Anxiety (or: why I am so messed up)

This is going to be pretty intimate, so please be gentle, while I do a soul-strip in front of you. Thanks in advance.

In my everyday life people think I exaggerate with all my little 'eccentricities' because I'm always happy go lucky in conversations. But seriously:
I got big issues. The funny thing is how it manifests.
Because I forbade myself to be scared or paranoid. And now it 'manifests' itself by me constantly fearing I got to pee. Especially if there are a lot of people which, since I live in a city, is always.
And after 2014 my 'experience' led me to be really afraid of people. An exhausting loss of trust in the human race. My closest circle were all traitors.
From that I got serious commitment issues. I feel very alien in this world.
Constantly questioning who could be a spy, who is violent, who is 'under the influence'...? In short how many faces are a threat?
So I blocked out faces. Whole people. I just don't remember.

The moral of this part is( I guess): if you surpress your emotions they bubble up in the weirdest places.
2014 was a fundamental trauma for me ever since the world is not quite the same. But from what I can tell that's part of the maturing process.
Welcome to Adulthood!
And here is your trauma.

Because it was earthshattering. I mean sure subjective perception of an individual experience right? My conclusions about what is going on differ quite a big deal of basically everybody else's.
And my proof is worthless in every court.
But what I have established for myself as facts, is I think the key factor in this #storm we're currently riding.
Are you familiar with the dark forest? (It's a trilogy the first one is good, the second just aweful)
It's nice it gives you a perspective of engaging aliens on a very contemporary visionary hypothesis.
Sure aliens as ET is debatable but what got my juices flowing in what qualities I would categorise my own experience with the 'other':
Pervading everything.
Perfect timing with its synchronicities.
Controls the weather, other beings, my mind, my body, my emotions, my story whenever and however it likes, if it likes.
There's not really a shielding against it. Just be cute and on your best behaviour.
I think it clearly was a different intelligence trying to communicate.
I don't think it's helpful to load that with our judgement and talk trash before we know what it is.
But those bastards, that read my emails, made sure my train ticket couldn't be ordered and... I mean some were kind of helpful too, the worst thing about them is to the outsider of my story they're in no way connected.
Random strangers.
We like to think of us humans as masters of organisation the head stone of creation or evolution, (doesn't even make a difference because the sentiment is the same) but we're dealing with something, that's clearly not human and intelligent and... a little kinky.
Some people know about it but they won't lift a finger to help you.
So there is for a fact some really weird # going on.
I got no clue what it could be.

I think to overcome my anxiety is to figure out what the # that is.
But another great source of anxiety is how gullible people are.
You and me both too, right? So great if we can keep that in mind.
Whatever you think you have 'researched on the internet' or 'figured out' has been fed to you.
The only source you can trust is your experience.
The prize however is to live in perpetual fear.
Anxiety, right? Puuh so what moddafugga.
Bring
It
On.

a reply to: Peeple


Have you ever written about this?
Struggling with lack of detail but wish to offer some comfort nevertheless.


For religious people I suspect the faith of knowing that their God is ultimately in charge must have a stabilizing effect.

As for me, my wife and children brings that calming effect because I know no matter what I have a responsibility that is bigger than myself.

I suspect the only way to fight nihilism and/or apathy in these uncertain times is to put yourself in the background in favor of a worthy cause.

If none of the two circumstances above apply to you I would venture that charity and random acts of kindness would bring a healing effect and go a long way towards dispelling the existential dread that you might be experiencing.


Good luck, Peeps.

Someone on ATS posted a theory long time ago where they said that "maybe everybody is psychic except for me". In some cases it would explain alot, but other cases it doesn't go far enough. I think there is something that likes to play good cop bad cop with my life and the bad always comes at the exact moment I am just getting over the last bad thing to happen. Then something good will happen but it leads to something bad in a round about way.

If you try to think positive it does work, but then you get dumped upon even harder and lose more hope because it feels personal at that point. Tell some one and they just don't get it and tell you to forget about it and be positive yet these same people almost seem to enjoy doing things to stress you out. Makes ya wonder sometimes if this is hell or if there are really beings that feed off of stress.

I never remember signing up for this #, so if it is karma, it is a poor lesson as I don't remember kicking a puppy in a previous life.

a reply to: Peeple


I wanted to add:


If you're looking for a guardian angel and find none, consider the possibility that you might be a guardian angel yourself.

If we change our perspective we are able to physically alter the world.

a reply to: 19Bones79

I personally believe there is something like a godhead, an intelligence so much larger than us like Earth : universe.
The All.
I am convinced intelligence is a non-material force of the universe of information, a sort of 'overlapping parallel' mode of existence.
And I can imagine it's pyramid shaped in its organization.
A lot of individual stones those 'steps'.

I'm very inclusive that way.
I'm also incredible stubborn.
I don't want healing. I want more.
I want to know.

a reply to: XL5

I think the only way is being playful. Is there fate? And this is just luck, or the lack?
Is there a lesson in it?
Have you tried starting a conversation?

a reply to: 19Bones79

Yeah no thanks I really want to avoid projecting memes on my Laboratory wall.

a reply to: Peeple

Perhaps we open ourselves to more when we lose ourselves first.

I truly believe service to others is the pathway which we seek without even knowing it.

Even in the Bible it says the more you give away the more you shall have.

Some believers literally equate that with money which I believe is a huge mistake.

Prosperity gospel is a sneaky snake.

To give of yourself is a richness that rings the highest bells of our existence.

I'm very inclusive that way.
I'm also incredible stubborn.
I don't want healing. I want more.
I want to know.

To struggle means you are going about it wrong.


