Anxiety (or: why I am so messed up)

a reply to: Peeple

There's always somebody who wants to hear your story

It can suck repeating it but at the same time there's always plenty who haven't heard. People who would happily help. People who'd share the best of whines?

Or was that a mistype?

You do inspire a great potential for openness, it's up to you if you take that in your stride. I'd definitely take it as a compliment when others recognise it personally.

Your riding encounter?

It seriously reminded me of the old stories of the Púca. I genuinely don't wish to play pin the tail on the donkey with that either, I have memories of accusation and as they say once bitten twice shy.

I do want to say the legends in regards to the pooka leave plenty in regards to keeping it at bay, apparently such phenomena shows nothing but respect if you wear the right shoes.

Those shoes (or boots) need spurs.

Isn't it always the journey and not the destination? I find that far too much. In life and thought. Answers mean little then...

Keep sharing is all I have to say really!

a reply to: Peeple

I have only 3 years coping with that experience, and what you describe, sure sounds very familiar.

ATS was also a major part of many weird coincidences. I once said to my partner that it seems everyone is reading my posts on ATS. The response was maybe they do. I'll never forget that creepy smile. Really weird stuff....

Somone on this board said one in 50'000 is not in the loop, when I told that to my sister she kind of freaked out and asked where I got that number from. I'm not sure why she freaked out. Before that experience I would have just laughed at such a ridiculous claim...
But now
my observations could, if interpreted in a certain way, sustain the claim. It is however a thaught I'm trying to get rid of as it's very very very paranoid, and it sucks to be mostly alone.

a reply to: RAY1990

Lol wine obviously the drink.
I have my auto correct never in the language I'm writing in so it's a constant battle and sometimes I just # up I guess like that one. Didn't even notice.

a reply to: TerryMcGuire

You're really a great guy. Somehow you have a very calming (hugging) effect.

a reply to: Peeple

I was hinting at your journey through Europe. Nothing wrong with a good whine in wine but I got the impression you inspired a lot more on your journey.

Just playing on words!

a reply to: RAY1990

Hi, though the one directed with this post never made a response, yours is still appreciated.

Let me impart some more rediscovered truths then unto you. Please do reflect them if they truly resonate with you or not. A response will always be welcomed.

Seeking for God can bring some nothing but hurt

Indeed it will. Specially if you are filled up with lots of karmic baggage. Yet, once you have found the true Essence of God, there will be Peace. We will find peace with God. This is the Truth.
The "I" is what makes humankind reluctant to accept the Truth. They only want to accept what can be proven by the Senses. Yet, it is much more beautiful to believe even without experiencing anything that could be considered as "magical" and "out-of-this-world." Life itself is a miracle that should have been given thanks by the humankind. Yet, we are now living with a world of webbed lies where we can no longer see the truth within these deceptions. We are being misled into something. Look around you. Who made this world worst than the worst? Do we always have to ask God for it? What about us? What about our responsibility with all of these things? Is it not that this life is temporary and that we are being tested? Is it not that Life is a test?

We all have different ideas of bliss

We may have different ideas but there is only one Truth of Bliss. It is spiritual in nature. Truth has many Expressions.
Though I find the response regarding "Caesar" and "Kahn" confusing due to them being part of another era of our history, still, we are bound to not compare what is of now from the past when dealing with things. The Truth of Different Response for Different Circumstance.

(Please do make some of clarifications if there is a misunderstanding.)

I can only ever speak of my own emotions

The Truth: Love is not an emotion. It never was. It never is. It never will be. What you may be pointing is the physical manifestation of romantic or worldly love. Love is actually an energy that is infinite. It is ever-infinite and never will deplete you unless done with certain "Linkages" (these linkages could be expectations, return back, etc.).

Truth is, once an individual has found the Truth, emotions will be seen as nothing more than just a lie. Do practice lots of Inner-Introspection and learn to humble on'es will towards God. (Please, do not treat God as what has been propagated so far. God is beyond our understanding. Do not limit God with the perceptual limitations of the human brain.)

The Truth: God is beyond any religion. Beyond anything that we have ever conceived. Let us be humbled by this Truth. We are nothing, after all.

My truth isn't necessarily the same as yours

It may not be necessarily the same as everyone but it is, on a whole new upgraded level of looking into things. The Truth of its Expressions. Have you read a quote akin to this, "You are an Expression of the Universe"? This is actually very limited and this quote could transcend such limitation, "You are an Expression of God, of Truth, of Love, of Everything that was, that is, and that will always be." If so, Be One. Be an Embodiment of the Love of God. [Still, do be aware of the one of the Paranoias now, the Paranoia of the "I's".]

The Outside and Inside Truth are just one and the same. They are interconnected.

Truth is never subjective. That is the main reason why Truth Liberates. Truth is beyond belief or anything that the human mind can conceive.



A bit of wisdom: It is actually the "I" inside every individual that makes things hard for his-her-zie journey of a lifetime. If only we will see Life as filled with lessons in order for us to activate our Inner-Truth, we will live life with a new perspective leading to less turmoil and all. If this Truth of Temporariness will be embodied by us, we will be more into the Surrendering one's will with God.

