How to begin? Where to look?

Originally posted by tetra50
Odd? Honey, I believe you probably have just tapped the surface. I don't think you are really scared of what anyone here might think, but to write it, is to face it, on your own. You came here, perhaps, to be in good company while you relived it.........

You will find support here, and castigation, as well. Pay no attention, is my advice,: take what you need to help, and disregard the rest. For it cannot live within you untold forever, common sense suspended, replaced, or present at all.

At least for my part, I am not here to judge, but to seek knowledge, and affirm and reaffirm, for this is the scret to living in this hell, where otherwise we would be lost and/or overcome by it..... Some are here to judge. Some are here to share. Some are here to create and foment judgement. And some are just here, cause they were given no choice to be anywhere else, and struggle to retain something of their true selves, even through the vast manipulative seaa of apparent "opinion" and individual judgement......

Take care, and I mean this in no codespeak. Please, take care of yourself. Share what you will, and be healthier for it, I hope..
Welcom, for my part.
Tetra50

Wow! You really hit the nail on that one! No, I don't really care what others think, I am just fighting an internal battle about what or if to write. I had a lot of free time today and did a lot of thinking...somehow I ended up here telling a bunch of strangers things I am both fascinated with and scared to death.

Your words touched me. I believe I am an honest and fair person but putting it out there is strangely intimidating. I have no idea what has happened to me and maybe, just maybe, I am hoping someone can make everything become clearer and help me to make more sense. I guess I am a bit selfish with my story because it's personal to me and I am guilty of rolling my eyes every once in a while and scoffing at tales of mysterious origin. I know I shouldn't do that and it is something I am working on.

Again, thank you for giving me great advice. I have only scratched the surface and, to be honest, there's a lot I still can't talk about. I know I have to be careful but I felt strongly about writing today.

Mal

I am hoping someone can make everything become clearer and help me to make more sense. I guess I am a bit selfish with my story because it's personal to me and I am guilty of rolling my eyes every once in a while and scoffing at tales of mysterious origin. I know I shouldn't do that and it is something I am working on.

Again, thank you for giving me great advice. I have only scratched the surface and, to be honest, there's a lot I still can't talk about. I know I have to be careful but I felt strongly about writing today.

Mal

reply to post by Malraux



I am familiar, intimately with everything you write here and all the emotional paradoxes contained within. Do I want to share it, and risk being branded, perhaps, crazy....and at the same time, it's my story, do I want to give it up and provide a way for someone else to claim it, when I've lived it?

You are not talking to a stranger here.......

I encourage you to share such as you need to, to find some peace. For holding it in, will eventually be more destructive in the long run. However, I understand completely not wanting to let go of details so someone else can assume your experience and therefore, identity. And this is a real thing, I assure you. So, keep some details to yourself, that no one could ever know but you, unless they had a line into your mind....and that, my lovely, is its own thread, assessment, and extrapolation, here, on this site. Not so far-fetched......but doing what I describe is part of how we PROVE such things......and is part and parcel, I believe, as to what you describe happening to you, just so far.....
Private message me anytime you wish. I am here for you, and I think you will find others here, who are, too.

ETA: We are living an artificial existence, in my estimation, and are forced, therefore, here (wherever here truly is) to actually compete for our own life experiences and validation of them.....while trying to dodge being blame4d by "everything being connected...." which is just another way of saying, you might be tagged as to the blame for this or that.....It is the destruction of humanity as a whole, and individuality at the core.....but, what do I know....

Still have some free time, so...

These experiences haven't just been something only I have witnessed. One very strange and crazy ordeal happened with my best friend...for whatever reason, even thinking and remembering this particular non-event makes me horribly nauseous. In 2004, my best friend and I decided to take a trip without hubbies and little kids. She and I rented a quiet, quaint little beach cottage near Dungloe, Ireland in County Donegal. Neither of us had been to Ireland and, since my family origins are from Donegal, I thought it would be perfect. We spent 16 days in Ireland, 12 of them on Cruitt Island enjoying the peace and beauty of Ireland in the fall. Nothing seemed out of the way; we made a few friends and toured the countryside like absolute tourists. We aren't drinkers but we enjoyed getting to know the local people.

Almost 2 years after our trip, I began to have this weird, upset feeling when I looked at a book my friend had made for me that included photos of our trip, as well as a few anecdotes. I couldn't shake it but chalked it up to my ever growing weirdness without a lot of thought. Sometime, not long after that feeling, I mentioned to my best friend that I felt strange about the trip. She grew very quiet and told me she had something to tell me.

