How would you correct a 20 year old child for this?

FlyersFan
reply to post by JohnPhoenix

 

Your house .... your rules. He broke them which is disrespectful to you. He's out.

Side note - your wife should have told the truth about what you guys did in getting rid of the drugs. If you lie to him, he'll continue to think he can lie to you.

I agree the wife handled it badly when he approached her directly. She made the choice to lie to the kid, not I. But you know.. can't let kids play one parent against the other.. She made her choice to lie to him and if i undermine that now, it will be worse for his and her relationship. Remember folks,, she is just starting to get to know her kid after he had been away from her in another state the past ten years. ( he was legally kidnapped at the age of 9 but like I said it's a long story.)

See. I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as choices go. For the wife's sake, i wont do anything I feel could harm their fragile relationship.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Well if you are trying to end their relationship for good.

You are well on your way...

Add: what you did is theft.

whyamIhere
reply to post by JohnPhoenix

 

Well if you are trying to end their relationship for good.

You are well on your way...

Add: what you did is theft.

I'm not following your logic here.. care to expound?

JohnPhoenix

whyamIhere
reply to post by JohnPhoenix

 

Well if you are trying to end their relationship for good.

You are well on your way...

Add: what you did is theft.

I'm not following your logic here.. care to expound?

Yes, you stole the young man's property. Then lied about it.

For something very minor.

Not a very nice way to enhance a relationship.

reply to post by whyamIhere


Oh my God. This is a first. I actually agree with you. Will wonders never cease!

kaylaluv
reply to post by whyamIhere

 

Oh my God. This is a first. I actually agree with you. Will wonders never cease!

This is a first...

Thanks for the chuckle...👍

reply to post by whyamIhere


You know that is a two way street.

If the kid cared about the relationship he wouldn't have disrespected the rules in the home of the people he is bumming off of.

JohnPhoenix
reply to post by JohnPhoenix

 

I agree the wife handled it badly when he approached her directly. She made the choice to lie to the kid, not I. But you know.. can't let kids play one parent against the other.. She made her choice to lie to him and if i undermine that now, it will be worse for his and her relationship. Remember folks,, she is just starting to get to know her kid after he had been away from her in another state the past ten years. ( he was legally kidnapped at the age of 9 but like I said it's a long story.)

See. I'm kinda stuck between a rock and a hard place as far as choices go. For the wife's sake, i wont do anything I feel could harm their fragile relationship.

Seriously, I can understand. My husband and I went through extreme drama with my kids. I had found them after only 5 years in another state. They had alot of pent up frustration and resentment. Myself, I just wanted them to like me again and make up for all the missing years. My husband stepped aside initially...but it made things worse. The 'kids' can recognize your subconscious queues of indecision and disagreement.

You may think you are communicating an united front for the benefit of all, but it is obvious from your posts, that you disagree with your wife. Your wife and you need to truly confront your own fears of regarding this issue. Obviously, you love your wife and that is where you need to cement your foundation for communicating. Help your wife to overcome her insecurities and guilt about the past. The past cant be changed, what you do presently can change the future though. Strengthen her so she can communicate with her son from a place of love and not fear of loss. That is most beneficial not only for your own relationship, but for your wife and son's as well.

It doesn't happen overnight, but believe me, I am very thankful my husband followed our kids counselors advice. I have a strong bond with my kids now and so does he. They have even thanked us for not giving up on them! Certainly, I understand, no 2 circumstances are exactly the same, but I hope that you may find some insight that will reduce the drama.

Grimpachi
reply to post by whyamIhere

 

You know that is a two way street.

If the kid cared about the relationship he wouldn't have disrespected the rules in the home of the people he is bumming off of.

You were twenty once. You make lots of mistakes at that age.

It's just not the way I would of handled it.

Do you know how hard it is to start your own household in this economy.

Don't call him a bum. Twenty is too young to start labeling the young man.

No disrespect to the OP. I know they are trying.

Twenty is the new twelve.

This kid needs a helping hand. Some guidance, not just discarded.

The OP is a pretty bright guy. He will figure it out.

Flushed an ounce? The whole thing?

He must have died.

Jailed for 4 months month for this, eh?

Yeah, he's off to a great start. Trauma, for a thing that I wouldn't bother coming to this planet, if I heard it was not.
Where do you live, Japan?

Is his birthday coming up, or anything?

# 210

whyamIhere

JohnPhoenix

whyamIhere
reply to post by JohnPhoenix

 

Well if you are trying to end their relationship for good.

You are well on your way...

Add: what you did is theft.

I'm not following your logic here.. care to expound?

Yes, you stole the young man's property. Then lied about it.

For something very minor.

Not a very nice way to enhance a relationship.