Truth Liberates.

a reply to: Peeple

It's a hard life so find your joy where you can and don't put anyone above you. There are those that come through the fire as a phoenix and others that stay in the fire. Choose your place.

a reply to: Peeple

originally posted by: 19Bones79
a reply to: Peeple

This December I'm taking my kids to a toy store and have them choose a couple of cool toys.


Unbeknownst to them, we're taking those toys to an orphanage where they themselves will hand out the toys.

So it's going to be things like a soccer ball etc, things all the kids can use and not fight over.

Depending on how many kids there are and if my budget allows it I also plan to order them some pizzas.

How wonderful!
The great Elizabeth Taylor said, 'Give, Always remember to give. It helps you grow as a person'.
And she was right, serving and helping others and animals helps you to find yourself.

a reply to: Peeple

You should PM me.

a reply to: Peeple

You ask people to be gentle with you... but are you gentle in return?

a reply to: Peeple

i don't know what the hell it is either, peeple. but i am terrified enough by (my experience of) it that lately i seek only escapism in the forms of endless media consumption and sleep. i feel disabled at even engaging with life anymore. whereas from your words ("bring it on" ) it appears to have engaged in you the desire to understand more... i, myself, have seen quite enough thank you very much.

i don't think it will be useful for me to give you a compare/contrast of my experience to yours. i assure you that your retelling is vivid enough that i feel certain that we are taking about the same thing... which is wierd for me.

but if i do think of anything useful, i will drop you a note here.

All I can say is you have two choice to view the world. One is as the predator and one is as the prey... Its up to you...

"The prize however is to live in perpetual fear."

A caterpillar has to digest itself before being born into a butterfly. So too has a mind full of desires. They be the source of your fears.

originally posted by: Xtrozero
All I can say is you have two choice to view the world. One is as the predator and one is as the prey... Its up to you...

I believe we call it "human animal instinct " to survive. One finds this out in prison very fast.

originally posted by: RonnieJersey

originally posted by: 19Bones79
a reply to: Peeple

This December I'm taking my kids to a toy store and have them choose a couple of cool toys.


Unbeknownst to them, we're taking those toys to an orphanage where they themselves will hand out the toys.

So it's going to be things like a soccer ball etc, things all the kids can use and not fight over.

Depending on how many kids there are and if my budget allows it I also plan to order them some pizzas.

How wonderful!
The great Elizabeth Taylor said, 'Give, Always remember to give. It helps you grow as a person'.
And she was right, serving and helping others and animals helps you to find yourself.

Giving from one's heart does give us the wisdom to lift up our spiritual soul within us.

I'll take it to PM's lol

originally posted by: Xtrozero
All I can say is you have two choice to view the world. One is as the predator and one is as the prey... Its up to you...

Due to this post I now identify as a tree.

🌰 Here's a nut now leave me alone!

a reply to: RonnieJersey


I need to do it, man.

At this point my kids have taught me more about life than I have them.

a reply to: Peeple

I don't quite understand why it would not be rude for them to call you mentally ill but it is if I ask if they've applied the only treatment they have to offer?

Nobody else called me mentally ill besides me , coming to terms with that was the first step for me to get help.

Not accepting the severity of the situation is the reason why i dragged it on for so long.

Therapy for a while and the minimum amount of medication , just one pill a day.

I don't care about the long term effects , when i risk losing everything from self destruction on the short term.

a reply to: TheGreazel

If you found a compromise that works, that's great. Sincerely something I would sometimes maybe even envy a little.
For me it didn't work and trust me I tried the whole catalogue, but I didn't feel any of it had any beneficial effects and I always got side effects, like shaking muscles and a twitch, couldn't see properly, got suicidal from it etc.
It was just really nasty. Which is why I self-medicate occassionally with a little 420 party to have a time out if you will, not often and not much every other week or so for one evening. Music and jokes and fun.

I don't know if you read my other post? 3 days or so after the shooting I mentioned I got arrested with gun to my head, knee on my neck, the full force basically and put in a mental institution.
After two weeks or so not quite probably I was informed that there were no charges, legally I was total clean.
So I packed my bag and thought I could go. But the doctors went totally bonkers, I kid you not, they threatened to force me to take medication, I wasn't allowed to leave and probably worse would have happened if the nurses there wouldn't have been as responsible and competent as they were.
They let me use their phone and call the police and that was that.
But it wasn't a great experience.

Anyhoo later after my romantic enterprise had failed so completely I was through the heartbreak and everything just crying with no end so I thought: alright if you die anyways why not in a hospital.
I tried several: Luxembourg, Rome, Frankfurt,... none of them killed me, lol.
But almost all gave me mostly benzodiazepine which I got in my own little bottle and could get high whenever I wanted, which was somewhat great, but medically highly questionable.
Goethe University on the other hand did really save me. They listened, they researched for me and with me, they gave me the full diagnostic, like MRI and everything. And that really helped. It gave me a rational viewpoint to all that had happened and it hasn't led to a conclusion yet but my stress level is for some one with such an existential trauma pretty good if I may say so.
I mean sure sometimes as I said in the OP and what made me write the OP it bubbles up in weird places.

So I experimented afterwards with all kinds of prescriptions down to Lithium but it doesn't get better than as it is.
Sorry that answer turned out a little longer than intended.