Advice for Married Men and Women

Struth (yes, Aussie slang)

I have been married for 21 years (now 45) we are happy; we had kids after 15 years…… we both have careers, disagree occasionally – make up, juggle work / life balances, we have a house, take holidays etc…..

Even with my experience, I would never offer advice to others about how to conduct or seek assistance for a relationship matter in any way….

If you can’t work it out yourselves, then it probably should not be?….. Either that or seek professional help (not internet help) if you’re having problems or you need assistance to work things out.

Would the OP (or anyone here) be happy if he gave the wrong advice and one person murdered another?

Of course not as you would be liable as the instigator, so perhaps think again if you want to openly offer advice to others that you do not know and in regards to matters of the heart.

What about just being responcible for a 'break-up' of a relationship, could anyone really be proud of doing such a thing? (not including breaking up relationships that contain abuse in any way)

Just be careful…… I have seen to many relationships go sour because outside help is always offered or pursued.

If you want to just add helpful titbits or sayings that do not go to deep, then that is ok, I found some by the OP and others very amusing.

Mickierocksman

Originally posted by Binder
Co-dependency in my opinion is the #1 relationship killer. It all goes back to the wonderful advice about being responsible for your own happiness, and loving yourself. When you are happy, and love yourself for who, and what you are (this is usually a product of your choices) then you are able to give in a relationship. You have a full well to draw from as it were.

Too many of us look to another person for happiness. So many are looking for "the one" who "makes" them happy. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. You have to simply be happy, make the choice to be happy, and make choices that bring happiness, then find someone to share that happiness with.

If you hear yourself making statements like "If you really loved me you would(or wouldn't) do, or say...." You are co-dependent, and your happiness is tied to the other person's actions, and choices, making control of their lives your only security, and path to happiness. This path will destroy them, and if you really love them you don't want to do them harm correct?

Their are so few non-codependent people in the world that finding a suitable person mature enough for a relationship is very hard. The first step though is become self dependent first, thgen you will recognize this level of maturity in others. When you finally find another self actualized person go for it. You won't find another for a long, long time.

Thank you! A true co-dependent doesn't have their own hobbies or interests other than driving their spouse/partner nuts. Been there and have ran from that when I was young. If I was at work he was peeping in the windows making sure there was no cheat. I got so many calls at work my manager threatened to fire me. If I go to the bathroom he followed till the door hit his forehead. If I was learning C on the computer he continually interrupted my study checking for porn or msg bubbles trying to find the cheat. We would watch a movie together and he would stare at my head the whole time, every time, every movie (which felt creepy).

If I went to my band's practice session he would tag along and say, "If you loved me you would take me somewhere else." Never mind the fact that I wouldn't know the songs for our live performance the next evening and look like a fool. The thing is that he wasn't interested in going to watch me practice because that wasn't interesting to him. He just didn't want me out of his sight for fear someone would steal me away while I was practicing in a basement. Accused friends (even straight friends) of cheating with me which was embarrassing. I'm just saying I knew them before him so if there was something going on wouldn't I have been in a relationship with them?

What he wanted was for me to give up my interests and ambitions and be exactly like he was. It didn't matter how much you re-assure the co-dependent everything is ok and to give me a little breathing room they cannot be comforted. Basically the co-dependent wants to separate you from everyone else you know so they don't have to compete with others for your affection/time whether it be friends, family, co-workers, a perceived romantic interest. The relationship changed from very loving, then nit picky and accusing (trying to re-create me), to having animosity (on my part), to ambivalence on my part (aka tuning out the ranting fool). I think I heard every "If you love me." routine.

If you love me you won't visit your parents once a month (I was 18-19 when I was in this relationship).
If you love me you won't invite your brother here unless you ask me first.
If you love me you will tell your mother to not call as much (once or twice a week)
If you love me you won't close the door to the bathroom
If you love me you won't make friends without me
If you love me you will stand up to your boss so I can call you at work again
If you love me quit your band so we can spend more time together
If you love me you will ditch this friend or that friend because they take up too much of your time or I don't trust this friend.

All this and more went on more than a year. Nothing kills romance more than an, "If you love me ultimatum."

The animosity built up so deep the last time I got this ultimatum I said," I won't give up anything else for you because I do not love you at all." (This after being hit in the back of of my head with a soda bottle while he screamed about me visiting my parents). I packed up what stuff that would fit in a car and left the rest of my things (aquarium setup, guitar, keyboard, studio amps, new computer etc..) and drove 200 miles back home and never saw that person again. I know a lot of people that are in relationships like this and I'm sorry but, get out. Being in a relationship like this is like slowly drowning.

PS....I have never cheated

Originally posted by DIRTYDONKEY

Originally posted by corvuscorrax
reply to post by vkey08

 

Not everyone is of the happy go lucky positive outlooks.

