Look at what my wife posted on another mans Facebook page.

Originally posted by Myendica
reply to post by nofear39

 

then you should ask her, "what is it that you want with me?" "what is it that you want with life?" "why can we not connect?". These are good starting points. If it fades, it fades.. Doesnt mean you must get upset over her fb post. You should be worried about what pushed her to do so. Do push her, but be honest with her. Communicate.

i dont need any advice thanks anyway pal

Originally posted by lakesidepark


And realize your records may also be used against you, and if you DO have some indiscretions that can be found, that she doesn't know about (and that she can find), then your plan will need to be altered - fifnd a way to share your indiscretions with her THAT YOU CAN PROVE, make your amends, then DO have sex and keep some evidence to prove it so YOU can nullify YOUR past (see first statement above - it goes both ways). A box of condoms with a dated purchase receipt and one empty package, and an email or some written communication with her afterwards, should be kept to prove the 'event' for your protection.

You want him to keep his used condoms?

I don't know her side of things so I will just say this based on reading your posts in this thread.

If you want this marriage you have a lot of work ahead of you. The fact that she showed you her facebook messages is a good sign. A really good sign. She may have made a mistake in posting on his wall but maybe it is just a platonic friendship. As a woman who has has been cheated on, her showing you her fb private messages is a good sign. I asked my ex to see his, and he said, you don't need to see what is in my inbox, that's none of your business. Two months later we separated.

If you really want it to work, you need to try and find the common ground between you two again. By everything you have posted, I am not sure you want this relationship anymore but if you do. you both have work ahead. A marriage is a career in many respects, you need to work hard at it for it to be good and fruitful. Whatever happens, I pray for the best for you, your wife and your children.

Originally posted by KewlDaddyFatty
Thanks for all the comments.

Her and I are emotionally detached from one another. We both know this. Like I said before, my marriage has been rocky for some time. We do have children with each other and they are young. Neither of us want to break up our home. Neither of us want to hurt one another but we both recognize we have problems.

I have suggested we see a counselor together. A neutral mediator may offer some advice for us both. I just don't think she's really open to the idea. When I get home today I am going to tell her that we HAVE to go. If she disagrees then I will do what needs to be done to move on.

Last night I did ask her to show me her messages on her facebook. I want to trust in her but I just can't. She told me there was nothing there to see and after looking I felt like an ass because I never found anything incriminating. She had explained to me she just didn't think what she had done was a big deal at the time and that she just wasn't thinking when she posted that to his profile. She did say she was sorry. She did say she does not want to hurt me and that she really messed up. Hopefully, with a bit of hard work and luck, we can get our spark for one another back.

Thanks again, I will keep you all posted.

If she won't go to counselor with you, then go see a marriage counselor on your very own by yourself.
Sure, you might feel a little ridiculous, but, some professional advice and consultation from and with a professional as opposed to people on a conspiracy forum could well indeed help.

Further, if she sees some positive effect from your own solo participation with marriage counsel, she may warm up to joining in with you.



We here are life experience opinion and advice. We're not paid professionals in the field of saving marriages. Go see a professional even if it's by yourself. They'll have better advice than you can get here, and even if some advice they give is similar to some given here, their advice is backed up by education, certification, and experience in a professional capacity.

We here are life experience opinion and advice. We're not paid professionals in the field of saving marriages.

What we do, however, is offer to you every aspect of your life choices. It's up to you to decide.

Most people have told you to leave her. I was the same. WE do this for a reason, as the ATS collective, because we present the worst case scenario, and by telling you to leave your wife, you realize your options. We spell them out for you, something that is sometimes VERY hard to do when you are embedded in the situation. Once you step back, and read/listen to us, you realize some of the very reasons you fell in love in her in the first place.

See, every relationship is different. Only you and her feel the dynamics of your own relationship. We know very little about you, only what you tell us, and using the information we have, we give the generalized opinion. In this case, I'd say 97% percent said to leave. That should speak volumes to you, but you, like a man really in love with his spouse, decided you were an ass, and are now on the road to repair. Start dating your wife again. Tell her you love her, and give her back all the things you did when you first fell in love.

The bottom line is trust. If you can say you trust her, and she gives you what YOU need to believe her, then you are on the road to repair. It takes work. It takes kisses, and intimacy, and the realization that you BOTH are at fault for letting your marriage slip into a mundane relationship.

Don't throw blame around. Talk about the things you both disagree with in your relationship. That, my friend, is the path to happiness.

Originally posted by CaptainNemo

Originally posted by lakesidepark


And realize your records may also be used against you, and if you DO have some indiscretions that can be found, that she doesn't know about (and that she can find), then your plan will need to be altered - fifnd a way to share your indiscretions with her THAT YOU CAN PROVE, make your amends, then DO have sex and keep some evidence to prove it so YOU can nullify YOUR past (see first statement above - it goes both ways). A box of condoms with a dated purchase receipt and one empty package, and an email or some written communication with her afterwards, should be kept to prove the 'event' for your protection.

