Dear Ottobot and Rational Teddy
Have now read through your posts, and are slightly hitting myself in the head - because the issues that you guys are talking about is what I have been
trying to convey all the time. But I haven’t found the words for it.. I don't think it’s a language barrier thing, it just I am not good at that
sort of stuff.. I think I feel a bit too primitive sometimes and just.. Write like a lost person who has no real words ( I guess you knew all the time
what I was talking about, but I am so incredible insecure of myself and feel that I have to state the obvious, I think)
I don't trust people either, that’s why I go on and say that I think they are unkind, and everybody is out to hurt each other, including me. And I
know all this must stem from all the insane crap I had to take over the years. You don't hit a sensitive child that won't go to sleep.. It started
when I was 4 and when the physical abuse stopped the psychological mistreats was there waiting to catch me and beat me up. I have been mistreated by
parents, other family, friends, authority and workplaces and it made me into a wreck. So far, this year has been the best year ever and I am so
incredibly thankful that the Universe sent me my partner and now a child on the way. All the practical worries have decreased to a bearable level.
But I struggle with the most difficult issues. I have no self-worth. I don’t have the capability to have a discussion with someone, because I "know"
they are only out to win and beat me with those fancy phrases and their accumulated knowledge they so eagerly want/need/must/have to show off. In
many cases, to get the affirmation they need to feel good. Idiots..
It feels like everything everybody say or do is egotistic. I can be so incredibly paranoid at most times and take a goodhearted advice for something
completely different and it’s always in a bad way, and that can create chaos in my mind for several days after. Even now, when I read through what
I have written, it reads like crap and the angst for you seeing this as “ well, she didn’t quite get what we were talking about” or “ My god,
she must be really confused, sick or needs serious help” – stuff like this. And I feel so juvenile, because I can't comprehend how others
experience me and I am so afraid of not being accepted or liked. I always experience people around me backing away from me for some reason they don't
want to tell me.
This is what I am working with at the moment in therapy – Not trying to break down everybody’s intentions or thoughts about me. Because in most
cases.. They are not true.. But even knowing this doesn’t make me want to trust them, be with them or try to connect with them.
The other day I understood and experienced how weak I actually am as a person. It was only a simple game in a group therapy -session and it was
supposed to be fun for everybody after doing some relaxation and yogastuff.
We each had our own balloon and we were supposed to tap it with our hand around the room without dropping it on the floor, no biggie. And after 5 min,
we had to start trying to tap the balloon out of each-others hands while trying to look out for our own balloon.
Then we had to pair up and watch our balloon while trying to slap the others balloon out of course. It escalated into a child’s play were everybody
went crazy (about ten people) and was running and jumping all over the place trying to slap all the balloons they could see. I became left out, and
lonely. Like I was when I was a child. Letting the confidents take over. It was awful.. I became invisible. The underdog’s doormat. Later I went
to the bathroom as fast as I could to cry. And it was wonderful, to be alone to do my crying. I didn’t want to show the therapists how affected I
was by this, and I think that was a huge mistake.
Sorry for rambling on.. I haven’t had the energy to write or engage in this thread for a while. I just wanted to focus on this today, to take it
seriously and just… be here..
I don’t think I am missing anything in my life.. I have just been through a lot and struggling to find myself. I don’t know either who I am or
supposed to be. Often I don’t even know how to explain the right things or saying the right stuff to feel respected and loved. I am just.. a
creative person and nice person.. with secret episodes of panic attacks, intense crying over things that has nothing to do with me (ex.people cheating
on their partners, or people dying in wars)angst and depression. I am terrified of people thinking of me like a confused, stupid and whimsy person..
Because I heard someone say that about me in the past, behind my back while I listened without their knowledge.. It’s devastating. .. Rambling
again.. My head is full of chaos all the time, I am borderline..
edit on 28-6-2012 by creatureme because: editpiaf