Parenting 101: how to instill respect for others.

reply to post by BO XIAN


I might agree with some of the things you say but............

The world has been doing fine,for thousands of years,before we had a pill for every problem,or before we had a DOCTOR with advice for every problem.

Sorry,but Thats how I see it. All the clinical mumbo jumbo,doesn't help to raise a teenager."Common sense" does,and so do morals and principles instilled at an early age.

reply to post by Annee



Here's a great article for parents with toddlers . . . and other young children but really . . . the point is good for any age . . .

online.wsj.com...

WHY FRENCH PARENTS ARE SUPERIOR

Great about delayed gratification.

Revisits the marshmellow experiment designed by Walter Mischel.

He would put a marshmellow on the child's desk in a room.

The child would be brought in. He'd tell the child that if the marshmellow was still there when he cam back, he would get TWO marshmellows.

It turned out that children who had learned to wait--had a great deal more success in life and relationships on a list of measures, than those who had not.

reply to post by BO XIAN

Originally posted by BO XIAN
reply to post by TheRedneck

 

Wellllllllllllllllllll

THE TIME TO FIX

TEENAGE PROBLEMS

IS

AGES 0-6!

You will get no argument from me!

I started disciplining my children at age 1. That's between 12 and 24 months, for those of you who are thinking "That has to be a typo". I spanked both of them at that age. The key is that when I say I spanked a one-year-old, I do not mean I reared back with a paddle and hit them in the buttinsky with everything I had. I mean I scolded them and spatted them on the buttinsky with my hand just enough to reinforce "That is a bad thing; don't do it again".

That is discipline.

Now there was one time when my son got a serious spanking... but his actions required it. He was more headstrong than his sister, and needed more correction. Never did I "enjoy" doing that to either of them; in fact, I finally really, truly understood what my Dad meant when he made the statement "This is going to hurt me more than it does you".

I thought the man was going senile at the time, but he was right. I'd rather have fought a rabid circlesaw with only a toothbrush.

I know there are parents out there, far too many of them actually, that do abuse their children. But it has been my experience that the majority of those who abuse their children do not do so physically; they do so mentally. I don't mean they shoot laptops; that strikes me more as a last-ditch effort at discipline considering his opening statement. I mean they tell their children they are worthless; I mean they ignore their children when they need help; I mean they belittle their children openly just for the pleasure of embarrassing them; I mean they pick one child who is always "perfect" and another who is always "bad".

That causes deeper wounds and more prevalent scars than any amount of physical punishment could ever do.

Ironically, I believe we have fostered an environment that encourages this type of problem. By convincing young parents through 'expert' opinion that all physical discipline is bad, children make it through this extremely vital stage of life without a spanking. Inappropriate behavior has been reinforced in their mind to the point that it will now be difficult to break that habit of just doing/taking whatever they want with no thought to consequences. So when the spankings are resorted to, it is typically too late and instead of a quick spat, it is now a beating! That beating, unreinforced in early life, is interpreted now as abuse and begins to form the negative impressions you mention.

By encouraging parents to not discipline their children, these experts have actually increased the amount of abuse children receive from parents!

I need to repeat that:

By encouraging parents to not discipline their children, these experts have actually increased the amount of abuse children receive from parents!

Your thoughts?

TheRedneck

Originally posted by BO XIAN
Depends . . . yes and no.

My parents adopted a baby girl when I was 10. And mother insisted I have a huge part in her child-care so I'd be a good father and hubby. That included 2:00 AM feedings and lots of diapers etc.

I think more, it depends on the degree of EMPATHY--the capacity to put one's self in another's skin.

That's important too.

I can tell you the hardest part of parenting is making decisions.

You reward - you discipline - you teach - you let them learn then grow a little - then shorten the leash again - then repeat. When - how much - etc etc.

It is the every day decisions that are the hard part. And if you aren't "in the hot seat (parent)" every day making those decisions - - often in seconds - - you just don't really grasp it.

reply to post by sonnny1

."Common sense" does,and so do morals and principles instilled at an early age.

Hmmmmmmm . . . and how is it that children learn

morals, principles, common sense even

UNLESS the parent models such well in an EMOTIONALLY BONDED/CONNECTED, CONGRUENT RELATIONSHIP.

BTW, about 40 years or so ago, there was a study of all the other studies up to that point in time.

The goal was to find out what made a lasting difference in terms of success as adults as a function of child rearing practices.

They studied everything . . . socio-economics, family size; IQ of parents, of kids; style of discipline; types of discipline; affection; food; quality of house; etc. etc. etc.

They defined SUCCESS AS AN ADULT AS:

1. A stable job record.
2. A stable marriage record.
3. Never on welfare.
4. Never in trouble with the law.

There was ONE factor in child rearing that accounted for 80% of the success as adults.

See if you can guess what that one factor was. 80% is a huge amount of variance to be accounted for by ONE factor.

I didn't mention above but need to. . .

Parenting has been defined in the following categories . . .

1. Authoritarian
--parents impose rules and expect obedience "Because I said so." Rebellion is often to "always" a result.

