Positivity Thread for Sad & Lonely Souls (help me make it if you enjoy spreading happiness)

reply to post by ottobot


You are not just entertainment!!! And I like to take the time to answer because at the end of 2011 I was in a dark place and thought it would never end. If I can help or at least support somebody when they are there too, I must try. Or not?

I had/have the EXACT same issue with accepting compliments and kind words. Always doubting myself, not feeling worthy or simply distrusting other people for not being honest with what they were saying.

There is a part of you that might want to protect you. This could be from events earlier in your life where you experienced bad behavior from people around you, hurting you either intentionally or not. You established a guard as a protective measure and now it has become automatic for you to "raise shields" constantly whenever there is somebody around.
With me, it went as far that I started to do weightlifting to even become physically "invincible" if need be. (There never was this need ) I still do it but I am less on the defensive now.
Back to you: Can you imagine that the voice/feeling that prevents you from accepting praise and good feelings or to let yourself feel safe, could actually be doing all this out of good faith? As a matter of fact, as strange as this may sound, could you maybe even be grateful for this part of you to spend so much energy to protect you?

It took me some time to get to grips with this and accept that not the whole world is out to hurt me. I am convinced that you can too!

I am in no way a therapist so take what I write next with caution: Have you ever looked into the possibility that you could be HSP? (Just to calm you, it is not an illness but a description of a trait that roughly 15% of the population share)
I found that it explains a lot of issues I had/have and how I react to the world.

Do not feel disgusted or upset about yourself! Accept what you feel, positive or negative, and gently make your way towards becoming more open towards the ones close to you.

Take care!

Originally posted by RationalTeddy
reply to post by ottobot

 

You are not just entertainment!!! And I like to take the time to answer because at the end of 2011 I was in a dark place and thought it would never end. If I can help or at least support somebody when they are there too, I must try. Or not?

Yes, 2011 was an awful year for me as well. This year has been significantly better, though I still have phases where I'm just completely down & out, hopeless, and feel trapped by my own thoughts.

I had/have the EXACT same issue with accepting compliments and kind words. Always doubting myself, not feeling worthy or simply distrusting other people for not being honest with what they were saying.

Yes, I would say that 95% of the insecurity issues I've had in my life were based around what I believed was true: I was a worthless nobody who didn't deserve anything or anyone nice. I realize now that that isn't the truth, but since I spent so much time accepting that as "just the way things are", those feelings still come back sometimes.

There is a part of you that might want to protect you. This could be from events earlier in your life where you experienced bad behavior from people around you, hurting you either intentionally or not. You established a guard as a protective measure and now it has become automatic for you to "raise shields" constantly whenever there is somebody around.
With me, it went as far that I started to do weightlifting to even become physically "invincible" if need be. (There never was this need

) I still do it but I am less on the defensive now.
Back to you: Can you imagine that the voice/feeling that prevents you from accepting praise and good feelings or to let yourself feel safe, could actually be doing all this out of good faith? As a matter of fact, as strange as this may sound, could you maybe even be grateful for this part of you to spend so much energy to protect you?

Well, yes, I do realize that the source of these defenses came from very young childhood, when I realized that I was the only one who would ever protect me. As a child, I thought that I could be invincible if nobody could see or exploit my true emotions. So, I was always reserved and always alert and always thinking two steps ahead of the current situation.

You know, you make a good point - that it is a good thing in some respects.

The problem is, all of the negativity associated with these walls is actually contained within the walls and directed toward myself. Instead of letting other people's words and actions hurt me, I turned them into, "well they wouldn't say that if I didn't deserve it", and then have a running commentary of insulting language about this person I am.

I am in no way a therapist so take what I write next with caution: Have you ever looked into the possibility that you could be HSP? (Just to calm you, it is not an illness but a description of a trait that roughly 15% of the population share)
I found that it explains a lot of issues I had/have and how I react to the world.

Haha, well I have actually been a therapist/counselor before, and I have always enjoyed the study of psychology. I am somewhere in the middle of the sensitivity spectrum.

I am sensitive emotionally, where I take perceived insults very personally (as I explained above). I am not sensitive to external stimuli, though.

I am very calm and collected in chaotic situations and have no trouble taking charge or implementing order to these situations. I do like to be alone, though, and I would say my favorite activity is just sitting outside and thinking quietly.

Do not feel disgusted or upset about yourself! Accept what you feel, positive or negative, and gently make your way towards becoming more open towards the ones close to you.

See, the trick for me is accepting what I feel but not spinning it into something negative. I have slowly been learning to just hear what I think and not do anything with it. I forget how to do this once in awhile, like the other day, and then I get all upset and have to find my way out of my mind again.

Thank you for taking the time to go over this with me, I appreciate it.