You want him to keep his used condoms?

There is definitely a deficiency in our education system. More and more I see people that know how to quote but do not know how to comprehend the words they read in the quote. And I see people that will ignore the exact wording of the direct quote and add their own interpretation. Even when the quote is quite clear and does not include any of the statements that are later attributed to it.

This response to my post is a direct example of this deficiency.

Can you not see 'EMPTY package'? And further, where do you see the words 'used condoms'?

Reading is not enough. Comprehension is required before being fully able to contribute to any discussion with any level of intelligence.

reply to post by KewlDaddyFatty


The best recommendation I could give you is to simply, honestly tell her how much it bothers you. If she accuses you of being jealous or something, agree. She would know exactly how you felt, but at the same time it shows her you still care enough about her to get jealous.

reply to post by KewlDaddyFatty


I have I have read most of the posts on here but would like to offer you a scenario. I can see that you are stuck and can't get out but there is a way out that still allows for reconciliation. Tell her the truth. Tell her you are hurt and that you don't trust her. Tell her you cannot continue to play the role of husband because you no longer trust her. Tell her that it is not financially feasible for the two of you to live separately at this time. Let her know that you want what is best for the kids and right now both financially and emotionally it is best for the two of you to live together. After telling her everything break up with her.

It is possible to separate from your spouse and continue to live with her. If you want the relationship to work stay faithful to her while separated, and tell her that if she wants to regain your trust that she must not have another partner. Honestly the last thing either of you needs right now is another relationship. If she wants the relationship to work she will make this commitment. She needs to know that she has lost you before she can decide what she wants. Right now she has you and this other man.

If you can truly let her go while still living with her she will be forced to see you in a different way. You will become father and provider and no longer will you be husband. Most women want the best father and provider but they become bored and start to seek excitement. Marriage is not about excitement it is about commitment and friendship. By breaking up with her and taking away the role of husband and friend from your responsibility she may come to realize that you are what she really wants.

You already separated and came back together once proving that she still feels some attachment to you. Separating like this also allows the children time to adapt to mom and dad being simply mom and dad and not husband and wife. The real key is to let her go and stop caring for her emotional needs.

If you believe in God pray God's will be done. Keep the prayer simple and allow God to guide you. Ask God to direct you to the right path and be willing to do whatever you believe that God is asking you to do.

Originally posted by Myendica
Dude.. I dont know why or how you viewed what she posted on someones fb page, but thats whats going to destroy your marriage. Women hate insecure men, and so stop "checkin" in on her. The first thing they do is confide else where. You must keep your cool. Rule number one, always, regardless of the playing field, MAINTAIN YOUR COMPOSURE! Say your sorry and stop being selfish and tend to her needs. Being a man sucks.. But someones gotta do it..

This guy is exactly right.

Treat her to something spontaneous and that night try something exciting that she wouldn't expect in the bedroom

reply to post by choppedbrisket


Again, your advice, I can see how that would make a person feel good right away to "get even" BUT there are kids involved.................innocent kids that didn't ask for any of this.

If this guy really loves his kids, really wants to maintain a relationship with them, he will hold off, keep his record looking squeaky clean, no girlfriends, no affairs, no hot partying, no nothing that the woman can and will drag in front of the court and believe me, she and her lawyer will drag every single dirty piece of laundry out they can find and even stuff that doesn't exist - then he will have to prove some of the stuff she brings out doesn't exist.

Where men are concerned in a divorce court now days where I am from and what we have experienced, the man is guilty until proven innocent and how good of a lawyer you can afford will determine the amount of "justice" you can buy.

My son in the past eight almost nine years of his divorce has had only two relationships, both serious. The first fiance' was scared off by my son's ex calling her - she packed up and moved about six states away. She refused to go to court to testify because she was so scared of my son's ex.

The second woman, has got a little more spunk and also was contacted by phone by my son's ex - we finally had to get a court order (that costs about $1,500) to make her stop stalking my son's new fiance'.

My grand daughter has told me "mom has had about eight boy friends" I have explained to my grand daughter about her right to privacy and if someone makes her feel "uncomfortable" to inform a teacher, her father, us or some grown up...........she has been lucky so far, she says that "all of mom's boyfriends have treated her respectfully and eventually leave her mother because her mother is just plain mean".

Getting even, trust me, doesn't work, it always comes back to bite you.

My son says all he wants is for his daughter to be happy, to feel loved and to have as normal and stable a life as possible.

If this guy really cares about his kids he will fore go getting even, having a good time and concentrate on trying to be the best father he can be and him and the kids should perhaps seek a good family counselor.

I've watched so many kids go through this XXXX and they truly are the ones that suffer the most.

Think first of the kids, they must come first and foremost...................once you have a baby your wild partying days are over - I told my son that.

