Need Some Honesty from all you Single Men Out There

reply to post by timidgal


I am not single and I am not middle age but I feel I need to respond to this thread. The Majority of people are selfish. I call a person to be friend when they don't lie to me especially if the discussion is serious. When they lie to me 3 times, I walk away from them and never look back. When I interact with friends I use the language that they can always be comfortable in my company. Hurting people can be with a gun or simple words. Both ways it effects the life. I cannot say the man you met is honest or dishonest, but i met people that blob their mouth irresponsible. He has to earn your trust before you let your guards off. Just keep in mind that nobody is perfect.
Wish you the best.

Originally posted by timidgal
Okay so this is the very first rant I've ever posted on ATS, but honestly, I just don't get it and I need some honesty from all you single gents out there.

I am a middle-aged, better-than-average looking divorced female (not trying to be conceited here but stating what many have told me) who has, for many years and reasons, stayed away from the singles scene because I just didn't think it was worth it. The last guy I was involved with turned out to be a sociopath who haunted me for years and years. Anyway, a few months ago, I decided that life is too short and I meet a great guy - we have lots in common, the chemistry is great, he professes his intentions to build a loving and solid future together (his statement and not mine) and all is cautiously hopeful. Then completely out of the blue, a friend emails me to say that she just saw a profile of my man on one of the dating sites and it's current because it says he's "Online Now". WTF???

What is it that we women are missing in our thinking? Believe me, I'm independent and have learned that you don't need a man to feel complete (and vice versa for all you gentlemen out there, as well as all you same-sex attracted individuals), but just when I finally let my guard down and think "well maybe...", I get hit upside the head with a ton of bricks.

Can someone please explain this to me? If you're a middle-aged man and you meet a compatible, attractive, affectionate female who is supposedly the antithesis of what you've been looking for, what is it that drives you to stray? Can someone please explain this insanity to me? Needless to say, his butt is being kicked to the curb but I feel like this was it for me and I'm not putting myself out there again. Can anyone lend some clarity to this?

By the way, thanks for reading my rant. I'm just really fed up and hurt...

TG

Are you sure your friend is telling you the truth? Did you verify it with your own eyes? Is your friend single too? Possibly jealous of you?

There is nothing more insane than a jealous woman....

You Keep saying his and not mine when there's mention of a loving relationship - it sounds as if you're not interested in him anyway. Why do you care what he's doing?

reply to post by timidgal


Well it seems like you pointing out the fact about him making all the requests that possibly to him, it seems like you don't want to go anywhere with the relationship?

To me, the way you have worded it makes it seem like he's the one trying to move the relationship forward.

But I'm not sure of the circumstances, but I bet this thing happens a lot in society so nothing new.

It really does suck to be in your situation, regardless of how he was found out. I don't want to be negative but it does sort of sound like he maybe felt distant from you. It seemed like you weren't wanting to invest much into the relationship.

Probably already covered but:

Your boyfriend is scum because he was on a dating site.

Your good friend who is happily married found his profile, AND you used it to log on and see his profile.

You say your friend is good and your boyfriend is bad.

Aren't they doing the same thing?

If your friend is indeed good, then your boyfriend may be also.

reply to post by timidgal


You obviously are attracted to losers, stop picking the same type of guys.

"My girlfriend is nice...... but I wonder... can I do better if I'm going to make this my last choice, and the one I want to be with from now on"....?

It's just using logic here, trying to put together a motive for an action you suspect or have been made aware of.
But without you confronting him, you really don't know his reasons. On the face of it, it would appear he is stillshopping. And IF that is the case, your product..... and offhand, thats not a position you want to be in.
You don't sound completely sold on him either, even barring this latest event.

If honesty is amiss now, can you expect it later? I'm sorry to be negative, but the 'elements' you seek don't seem to be there.

reply to post by timidgal


I'm a 27 year old guy in need of an better than average looking middle aged women to cure me of chasing 22 year olds..