Knowing comes from doing.


And to find yourself, you have to lose yourself to begin with.

Knowing comes after, and you will have earned it instead of asking for a handout.

a reply to: 19Bones79

So what are you suggesting? Surrender?
I don't think that's smart without knowing what it is.
You decided the Bible is truth.
Frankly I just don't see it.
And even if it were I would bet my life it's not true for everybody in this big universe.
Anthropocentric philosophies are just boring.
You can easily see that's a trap.
The human experience is full of those decisions where you have to go wrong. Guaranteed-fail-switches that knock you back on your ass, like the other member in this thread said.
And to think the big explanation of the universe comes in human form is... really old now.
It probably has sthg cultural that makes it valuable, but since I'm no member of the ruling party in this game, I question if my interests will be properly reflected in this obvious primitive mind-control-scheme.
Shame on us it survived the dark ages, if you ask me.

If there is a lesson I can't see it. For example, when I am riding my bike on side roads, somewhat in the distance I will see a car pointed towards the persons house with the red tail lights on and it is only when I get close enough to maybe be hit do they start backing up. This will happen 2-4 times within an hour, yet some days it will not happen at all. I have tested it and sometimes it will "work" sometimes it won't. I will wait a long distance away and watch/wait for 5 minutes, no change, then as I get close to the zone where they will back up, I stop, then I see the back up lights for a second and they back up one foot and they stop! I start going after 30 seconds have passed and they start backing up again. There are bushes in the way and they can't see me at any point!

Start a conversation with who though? If you mean the force doing this, I have and I have no idea if I am just fooling my self or making it worse. I am always just waiting for that other shoe to drop.

www.youtube.com...

a reply to: Peeple

Your allowing to many 3rd party opinions in, you aren't messed up your meant to be awake, be grateful your different as aspiring to fit into a society such as we're surrounded by is spiritual suicide at best.

Society calls it anxiety - i call it a unnumbered sense as your mind knows its being starved but societal programming during childhood disables your ability to appropriately read your own brain and distinguish between what you read/see versus what society desires/ demands.

You want to know what it is- it is your soul, it knows you don't belong here but can't avoid the fact nor accept you are sentenced to serve time here hence the disconection from so called normal mindsets and the discontent at the pigeon holeing into what society calls anxiety. Anxiety it is not it is a deeper awareness that your programmed mind is confused about.

Embrace your differences, learn to ignore the perceived normality and when your life is over Go HOME lesson learnt instead of coming back to try again.

The shield is acceptance of yourself, not suppression but indulgence.

The prize is exiting this existence, this mortal sentencing and this flesh and bone trap.

True the only source you can trust is your experience so long as you master how to translate said experience accordingly and not as programmed.

a reply to: CthruU

That's too dark for me.
Earth is beautiful. Life is beautiful.
I don't think it's punishment.
It's an invitation to figure stuff out.

a reply to: XL5

Well there are too many cars and too many distracted people driving them to take that personal, I think.

a reply to: Peeple

The moral of this part is( I guess): if you surpress your emotions they bubble up in the weirdest places.

I walked around with a burnout for more then a year , because i did nothing about this it became worse.

Eventually it manifested itself in compulsive thoughts and panic attacks and anxiety from those thoughts.

Self created panic attacks , because i would search for something to worry about.

If i would go home on a friday i would worry about work all weekend , thinking about possible mistakes i made.

Sometimes i would get a panic attack about something i though i messed up , get in my car and drive to my work only to find i did everything alright.

I did this many times , i never made a mistake.

But because i did not have a active memory about it i must made a mistake.

I did not trust my brain in that moment and had to go see for myself.

I could not get myself over it by telling myself to chill out , the same thought would appear moments later.

it started slow these compulsive thoughts , to a point they where all day everyday.

The only moment i got any peace of mind was when i was asleep.

The moment i would wake up my brain would jump right into the pattern again.

At some point i hit rock bottom and went and get professional help.

looking back on that period it was pretty obvious i was very mentally ill.

I have no shame about what i experienced , it was a good life lesson because i know now what signals i need to look out for to stop it from happening again

a reply to: TheGreazel

I think it's a little harsh to call yourself mentally ill.
It's not a disease, it's overload.
A perfectly natural reaction to real life experiences.
How many pills are you on since that?

a reply to: Peeple


You misunderstand me completely.


I'm not religious at all.


I'm speaking to a universal truth.

It's counterintuitive.

To get, give.

To find, lose.

When this is done because of the value of doing it is the purpose instead of some reward for your deeds, a deeper level of knowing is achieved, and that is what you are asking for.

You won't find answers in a library.

Life is to be lived.

a reply to: 19Bones79

I'm living.
If you think you made your point clearer I have to tell you it got swallowed by your attempt of preaching.
You don't have the answer to my problem.


You talked about guarding angels, dude. How is that universal?

a reply to: Peeple


Sure, no worries.


Good luck then.

You talked about guarding angels, dude. How is that universal?

It's not to be taken in the religious sense.

It's merely a descriptor of which the qualities are important.

A way for your essence to rejuvenate and recharge itself. Understanding comes as an after effect.

Become a provider of comfort.

Be a harbinger of hope.

Light up someone else's existence.

a reply to: Peeple

How many pills are you on since that?

How many pills are you on???

a reply to: Peeple

This December I'm taking my kids to a toy store and have them choose a couple of cool toys.


Unbeknownst to them, we're taking those toys to an orphanage where they themselves will hand out the toys.

So it's going to be things like a soccer ball etc, things all the kids can use and not fight over.

Depending on how many kids there are and if my budget allows it I also plan to order them some pizzas.