I didn't steal it. No one stole it, the wife found it and brought it to me. It was HER idea to take and flush them- not mine. Look, the moment he broke that rule his bag of pot was no longer his own - it was forfeit, as a cop would do, we confiscated the evidence. We do have Every right to take his illegal drugs and do with them as we please if they are in My house against my rules and wishes.

No, it's NOT minor. This is Not Colorado. He broke the rules and he knows it. He's taking a chance on going back to jail. He's lied to us because he promised to abide by my rules. That ounce of weed is enough to get him a felony in this state. I cannot have his breaking the law going on in my house.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Did it belong to you?

Don't get upset...you ask, I just gave my opinion.

You can tell yourself any justification for taking his property.

Sounds like you don't want the kid around...It really does.

I believe 'My Roof, My Rules' applies here.

Good luck, these things are difficult and there is probably no clear cut answer as to how to respond properly.

Just do your best.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Oh, I see. You live in New Orleans, the vice capital of the world, where booze flows like blood let from the veins of men who, using their last scrap of fading consciousness, managed to escape a whore house beat down and a bag of spiked blow, only to find their flesh being picked at by vultures on the street in the early morning light, by force of habit. And everyone just watches it happen...

Your lucky son. I bet he's grateful you didn't get a rope.

There's definitely room for reform.

In the mean time, I think he was better off in jail.

# 211

whyamIhere

Grimpachi
reply to post by whyamIhere

 

You know that is a two way street.

If the kid cared about the relationship he wouldn't have disrespected the rules in the home of the people he is bumming off of.

You were twenty once. You make lots of mistakes at that age.

It's just not the way I would of handled it.

Do you know how hard it is to start your own household in this economy.

Don't call him a bum. Twenty is too young to start labeling the young man.

No disrespect to the OP. I know they are trying.

Twenty is the new twelve.

This kid needs a helping hand. Some guidance, not just discarded.

The OP is a pretty bright guy. He will figure it out.

He is bumming off them. If that makes him a bum then so be it. When I was Twenty I was in the army stationed in South Korea. I think he is lucky that they didn't report him to the authorities. I refuse to treat 20 year olds as 12 year olds if you do that they will never grow up. He knew he was in the wrong or he would have been up front about it but now he wants his fix. I think I would have handled it differently. I would have gave him the choice to either flush it in front of me or leave.

There is no way I side with the person bringing illegal substances into their home. Maybe the young man will be dumb enough to report it as stolen merchandise. I saw that once on dumbest criminals.

JohnPhoenix

whyamIhere

JohnPhoenix

whyamIhere
reply to post by JohnPhoenix

 

Well if you are trying to end their relationship for good.

You are well on your way...

Add: what you did is theft.

I'm not following your logic here.. care to expound?

Yes, you stole the young man's property. Then lied about it.

For something very minor.

Not a very nice way to enhance a relationship.

I didn't steal it. No one stole it, the wife found it and brought it to me. It was HER idea to take and flush them- not mine. Look, the moment he broke that rule his bag of pot was no longer his own - it was forfeit, as a cop would do, we confiscated the evidence. We do have Every right to take his illegal drugs and do with them as we please if they are in My house against my rules and wishes.

No, it's NOT minor. This is Not Colorado. He broke the rules and he knows it. He's taking a chance on going back to jail. He's lied to us because he promised to abide by my rules. That ounce of weed is enough to get him a felony in this state. I cannot have his breaking the law going on in my house.

I couldn't agree more.

reply to post by Grimpachi


Sorry the young man doesn't live up to your expectations.

The kid needs some help...but go ahead and discard him like trash.

I just am not so willing to give up on young people.

reply to post by whyamIhere


I am not willing to bend to their will or let them walk all over me.


His choice follow the rules or else.

Grimpachi
reply to post by whyamIhere

 

I am not willing to bend to their will or let them walk all over me.


His choice follow the rules or else.

Or else what?

You will steal his property then lie about it.

You will beat him up. You will throw him out?

Young people make mistakes. To be so rigid seems like a mistake to me.

However, you guys are entitled to your opinion.

reply to post by whyamIhere

Or else what?

It depends.

If the property in question is illegal then I may destroy it, flush it, report it, get creative with it, who knows. I wouldn't lie about it, but that's me. If he doesn't like it then tough he can go cry to the cops about it. My pops once found out I had a some homemade explosives when I was a teen. He destroyed them. His pops once caught him with a switch blade it was destroyed. Their roof their rules their choice how to handle it. When I was a kid I tried to grow some plants back in the woods as well my pops years later told me why they never grew he kept poisoning them it made me laugh. BTW he taught me how to make the explosives but it was a different era.

As far as creative goes I have heard some interesting stories. Anyway at 20 years old if they don't know better by then then coddling them isn't helping them. If it was my kid with the same circumstances as the OP I would tell him I flushed it and he has no expectations of privacy for breaking the rules if he doesn't like then see ya. Under my roof it is my way or the highway.