2. Authoritative
--Parents are both demanding AND RESPONSIVE. The exert control by setting rules and enforcing them but they also explain the reasons for the boundaries. And for older children they encourage discussion and allow some exceptions when fitting.

3. Permissive--Laisez Faire--lax, few if any rules
--Parents submit to their children's desires. The outcome from such parenting is usually greatly sad.

The research is clear.

Children with the highest self-esteem, self-reliance, and social competence tend to come from homes where the parents were authoritaTIVE parents who were warm and interested in their kids welfare on a consistent basis.

Soooooooo What did you guess was the one thing about childrearing that accounted for 80% of success as an adult?

No. It wasn't even WHETHER the child was LOVED, or not.

It was WHETHER THE CHILD FELT LOVED, or not.

That can be a big difference.

I knew in my head my mother loved me. She'd have died for me. I rarely FELT loved by her.

Turns out that one issue has a huge impact.

reply to post by Annee



I could readily agree with you. But where'd the fun be then! LOL.

Certainly being 24/7 on the hotseat requires a resilience and capacity to think quickly on one's feet in the midst of being exhausted and a 100 other things . . . that is astounding, imho.

And, I had a vasectomy because I was not about to visit on my children any of my familiy's historical craziness. Then when my wife decided to marry her co-worker--I was super glad of that decision. I don't think I could have handled divorce with children.

Nevertheless, I've been in some of those parenting role situations for extended times . . . 24/7 ON in real nitty gritty terms. It was certainly exhausting. Neverhtheless, the kids and I came out unscathed and closer than even going into it. YEA. PTL.

24/7/365 for 18 plus years?

Better you than me. LOL.

reply to post by TheRedneck

I AGREE WITH YOU

100%

ENTIRELY

AMEN

CONGRATS.

I would add . . . spanking a kid because one hasn't bothered to take the time to teach, lead, model, train

is still abuse even if it's not that hard, imho.

And, if spanking tends to have to be frequent . . . then the parent needs to try something else. It's NOT working.

And it doesn't work with some kids.

Originally posted by BO XIAN
I could readily agree with you. But where'd the fun be then! LOL.

Certainly being 24/7 on the hotseat requires a resilience and capacity to think quickly on one's feet in the midst of being exhausted and a 100 other things . . . that is astounding, imho.

LOL - fun is better.

Yes - I know about the family inherited craziness. I come from a long line of what I call "Brilliant Idiots". There's this strong independent streak that runs in our blood. Very high IQs but they end up being truck drivers because they won't play the "fit into society game". Doing my genealogy - - almost every ancestor had their own business - - but they were all poor - - because integrity was more important then money. Guess its that strong German work ethic thing. Sometimes you have to be a little bit self centered to take care of your own. Plus there were some bi-polar issues.

You have already lost it when you "demand respect". That is nothing more than demanding someone into behaving in a specific way. If that is what you are after, then just call it that.

The word "respect" means; from latin respectus, lit."act of looking back at one," re-; back or once more, again and specere - look at, see. (spectacular, spectacles, spectrum; to name a few related words).

Re-spect is the act of seeing oneself reflected back from another.

You want respect? You always get it. Don't like what you get? There is no point in blaming the mirror for the image that you see. What you give is what you get.

Respect is earned not given anyway.

Originally posted by BO XIAN
reply to post by TheRedneck

 

Wellllllllllllllllllll

THE TIME TO FIX

TEENAGE PROBLEMS

IS

AGES 0-6!

My turn . . .

as a childless PhD in Clinical Psych.

Here's a great article:

teacher.scholastic.com...

"Bonding and Attachment in Maltreated Children: Consequences of Emotional Neglect in Childhood

by Dr Bruce Perry MD, PhD

Introduction

. . .

Each individual's ability to form and maintain relationships using this "emotional glue" is different. Some people seem "naturally" capable of loving. They form numerous intimate and caring relationships and, in doing so, get pleasure. Others are not so lucky. They feel no "pull" to form intimate relationships, find little pleasure in being with or close to others. They have few, if any, friends, and more distant, less emotional glue with family. In extreme cases an individual may have no intact emotional bond to any other person. They are self-absorbed, aloof, or may even present with classic neuropsychiatric signs of being schizoid or autistic.

The capacity and desire to form emotional relationships is related to the organization and functioning of specific parts of the human brain. Just as the brain allows us to see, smell, taste, think, talk, and move, it is the organ that allows us to love — or not. The systems in the human brain that allow us to form and maintain emotional relationships develop during infancy and the first years of life. Experiences during this early vulnerable period of life are critical to shaping the capacity to form intimate and emotionally healthy relationships. Empathy, caring, sharing, inhibition of aggression, capacity to love, and a host of other characteristics of a healthy, happy, and productive person are related to the core attachment capabilities which are formed in infancy and early childhood.

. . .

What is attachment?

Well, it depends. The word "attachment" is used frequently by mental health, child development, and child protection workers but it has slightly different meanings in these different contexts. The first thing to know is that we humans create many kinds of "bonds." A bond is a connection between one person and another. In the field of infant development, attachment refers to a special bond characterized by the unique qualities of maternal-infant or primary caregiver-infant relationships. The attachment bond has several key elements: (1) an attachment bond is an enduring emotional relationship with a specific person; (2) the relationship brings safety, comfort, and pleasure; (3) loss or threat of loss of the person evokes intense distress. This special form of relationship is best characterized by the maternal-child relationship. As we study the nature of these special relationships, we are finding out about how important they can be for the future development of the child. Indeed, many researchers and clinicians feel that the maternal-child attachment provides the working framework for all subsequent relationships that the child will develop. A solid and healthy attachment with a primary caregiver appears to be associated with a high probability of healthy relationships with others, while poor attachment with the mother or primary caregiver appears to be associated with a host of emotional and behavioral problems later in life.

. . .

Online booklet on same topic by same Doc:

childtraumaacademy.org...

A list of his articles at the teacher's site:

www.scholastic.com... Bruce Perry

The Impact of Abuse and Neglect on the Developing Brain:

www.scholastic.com...

Basically . . . all of us with significant degrees of Attachment Disorder are somewhat brain damaged in the areas of the brain involved with emotional attachment and relationships.

That can take a lot of work to overcome and result in mangled relationships one's whole life unless dealt with successfully and overcomingly.

Supporting Maltreated Children: Countering the Effects of Neglect and Abuse

www.nacac.org...

=========================================

It appears highly likely that Dad had serious Attachment problems and passed on the favor to daughter.

CONTINUED NEXT POST
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ure right about 1-6 being the most important years. thats when the most programming happens. A jesuit said if u gave him a child for the first 6 years of his life he'd belong to the church fore

Parenting is absolutely life's toughest job and most people are doing their best based on their own perceptions of right and wrong.

That being said, I found this man's video absolutely appalling and I fervently hope that Child Protective Services pays him a visit.

I have always treated my children, now 13, as I wish to be treated, and consistently throughout the years their teachers referred to them as the most polite children in class.

Children need guidance. They also deserve to be cherished. I am very sad for this man. He has raised a very troubled family and likely alienated his child, life's most precious gift, forever.

Originally posted by Reaching
That being said, I found this man's video absolutely appalling and I fervently hope that Child Protective Services pays him a visit.

In what way was his daughter threatened?

Personally - I hope it scared the hell out of her.

reply to post by TheRedneck


I think this video is the best one I've ever seen in my whole life FANTASTIC, BRILLIANT, SIMPLY THE BEST and it's about time too.

YOU GOT ANY BRAINS - SPREAD THE WORD PARENTS!!!!

Thank you so much Op - if I could give you 100 stars - they'd be yours ****************************************************************************************************************************************************** *************************************************************************************************************************

WHOOOOOPI ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!!!

reply to post by Annee


Why would you want your kid to be afraid of you?

Fear isn't respect
Fear isn't love

Why be a Joe Stalin like parent?

reply to post by Reaching


SHSHSHSHSHSH SHUSH - You've got it all to come to and Thank the good lord if you don't but wait till your Grand kids come along.

If my kid were bitching about me I'd want them to talk to me about it. I wouldn't get mad and shoot a laptop....that's just immature/stupid and doesn't solve the issue. Maybe if the guy would let his daughter have free thought then she wouldn't have to bottle up her anger and let it out through facebook. There's a serious parenting issue here...and its just because the guy is a jerk and doesn't care about his daughters emotions. I hope she can move out at 18 for her own emotional well being.

reply to post by Annee



Can readily identify . . .

And they all . . . seemed to DEMAND RESPECT

not realizing it has to be EARNED--regardless of the nature of the relationship.

One can DEMAND with mixed success, that folks ACT respectful . . . that's NOT the same thing! LOL.

Yeah, my Mother's ancestry was German . . . Her mother Scottish. . . . I also have Irish, a couple of Oklahoma Native American tribes . . . Middle Eastern something . . . etc.

Lots of strong willed bull-headedness. And a lot of brilliance and sensitivity. Not always a lot of wisdom.

I think the teaching of respect . . . and how to show it in all relationships and situations is a higher priority than many families and parents realize. . . . and when to withhold it.

And, in fact, WHAT is respectable and why . . . and what isn't and why not.

Originally posted by sonnny1
reply to post by BO XIAN

 

I might agree with some of the things you say but............

The world has been doing fine,for thousands of years,before we had a pill for every problem,or before we had a DOCTOR with advice for every problem.

Sorry,but Thats how I see it. All the clinical mumbo jumbo,doesn't help to raise a teenager."Common sense" does,and so do morals and principles instilled at an early age.

The best pill any kid ever took is called - Consequences - give them it with a spoonful of love and respect and they're cured in no time.

This is how we all learn - not easy - but sure works!

Easy come - easy go!

reply to post by RealSpoke



Sounded to me like the daughter ran her mouth of expressing her emotions all over the place, INCLUDING at home.

I think you guessed wrong on that score.

Now it does NOT appear that Daddy knew how to handle such well.