posted on Mar, 24 2013 @ 09:23 AM
The root cause of passive aggressive behavior is resentment; the root of resentment is expectation...the expectation may either be rooted from ones
self or in another. So what expectations has she had of herself and you in all of this time? Were there agreements that were never met? Were their
plans that never came to fruition? You have to ask yourself what her and your root of resentments are for each other...any promises made but not kept?
Those sort of things add up ya know.
And when they add up you get negative passive aggressive behavior back; if you can put your finger on any major resentments that could have arisen
during your years together, then it has built up to what it is over time.
Having a disagreement, a rule of thumb is to use the word "I"...never "You" someone upset already will go on the defense, so the term "You" just
escalates whomever is upset. Also, there is no reason in the world, if there is a disagreement that the person upset cannot calmly say what they have
to say, while the other listens...letting them vent it all out and get things off their chest, instead of sucking it in and pushing it down to get
shaken up and explode later or come out in passive aggressive behavior.
Communication works great by yourself; if that's where you want to be...but for real communication both should be able to hold their tongues long
enough with consideration for the other person. Then respond with the "I" feels without a you in it no matter how many "you's" came your way
while they were sharing their feelings.
Expectation is a horrible device to have in a relationship...because it doesn't love the person for who they are, but who you expect them to be...it
has conditions to give and receive love, a bunch of hoops to jump through on how to act and who to be, just so you can be with them when real love is
unconditional. Now that's not saying you lay down and have no boundaries or standards people need to respect to be with you, and you don't let
anyone cross those, or else it shows you have no self respect. Meaning if you don't have any for yourself then why should they give it to you? That
may not be a conscious determination but it sure as hell is a subconscious cue to not give it. Not sticking to your standards; makes you a door mat
and No Onewill respect a door mat.
If you are not strong enough to stick up for your standards; by stating them and letting people walk on you or let them keep testing them...then you
are taking a submissive role, the other person naturally falls into the dominate roll. If you simply don't care then you are taking a dismissive
role, the dismissive roll keeps making excuses and keeps drawing lines not to cross, when it's crossed they make a new excuse and draw a new
line...eventually backing oneself into a corner...where it's fight or flight.
So again what expectations do you have for yourself and for this other person? What roles have you fell into? What compromises? How many lines have
been drawn? Excuses made? You see where I am going with this?
I have two boundaries in my relationships; no lying and no cheating...if someone cannot respect those two simple rules then they cannot respect me,
meaning they have no respect for themselves either, meaning we are both wasting our time trying to make something work that ultimately will not.
But the average relationship has expectations that force people to play or fill a role...this is a relationship where someone cannot be themselves and
lead a happy healthy life with another person. That type it's either do this or you won't have my love...sure maybe somethings people don't mind
doing anyway and if there's enough give and take in expectations and roles it can get a balance going...but if something changes that redefine those
expectations or roles? Where's the love then? It certainly was never there to begin with because it was based on the give and take the roles accepted
based on the others expectations, that one may or may not have minded doing.