Dear Ottobot and Rational Teddy

Have now read through your posts, and are slightly hitting myself in the head - because the issues that you guys are talking about is what I have been trying to convey all the time. But I haven’t found the words for it.. I don't think it’s a language barrier thing, it just I am not good at that sort of stuff.. I think I feel a bit too primitive sometimes and just.. Write like a lost person who has no real words ( I guess you knew all the time what I was talking about, but I am so incredible insecure of myself and feel that I have to state the obvious, I think)

I don't trust people either, that’s why I go on and say that I think they are unkind, and everybody is out to hurt each other, including me. And I know all this must stem from all the insane crap I had to take over the years. You don't hit a sensitive child that won't go to sleep.. It started when I was 4 and when the physical abuse stopped the psychological mistreats was there waiting to catch me and beat me up. I have been mistreated by parents, other family, friends, authority and workplaces and it made me into a wreck. So far, this year has been the best year ever and I am so incredibly thankful that the Universe sent me my partner and now a child on the way. All the practical worries have decreased to a bearable level.

But I struggle with the most difficult issues. I have no self-worth. I don’t have the capability to have a discussion with someone, because I "know" they are only out to win and beat me with those fancy phrases and their accumulated knowledge they so eagerly want/need/must/have to show off. In many cases, to get the affirmation they need to feel good. Idiots..

It feels like everything everybody say or do is egotistic. I can be so incredibly paranoid at most times and take a goodhearted advice for something completely different and it’s always in a bad way, and that can create chaos in my mind for several days after. Even now, when I read through what I have written, it reads like crap and the angst for you seeing this as “ well, she didn’t quite get what we were talking about” or “ My god, she must be really confused, sick or needs serious help” – stuff like this. And I feel so juvenile, because I can't comprehend how others experience me and I am so afraid of not being accepted or liked. I always experience people around me backing away from me for some reason they don't want to tell me.

This is what I am working with at the moment in therapy – Not trying to break down everybody’s intentions or thoughts about me. Because in most cases.. They are not true.. But even knowing this doesn’t make me want to trust them, be with them or try to connect with them.

The other day I understood and experienced how weak I actually am as a person. It was only a simple game in a group therapy -session and it was supposed to be fun for everybody after doing some relaxation and yogastuff.
We each had our own balloon and we were supposed to tap it with our hand around the room without dropping it on the floor, no biggie. And after 5 min, we had to start trying to tap the balloon out of each-others hands while trying to look out for our own balloon.

Then we had to pair up and watch our balloon while trying to slap the others balloon out of course. It escalated into a child’s play were everybody went crazy (about ten people) and was running and jumping all over the place trying to slap all the balloons they could see. I became left out, and lonely. Like I was when I was a child. Letting the confidents take over. It was awful.. I became invisible. The underdog’s doormat. Later I went to the bathroom as fast as I could to cry. And it was wonderful, to be alone to do my crying. I didn’t want to show the therapists how affected I was by this, and I think that was a huge mistake.

Sorry for rambling on.. I haven’t had the energy to write or engage in this thread for a while. I just wanted to focus on this today, to take it seriously and just… be here..


Ottobot:
I don’t think I am missing anything in my life.. I have just been through a lot and struggling to find myself. I don’t know either who I am or supposed to be. Often I don’t even know how to explain the right things or saying the right stuff to feel respected and loved. I am just.. a creative person and nice person.. with secret episodes of panic attacks, intense crying over things that has nothing to do with me (ex.people cheating on their partners, or people dying in wars)angst and depression. I am terrified of people thinking of me like a confused, stupid and whimsy person.. Because I heard someone say that about me in the past, behind my back while I listened without their knowledge.. It’s devastating. .. Rambling again.. My head is full of chaos all the time, I am borderline..

Originally posted by creatureme
Lying in my bed, surfing the internet.. I don't feel sleepy. It's boring and my current activity seems meaningless.

weve al been in this situation, your in bed, on the internet, you get bored, but remember if you play with it too much it'll fall off lol

sorry, i tend to use humor to cheer up sad and lonely people....did it work????

come on, i saw u smile lol

weve al been in this situation, your in bed, on the internet, you get bored, but remember if you play with it too much it'll fall off lol sorry, i tend to use humor to cheer up sad and lonely people....did it work???? come on, i saw u smile lol

reply to post by DaveNorris

reply to post by creatureme


glad to be of assistance lol

Originally posted by creatureme
Dear Ottobot and Rational Teddy

Have now read through your posts, and are slightly hitting myself in the head - because the issues that you guys are talking about is what I have been trying to convey all the time. But I haven’t found the words for it..

I don't have any trouble understanding what you mean, I think you are doing very well at expressing yourself.

