Help me understand how to effectively help someone deal with suffering

I need your wisdom.

If you want to help someone deal with suffering how would you do it?

Suppose we are talking about an adult that lives in a cycle of suffering for a long time, there is always something putting him down, so you can say he has a negativity routine that keeps getting stronger and stronger.
Suppose he is a little stubborn, you can see he cant deal with the changeability of life, he always suffers a lot when something happens but he cant get out of it. He becomes obsessed with it and cant seem to listen what people say.
Suppose some of the problems cant be changed like an incurable disease, being an ugly person, a death of a loved one, whatever.

Is he supposed to live that and learn for himself, learn from his mistakes, so we should leave him alone? Maybe its karma he needs to learn from past mistakes. Or he just needs to learn from the present challenges, there is no karma from the past, its just a lesson to be learned, a hard one.
Should we just give him love and affection and wait for him to change?
Should we try to describe him what we think he is doing wrong?
Should we disclose him the mistakes because clearly there is ignorance of how the suffering mechanism works?
Should we just listen?
Should we just cheer him up and entertain him so he forgets about the problems?
Should we empower him, telling him he has the wisdom and power to get out of it and wait for him to notice that?
Should he just take some medicines to calm down, not understanding there is some changes to made in his mindset?
Is there changes to be made in his mindset or he suffers because its the way it is, nothing to learn, so we should just try to help him get rid of the outside problems (diseases, fear of diseases, unemployment, no money, no sex, no relationship, whatever the world is doing to you) not changing anything in his way of dealing with reality?

How should we do it?

If we want to help someone, we want to do it in an effective way, or maybe there is nothing to do, just wait for his path to be traveled...

From the questions, you can see I have some ideas but i have doubts if they really work and how to combine some of the ways.
Can you help me understand this better?

Thanks in advance.

Hi,

You might want to look into the basics of Buddhism. Buddhism is basicly the study of how to effectively detach yourself from suffering and through that find ultimate truth.

A good starting point are the Four Noble Truths and the Eight-Fold Path. These are an effective guideline to conquer suffering.

Heres a link that explains these concepts.
www.buddhaweb.org...

Hopefuly this will help you.

reply to post by Manula


Acknowledge that suffering gets the best of us and there are people out there that will always be in a worse situation than you.

Tell him that suffering either destroys us inside and/or leads us closer to God.

Those who don't suffer enough have no compelling reason to look for God or spiritual things. And if they don't look for God they might not find Him before it's too late. And if they don't find Him before it's too late they will suffer indeed, worse than the suffering of this world.

Blessed are those who mourn.

I never understood this type of thinking I am in intense pain all day everyday and thinking that someone has it worse than me never seems to help.

Buddhism and its teachings are a great source of healing and progressing as a human.

my advice tell your friend to Cry me a river, build a bridge and GTFOver it.

it might sound harsh but thats what needs to happen accept the pain, find a way to get over the pain then go on living life dont let it become your life. weather its physical pain or mental just get through it, knock down a wall to make it a bridge... support from other people seems to help aswell...

Most people who allow suffering to control their daily routine are spiritually impaired. The person you are describing sounds alot like someone that I knew well. It seemed to me no matter what amount of love or support you gave him, it was never enough, there was just darkness for him, no lights at the end. He is going th have to find the way through the suffering, but he does not have to do it alone. I do not know the magic words to make someone feel better about themselves, I wish I did. I also do not think that some scientifically modified medication will fix the problem. It sounds like your friend has a negative energy affixed to him, a little black cloud following him around. He needs to loose that and everything attached to it. Please remember that when good pushes, evil pushes back. It is up to the spiritual strength of the individual to persevere and endure. It is not an easy battle, but well worth the fight.

PLPL

Originally posted by 547000
Tell him that suffering either destroys us inside and/or leads us closer to God.

Those who don't suffer enough have no compelling reason to look for God or spiritual things. And if they don't look for God they might not find Him before it's too late. And if they don't find Him before it's too late they will suffer indeed, worse than the suffering of this world.

Blessed are those who mourn.

edit on 16-11-2011 by 547000 because: (no reason given)

man God is messed up... how are we supposed to know from our ignorant birth that we need to spend our lives looking for someone who doesnt exist...

this process of thinking only makes hell on earth.