Seriously though.. how did your friend find his dating profile? Did you meet him on the dating site? Maybe he has friends on there that he only talks to on that site? Maybe he was on it trying to delete? Maybe he is keeping options open until he's sure you want the same things.

Don't jump to conclusions, a lot of times worrying will make you think the worst.

I think I would be defensive with anyone I met on a dating website. I personally don't visit them, but they offer a kind of "fast food" dating service. Immediate gratification that someone is interested in your profile or picture, driving self worth, and potentially creating new personal identity.

I also believe it takes time to find out if a person is imbalanced, or has personality disorders. There are cases where you see it immediately, but some can hide it for months and even years. If I was female I wouldn't date a guy seriously without running a background check on him. I personally am glad I'm not female, but as a male I would be interested in seeing a credit check on a female before getting to serious.

I really have a negative few on internet dating, since I mostly feel it is full of sex addicts.

I think at this point in time, to better understand the situation at hand the OP is gonna need to post a picture of her self. Im still figuring out why "Better than average looking" middle aged woman would be looking through the dating site classifieds..?

In my humble opinion, love is not found by looking for it, at least not in most ways suggested by our culture. The looking and the having are different exercises, each with its own benefits, and neither can replace the other, which makes the transition from one to the other difficult.

Hey Princess....these replies are enough to break your heart even further.........There is soo much sleez and dishonesty in this world....I don't know anymore.......I dance with my dogs, the cat looks at us like we're crazy...I go skinny dipping and listen to LOTS of music......after 9 mns of total misery...I'm going to a Holiday party tonight...yikes...what should I wear? Hang in there sweetheart...

Try some honesty then.
I am a male and I meet a female who I would like to engage in sex with.
Why do I lie?
Because females have decided that some crock of b.s. exchange is a mandatory part of the mating ritual.
"I like long walks on the beach" is acceptable
Honesty, such as "I like b.j.'s on the beach" and the game ends.
Should I tell you honestly that I find your mind dull and limited and only waste my time talking to you because it is a necessary part of the ritual to gain access to your body which is the only part of you I find interesting then I will probably have to go find another female and begin this whole tedious charade all over again.
Why aren't men honest with you?
Because you don't want them to be.
That is obvious as every time a male tries being honest with you you will stop dealing with him and attempt to find another male who will repeat all the proper standard lies.
Women wear short skirts and tight sweaters to the clubs and then expect a guy (with a straight face no less) to pretend he was attracted by her intellect from across the room. Should he be honest and simply say "I wanted sex and you looked easy" how much longer would you deal with him?
Men lie because women demand it.

reply to post by Puck 22

You have taken me to a whole new level of understanding. Something that years of doing girl lunches with friends, discussing this very topic, never found the answer to.
Not only was your comment comedic but actually had a good point.The realistic accountability hit me between the eyes. Well it did after I stopped laughing.

reply to post by Puck 22




You won't get those sort of emotional complications If you get straight to the point

and deal with those women who do what you want for a living!

Problem solved from your point of view

Originally posted by timidgal
reply to post by Kody27

 

Now I could pound on you for your apathetic views, but I did ask the question and you're merely supplying your own answer.

With that said, I never stated that this guy was a sociopath and I don't agree with your opinion that we project ourselves onto our partners. I believe that in any successful relationship, you'll usually find a ying and a yang to balance each other. Just my own opinion.

As for your other comments about sexual fantasies, I'll just put you firmly in the "guys are dogs" column if that's your honest feeling...

Sex is a cornerstone for a healthy marriage, and a romantic relationship in general. If the sex isn't good, he will go somewhere else. Whether you think that is dog-like or not is irrelevant. A man will find good sex if it's the last thing he does. Period.

reply to post by Kody27

Kody27,

I've recently undergone the epiphany that it's not much different for women if we're secure enough to be truly honest. A lot of women go through life feeling "satisfied" because they think their husband/significant other is satisfied, but this is just a sign of insecurity. In order for any type of physically intimate relationship to truly flourish, BOTH individuals' needs must be met. Thanks for your feedback!