I am so sorry to hear of your childhood troubles, I am in the same boat - where that worthlessness I learned there still affects me now. But, I am extremely glad to hear that you are able to bear life now, it seems like things will only get better!

I know it doesn't seem like much consolation sometimes, but you survived all that. You somehow made it all this way in one piece. Now, it is time for you to Live.

But I struggle with the most difficult issues. I have no self-worth. I don’t have the capability to have a discussion with someone, because I "know" they are only out to win and beat me with those fancy phrases and their accumulated knowledge they so eagerly want/need/must/have to show off.

Honestly, I keep a dictionary around to look up big words people use - just to see if they are using them correctly. Personally, I believe that if a person can't explain a complex idea in simple terms, then s/he doesn't actually know what s/he is talking about. And, one way to always "win" these arguments is to ask questions. When people start getting angry that you're finding all of the loopholes in their story, you know you've won. But, seriously, it's not a competition! You are just as smart as anyone else,just in different areas: cooking, home decorating, claymation, photography, overcoming anxiety, dealing with depression, and so on. You have a set of skills unique to You. And, I like it when you share what you know!

I can be so incredibly paranoid at most times and take a goodhearted advice for something completely different and it’s always in a bad way, and that can create chaos in my mind for several days after. Even now, when I read through what I have written, it reads like crap and the angst for you seeing this as...

Here's what I really think: "Oh, Creatureme, I wish I could give you a hug. You seem like such a nice lady, and I would actually like to be friends with you in real life, which is a big deal since I normally can't stand being around females for very long."

This is what I am working with at the moment in therapy – Not trying to break down everybody’s intentions or thoughts about me. Because in most cases.. They are not true.. But even knowing this doesn’t make me want to trust them, be with them or try to connect with them.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Our thoughts are worse than anything anyone else could ever think or say. One trick I have learned is that when I hear those thoughts go through my head, I listen to see if they are lies or not. If they are lies, I discard them as false. Anything about someone else's thoughts ("She probably thinks I'm an idiot.") are false. Because, only "She" knows what she is thinking!

The other day I understood and experienced how weak I actually am as a person. It was only a simple game in a group therapy -session and it was supposed to be fun for everybody...I became left out, and lonely. Like I was when I was a child. Letting the confidents take over. It was awful.. I became invisible. The underdog’s doormat. Later I went to the bathroom as fast as I could to cry. And it was wonderful, to be alone to do my crying. I didn’t want to show the therapists how affected I was by this, and I think that was a huge mistake.

I don't think that makes you weak. It just means that nobody has listened to you in your life. That wasn't a fun game for you because you haven't learned how to reach out to others yet. There's no rush, I think you are doing well - you stayed for whole game! Sure, you cried, but you realized why you cried. That is a good thing.

I don’t think I am missing anything in my life.. I have just been through a lot and struggling to find myself. I don’t know either who I am or supposed to be. Often I don’t even know how to explain the right things or saying the right stuff to feel respected and loved.

People who respect and love you will respect and love you even if you NEVER talk. You know who these people are.

I am just.. a creative person and nice person..

This is who you are at the core.

with secret episodes of panic attacks, intense crying over things that has nothing to do with me ... I am terrified of people thinking of me.

These are insecurities. Recognize them for what they are - imaginary insults - and recognize why they bother you. Just because one person was rude doesn't mean we all think the same thing. I think you're nice and funny and smart and creative and interesting.

Dear ottobot and creatureme,

I am sorry to hear you were mistreated as children!
I think we "know" most things already. But if it is for you only a bit like with me, it is quite difficult to apply this knowledge, because the negative feelings are stronger. Heart over mind anyone?
And I am also afraid that this is something that will never completely go away, ever. So if that actually is the case, I have to learn to live with it.

ottobot,
In one of your previous posts you mentioned you would like to be like me? Guess what, it is not that easy being me sometimes. I just had to find out again this weekend Talk about being emotionally sensitive coupled with overstimulation from your senses at a city festival. Add to that keeping emotional distance to people you feel you can connect to in order to protect yourself from disappointment.
Sitting outside and thinking... Watching the stars from the balcony... Beatiful
And you are welcome, I liked going through this with you since this is also some sort of reflection on myself.

creatureme,
Do not put yourself down because you might think you are inferior in knowledge. It most probably is not true!
This is also not a debate thread but about positivity. So we are not arguing or trying to win but trying to explain our point of view of the world we live in and compare it with what the other people experience.
In the end it is about writing things down and maybe even get some moral support
The "game" you mentioned sounds silly to me, because it actually hurt you instead of helped you. You are a kind and sensitive person and slapping the balloon from someone's hand is dominating in a certain way which, I think, is not how you are at the core. I think you should not hide this from your therapist but tell him/her in private.