It seems that there are 2 days missing from her journal. My friend is a micro-journalist with journals, notebooks, and little personal calendars loaded with minutia about every moment of every moment. She had even purchased a brand new journal for the trip and had written on the plane, at our first hotel, and even about every meal we had eaten. But there were 2 days where she had not written a word and she told me that she, in her own strange way, had tried to ignore it. She especially didn't want to mention it to me and wouldn't have if I hadn't said something.

That might seem silly. Maybe she didn't journal those days? Maybe. But she has journaled for 30 years, meticulously with copious amounts of non-material. I don't recall anything strange other than feeling very tired a few days and not getting up until midday. But, hey, I was on vacation and my best friend was there to enjoy. Unfortunately, when I now remember that vacation, I feel sick and a bit foggy if I try to envision it in great detail.

Mal,
as a fellow lurker, i wanted to encourage you that after reading many,many posts about peoples "accounts/stories" on this wonderful site, I really appreciate the way you write.
In my observation, you are extremely concise with your recollections without a lot of unnecessary descriptions and rabbit trails, and certainly not drawing conclusions about what things might mean, or how incidents fit together.
You just lay out the scene for what you remember and that let's the readers analyze it more objectively.Thank you for that.

Well, I for one am quite interested in your experiences. Have you considered contacting an experienced hypnotherapist as someone else here suggested? It could help you uncover the missing time. It sounds like a classic abduction case so far. I am intrigued.

Hi Malraux,I read your thread's first page,or most of it,last night-just wanted to ask-before you joined the military,do you have any strange memories from childhood,surreal things,inexplicable? Strange dreams,ever,especially with concurring marks on your body when waking,you know like a procedure being done on your arm in a dream with weird futuristic-looking medical/tech devices-and then awaken with a mark or physical pain in that part of your anatomy that was worked on in the dream? Stuff like that,especially also paranormal-seeming events surrounding you and/or members of your family or your home.

If you can honestly recall no events or situations out of the ordinary,no high strangeness,no inexplicable irregularities,etc I would look at the possibility that this is related to your service in the military.
My apologies if you already touched on the questions I asked,I will come back to this thread later+start reading where I left off.
And s+f for you.For talking about this even if its uncomfortable for you.You did nothing wrong-and you have every right to discuss these matters,its Your life here,this site caters for topics like these,so at your own pace that's comfy for You,and no one else,bring here what puzzles you.

Originally posted by Xzorter
Mal,
as a fellow lurker, i wanted to encourage you that after reading many,many posts about peoples "accounts/stories" on this wonderful site, I really appreciate the way you write.
In my observation, you are extremely concise with your recollections without a lot of unnecessary descriptions and rabbit trails, and certainly not drawing conclusions about what things might mean, or how incidents fit together.
You just lay out the scene for what you remember and that let's the readers analyze it more objectively.Thank you for that.

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I was shaking like a leaf yesterday while writing those posts! I don't even have a Facebook page and my kids have smart phones while mine is from 2008 and I still have 2 upgrades!
(I'm trying to say...probably a bit loserly...is that I am far from an info sharer and writing that stuff down was out of ordinary for me.)

I appreciate that I've got no suggestions to a nuthouse...a therapist or two and, as far as not adding ostentatious details....well, I wish I could. Sometimes I try to envision story lines but I know it's my imagination and not the truth. I would like to meet with a quality hypnotherapist but because of privacy issues and my paranoia.....I'm no longer in the service but my husband is retired and now has a job where a crazy wife doesn't fit the picture....I get a bit weirded out. Of course I have shared my story with a few people but those people can be counted on one hand! Only one member of my family, besides my husband (who has a hard time discussing this with me. He wants to say "fix it and/or forget it.) knows about what has happened. Except.....

While I was writing to you, I was searching my memory for anyone I might have told anything to and I remembered telling my mother in a car about something. That was odd. My mother and I are not close and I haven't spoken to her for many years.......wow! I would swear I've only told my one sister but I'm fuzzy again!

Talk about therapy!

Originally posted by Raxoxane
Hi Malraux,I read your thread's first page,or most of it,last night-just wanted to ask-before you joined the military,do you have any strange memories from childhood,surreal things,inexplicable? Strange dreams,ever,especially with concurring marks on your body when waking,you know like a procedure being done on your arm in a dream with weird futuristic-looking medical/tech devices-and then awaken with a mark or physical pain in that part of your anatomy that was worked on in the dream? Stuff like that,especially also paranormal-seeming events surrounding you and/or members of your family or your home.

If you can honestly recall no events or situations out of the ordinary,no high strangeness,no inexplicable irregularities,etc I would look at the possibility that this is related to your service in the military.
My apologies if you already touched on the questions I asked,I will come back to this thread later+start reading where I left off.
And s+f for you.For talking about this even if its uncomfortable for you.You did nothing wrong-and you have every right to discuss these matters,its Your life here,this site caters for topics like these,so at your own pace that's comfy for You,and no one else,bring here what puzzles you.

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I think I had some experiences during my childhood but they are foggy, as well. While writing to another member, I had this odd memory of talking to my mother about this many years before. I can't believe I would, though because she is extremely religious and wouldn't understand. But I sort of remember being in an old car we had when I was a kid....I have a headache on that one! Of course, my mother always bragged about fighting off demons while she sleeps...so maybe I'm cursed to be crazy!

I apologize for using this as a diary of sorts but I thought I would post three more strange occurrences. These are recent and well, I have a bit more info.

I recently attended my 20th high school reunion in Bristol, TN. It was held at a hotel and I arrived the day before to set things up. The night of the reunion, there was a military wedding held at the hotel and there was a lot of uniformed personnel in the hotel. So, following the reunion, we decided to go visit a bar that we used to sneak into as kids. I was one of drivers and it took about 35 min to get there....of course, it was late and took too long but I wasn't snockered out of my mind, so what did I know? Lol Everything was fine and nothing unusual until my best friend from school and I went outside to listen to a band play. Out of no where, this military guy comes and stands next to us and asks if I am from Ft Campbell. Ok, I am hours from home but we can run into people, right? The weird thing was that his rank was on oddly (dress uniform) and everything was out of place. He was a Chief Warrant 3 but he had a set of Sergeant stripes (e-5) on his sleeves..but they looked like marine type stripes made into army stripes. My best friend is a Major and her husband is a LTC, so she noticed it, too but didn't say anything...why? She should have torn him a new one for being out of uniform since she is such a stickler as she should be. We just acted befuzzled and he asked a few more questions then we left....which I seemed to be fine with but don't remember.

Upon getting back to the hotel, guess who had a room next to me? He just sort of waved and went into his room about 2 a.m. I tried to sleep but felt creepy and woke up nervous a couple of hours later, sweating and with a bad headache. . I left as soon as I woke up.

My friend says that she sort of remembers seeing a man talking to us but she remembered he had on a flight suit. I KNOW he had on dress but she said she had drank a lot and couldn't really remember. She didn't, however. Both she and I were driving and neither of us are drinkers.

Nothing too odd except the man was acting weird and seemed to know me 6 hours away from post. There are many Warrant Officers stationed at FC, but why was he at the hotel and the bar and why did he just look so strange? I remember my friend and me saying that he looked like a guy in the movies where they just throw rank and ribbons on haphazardly until they think it looks like it fits, although he was definitely not wearing a flight suit.

Weird.

I was going to post two more very recent events but I will have to that later.

Thanks your input!

Had some more time and thought I would abuse your senses a bit more.

Two other episodes come to mind that I feel comfortable discussing. Just like everything else, I can only tell you what I know but this incident ended up being both creepy and a bit funny.

We had just recently moved to our new home in FL after my husband separated from the military when something else weird began to happen.In the master bedroom bathroom, there is a regular faucet..kind of goosenecked...that has the brand of the faucet stuck down on it with adhesive, almost like a heavy duty sticker. Everywhere we went, this sticker...for lack of a better word....kept showing up. We would find it, replace it, then start over until I decided to keep it off the faucet and laid it on an old soap dish that hung beneath the bathroom mirror and cabinet.Still it showed up in the bed, in my husband's truck, in the driveway,in my kids' backpacks. By the fiftieth time finding it, I threw it in the trash.

About a week later, I was at the local mall when this older lady comes up to me and says: "Aren't you pretty? You look a lot better with a little more weight." I didn't really consider this that odd...maybe she had confused me with someone else...until she grabbed my hand and put something in it.

Guess what it was? The sticker from the faucet.

