The silent suffering of a sexless marriage

reply to post by TheXoor


I am not much of a teacher, yet I would suggest this..

Someone needs to put their foot down...
If she is not coming to you for sex, then go to her,
when you get in the mood,
do the manly thing and seduce her, I dunno if you guys goto to bed each night at the same time, but if not I suggest to do so, and if she is not being the aggressor you become the aggressor..


I have never really known women, to be aggressive when it comes to sex, occasionally perhaps, but not all the time. Seems to be something miscommunicated in your relationship for you to be seeking council on the internet about it, and thats ok, I would not say talk about it with her, until you have tried to ACT,that means don't talk about it, and plan IT in order to resolve it, and remember how you did it if you succeed to do it again, then talk about it after talking about how you feel.

Yet it seems perhaps you do not think she is still attracted to you,
if she is your wife,
and loves you,
she will welcome you or maybe she is waiting for you to act on having sex just as you are,
perhaps she feels the same way as well.

good luck with your situation,
hope it all works out.

reply to post by beezzer


aww, that's really sweet of you two to do :]

and great minds think alike my good sir/madam :]

reply to post by TheXoor


What all the other folks said about adding romance to the relationship sounds like good advice to me too but, I can't help but wonder if there might not be some type of medical condition at work here?

Have you thought about talking to a medical professional about this? Maybe one or both of you has a hormone deficiency. It could even be some other type of medical condition and this could be an early symptom of a much larger problem. The fact that it seems to be affecting you both could mean there is something in your environment or the types of food you eat that could be affecting you.

Who knows, maybe the government in your area is putting something in the water to reduce the birth rate. I would at least ask to have some tests done.

Its a common problem for women to lose libido in a marriage.

Though men never want to hear it, women aren't naturally monogamous either.

If things hit a rut, you have to fake it till you make it, she has too too. She may not feel like it, but if she tries, it is easy to get into the mood.

You both need to romance each other, as beezer said, start dating again.

And you also need to experiment and up the ante every once in a while. Doing the same thing oer and over causes the rut.

Pretend your strangers meeting in a hotel room.

reply to post by TheXoor


My advice... and take it lightly. I don't want you to get the WRONG idea...

Be a bit forceful... Please know im not suggesting rape here...

There is a point where it becomes inappropriate... though being married you should probably know when you're crossing that line with her... who knows her better then you?

Many women actually like a bit of rough stuff... it shows them your still a man with needs...

to be blunt... Grab her... kiss her... Show her you love her still...

RIP HER CLOTHS OFF... and GO AT ER...

see what happens...

but, I can't help but wonder if there might not be some type of medical condition at work here?

Always a possibility, and not one to ignore, especially as long as you're talking about here.
Indeed, it could even be a symptom of another underlying medical condition...but she'd need to be willing to entertain this idea and see her doctor.

reply to post by Gazrok


Unfortunately the medical community does not take female problems seriously. that is why there are four kinds of erection pills but nothing to help women.

I can gaurentee I know what the doctor will tell her: your just tired and overworked.

If you have kids, is the kids fault, and they will just say its typical for a harried mother.

Testosterone is becoming a big commodity on the black market for women tryig to raise their libido.

Libido causes libido. So the more she tries, the more her libido will rise.

And the reason that the poster says it feels like roommates is because orgasms release hormones that bond you to your mate. Which is why after a good lovemaking session, you ask them to marry you.

Or is that just me.

If you don't have that connection, you keep getting more distant.

The average male can finish in a third of the time it takes a woman, so foreplay is VERY important. (no offense guys, the scientists studied it)

Originally posted by TheXoor
My wife, however, seems to have completely lost interest. I still love her very much but this situation is getting

We put way too much power on sex. Marriage is so much more then sex.

Women's hormones are different then men - - - and many women tend to lose interest in sex when they get older. Its probably in their physical makeup and body change.

IMO - - your wife should understand that a man's body is different - - - and tell you to go out and find a "booty call".

I feel like I'm intruding, but....that's not normal. People vary greatly, especially with outside stresses in your loives, but that is far beyond normal variation. If you could find some compatible counseling, that might jump start this. I really am wary of the "talking therapies" so I wouldn't make it an endless ordeal. If you could both commit to half a dozen visits, then bail if that didn't work, I think that would be a reasonable way to go about it. In other words, don't get addicted to the therapist.

