posted on Aug, 9 2010 @ 09:19 AM
Hi fellow members. I've been lurking for some time but due to my general shyness and fear of making some terrible misstep I've avoided posting
much, plus I have a mild to moderate paranoia about anything I discuss via digital media. There were many times when I tried to share my more
bizarre experiences, only to be met with repeated server crashes and lost content, both on the office network at my previous job, and right here on
the web. After a while it's difficult to dismiss it as mere coincidence.
I'm female and a bit past my mid-30s, and I've had a lifetime of experiences that I simply cannot explain rationally. Long before I was ten years
old I had a feeling - without fully understanding it - that there was some knowledge hidden behind what I then called an "invisible wall". I used
to think that if I could only get my mind past this, I could develop and control the precognitive powers that have popped up off and on through the
years. Every time I thought too hard or tried to force my way through consciously it was literally like walking into a formless wall that would halt
my progress. By my late teens I stopped trying, for fear that I wasn't meant to know, though the experiences did continue.
Aside from the precognition and a random ability to visualize scenes halfway around the world in complete detail and without foreknowledge (this was
verified by the first person whose life I looked into, albeit unintentionally), I'm fully aware that something has "haunted" me since childhood,
following me from country to country and home to home. I'd be willing to accept that it was some kind of psychosis involving hallucinations and
panic attacks, but while years of psychiatric evaluation did pinpoint certain problems, none of them fall under any of the recognized categories,
though there were/are other disorders that were controlled by medication when I was compliant.
After reading dozens (or hundreds?) of posts here on ATS I started wondering if the malevolent forces I'd always considered to be otherworldly might
in fact originate right here in this realm, hence my renewed interest in conspiracy theories. I can think of very few incidences that involved what
are generally termed "ghosts", and scarily, some weeks ago I took a survey entitled "58 signs of alien abduction" just for laughs, but halfway
through, the items I checked off seemed far from random (like the lifelong fear of open closet doors, displaced memories that terrify me even though I
can't describe them visually, not being able to stare into anyone's eyes which bugs me since it probably makes me seem untrustworthy...), and the
more I continued, the more memories popped up and popped into place. I'm still skeptical about it all, but it did make me sit up and think about
many of the events of the early 1990s.
I have many questions and very few answers, and I would dearly love to have some feedback on some of the things I've experiences, which I hope to
post in the forums sometime. Any ration explanation could put my mind at ease, especially since these things have started up again (though less in
the last week since I started sleeping with a rose quartz crystal heart in my hand; I don't really believe in the power of crystals much either, but
my insomnia has been almost non-existence since I started it. There's a long story connected to it, and what may or may not be two simple but
alarming coincidences involving the crystal and the person who bestowed it.)
Lastly, as it might be relevant, I'm quite terrified of the occult, at least in terms of inviting anything in. I don't read material on such, I
avoid discussions about Ouija boards and demons as much as possible, and despite my religious upbringing I'm not much of a believer, though I do find
myself praying in times of paranormal crisis. Oddly, it usually helps, even if it's just mind over matter.
Thanks for your time, and I look forward to exchanging views with anyone with an interest.