Our lives have been dissapointing failures that make our hearts hard and our minds dark.

understandable, but when you do find that one person who will bring softness back to your heat and will be the light that extinguishes the darkness, you will find a happy outlook. I was a very bitter person, ok still am, but my wife has brought out the good in me, helped me to see the good in me, and has giving me two beautiful daughters that i would positively kill for. if the person your with makes you miserable or doesn't bring you happiness then they aren't the one for you. You will find the one some day and you will see. yes life is filled with pain misery confusion and darkness, but thru it all there is someone out there that can make you smile when it hurts, catch your tears when you cry, help you to understand, and show you the light.

I am the supreme being of bitterness, hate, and overall #ty attitude, and disregard for my common man, and i found happiness, don't give up.

Not to judge you, but it seems to me life is a series of occasional wonderful things, occasional terrible things, and mostly ordinary things. Could it be that you don't see the wonderful and ordinary things?

reply to post by nenothtu


You did correctly.

A good spouse NEVER drops bombs like that.

You NEVER threaten to divorce. You just do it. If you have to mention it (in a serious conversation), things are already pretty much toast.

Originally posted by vkey08
Remember the old bit of advice...

Women are always right , even when they are wrong....

Seriously, to the person above me that said don't have kids and get divorced asap, that's not very nice.. I have children and they have made my life..... I love them with all my heart and soul and even though my husband is no longer around (he died) I still wouldn't have changed having them for all the money int he world.

It's interesting, though, that some women want children because it might knit their crumbling relationship together and bring her closer to her husband. Fact is, all the wobbly relationships I've seen got even worse with kids in the picture. If you want kids, your relationship better be strong to begin with, otherwise it won't survive the strain.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything in the world and my husband and I are still happily married and going strong after 11 years, but I have to say, we almost never argued before we had a child. With kids, all your old buttons from childhood are pushed -- different views on child rearing, appropriate punishments, consistency, and, and, and.

Of course, those marriages that can't survive children are probably doomed to begin with.

Originally posted by duhPUNX
What about different religious views in a committed relationship. Like my girlfriend being a Christian and me being an atheist. And she always bringing up if I'm ever gonna convert or anything. What would you do?

Sorry to say, but she probably picked you thinking she could change you over time (which is evidenced by her continuing to ask when you'll convert). Been there, done that... and learned that you can NEVER change anyone, and that most people don't change on their own. The only person you can change is you. So you better be OK with the person you start a relationship with because the chances that you'll be able to change them are slim to none, and Slim's out of town.

reply to post by toochaos4u

If you love me you won't visit your parents once a month (I was 18-19 when I was in this relationship). If you love me you won't invite your brother here unless you ask me first. If you love me you will tell your mother to not call as much (once or twice a week) If you love me you won't close the door to the bathroom If you love me you won't make friends without me If you love me you will stand up to your boss so I can call you at work again If you love me quit your band so we can spend more time together If you love me you will ditch this friend or that friend because they take up too much of your time or I don't trust this friend.

OMG..That is very immature and that is a good example of the "if you loved me " quote being used as a silly game.

I think couples need to learn how to express their concerns in a healthier way.

It feels like you don't consider my feelings when you do "such and such"would work much better.

Communication,and how you communicate is key to a healthy long term relationship that thrives in love.

She may have need to address those issues, because holding it back isn't good, but a good partner should want to know how their spouse feels about having someone over all the time.

Try and put the shoe on the other foot in some scenarios, and you may just understand with better insight what the issue is about.

Originally posted by sylvie

Originally posted by vkey08
Remember the old bit of advice...

Women are always right , even when they are wrong....

Seriously, to the person above me that said don't have kids and get divorced asap, that's not very nice.. I have children and they have made my life..... I love them with all my heart and soul and even though my husband is no longer around (he died) I still wouldn't have changed having them for all the money int he world.

It's interesting, though, that some women want children because it might knit their crumbling relationship together and bring her closer to her husband. Fact is, all the wobbly relationships I've seen got even worse with kids in the picture. If you want kids, your relationship better be strong to begin with, otherwise it won't survive the strain.

Don't get me wrong, I love my son more than anything in the world and my husband and I are still happily married and going strong after 11 years, but I have to say, we almost never argued before we had a child. With kids, all your old buttons from childhood are pushed -- different views on child rearing, appropriate punishments, consistency, and, and, and.

Of course, those marriages that can't survive children are probably doomed to begin with.

I've always considered the idiots that think "oh, we'll just have a baby and it will be better".selfish bastards. Its better after huh?

For whom?

Your right. Having a kid IS a major step. If your not absolutely rock freakin solid, dont bring another soul into the mix. My younger sister is a prime example of that. Totally screwed up.

