Originally posted by Binder
Co-dependency in my opinion is the #1 relationship killer. It all goes back to the wonderful advice about being responsible for your own happiness,
and loving yourself. When you are happy, and love yourself for who, and what you are (this is usually a product of your choices) then you are able to
give in a relationship. You have a full well to draw from as it were.
Too many of us look to another person for happiness. So many are looking for "the one" who "makes" them happy. IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. You have to
simply be happy, make the choice to be happy, and make choices that bring happiness, then find someone to share that happiness with.
If you hear yourself making statements like "If you really loved me you would(or wouldn't) do, or say...." You are co-dependent, and your
happiness is tied to the other person's actions, and choices, making control of their lives your only security, and path to happiness. This path will
destroy them, and if you really love them you don't want to do them harm correct?
Their are so few non-codependent people in the world that finding a suitable person mature enough for a relationship is very hard. The first step
though is become self dependent first, thgen you will recognize this level of maturity in others. When you finally find another self actualized person
go for it. You won't find another for a long, long time.
Thank you! A true co-dependent doesn't have their own hobbies or interests other than driving their spouse/partner nuts. Been there and have ran from
that when I was young. If I was at work he was peeping in the windows making sure there was no cheat. I got so many calls at work my manager
threatened to fire me. If I go to the bathroom he followed till the door hit his forehead. If I was learning C on the computer he continually
interrupted my study checking for porn or msg bubbles trying to find the cheat. We would watch a movie together and he would stare at my head the
whole time, every time, every movie (which felt creepy).
If I went to my band's practice session he would tag along and say, "If you loved me you would take me somewhere else." Never mind the fact that I
wouldn't know the songs for our live performance the next evening and look like a fool. The thing is that he wasn't interested in going to watch me
practice because that wasn't interesting to him. He just didn't want me out of his sight for fear someone would steal me away while I was practicing
in a basement. Accused friends (even straight friends) of cheating with me which was embarrassing. I'm just saying I knew them before him so if there
was something going on wouldn't I have been in a relationship with them?
What he wanted was for me to give up my interests and ambitions and be exactly like he was. It didn't matter how much you re-assure the co-dependent
everything is ok and to give me a little breathing room they cannot be comforted. Basically the co-dependent wants to separate you from everyone else
you know so they don't have to compete with others for your affection/time whether it be friends, family, co-workers, a perceived romantic interest.
The relationship changed from very loving, then nit picky and accusing (trying to re-create me), to having animosity (on my part), to ambivalence on
my part (aka tuning out the ranting fool). I think I heard every "If you love me." routine.
If you love me you won't visit your parents once a month (I was 18-19 when I was in this relationship).
If you love me you won't invite your brother here unless you ask me first.
If you love me you will tell your mother to not call as much (once or twice a week)
If you love me you won't close the door to the bathroom
If you love me you won't make friends without me
If you love me you will stand up to your boss so I can call you at work again
If you love me quit your band so we can spend more time together
If you love me you will ditch this friend or that friend because they take up too much of your time or I don't trust this friend.
All this and more went on more than a year. Nothing kills romance more than an, "If you love me ultimatum."
The animosity built up so deep the last time I got this ultimatum I said," I won't give up anything else for you because I do not love you at all."
(This after being hit in the back of of my head with a soda bottle while he screamed about me visiting my parents). I packed up what stuff that
would fit in a car and left the rest of my things (aquarium setup, guitar, keyboard, studio amps, new computer etc..) and drove 200 miles back home
and never saw that person again. I know a lot of people that are in relationships like this and I'm sorry but, get out. Being in a relationship
like this is like slowly drowning.
PS....I have never cheated