Originally posted by Minori
Most people who allow suffering to control their daily routine are spiritually impaired. The person you are describing sounds alot like someone that I knew well. It seemed to me no matter what amount of love or support you gave him, it was never enough, there was just darkness for him, no lights at the end. He is going th have to find the way through the suffering, but he does not have to do it alone. I do not know the magic words to make someone feel better about themselves, I wish I did. I also do not think that some scientifically modified medication will fix the problem. It sounds like your friend has a negative energy affixed to him, a little black cloud following him around. He needs to loose that and everything attached to it. Please remember that when good pushes, evil pushes back. It is up to the spiritual strength of the individual to persevere and endure. It is not an easy battle, but well worth the fight.

PLPL

wise and compassionate words these feelings come too us all its up the the individual to become either the good or bad.

reply to post by -W1LL


Well, if you're too busy enjoying life and the pleasures of this world you won't be able to find Him.

reply to post by 547000


I dont need to look for him. I have her ---> EARTH

This is going to take energy, and that is the toughest thing...to find the energy. The negative thoughts and actions steal all of the energy, so you have to get some back.
The person should not be left alone to their own negative thoughts too long, because each negative thought breeds another and another.
Hobbies are good, those that can be shared are better.
Pets can be good, especially a good dog. They are dependent, but not TOO needy, and they give unconditional love.
You may need some help. The burden will show and breed negative thoughts. ALL positive, like water on a fire.
Buddhism to deal with pain is excellent, but the path will take some energy.

Tell him to snap the **** out of it. No, really. Anything that has, or can, happen to a person has already happened to someone else ten times worse. Time for your "friend" to get off the pity pot. I'd also suggest not surrounding yourself with sad sacks.

I know what you mean....

Why don't you tell him to take into account this idea: to force himself to do the opposite thing that his inner negative voice tells him. For example, when that voice says: don't go to the gym, you are too tired for that, you have no time for that, you are felling very sad to go anywhere, just do the opposite thing. Go to the gym or go for a walk.

However, the above behavior is not an easy task. If there is panic and very strong feelings, it is hard to overcome that negative thought and do he opposite. However I think for small things might be a good beginning.

Every time there is a negative thought there is no need to analyze it because it will certainly get worse. He has to start facing his negative thoughts for small things. Otherwise, he will not win and he will fell more miserable.

Nothing is worth for any stress or panic except for health issues. All other things are bull...

I'm sorry that you're in this position. I can honestly say that it's harder on you to deal with a person like this than it is on the person. The person is CHOOSING to be miserable, CHOOSING to focus on the negative, CHOOSING not to seek help. They are CHOOSING to dwell in their negativity because they believe they benefit more from their current behavior/mind set than they would if they changed it to a positive mind set. The attention they receive from people trying to cheer them up or asking what's wrong just reinforces their belief and behavior.

Negative attention is better than no attention and this person seems to thrive on attention. I'm guessing they also have a habit of awfulizing things. Albert Ellis has written many books on Rational Emotive Therapy, which, in my experience, has consistently been one of the most successful methods of therapy in treating the type of person that you mention. His books can be found in most major book stores either in the self help or psychology section. You can also google "Albert Ellis Institute" and go to the website to browse and/or order the books.

It is natural to have occasional pity parties or to feel disappointed, hurt, angry by things that happen in life. Life can suck at times. But our happiness isn't dependent on external factors. Happiness is a choice and is easily attainable by anyone that wants to be happy. Achieving happiness is merely a matter of training our brain to change how we think and internalize things. Some people may need medication to help them with this process but anyone can be happy!

Jemison


(The experience I mention comes from working as a Marriage and Family and Child Counselor)

reply to post by Littletruthseeker


That is something that is easier said then done. I truly believe that is one the main problems when dealing with people in general. Everyone is spiritually evolved at different levels. What may seem an easy task to you, might in fact be difficult for someone else. I am commending you for your "get over it attitude", that is something to be admired, as long as the lesson from the experience was learned. When a person can not learn from their own mistakes, and choose to keep making those very mistakes that has caused them the grief and suffering repeatedly their battle will not be an easy one, but a necessary one.

I wrote the thread and had to go lunch. I came back and was glad you guys gave your thoughts.
Buddhism is very good, thanks for that, i follow many of their teachings but the problem is that he wont listen, he only listens to his own mind telling how miserable life is.
He is very dependent on outside forces he cant control, and they keep changing, but he gets very attached to the good things of life... that are always taken away.
Also the energy issue is very important. I strongly agree with that one.
Negativity steels our energy, i think its good advice to try to assure some positive energy, so that he can go on, until he overcomes it. But then again, distractions make him forget, he should face it, face it very hard, not avoid it. But yeah, he needs a break when he is too tired, to regain is energy back otherwise its impossible.
I don't think health problems are the only thing we cant escape but they are a big challenge for sure. They are hard to overcome.
And GOD, i mean, what he needs is to be free from suffering, he doesn't like religions, the problem with Buddhism is that he thinks its a religion... But IMO its not.
The problem is that no matter how hard i try, it doesn't work and it keeps getting worse.
And i will not give up, so i asked for suggestions.
I know i shouldn't try too hard but i will not give up.
Thanks for your advice.

reply to post by Manula


There are many ways in trying to help invididuals cope with any type of suffering and not everyone will react the same way.

