20 year Friendship. Walk away or not?

a reply to: Cymru

When they start nit picking and throwing stuff from the past into your face every time you do something together it's over man, especially with her reliving her "wild oats" years. I was with my ex for 22 years. The last few years he was doing the same and kept telling me he was considering divorce. What he was really considering were the women he was cheating on me with and the drugs he was sneaking around doing. When I finally decided I was done and told him so he had a sudden change of heart and begged and cried for me to stay- but alternated with criticism and accusations galore. He didn't really want me, he just wanted me to continue to be there to do all the things I had always done for him previously.

Do yourself a huge favor and get out now. Nobody deserves to be the "safety net".

a reply to: Cymru

I can't tell you what to do. Personally I would tell her that I wish her the best but I don't do friendship after relationship. It never ends well, and one person always ends up hurt.

She may be bi-polar, but she is definitely a control freak: she's demonstrating that by saying she doesn't even want to be friends, and then she rings you up to "have one last argument?" She's using you as her whipping boy; probably via misdirected anger at her own life situation. For whatever reason, she is unfulfilled--and there's no way you can fulfill whatever need she has. If that were the case, it would've already been done, considering your years together.

In general, women latch onto a man, hoping the man will change...and they don't. Men corral a woman and hope they won't change, and they do.

But everyone changes over time.

It's time to walk away and start afresh. It has happened to me.

Mojo, brother.

Situations like this dont get better with time. Was in a similar fix 10 years in she wasn't happy broke it off for a year then got back together but later broke it off for good been 5 years and glad to be away for from the toxic times lifes too short been able to do so many things her and I would have never done together

a reply to: Cymru
Well if all that you say has been going on for 19 years, then I would say that's 19 years to long in coming to this conclusion.

a reply to: galadofwarthethird

She has only recently been like this.

a reply to: Cymru

If it was me I would tell her this is not working for me. I would give her one last chance to say anything she feels she needs to say. Then I would say goodbye, and I would not text her back when she texts me, and I would send her calls to voicemail.

But that's me.

Explain to her you understand this is no longer going to work and the relationship is draining more than it's giving. Then go.

Look after yourself. Honestly.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

That seems the most positive course of action and the general consensus in the replies.

originally posted by: Cymru
So, my quandry is, do I be there for Her as a Friend to help when things go south or do I just let Her crash and burn.

My heart says stay around for the sake of Her and her Daughter but my head says, protect yourslef and walk away, build a new life.

If there is one thing that I have learned in my 58 years - about 12 of which (from about 13 until about 25) were as a practicing addict/alcoholic:

You cannot change anyone. Ever. Under any circumstances. Period. Don't try.

That said, people can change. It is rare, but it can happen. I changed. I know others that have.

One thing I had to do to get and stay sober was to completely and totally cut myself off from my old friends who were still using/drinking. Completely. That was the hardest part.

If someone knows they have a problem, and truly wants to change, it is possible to help them, but you have to be extremely careful not to confuse help with enabling. You also have to be very careful of someone who doesn't really want to change or want help, but just wants whatever they can get out of you (usually money in one form or another).

You'll have to make these calls yourself, but I'll just finish up with one last thing... you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. 'You' have to come before everyone else - including wife, kids, parents, etc.

Understand, I don't mean this in the shallow 'selfish' sense. The bottom line is, if you don't take care of yourself, you may not be there for those that matter most to you. I would gladly give my life for my loved ones

originally posted by: AugustusMasonicus

originally posted by: CriticalStinker
Give the person what they want, space...

Yes. YES!!!! Now you're thinking clearly. Give them space, the cold vacuum of space. Nothing says 'I'm having the last laugh' then watching their eyes pop out of their heads from catastrophic decompression.

Dear sweet puppies, we're just talking theoretically here, right, AM?

a reply to: elkabong57

Maybe?

a reply to: MrConspiracy


Spookily (being Halloween and all that) this just started playing on the radio in the Office ...

Paul Simon - 50 ways to leave your Lover ...

www.youtube.com...

The truth is this.

Relationships like this are like farts.

If you have to force it, it's probably #.

/fin

a reply to: Cymru

You're better off being done with the relationship.

You may wish to do some 'prep' before cutting all ties. Your emotions and fantastical thinking may play Hell with you, and tempt you to do dumb things. Line up some activities you want to do and can enjoy while alone. One useful activity may be take walks in places where one can see a long way. That helps the mind to place events and memories in perspective so that certain memories don't become outsized in their perceived importance.

Just speaking for me, I'd be careful about sudden new relationships as well. "Rebound" and all that.

Good luck, and,

Cheers

a reply to: Cymru
Well that's just weird.

May as well flip a coin.

But you know most if not all that ask questions about this sort of thing. Already know the answer to there question.

So whatever your going to do. Just do it already. Procrastination, is a women's sport.

Ditch the biatch,life is too short,she showed how she felt and you failed to see,best move on dude,otherwise just more of same reply to: Cymru

originally posted by: Cymru
a reply to: MrConspiracy


Spookily (being Halloween and all that) this just started playing on the radio in the Office ...

Paul Simon - 50 ways to leave your Lover ...

www.youtube.com...

Haha. Coincidences don't exist! Look after for yourself.

a reply to: MrConspiracy

Beers with Friends at the moment.
Moving on up.

If you are in a lot of pain, please listen to your own heart and honor your own feelings. Some of the best friendships can come through adversity, but if it’s become too toxic, give it some space. You may find someone who is more compatible with your true self. Don’t be a doormat though.