As others have said, there might be something medical going on. Physicians aren;'t really good about talking about this sort of thing, but they could test for medical conditions.

You've been a saint taking this for so long, but your lack of getting through this means you've got some of the issue here yourself. Not being at all aggressive on this is your part of the issue.

Story: A friend of mine and her husband were married a very long time and had lost interest in each other. They finally had a talk and decided that that part of their lives was simply not important and they shouldn't worry about it. It WAS important, of course. They were fooling themselves. he ent out and had a torrid affair. She found out. They divorced. She had several affairs herself, then married again, twice, and divorced again, twice. Now she's a very lonely person. (End story)

You deserve more; so does your spouse. You need to fix this now.

Amazing place, ATS!

Originally posted by schuyler
They finally had a talk and decided that that part of their lives was simply not important and they shouldn't worry about it. It WAS important, of course. They were fooling themselves. He went out and had a torrid affair. She found out. They divorced. She had several affairs herself, then married again, twice, and divorced again, twice. Now she's a very lonely person. (End story)

I'm a realist.

We PUT the importance on sex. Marriage is about so much more. Marriage is about commitment - responsibility - common goal - etc.

Why fool yourself. Why sneak around and break trust? Why not be up front - direct - and honest.

People have different sex drives - - - and men seem to have a stronger sex drive - longer then many women. I don't understand denying a sexual man - - - if I'm no longer into it.

I would prefer he find one person that's tested and safe.

Originally posted by Annee

I'm a realist.

We PUT the importance on sex. Marriage is about so much more. Marriage is about commitment - responsibility - common goal - etc.

Why fool yourself. Why sneak around and break trust? Why not be up front - direct - and honest.

People have different sex drives - - - and men seem to have a stronger sex drive - longer then many women. I don't understand denying a sexual man - - - if I'm no longer into it.

I would prefer he find one person that's tested and safe.

This. A thousand times this. This is one of the best posts I've read on this board in a long time, actually.

It is politically incorrect to admit that men and women have different sex drives, but it is a truth that couples ignore at their risk. Sure, you can find a few examples of women with more active sex drives than men, but these are outliers and exceptions. The fact of the matter is that in the vast majority of cases men's sexual appetite is stronger and remains so longer, and tends to push the man towards younger women.

In most parts of the non-USA-world, this is more or less tacitly understood. Women let their husbands have quiet affairs or occasional romps with professionals to let the poison out. Many youngwomen in France have their older patrons who buy them designer handbags, while many in Japan do enjo kosai or "asssited dating" (assistance in the financial sense, you understand.) Wives turn a blind eye to their husband's philandering, and in most cases the men continue to honor their wives and families stay together.

For some reason, people in the USA seem unable to work with this paradigm. There is this hysterical insistance that "men and women are the same" and a pathetic attempt to regain eternal youth on the parts of both partners when its totally ridiculous and detracts from the mental health and general dignity of both partners. As a result, families are destroyed left and right and America has the highest divorce rate in the world.

A good start to rectifying this would be to acknowledge biology.

Originally posted by silent thunder
A good start to rectifying this would be to acknowledge biology.

That - - and as I've heard Italian men say: "Marry the mother of your children".

Marriage needs a common goal - - a commitment. It could be children - business - politics - whatever.

SEX - - is the worst reason in the world to marry. And using it like a Noose is even worse.

Originally posted by Annee
We PUT the importance on sex. Marriage is about so much more. Marriage is about commitment - responsibility - common goal - etc.

I think we agree here. My friend (and this was a true story) was fooling herself, and he was, too. They pretended it wasn't important when it was. There IS a lot more to marriage, but there's a foundation thetre that they ignored. and I really think in this case ot led to a sort of death spiral of well, a bit of revenge, a bit of indulgence, and an end result of someone growing old alone. She's about seventy now, I think. And the thing is, it didn't have to happen for all the reasons you cited. If they had been honest with themselves and all.

In terms of drive an all, maybe men do, on average, have a greater drive. Opposite, in my case. Growing older sucks. I'm trying hard to be there for her because she needs it. I would regret it in the end if I did not, and OP needs to fix this before it is too late--or move on.