IMO, the best thing to do is to compile a list of things that is making "you" suffer, disect that list by finding clues to improve or cultivate positive energy to eliminate that suffering. Bare in mind that there may be more than one cause of suffering, you need to be patient and treat one at a time. If you try to cure all of them in one shot you will suffer even more when you feel you aren't making any progress.

Meditation will help your mind relax to be susceptible to outside help if the person is "stubborn" as you put it. Talk about the issues that is in question and formulate a way to introduce a positive energy for a positive outcome. Whoever is doing the help needs to be more patient than the one receiving the help.

Hope that helped out a bit, or at least gave you some ideas!

Cheers and good luck!

reply to post by Manula


It seems as if your friend has given up on himself.
It is important that you do not give up on him as well.
Unconditional Love & Unconditional Light.
The only thing known to send the negativity away.
Your efforts will be rewarded for your undertaking.
Good actions breed positive reactions.

PLPL

reply to post by Manula

The problem is that no matter how hard i try, it doesn't work and it keeps getting worse.

I'm not sure if you read my post or if you were writing as I was posting but saying that the harder you try the worse it seems to get is a classic example of how this person uses their negativity to get attention ... and the more you and others play into it, the more you are reinforcing this person's behavior.

Again, look through the Ellis books and find one that you think would be the most appropriate. Leave it on their doorstep in the middle of the night or send it to them without any return address. Just find a way to get it to them anonymously! not knowing where it came from will spark their curiosity so much they will be motivated to read the book (or listen to a book on tape) as a way to try to solve the mystery of who may have sent it to them!

The book isn't necessary, it's just a nice way to make the person aware of their thought current thought process and how they have complete control over their thoughts and their own happiness. Book or no book, if you really want to help them and are COMMITTED to helping them, as harsh as it sounds, you need to stop reinforcing their belief that they will get more attention if they are negative. you do it in two ways.

1. Focus on EVERYTHING positive. ANYTHING positive that they may say ... no matter how trivial... talk about it and go overboard with it. If they mention that their dog pooped outside rather than inside for once, make a huge deal out of it. Act like a cheerleader! Make it seem like a huge victory and tell them they obviously did something right and encourage them to rethink what they did differently so that they could do it again.

2. Do NOT engage with them when they are negative. Be polite and caring at all times but make it a point to end the conversation as soon as it turns to complaining or negativity. Say something empathetic yet encouraging ... "Wow ... That sounds like it might be challenging. I have faith that you'll not only find a way to make it through but also come out stronger!" Leave it at that and then change the subject and focus on something positive. If the person won't move forward with a different topic or continues their negativity, END the conversation. If you are with them, make up an excuse and physically leave ... even if you're at lunch and stuck with the person for awhile ... get up and go to use the restroom. When you return redirect the conversation to something positive or tell a funny story. If they are dwelling on the negative while you are on the phone, it's much easier to make up an excuse to hang up and end the conversation when it turns negative.

The most important thing in helping them is you being consistent in the way you respond to the person when they are positive AND negative. Give TONS of attention to the positive ONLY. You MUST physically leave or hang up, EVERY TIME the person refuses to get off of the negativity path. Do whatever you have to do to escape the negativity but do NOT allow yourself to be sucked in and listen to it.... It may get worse before it gets better. When the person starts to realize you won't discuss the negative stuff they may start getting really nasty toward you but it will pass. Talk to others about treating the person the same way. If everyone focuses on the positive and ignores the negative, you will be helping this person turn their life around and make a major POSITIVE change in their life.

Jemison

reply to post by Jemison


Thanks for your advice.
I think that's a good advice and i try a lot to talk about things that make him happy, things he likes.
But sometimes you just cant avoid talking about stuff because you feel his sadness goes on and on.
I have told him many times how i cope with reality, to be happy with what life is in the moment, that we can feel good, that we can be joyful and loving, and stop being dependent of outside forces we cant control.
It doesn't seem to work. I rationalize things, he understands, he agrees, but it doesn't change.
I am now in the phase of just be there for him, give love and affection and that's about it.
I told him everything i know that works for me many times.
Other people did it too but it doesn't work.
So i thought that maybe i am doing it wrong...