realizations over the course of a few weeks and I cannot see me continuing this shallow existence regardless of our 3 kids. I care about her greatly and respect her very much as she has come a long way from who she used to be. Im just afraid that breaking it off will not end so well as she is close minded and quick to temper.

I am torn and conflicted on all sides yet i cannot just yet tell her how i feel. I know she suspects something is afoot because i have had this huge disconnect with her for a long time. I'm amazed it lasted this long frankly almost 15 years.

So i can certainly understand her premise, and yours OP. I thought if you had a idea from the other side of the coin it might open up some insight.

Sometimes happiness dictates that we change things we have grown to complacent with over time. And a lie is nothing more than a cover for the truth, but is designed to save feelings and face.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

It's time for a skype conference!!!

a reply to: Antipathy17

we were best friends for 4 years before we got together. We've always been able to talk to each other and lines of communication have always remained open until now. she has become very emotional over the past week. that really isnt in her nature. sorry for the not so quick replies. Posting from mobile. for now I am giving her all the space that she needs. I'm trying to be more of the best friend and less of the husband.

"she looked me in the eyes and told me there is no one else"

Some of us in this forum have heard that one many times before, and believed it, only to find out years later that it was a complete and utter lie! Just because she "looked you in the eye" does not mean she told the truth.

I hope I'm wrong, but dont think people are incapable of lying, we can all do it when we need to. Maybe she thinks she's protecting you by doing so, do you think she might do that?

I tried that twice in a long term relationship but I only went cold on him first because of some of his actions, I found a picture in his pocket of his office's secretary (he was an estate agent, it was the 80's) standing in the works storage shed amongst the 'for sale' signs pulling up her skirt, bending down and showing her ass / underwear, he denied it, said it was for an office 'joke'. I never believed him and the relationship went cold.

Another time was a not so long term relationship, but were living together and he got a bit weird, acting strange and doing karate moves on me but pretending he was just practicing. Obviously veiled violence is unacceptable and that relationship went cold and it ended.

It could be that she just 'needs space' (but unlikely after all the time you have been together) but it could be she has found somebody else (I would say at least 50% chance) or something you did made her get cold on you.

You should look for clues instead of outright accusations. Does she text a lot, get mysterious calls, is there something she does more now than she used to, like going somewhere, or appears happier when she has to go somewhere, like she is happier there than with you, that would indicate she might be having feelings for someone else.

Another thing to consider is she might be going through something, physically, depending on age that affects her hormones and moods.

No. She has "tells". I know them...we're best friends! a reply to: VoidHawk

originally posted by: Expat888
Lawyer up and try to hold on to your assets .. she running around on you ..
Classic signs .. and with 13 ex-wives from experience she acting exactly the way the ones that cheated on me did.
Sorry to be bearer of bad news ..

I agree with many of the posts on both sides of this issue. Leave and cut ties is a reasonable response; protect you assets is a logical response; give space is an emotional response. Being one who has gone through this situation personally, you have my sympathy and statistically she has found someone else to be infatuated by. Whether it lasts or not depends, in part, by what you do now. To quote a phrase: If you love something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if it does not; it never was.

Peace to your heart.

originally posted by: Frank_Rizzo
No. She has "tells". I know them...we're best friends! a reply to: VoidHawk

I understand that, and if that is the direction you think it is going, then good. Stick with that and know it in your heart to be the truth.

The other posters have also said a few possibilities, and could very well be the thing going on.

She might have some kind of depression issue happening. If there has been diet changes, physical changes, anything along those lines, those can contribute to emotional health, as well. She could be exceedingly stressed out over the living situation, since you do have a house full.

There's a lot of possibilities, and, unfortunately, a lot of us look at the cheating issue first, because it tends to be THE issue in most cases like your situation. If you believe her and trust her, then take things from there.

If she needs space, sure, give it to her. Give her whatever she needs. But remember that she is not the only one in the relationship, and it would not hurt to remind her of that, as well. Don't break yourself trying to fix her, no matter how much you love her. I've been there, too.

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo

OP give her space, as we get older that space becomes vital. You being the touchy feely type of person is suffocating her along with everyone else in that household. But space in the same house seems moot. I don't know if you can afford it, but if you can rent her a place somewhere for a month or two, let her sort through her feelings. Absence makes the heart grow stronger if there is still love there. And if the love is gone, well you just have to let her go. There is nothing worse then a clingy begging partner when the relationship is done.
Good luck and I wish happiness and peace for you both.

originally posted by: Jomina

originally posted by: Frank_Rizzo
No. She has "tells". I know them...we're best friends! a reply to: VoidHawk

I understand that, and if that is the direction you think it is going, then good. Stick with that and know it in your heart to be the truth.

The other posters have also said a few possibilities, and could very well be the thing going on.

She might have some kind of depression issue happening. If there has been diet changes, physical changes, anything along those lines, those can contribute to emotional health, as well. She could be exceedingly stressed out over the living situation, since you do have a house full.

There's a lot of possibilities, and, unfortunately, a lot of us look at the cheating issue first, because it tends to be THE issue in most cases like your situation. If you believe her and trust her, then take things from there.

If she needs space, sure, give it to her. Give her whatever she needs. But remember that she is not the only one in the relationship, and it would not hurt to remind her of that, as well. Don't break yourself trying to fix her, no matter how much you love her. I've been there, too.

I posted something like this and my reply never made it lol.

Sorry to add another negative response but it does sound like there is someone else. And maybe it just has not gotten physical yet so she is able to look you in the eye and tell you what she thinks is the the "truth" that there isn't someone else.
I hope I am wrong as well but just going off my own personal exp. Had both the other person and the girl look me straight in the eye and tell me that there was nothing going on
Good luck tho man, it would be nice to see love prevail this day in age

a reply to: Frank_Rizzo
Menopause. Ask her to make a doctor's appointment for testing. Hormone levels and screening for diabetes, thyroid, and depression should be done. Between the ages of 40 and 55, women's bodies go through hell and it can mess with their emotions. A physical source for an emotional feeling will leave a person very confused and unable to answer questions about why they feel as the do, and may leave them doubting their own sanity.

Good luck.

originally posted by: Expat888
Lawyer up and try to hold on to your assets .. she running around on you ..
Classic signs .. and with 13 ex-wives from experience she acting exactly the way the ones that cheated on me did.
Sorry to be bearer of bad news ..

I'm sorry but although it's pretty blunt and to the point I think expat888 is right.

I know it hurts and really sucks because I have been though it myself but the sooner you move on and get things settles the sooner you can heal and start over.

Either way though whether she has found someone else (even though she denies it) or maybe she just doesn't love you anymore it sound like it's over.

Or you can string it along for months or years and give her "space" and see what happens.

The funny thing is you asking for advice on ATS. In these situations people do what they want to anyways so everyone's advice is wasted on matters of the heart.

I would run away and fast, living in the same house does not work, ive tried it, you dont want to be the rebound guy.

originally posted by: Expat888

.. and with 13 ex-wives ..

Wow, how is that even possible?

take the opportunity to disconnect from her or what you think she is, that is exactly what she is doing and could be very healthy. Each individual is one whole but we like to project others being the half. Its lovely to share love, but it easily turns in to something else due to convention and excessive give and take.Take an inward turn yourself and if the relationship is worthwhile it will stand up for itself. Best.

Going by the estimated age of your eldest......menopause?
Can change a woman completely!

Rainbows
Jane