I just stood there, stunned with growing fog. I know I should have asked a lot of questions but this is another event that makes me feel nauseous when I try to think about it.i guess we talked more, I'm not sure, but I think I just took it and went on about my business.

The next incident can really be broken down into two but the second wouldn't make as much sense without the details of the first.

A few months ago, I called my friend after getting the boys to school. I felt fine except for a headache but she seemed strange once I started talking to her. After a few minutes she told me "we have already had this conversation this morning." I thought she was trying to be funny but she swore that I had called her about 15 min prior and talked to her for a few minutes before my doorbell rang. Evidently, my 145 pound dog...and this is important...was going nuts. She asked who it was and I told her it looked like guy who was completing a background check on my neighbor. Then, I told her I had to go and hung up.

Like I said, I first thought she was playing some unfunny prank but I knew she was serious when my husband rushed home from work to see if I was ok. I assured them nothing was wrong but, sure enough, there was her number on recently dialed. I started crying for some reason and told her that I didn't want to talk. My husband was freaked out but I assured him I was fine. My friend calls it my " MIB flasy-thingey" moment but it seems so unreal to me.

A couple of weeks later, I was repeating my morning schedule, talking to my friend, getting the chores completed when we started talking about the incident. I hadn't allowed myself to think about it much but, for some reason, that morning I felt ok about it. No sooner had we started to talk about it when my dog's hair stood up and she ran out of the sun room to the front door, snarling and barking like crazy. Then, the doorbell rang, which gave me goosebumps, even though doorbells ring all the time. My friend was still on the phone and she told me to stay on the line..overreacting much to a doorbell? which I did, even though I wanted to tell her I had to get off the line.

Trying to open the door was strange in itself. My big, fat sweet dog turned Cujo and kept jumping in front of me. At the door was an elderly lady, late 70s, with white hair set in an older lady way. She had on a slightly padded pant suit that was cream colored with gaudy, gold thread trimming. She wore a lot of jewelry and had on a lot of that orangey pancake makeup. I was polite and asked her what she needed. She told me that she was looking for the commissary..the military version of grocery store...and needed directions. Since I was nowhere.near a commissary, it was strange that she would even think of asking me. She had a pretty thick accent; I thought German but my friend on the phone swore it was Indian. I gave her directions...which still made me wonder why did she pick me to ask...but she didn't seem to listen. And here is the realllly strange part...

My huge dog was just snarling and barking, so much so that I was having a hard time getting her back from the door. The old lady did not pay any attention. She tried to shoulder in kept saying she just wanted to come in for a bit to rest. I couldn't believe it but was glad my friend was still on the phone. I finally got her out of the house. When I looked outside right after that, I didn't see her or any vehicle.

Ok, so maybe this old lady was just senile and a very quick walker...who knows? It was the first time that someone else had witnessed something bizarre alongside me and still is creepy.

You've captivated me, at least, and I find this to fit the definition of "high strangeness," pretty well.

I am waiting for more, as I am sure there is much more inside you, which were you to fully confront it, would probably come very close to "unhinging" you from the matrix we consider to be reality, on the surface, but which some of us know is only and just that: a matrix, a perhaps holographic projection to keep us sane and going about our daily lives, while the reality really is, well, something quite different......

I honestly got some chills down my spine, as I read some of your entries herein. They seem, also, to be striking some chords of memory for me, as well, that I have suppressed just as you describe, because I sense I must somehow remain tethered to the illusion, in order to go on.

You have my complete and full support in delving, further, if that helps any.....perhaps as you approach this journey, and delve further into your "mind's eye," and real experience, there are those of us here who can help you stay tethered to sanity.
U2U me anytime, if I can be of service, in this endeavor, while you dig deeper into what didn't feel safe, previously, to think too much about.

I note that as you confront the reality of many of these experiences, and deal with them, "head on," so to speak,
you experience headaches.....I find this interesting because it makes me wonder if the pain is induced to get you to not think too much, via reward and pain systematic training like Pavlov's Dog, or, if it's simply a psychosomatic response within your own body mind connection, when confrontation and too much thinking about it, is dangerous for you in remaining "tethered," as I spoke of before.....fascinating. And sad, very, very sad. And how welll I know and am intimately familiar with this experience of wherever we are.

BTW, as to the military uniforms in the movies, I think there is an actual edict that they must be out of place in symbology and markings, to differentiate when it is "real" military, or simply a wardrobe for production. Interesting, even that, just to contemplate.....as I have long believed there are at least two of everything, every entity, and everyone, here, at the same time.
Sincerely,
tetra50

reply to post by tetra50

Tetra50 I thought that was a wonderful reply


@MALRAUX-i came back to start reading where I left off-and I see you did indeed have inexplicable+strange childhood experiences,well lemme read on-this is a most interesting thread

Raxoxane
reply to post by tetra50

 

Tetra50 I thought that was a wonderful reply

@MALRAUX-i came back to start reading where I left off-and I see you did indeed have inexplicable+strange childhood experiences,well lemme read on-this is a most interesting thread

Thanks so much. Every bit of it was true and from the heart, purely.....
I sense you probably know that. These experiences from this member are ringing all my bells, and I understand, precisely, why it was difficult for this person to look at it in the light of day, so to speak
thanks again.
Tetra

Tetra50: you are really awesome! I don't care if anyone reads this thread, all that matters is that it was written. I don't know how to pm....or whatever it is called...but if I did! Lol

Malraux
Tetra50: you are really awesome! I don't care if anyone reads this thread, all that matters is that it was written. I don't know how to pm....or whatever it is called...but if I did! Lol

go up to the envelope icon on the right on your screen. click it, and fill in the name you want to message, and have at it.

You have touched me, for true.
Thanks.
Tetra

I am loving following this thread and Im not surprised it is starting to ring some bells for others. I had mentioned earlier that I thought it might.

I find the headaches interesting as well. It seems every time something is about to happen you seem to get them.

I am curious as to just what the tag was that kept turning up. I mean the actual name of it. Might or might not be a clue, never know.

Did the lady ever actually get into your house before you got her out? I find it odd she would try with a dog that clearly didnt want her in.

I also wonder how much weight can be given to your mom fighting her own demons... Perhaps her way of saying something....???

Have you ever asked your kids if they have had any unusual moments they may not of mentioned to you???

Sorry for all the questions, I am just intrigued.

onehuman
I am loving following this thread and Im not surprised it is starting to ring some bells for others. I had mentioned earlier that I thought it might.

I find the headaches interesting as well. It seems every time something is about to happen you seem to get them.

I am curious as to just what the tag was that kept turning up. I mean the actual name of it. Might or might not be a clue, never know.

Did the lady ever actually get into your house before you got her out? I find it odd she would try with a dog that clearly didnt want her in.

I also wonder how much weight can be given to your mom fighting her own demons... Perhaps her way of saying something....???

Have you ever asked your kids if they have had any unusual moments they may not of mentioned to you???

Sorry for all the questions, I am just intrigued.

In my own experience, it can be a headache or something else, just as long as it is a negative experience for you, so you stop doing or thinking whatever you are at the time.

I wonder, as well, about her children and their perceptions, and her husband.

Funny (not realy, I mean strange), how we can live this way for a very long time, and not face it ourselves, so we never ask those we share day to day life with about it, either. We all just go merrily or not so merrily along....getting up each morning, and continuing on....for what else are we to do?
Tetra

reply to post by tetra50


I noticed you had mention that your bells were starting to ring. Are you going to share anything that has come to mind because of this thread? Be interesting to see what connection there may be. At least I hope you decide to share. I dont think the OP would mind and she might also find it a bit more supportive as well.

The good news is the trolls havent shown up yet.

onehuman
reply to post by tetra50

 

I noticed you had mention that your bells were starting to ring. Are you going to share anything that has come to mind because of this thread? Be interesting to see what connection there may be. At least I hope you decide to share. I dont think the OP would mind and she might also find it a bit more supportive as well.

The good news is the trolls havent shown up yet.

absolutely...this is always good news.

For my part, I have done some sharing on this website already, as I felt comfortable to do so, just as the author of this thread, which is why I was able to understand what she/he was saying, easily, about "being comfortable," and trying to look at things long held within......

Perhaps, tho, at some point I might have something to share. I've shared a lot via private messages with certain members, some welcomed the influx and some did not. It happened as it did, because someone probed, and it struck a chord and I responded and went with the moment, so to speak....

Part of my reticence is not wanting to alienate anyone.
Appreciate your reply.
Tetra

reply to post by tetra50


By all means feel free to share with my privately if you wish. I love this sort of thing and love digging into them to see if anything can be discovered or solved. I am also somewhat "sensitive" so maybe that can come into play as well to help or whatever.

Could you possibly post a link to some of what you have shared on here?