Being a grown up and being married isnt a freakin game. Its serious stuff.

The words are "for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health".

Not "if its kinda sucky, chuck it!".

This is also not to include abuse issues. That is immediate grounds for GTF out!
....and arm yourself in case!

reply to post by WhisperingWinds


Good point.

I guess it still goes back to communication.

Phrasing it correctly would definately make a difference.

i.e.

"When i look at you, time stands still"

not

"You have a face that would stop a clock!"




I have another for the list of stuff to do!

Dye your wifes hair for her! (With her, its better red than dead...too much silver coming in) I dont mind though.

its cheaper and kinda fun!

When I'm done , i like to "snork" her hair!

Remember the cartoon with the critters with the thing on their heads? Stupid cartoon.

"Honey, did you snork me?"

snicker snicker

"oh no dear...not me."

reply to post by felonius

i.e. "When i look at you, time stands still" not "You have a face that would stop a clock!"

Thanks for the chuckle

Which reminds me how much humor is such an integral part of a relationship, and how you do need to share a sense of humor , to keep that love alive. Timing is everything , and the brand of humor you enjoy is key.

So "remember to laugh" is another to add to the list. ooops it was on the list.

On a side note a few more sayings that start out one way but end another which your little example reminded me of.

Your face is treasure ....bury it.

Your eyes are like diamonds ...baseball diamonds

Your lips are like petals....bicycle petals

We thought these quite hilarious as kids, but I wouldn't recommend using them on someone you love , unless of course you know they would laugh. They are a bit juvenile, but had to stick em in

Buy a copy of 50 shades of grey... I have been whipping that b&tch into submission for weeks now...

reply to post by IpsissimusMagus
For women
1 stay in shape

2 dont nag

For men
1 Dump her fat ass if she puts on weight, and nags.

Originally posted by hotel1
reply to post by IpsissimusMagus

 

For women
1 stay in shape

2 dont nag

For men
1 Dump her fat ass if she puts on weight, and nags.

and vice versa.... especially if he nags about money spent to stay looking good and in shape.(half kidding)

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds

Originally posted by hotel1
reply to post by IpsissimusMagus

 

For women
1 stay in shape

2 dont nag

For men
1 Dump her fat ass if she puts on weight, and nags.

and vice versa.... especially if he nags about money spent to stay looking good and in shape.(half kidding)

edit on 12-7-2012 by WhisperingWinds because: (no reason given)

Agreed

Originally posted by hotel1
reply to post by IpsissimusMagus

 

For women
1 stay in shape

2 dont nag

For men
1 Dump her fat ass if she puts on weight, and nags.

So.. you're saying that people over a certain weight are no longer lovable? And are somehow no longer human? And should be discarded?

I'm glad I only weigh about 120 pounds in your world..... because any more and i'd be classed as "get rid of material"

That is one of the most shallow comments I've ever seen on this site... boo

reply to post by vkey08


I was thinking he was half joking himself, but if he wasn't I think hes making the point of attraction being a primary thing that men often go for in women , and when she doesn't seem to care anymore, and starts being a negative voice in his ear all the time, that can put a damper on romance .

Hes thinking "where is the cute sweet thing I fell in love with?" , and she most likely needs reassurance that he still cares .

Some men do seem to be more driven by the physical though, and a woman should know that before she gets in too deep.. ..and vice versa.

Originally posted by vkey08

Originally posted by hotel1
reply to post by IpsissimusMagus

 

For women
1 stay in shape

2 dont nag

For men
1 Dump her fat ass if she puts on weight, and nags.

So.. you're saying that people over a certain weight are no longer lovable? And are somehow no longer human? And should be discarded?

I'm glad I only weigh about 120 pounds in your world..... because any more and i'd be classed as "get rid of material"

That is one of the most shallow comments I've ever seen on this site... boo

You seem to have misunderstood the topic of this thread.

My point was a sweet natured slender individual lets themselves go physically, and turns ill tempered they are inconsiderate, and probably not worth sticking with. The topic was after all about staying happy in relationship

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by vkey08

 

I was thinking he was half joking himself, but if he wasn't I think hes making the point of attraction being a primary thing that men often go for in women , and when she doesn't seem to care anymore, and starts being a negative voice in his ear all the time, that can put a damper on romance .

Hes thinking "where is the cute sweet thing I fell in love with?" , and she most likely needs reassurance that he still cares .

Some men do seem to be more driven by the physical though, and a woman should know that before she gets in too deep..

..and vice versa. [/quote

Right on the money again that is exactly the point I was making.

reply to post by hotel1


In all fairness Hotel..is this what you want to end up with?

Originally posted by WhisperingWinds
reply to post by hotel1

 

In all fairness Hotel..is this what you want to end up with?

Great one night stand material, but definately not relationship material. Enjoyed the vid thanks