TG

I'm going to have to play devils advocate for a minute, before I respond to the original query. It may interest you to know how some dating sites operate; some will reactivate profiles after they have been deleted and some will say you are online when you are not. Many sites are filled with fake profiles as well, so when they get real ones they like to keep those to fill out an area. If 10 men are posted in a county what good is the site? So they fill them out with fakes, and reactivate closed ones, when you sign up on those things the eula says they can use your info however they want. I was hanging with a friend once helping her with a profile and it showed myself as being online and it had been weeks since last logged in, I thought it was creepy that they had it active when I was not, so there's that side to consider on those websites.

Now my apologies for giving advice if you have already dealt with this situation, I could only make it about 2 and 1/4 pages in before replying. This friend of yours is happily married as you say. Perhaps asking her why she is compelled to be window shopping on a dating site when happily married? She might give you a straight answer... after all the guy in question was allegedly doing the same thing; if so she could have given you insight into the behavior instead of having to take it to strangers online.

There are a number of reasons why someone would ask another to remove a profile. it is not so cut and dry as it may seem... here's a a couple.

1. insecurity, a guy may feel inadequate if your self description is accurate and they are lacking self esteem... if this is the case just run away, these men are the typical "nice guy" is a facade the true self will come out when they feel you're in too deep, their facade is hiding control issues, and their insecurity will always have you guilty... where you going? what are you doing? who are you talking too? yes that kind of nonsense that can lead to an abusive relationship or a toxic one. These people honestly are looking for a self esteem boost, the initial rush they get is not love or butterflies it is an inflated ego, hey they got a date so maybe they aren't such a loser after all... and after that initial rush the controls start popping out when the insecurity returns.

2. The guy thinks he can do better, he has some ideal in his mind of what his perfect partner would be... perhaps you fill 80% or even 99% of that but something he wants is lacking could be one major thing, and not to sound crass but it is going to be something in the bedroom department in these cases, it isn't going to be about looks, it isn;t going to be about money, it isn't going to be about cooking or cleaning or something you said... if you don't f__k and s__k the guy and rock his word in the boudoir, his mind and eye are going to start wandering and wondering and either leave you or cheat...

I know you're saying hey wait a minute! I do all sorts of stuff! Hey, quite a few men have some particular tastes you're not going to be aware of. because when having the sex talk do not judge or offer personal input... just listen, if you react or offer input... because he will choose his words and you will not get the entire picture... instead be on the edge of your seat ready to smile, nod and make short comments like wow to keep spurring him on. Guys will go on and on readily about subjects they like... and sex happens to be one of the big ones... they don't care if it's a one sided conversation, by the end of that attentive listening you will know what kind of guy you are dealing with.

If he's mentioned some stuff you certainly won't do... then your best bet if you are looking for a serious committed relationship is to not continue with the man further... and here's why. The guy is going to be completely happy he is getting some ok? He will say and do anything to keep the gravy train flowing if he manages to get it started... and then it happens that, you don't do whatever it is that that guy really wants; guess what? He eventually gets frustrated and starts window shopping... no matter how fulfilling the relationship may be otherwise, and he will be moody and nit pick... because someone out there will do all those dirty little things you won't do and he wants to find her. If he has no moral compass, he will just cheat on you until you find out, if he does have one he will break it off. If he's an a-hole he will blame it on you and give you insecurity issues... if he blames it on something else he is trying to let you down easy; maybe he's the sort that won't cheat but talk and has already found someone but hasn't gotten physical, that guy will start stuff for no reason and be crabby trying to get you to initiate the break up giving him what he wants... which is out, guys that want out will do this too sometimes even if they haven't met someone, they'd rather you be mad, they typically refer to an ex as the B word.

I am out of room... so nighty nites.

You make a fake profile, message him, and see his reaction. or just have your friend do it.

It's possible he's just using the forums of the site. Interesting stories sometimes.

I'm inclined to agree with vagabond. You don't find true love when you're looking for it.
I learned that in school and am still single at 24.

I'd rather be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship.