How would you correct a 20 year old child for this?

My wife's son from a previous marriage lives with us. He moved here a year and a half ago. Not long after he was here he got busted in possession of some drugs. He spent 4 months in jail then was released on probation, which is not up yet.

One of the House Rules (my house, my rules) for him is to Not get into trouble with the law again, and not to bring illegal stuff into my house.

He sleeps on a sofa bed we have in the living room. The other day my wife found a bag of the same drugs he got arrested for in the sofa bed. She brought them to me and we flushed them.

Later that day he came home and searched all through the sofa bed. We knew what he was looking for of course. After a search turned up nothing, he asked my wife if she had seen the drugs. She said she knew nothing about them. He explained to her that he felt like he could do those drugs again because of what happened with his last meeting with his parole officer. At that meeting he was told he would not be physically checked up on as they do every month, but for him to call in once a month instead - because his PO would be away with medical problems.

He thought the PO wasn't going to be on his tail and he thought he'd take the chance. He doesn't know thats a ploy. Thats what the cops are counting on, for him to let down his guard and slip up.

Mind you, he doesn't know I know anything about the situation - he hasn't asked me directly. I'm thinking if he does ask me directly, i'll tell him the truth, that he broke the rules and I flushed his drugs.

So the question is, should we punish him in some way again or just let the loss of about 100 bucks worth of drugs be the punishment?

If he can afford $100 worth of drugs perhaps he should save up and move out.

You can't deal with a 20 year old like you would a child. It won't work. He'll just laugh at you.

If it were me,being that it is MY house and he was warned he'd be thrown out.No questions asked. End of story.

That $100 would've been better off in the bank saving for his own place.Some people need to learn that hard way.

What good are rules if you don't enforce them?

He needs to prioritize his money.

I mean I'm assuming you are feeding him as well?


Sounds like he is growing through the idiot stage, you can only hope its a phase.


For your own sanity I hope it something more soft, than hard.


He did violate you rules, and I would think he must atone for it some how, thus your authority will be undermined if not.

A two year old is a child, not a twenty year old! ( he may always be her "child" but that could be part of the problem)

If it were my son.... well he wouldn't be living with me after being in jail, at twenty. There's a difference between bad luck and bad self-inflicted luck.

Kick him out!

I would have let him know immediately that I had found the drugs and asked him if he remembered the "Rules" he agreed to when he moved in.

At 20, there is no excuse for that kind of behavior. He is an adult at this point, whether he acts like one or not is another story. I have children, and no way would that continue under my roof. If you let it continue you are helping him destroy his future. Depending on (how bad) his past behavior was and what you think his future behavior will be... is what would let me decide if he got one more chance, or if he is the way he is because he is always getting one more chance.

We love our children so much that sometimes we aide them in letting them continue on with things without serious repercussions. It's hard to draw a line at times, where enough is indeed... enough.

If you own the house, and something was to happen where cops found drugs in your house... that may be bad news for you. Your house, your rules. They tend to think the same way from my experience.

He is already willing to risk his probation by doing this when he knows where it could land him. Is he really trying to do better, or is he just trying to get through it because he has to? Only you and your wife know the answer and that should help you make a decision on whether you will continue to support him in your home.

I would have been too scared to bring something like that into my parents house. They would have called the law on me themselves (when it was safer to do so of course). That kind of kept me on the up and up. I knew they wouldn't play... so I didn't play in ways that would hurt any of us.

I feel for you even having to go through this. I do hope something can change for the better, and you all won't have to worry about something like this happening again.

Remind him, for from thine loins he didn't not come.

You are granting him favour, just by allowing him to bum it on your couch.

He's 20 - Enabling him isn't helping him.

After a search turned up nothing, he asked my wife if she had seen the drugs. She said she knew nothing about them.

Is your wife afraid of him? Are you? I don't understand this part at all...

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Do you happen to have a dog?


If you do then you may have a designated walker for it for some time if you play this right.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Well first he is 20 an it is his life to do with as he chooses, that said....it don't mean you have to tolerate it. I would ask one thing...is it a narcotic? If so perhaps offer help to the path of recovery but make it known this will not be tolerated again in your home. You both need to be on the same page so mom don't back peddle. Pack up his belongings before the discussion so he is clear on the terms.

My grandmother never had the heart to throw my uncle out, she could have done it when he was younger and drugs hadn't messed his life up as badly then, but she didn't. He became a permanent fixture in the house well into his 60's, because he couldn't function on his own, well supposedly, she kept making up excuses about how he couldn't get a job because of legal troubles, and then it turned into he had no life skills, and then "the drugs have ruined his ability to concentrate and remember things". I ended up losing the only parent I every really had because of him.

If you don't throw him out now, if you make life easy for him to get high while having a comfortable place to live and food on the table, the same thing is going to happen.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Just give him a few months to find a place to live before kicking him out. It's the best thing you could do for any adults living in such situations and/or similar.

Why? It's the only way they will learn what life is really about. The longer you and your Wife continues to support him this way, the harder he will hit a brick wall and let's not forget it'll be harder to rid of him the longer he stays around.

From my experience, losing everything can be the best thing that can happen to anyone. It's not until one loses everything before he begins to truly look at themselves in the mirror and realize who they are and what a fool they have been to have been so blind.

Hope things work out.

Do it Marine style and grab Him by the throat, and sternly remind him of the rules. Jk. If You kick Him out now, He might not learn anything. I hope that You will lead by example AND He will have the wisdom to see that lucidly. Good Luck

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


Do you charge him room and board?