You young ones out there, party it up, be safe, BUT, once you make a baby, a new innocent life - it's time to grow the heck up and be as good a parent as you possibly can.

Some marriages go through a rocky period, it's usually when the man and or woman go through mid life crisis. They realize they are no longer young, they realize they are closer to getting old rather then young.

Men get convertibles and young girlfriends and women have multiple affairs to prove "they still have it", wear short mini skirts and low cut blouses (40+ year olds trying to look like they are 20 to me is silly but that's just me). I am from a generation and was taught that while you can still be sexy at any age, you should grow old gracefully.

And children need a good role model - a parent that doesn't act like Lindsey Lohan and Hannah Montana.

During this time, many marriages either fall apart or learn to settle comfortably into growing older together. That doesn't mean you can't put some fire back into your marriage but people seem to now days want to remain like Peter Pan.

Again, the children's psychological health MUST always be considered first and foremost.

Throwing the brown stuff in her face is only going to make this divorce more violent for the kids.

When you see a hornet's nest you have two options, walk away and hope you don't get stung or get a big stick and stir them up and get them good and mad.

The latter action will result in you getting stung multiple times.

As far as getting even, we've waited eight years and karma is finally catching up with my son's ex. He has left her alone and not bothered her - she's created her own separate set of problems, mainly her daughter now sees very clearly how messed up her mother is and while she loves her mother, she doesn't like the type of person she is.

Give the screwballs enough rope and they will eventually hang themselves.

It may take years, even a decade or more but karma has a way of working itself out.

Yeah, wow.
I'm not sure I can offer great advice, this relationship may be at a standstill.
I would never cheat on my boyfriend, ever, I honestly am not sexually attracted to any other, and couldn't stand to hurt him, however...
If some other dude is putting a smile on her face, it means you're not. Very simple.
I know when my boyfriend is a dick to me (sometimes intentionally, sometimes he's just oblivious) I start noticing how kind other guys are to me. Sweet, sensitive, emotionally supportive guys.
As I said, I would never even think about doing anything with these other guys...
But it appears you're not making her feel loved.

I'd really need more information to give better advice on this one.

there is nothing worse then relationship advice given on ATS.

First off, a pic posted on FB isn't a reason to leave a marriage.

Seriously?

"why did you get divorced" she posted on some guy's fb page that he made her smile. *rolls eyes*

All these fools saying she is cheating and to end it go onto other threads whining what is wrong with today's society and why is the divorce rate 50%?

First off, saying she isnt sure that she is in love with you is just the warning. it means she is unhappy and things have to change.

If you do the same thing you always did, you get the same thing you always got.

Go to counseling, talk, work on the problems, then start to find somethign new to do together and start creating new memories.

Women tend to do that when at the end or just starting a new relationship it puts them back in the game. there is a study that proved that women have tendency to act like birds in their sexual patterns later on in life. I know its hard and i hope it works if you love her.

it sounds like your wife is seeking to have her unmet needs filled outside of your marrage.

Be afraid.

Be very afraid...

The could be the begining of the end.

Or a new start for your marrage.

It's up to the two of you to decide.

reply to post by KewlDaddyFatty


If u really want to know what she's doing online, download a free keylogger. You'll find out everything u want to know as far as her internet activity. Assuming you both use the same computer this should work. I know most ppl use held helds these days.

download.cnet.com...

Originally posted by Myendica
Dude.. I dont know why or how you viewed what she posted on someones fb page, but thats whats going to destroy your marriage. Women hate insecure men, and so stop "checkin" in on her. The first thing they do is confide else where. You must keep your cool. Rule number one, always, regardless of the playing field, MAINTAIN YOUR COMPOSURE! Say your sorry and stop being selfish and tend to her needs. Being a man sucks.. But someones gotta do it..

What a load of crap. Wake up fool and stop making excuses. THEY'RE MARRIED

kick her ass to the curb, and escape and change your identity if she tries to sue you.
learn and make a contract before you marry next time.

She recently told me she does not know if she "loves" me.

I don't think this person(your wife) knows what love is.

...and it is very out of character for her to post a picture like that on another man's facebook page.

You might want to study up on psychopathy, if you haven't already. I'm not saying your wife IS a psychopath, but only you will be able to discern this.

From a news article:

"One of the things I found was that people would sometimes turn to these media as a way to finally end the relationship," Gershon said. "They would use a medium that was so unacceptable that it would make the other partner furious…'How could I have been with someone who is willing to text this?'"

abcnews.go.com...

This guy may just make her smile and happy in certain, like is sweet and he is funny but in real life this so called sweet fella can do nothing comapred to what you do or have done for herreply to post by KewlDaddyFatty

Originally posted by KewlDaddyFatty
reply to post by nofear39

 

You are right. They have. We seperated last year for about 5 months. They were talking. I saw she had called him "hot stuff".

hey, real talk player...

You know they hooked up right?