Passive Aggressive Woman

Originally posted by fr33kSh0w2012

Originally posted by Shdak
reply to post by slapjacks

 

There is no communicating with a passive aggressive, they will turn things around on you...compromise yes, and that hard to do also... but it works

Shdak just tell her when she start "Yes, I can make everyone Miserable If I don't get my own way too!"

Then just before she opens her mouth

Then tell her "That's your problem you want everything YOUR OWN WAY"

Then just before she opens her mouth

Then tell her "Well hun, Guess where you are going?"

Then just before she opens her mouth

Then tell her "THE LOONEY BIN"

Then just before she opens her mouth

then tell her "Now, What... Where is your comeback now, HUH!"

edit on 20/3/13 by fr33kSh0w2012 because: (no reason given)

At least you made me laugh today... I have actually done that before "not the loony bin part" but almost, I can just imagine the payback on that one, still funny though

reply to post by InTheLight


I agree, we had others who talked to us together and individually over the years, even medical doctors but this is not the place to discus...

reply to post by Shdak


I agree, but one counsellor was divorced and told us he is now an advocate for divorce.

Originally posted by InTheLight
You should be communicating with her and not strangers on a forum. Unless, of course, you are just looking for sympathy from the woman haters.

You obviously didn't read his post and this IS the relationship forum, meaning he can discuss this all he wants on here.

I'm a woman and I feel bad for him. I KNOW women like this and they piss me off. I never understand either why their men stay. I personally would not stay in an unhappy marriage for my kids. It affects them, people think it doesn't but it does. He even stated his son has been affected by it. People think their kids don't see it but they DO.

He obviously came here because he has talked with her and she isn't willing to change, it seems she thinks there is nothing wrong. He has gone to counseling, she won't. So him coming to an internet forum to get some opinions is harmless and it is a nice way to get unbiased opinions.

reply to post by mblahnikluver


I could not get what you wrote out of my head to the keyboard... Thank You,

Originally posted by mblahnikluver

Originally posted by InTheLight
You should be communicating with her and not strangers on a forum. Unless, of course, you are just looking for sympathy from the woman haters.

You obviously didn't read his post and this IS the relationship forum, meaning he can discuss this all he wants on here.

I'm a woman and I feel bad for him. I KNOW women like this and they piss me off. I never understand either why their men stay. I personally would not stay in an unhappy marriage for my kids. It affects them, people think it doesn't but it does. He even stated his son has been affected by it. People think their kids don't see it but they DO.

He obviously came here because he has talked with her and she isn't willing to change, it seems she thinks there is nothing wrong. He has gone to counseling, she won't. So him coming to an internet forum to get some opinions is harmless and it is a nice way to get unbiased opinions.

As I stated previously and as the OP agrees, this is not the place to discuss relationships in detail. Even the OP won't divulge some of their very personal history together and nor should he. And another thing, this is only one side of the equation - we don't have all the information, specifically, from her. So, the opinions given here can only be biased.

Dealing with Passive-Aggressive behavior

First, I believe that practically every human indulges in passive-agressivity from time to time. We only stick with it and increase its usage if WE DISCOVER A REWARD FOR DOING SO.

The aggressor depends on the target to play along. PA only works as long as the target is afraid to calmly speak the truth, and is afraid of saying what is unnacceptable.

Axiom 1: You train people how to interact with you.

In other words, the person is only engaging in behavior that proved successful in the past. You can train the person that they will no longer be rewarded for unacceptable behavior. You can do this by staying calm and polite, and most of all, by being forthright. Which leads us to the second point.

Axiom 2: "Being Nice is Not the Same as Being Good."

PA behavior depends on you being 'nice' and 'polite.' You need to be ready to be less than pleasant (but never rude, angry, or hateful), when pleasant has become code for not rocking the conversational boat.

PA behavior includes phrases like

"If you loved me, you'd do it my way"
"I don't know why you aren't more ambitious; you should have a better job. You're basically just lazy"
"I hope you won't be late again; you're always late. You don't really care"
"You should lose weight. That's why no one respects you. Fatty."

In each case, there is a command, embedded within judgments and put-downs. An effective answer requires you to discern between the command and the put-downs. You will never "explain your point of view" to a passive aggressor, since that requires their approval. They will never give it. So you accept it and communicate that you are indifferent to their false promise of approval.

Here are some responses:

"If you loved me, you wouldn't give me ultimatums. I'll do what is best for both of us."

"I hear your disapproval of how I live part of my life; but I do my job my way. You cannot control how I live that part of my life. You are not my parent (assuming this is true). You are not my boss. You are just an on-looker with opinions. You don't know enough about my job to advise me on how to do it."

"I cannot change the past. I take it seriously that you need for me to be there, and I will do my best to be on time. That will have to be good enough for you."

"I am working on my weight. The people who love me don't call me names. They help me feel good about my successes, and are rooting for me. You are just trying to make me feel bad. I know that, and don't let your unhappiness ruin my life."

In all of those, other than labeling the PA behavior, you respond by talking about yourself. PA assumes that yo need the aggressors approval. So take approval off the table. Show that you are not working to please them, because it won't work. But that you will do the right thing instead of fighting with them instead.

reply to post by Shdak


How did this every get on the front page. Go to Al-Anon man and get a life. You can only change yourself. Have to do your own work and the rest will work out. Geez.

IMO, from what you've shared, sure sounds like NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder ... and also, passive aggressive behavior is a main trait/characteristic of NPD. Therapy does not work for these people.

Google NPD and do some research. You'll see it's not your fault.

Your son is at risk for marrying a woman like her because we are attracted to the familiar. Sorry, but being married to these people sets a real bad example for the kids. Staying with someone like this often means one is a co-dependent to the behavior. You have to give up the hope that she can (or will) change. It won't happen.

If I were you I'd get into therapy real soon with someone who has extensive experience with NPD -- believe it or not, not all therapists do. A female older than yourself with an MSW/LCSW is probably your best bet and Imago Therapy is very effective. But, that's a personal choice.

Psychiatrists may want to medicate you ... not a good idea since you aren't the crazy one. Although, ironically, the crazy one isn't usually the one to get prescribed the meds -- the abused get prescribed medication.

Healing is a process that takes considerable time. But, if you don't start seeing any progress and feeling better about yourself within a few sessions find another therapist. Go alone at first, and when you find a therapist that you know can help you, and whom you totally trust, then go together with your son. The wrong therapist will make things worse. You don't want your son's experience with therapy to be a bad experience. So, be careful.

It's best not to tell your wife you are going to therapy. She will see it as threat. If she attends the therapy with you it will not work and there is no cure for NPD, if that is what she has ... and it sure sounds like it.

Going forward you and your son might be better off without her in your lives. These people are destructive and never change. Going forward, it can be very difficult to heal with her in your life and in your sons life. If you leave, she might use your son to get to you.

Best of luck to you and your son in your healing process. JANA

reply to post by Shdak


Never too late to change your life man, it's fleeting before your eyes do you really want to spend the remainder of it being oppressed by this psychotic lady? Perhaps she is a late in life lesbian and doesn't know it. Why subject yourself to more torment?

I think you son nailed it.

I see a man that is desperate for help and that is in pain.
You see, egoism and evil is rampant in this society combined with ignorance and me first syndrome, and feminism as well. Now, we are all equal,both sexes, but feminism have contributed to passive agressiveness against both.
I see this as selfishness and ego problem combined what is learned from society,media and peer pressure.
Its about that both learn to treat eachother with respect in words and actions. I dont think she understands, what it is shes actually doing or she might have come so far out she is lost in egoism.
She has to understand what her behavior does with you. If she doesnt listen after a serious talk, she probably is lost in egoism. But, treating her the same way will only make it worse. Try treating fire with water. Positive over negative.
Ignore her negativity. Walk. Dont respond. Encourage positivity.
Some women are angry or passive aggressive because they want their men to step up and be men,that will say, take responsibility as in the fifties. Its more in that than you think. see www.henrymakow.com
Nothing about unequalness but more men have become lost to their role in marriage,who they are,taking care of his family and be the flockleader and not her that work her but etc..(no offense being unemployed)
The laws of God and Creation can be solving it for you if thats what you choose. see www.phoenixsourcedistributors.com journal 27
it says how we should treat eachother and when you have a guiding light, you see your errors.
it takes a willingness to change.

I urge you to visit this page and watch the video. I just saw it last week. I know it will help. Bear with it, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable or annoyed, because it offers tremendous insight into others, ourselves, and our relationships. When you reject her, it makes her feel better. Please, please, please watch the video to the end. I can tell you for a fact it is very true.


Responding to rejection article

Victory over rejection video

reply to post by Shdak


You've spent 25 years being unhappy....that's no way to live. Do you really want to spend 25 more the same way?
Listen, I know you've been with her a long time, and that probably makes you feel obligated to stay with her...but you have to understand that living an unhappy life is NOT your obligation. You have a right to be happy and if you're not, then you need to make a change for yourself. If she refuses counseling and doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior, she isn't going to change....and as sad as that is, you have to accept it if you really and truly want to be happy.

As a woman, I'm horrified when I see another female treat her partner this way. To put it bluntly, I can't fathom why a man stays with a b*tch. You don't deserve to be treated that way and the sooner you realize that, the happier you will be.

Good luck to you, friend. I hope everything works out for you!

I was once that 17 year old son that told my father the same thing. I'm 30 years old now. My parents divorced. They both remarried. It didn't go well. They both ended up with people worse than before. So beware that after your first marriage, no one will ever love you like your first love. After watching this happen to both my parents I have come to the conclusion that if you divorce stay single. Divorce may work when people are in their younger years, but from my observations remarrying at an old age leads to many bad decisions due to the emotions involved at that age. ie fear of being alone etc.