Originally posted by schuyler
They pretended it wasn't important when it was. There IS a lot more to marriage, but there's a foundation thetre that they ignored. and I really think in this case ot led to a sort of death spiral of well, a bit of revenge, a bit of indulgence, and an end result of someone growing old alone. She's about seventy now, I think. And the thing is, it didn't have to happen for all the reasons you cited. If they had been honest with themselves and all.

In terms of drive an all, maybe men do, on average, have a greater drive. Opposite, in my case. Growing older sucks. I'm trying hard to be there for her because she needs it. I would regret it in the end if I did not, and OP needs to fix this before it is too late--or move on.

Well there's No sex - - and then reduced sex. Partners need to be honest with each other about it. I think most married couples will find something that's reasonable for both of them.

If a wife flat out says she is no longer interested - - - then she should allow the husband to have a mistress.

BUT - - - Culture is the hardest thing in the world to change. That Puritan Christian influence sure hasn't helped.

i'm starting to believe that human relationships aren't ment to last longer then the procreation process.

Originally posted by Annee


That - - and as I've heard Italian men say: "Marry the mother of your children".

Excellent point there; a marriage without children (or at least no desire for them) seems pointless IMO. People can be satisfied using their partner for sexual gratification for just so long. Eventually they begin to want more; a legacy to pass on to the world after they pass on.

Children give purpose to a marriage and a reason for a couple to stay together. All marriages go through ups and downs and children are the glue that holds them together through the hard times.

I didn't see any mention of children in the OP. Maybe the wife became bored of sex without purpose. Maybe, somewhere deep inside her, she wants to have children with her lover but, the frustration of a fruitless marriage (whether by choice or biology) has caused her to lose interest.

Maybe the OP should discuss children with his wife. They may have started out not wanting any to keep their freedom but, after 16 years of marriage, attitudes change. Maybe your wife wants something to strive for and your sex life to have a purpose. Working together to have children may bring back the excitement that your love life has been lacking.

There is nothing more exciting than expecting a new child. It may be just the thing you need to bring your sex life back from the dead.

Originally posted by yourmaker
i'm starting to believe that human relationships aren't ment to last longer then the procreation process.

I don't think they are structured in the best possible way for humans.

I think the Single Family Unit - - - is the worst thing ever. People used to live in extended families - - which was like little communities - - where they had to share - accept differences - show respect to others - etc. I'm a firm supporter of "it takes a village".

But that's getting away from the topic of a sexless marriage.

Originally posted by FortAnthem

Originally posted by Annee


That - - and as I've heard Italian men say: "Marry the mother of your children".

Excellent point there; a marriage without children (or at least no desire for them) seems pointless IMO. People can be satisfied using their partner for sexual gratification for just so long. Eventually they begin to want more; a legacy to pass on to the world after they pass on.

Good point - - but that is not what "Marry the mother of your children" means.

It means marry the woman who will make a good home - cook meals - be a good mom - etc. You can always find "arm candy" - - but marriage is about a Quality WOMAN.

reply to post by schuyler


Actually this is a common problem. 20% of marriages in the US are considered sexless, which means they have sex 10 times or less in a year.

You do bring up a good point though. I swear by Dr. John Gottman for marital information, he is considered THE guru on marriage.
He has retreats for couples.

There are also marriage counselors that specialize in his work.

here for the retreat:

private couples retreat


He came up with the four horsemen of marriage, four things that couples do that almost spell certain doom:

the four horsemen of marriage

Gottman is known for saying he can predict whether newlyweds would divorce within 5 years with greater than 90% accuracy. He says that's possible for him simply by observing how the couple talk to, or argue with, each other during a 15 minute period. It only takes about 15 seconds for him to know whether a man and woman have a great sex lif

Gottman says an astonishing 91% of couples don't know how to talk to each other about sex. That's leading to unhappy, unhealthy relationships. What's the difference between couples who are happy with their intimacy, and those who are not satisfied? It has very little to do with how often couples are having sex.

This article is informative, I suggest the poster give it a read.

Dr. Gottman thinks any sexlife can be rekindled.

dr. offers hope

here is his video series for sexless couples:

gott sex

Have you maybe thought about each taking a holiday away from each other? If only for a couple of weeks, when you both return you will have fresh new stories to share and because you have been away from each other perhaps feelings that have been left untouched for some time will resurface. Just a thought....all the best of luck to you, I'm sure you'll find a way to bring some magic back!