He is just going to keep doing it, unless you prove to him that it is not wanted in your house he will continue to use it. What I would do Tell him straight up that you found them. Dont get pissed off, Stay Calm. Make it known that you found it, that you will be continually looking for drugs in the house. Let him know that he can't get away with it. If he doesn't like that, then inform his PO about what you had found. It is his/her job to know this.

He wont break the habit if you guys keep enabling it. Threaten to kick him out, He is a big boy Im sure he has friends that he can stay with.

My mom went through pretty much the same thing with my little brother. The addiction will continue if you guys just let it slide like that.

Dont get me wrong, I dont think your bad people at all. I just think you need to enforce your rules more. Remember he is an adult and is responsible for his own actions.

If it is weed I don't mind it anymore. If it is anything else I oppose it. I know lsd, crack, heroine, and crank junkies. They can't ever get rid of that addiction.

Just keep throwing it away. If he acts up then CALL THE POLICE. Eventually they learn better methods of hiding it. But still.... shame on you for searching the sofa.

He's embarrassed enough already.

By consistently searching you will end up making him go insane.

It is one thing to call a bluff. It is another to take away his cards.

reply to post by GiulXainx


lsd addiction?

I R Curious.

reply to post by JohnPhoenix


I hate to say it...but unless you come up with something severe (and I don't know what that would be for a 'kid' that age) then he's only out of jail on a temporary pass.

It's obvious the experience meant nothing and taught him nothing, since it didn't even take getting off the supervision to break the law freely again. Just the expectation that the odds favored getting away with it vs. being caught. That was enough to think "he was allowed to" or some such logic. Hard to say how that age thinks.. I think our brains make little walls of perception so we don't have to experience the full embarrassment of recalling how we reasoned things out then.

Seriously tho.... He seems to be hell bent on gaming the system until it calls game over on him for more than mere months. A bad situation there when simply not ruining his record and future options isn't meaningful enough.

GiulXainx
But still.... shame on you for searching the sofa.

He's embarrassed enough already.

Shame on him? Seriously? It's HIS HOUSE. EVERYTHING in HIS house is HIS. If the son wants privacy... he's 20... he can move out, get his own house and stash anything he wants wherever he wants.

OP should NOT be ashamed for searching his OWN house for illegal substances. In most states, if you are the owner of the house and the police find drugs in there, it's your baby. So OP could wind up in trouble with the law himself, yet he should be ashamed??

I mean no disrespect, but that is ludicrous at best.

By consistently searching you will end up making him go insane.

It is one thing to call a bluff. It is another to take away his cards.

If the son goes insane, it is the son's fault. The OP has provided him with safe harbor, and I (assume) food, cable, heat, air, internet, etc. If he is 20 and behaving like a child... then somebody should "take away his cards" until he learns how to play them IMO.

I don't understand why you think the OP is so bad? It seems like he has done nothing but help another man's grown man get back on his feet and asking nothing in return but to follow a few simple house rules that his PO is also asking him to follow. A lot of men out there would not be so kind in the same situation, nor women for that matter.

reply to post by Kangaruex4Ewe

Shame on him? Seriously? It's HIS HOUSE. EVERYTHING in HIS house is HIS. If the son wants privacy... he's 20... he can move out, get his own house and stash anything he wants wherever he wants.

I couldn't agree more. My kid has the privacy I've chosen to grant him and not an inch beyond it. That is subject to change without notice based on my decisions by whatever criteria I choose. As they say, rank hath it's privileges and no one outranks Daddy in the house here.

If he doesn't like it, he can file for emancipation at 16 or move out at 18. I'll even help him by 20, if leaving the nest requires a nudge over the side. Coddling him does him no favors and every harm for the time we won't be around to be his support, is how I see it.

Besides....There is a big factor kids don't think about, don't care about and many likely don't even know about. Kids won't go to jail or go bankrupt for liability over what Mommy or Daddy does in life. Mommy or Daddy CAN go to jail for what Jr. does...even at 20, if it's done under the parents roof and especially in a generally common area with a sofa. Yikes....

Wrabbit2000

I couldn't agree more. My kid has the privacy I've chosen to grant him and not an inch beyond it. That is subject to change without notice based on my decisions by whatever criteria I choose. As they say, rank hath it's privileges and no one outranks Daddy in the house here.

We were raised with that same attitude, and learned quickly that all privacy was forsaken when you did something that showed you could not be trusted. You then had to work to regain it. That's the way it works in my home and most people I know raise their children the same way.

In this case, the son has lost the right to any privacy because he has shown he can not be trusted to do the right thing IMO. For anyone to think otherwise, is asking for trouble.

If he doesn't like it, he can file for emancipation at 16 or move out at 18. I'll even help him by 20, if leaving the nest requires a nudge over the side. Coddling him does him no favors and every harm for the time we won't be around to be his support, is how I see it.

Besides....There is a big factor kids don't think about, don't care about and many likely don't even know about. Kids won't go to jail or go bankrupt for liability over what Mommy or Daddy does in life. Mommy or Daddy CAN go to jail for what Jr. does...even at 20, if it's done under the parents roof and especially in a generally common area with a sofa. Yikes....

And I couldn't agree more with the above. I love my daughter, but there is no way in hell that I am going to jail because she decided to act like an idiot in my house. If that makes me "Mommy Dearest", so be it.

Life isn't supposed to be easy after 18 in your parent's house in my opinion. The rules laid down by the parents are supposed to be unpleasant to their (adult) children to help push them out of the nest. It has to happen. If not, they would all live at home forever. Why move out if you can do whatever you want, whenever you want... and do it for free on top of that?