From my observations - people who remarry older don't get the same kind of relationships that younger people do because it seems they are marrying out of fear of being alone. This leads to marriage that is all about what one can get from the other. And because by this time both partners have been married you both now the game so. -- this isn't a good thing.

1. Divorce - Stay single - DO NOT REMARRY
2. Bow down and fix the situation with possibly a year or more of hard work.

I wish I had never given my father the advice to divorce. My mother is now dead because of cancer and no health insurance and my father is married to a witch who has plunged them into massive debt and gets jelous of him talking to his son and daughter(strange). My dads wife's used to flip when he would give me money for bday. They aren't poor either, she just wants the money for her children. -- My mother would have always had health insurance with my dad, no matter how much he hated her.

These are just my observations -- Take it with a grain of salt.

reply to post by tovenar


This is good advice if you want to address this directly.
Start correcting "bitch behavior".
You can turn this situation right around if you understand the techniques and the patterns but this approach is not for everyone.
I wish you the best.

Eventually, I stopped answering, drove her crazy, went to live with her mom, I made sure that if she divorced me, there was nothing of any value that she new about, not even our abode, she did divorce, them moaned it cost her $26.00! Anyway, she bore me three fine sons, so no complaints on that score, those of us with a backbone do survive, and eventually prosper.

reply to post by InTheLight


Well she isn't here reaching out to others in concern of her marriage either. He is.

Be supportive or gtfo please. The guy is hurting. The last thing he needs is for someone to fly in on a broom and cackle at him. Hasn't he been browbeaten enough?

We all know there are people like this in the world. We do not need proof that this is happening or an oversight committee to remind us that we are only hearing one side of the story. Who cares to hear the other side? Nobody. She refused council. She doesn't even want to hear her own side of the story. That alone tells us all we need to know.

I'll take him for his word on it you know? I mean jeezus, it's not like he's trying to convince us that the Reptilians are coming.

You actually think a guy pour his guts out over something like this in a semi-public forum on false pretense? If so, to what end?

So what if deep down he is looking for sympathy? Sounds like he might need some. Why else would there be a relationship forum?

So are all males commenting in this thread woman-haters or just the ones that post in favor of the OP?

Who made you the arbiter of what is to be said or remain unspoken? So what if it isn't fair? Life isn't fair... as expressly exhibited by the testimony of the OP. You make it sound as if the man has an agenda. You are the only one here that has an apparent agenda. You picked a fight with your first post.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

with your children grown .. best thing you can do to regain your sanity is walk away .. not worth staying and putting up with such conduct from a wife .. children are smarter than people realise - your son most likely noticed years ago and asked out of concern for you now that he is grown ...

Its how you have your outlook in life...

The more negative energy you spread about her the more negative response you will get ... like this very thread...

Whenever you are in an argument, try being positive, try praising her for the troubles she has gone through , the positive energy you spread will come back to you and will be fruitful...

That is my outlook.....atleast

Originally posted by SlackOps
reply to post by InTheLight

 

Well she isn't here reaching out to others in concern of her marriage either. He is.

Be supportive or gtfo please. The guy is hurting. The last thing he needs is for someone to fly in on a broom and cackle at him. Hasn't he been browbeaten enough?

We all know there are people like this in the world. We do not need proof that this is happening or an oversight committee to remind us that we are only hearing one side of the story. Who cares to hear the other side? Nobody. She refused council. She doesn't even want to hear her own side of the story. That alone tells us all we need to know.

I'll take him for his word on it you know? I mean jeezus, it's not like he's trying to convince us that the Reptilians are coming.

You actually think a guy pour his guts out over something like this in a semi-public forum on false pretense? If so, to what end?

So what if deep down he is looking for sympathy? Sounds like he might need some. Why else would there be a relationship forum?

So are all males commenting in this thread woman-haters or just the ones that post in favor of the OP?

Who made you the arbiter of what is to be said or remain unspoken? So what if it isn't fair? Life isn't fair... as expressly exhibited by the testimony of the OP. You make it sound as if the man has an agenda. You are the only one here that has an apparent agenda. You picked a fight with your first post.

I hope you find what you're looking for.

I am being supportive of fairness and the truth. She was never diagnosed with this behaviour and who are you to say that he didn't contribute to the dysfunction or unhappiness. He wants to stay married and so does she obviously, and I'm in support of that and unlike you I was trying to help him get down to the real problem; not just blaming one person when both are responsible to work at it. By the way, I was trying to give him the benefit of my experience over the years with counselling and it won't work without her wanting it to work too. So, my advice to him would be to approach her another way; a way that she will know that it will be over unless she does put an effort in to save the marriage. But, keep in mind that most of the counsellors out there are very much confused, so finding one will be difficult. Ultimately, it is up to the two of them to decide what to do, not anyone here on this forum.

Read the few posts above, the name calling of his wife have begun, but I knew how this thread would turn out from the first.

I will always argue my point when I see unfairness, deal with it or gtfo.

OP...ask her to give it one more try. I found a good article for you to read. I hope it helps.

www.projecthappilyeverafter.com...