Sorry if I did not address every point, I feel sort of scatterbrained at the moment... A lot happened this weekend (positive and negative) so I am a bit overstimulated and processing things.

Take care y'all

Originally posted by RationalTeddy
Dear ottobot and creatureme,

I am sorry to hear you were mistreated as children!

I think we "know" most things already. But if it is for you only a bit like with me, it is quite difficult to apply this knowledge, because the negative feelings are stronger.

Yes, this is also my problem. I get lost in the negativity and can't see any way out. Those feelings of powerlessness, incompetence, and hopelessness are awful.

Heart over mind anyone?
And I am also afraid that this is something that will never completely go away, ever. So if that actually is the case, I have to learn to live with it.

Exactly. But as you pointed out earlier, it's the LIVE part that matters.

So, then, we should say, "I LIVE and am learning to be Alive."

ottobot,
In one of your previous posts you mentioned you would like to be like me? Guess what, it is not that easy being me sometimes. I just had to find out again this weekend

Talk about being emotionally sensitive coupled with overstimulation from your senses at a city festival.

Well, what I meant was that you are actually able to identify your emotions. I cannot identify my emotions a lot of the time. I spent many years completely devoid of emotion because I would stifle it before it rose. When I finally let myself feel my emotion again, I was overwhelmed. After I learned to cope with it better, I began to realize that I felt various emotions, but I couldn't tell what they were or why I was feeling them.

It's confusing.

I don't envy your hyper-sensitivity to stimuli, but I would like to be able to recognize when I am feeling sensitive.

Add to that keeping emotional distance to people you feel you can connect to in order to protect yourself from disappointment.

I definitely know all about that. Another thing I learned very young. And, it has hurt me so much more than it has saved me. I hate that distance, but it is very hard for me to overcome because I, quite honestly, don't know how to. I feel like I'm just floating on a buoy in the middle of the sea. I see people, I reach for them, but then I can't hold on because I don't know what to do once they are nearby. All I can do is learn, though.

Sitting outside and thinking... Watching the stars from the balcony... Beatiful

Yes, very calming, pleasant, and freeing. It's nice to just BE sometimes, without having to "be someone".

reply to post by ottobot


Hey ottobot,

"I LIVE and am learning to be Alive."

So true

The sensitivity part is a curse and a blessing at the same time. You see, hear and feel things other people would just leave unnoticed. Lying in bed and hearing the bats hunting outside is a good example
The curse part would be to suffer a mental blockade from overstimulation in a crowd or when under a high level of stress at work...
Have to accept it, cut the caffeine and block out one or two of my senses from time to time to get back down.

Sadly for me, overcoming the emotional distance is not too difficult. It is keeping it with people who do not "deserve to have me" or where I know I can not get what I hope for.
I am not religious but at times I wished the universe/god/spaghetti monster/$deity would send me an angel/kind soul who would see through my shield.
Last weekend it happened, with me not having my guard up.
Guess what: She has a boyfriend...
That is one wicked sense of humor the universe has

Have to keep some distance while not denying my inner child the closeness I need.

Take care

This is a fantastic thread.

With some great help from SolarE-Souljah's aura reading in another post, I would like to extend some pure love and healing energy to all those around the world who need it.

If you are feeling sad, angry, depressed, unhealthy, or anything negative, please accept my positive healing love energy now

*

Originally posted by RationalTeddy
reply to post by ottobot

 

Sadly for me, overcoming the emotional distance is not too difficult. It is keeping it with people who do not "deserve to have me" or where I know I can not get what I hope for.
I am not religious but at times I wished the universe/god/spaghetti monster/$deity would send me an angel/kind soul who would see through my shield.
Last weekend it happened, with me not having my guard up.
Guess what: She has a boyfriend...

That is one wicked sense of humor the universe has

Who cares if she has a boyfriend? Boyfriend is not Husband. If she's as awesome as you say she is, that guy should have married her already. (Assuming, of course, she is old enough to be married.)

Maybe the reason she had a boyfriend when she met you is so that she could see how much better than her boyfriend you are and then you can be her boyfriend.

Maybe the reason she had a boyfriend when she met you is so that you will learn how to open yourself to her without getting too attached, and when she dumps the bf, you will be able to give her time on her own before trying to get closer.

I don't know, I'm just trying to look on the bright side for you, RationalTeddy.

For myself, I have no hope that there is anyone to help me. I am 99.9% sure I was destined to be alone on that front. Ruined my chances already.

And, the thing I want more than anything is to be able to trust someone and know how to love.

The universe does, indeed, have a wicked sense of humor.

I'm sorry I can't be of more use, I am having a weird day of trying to figure things out. /sigh

Originally posted by ottobot

Originally posted by RationalTeddy
reply to post by ottobot

 

Sadly for me, overcoming the emotional distance is not too difficult. It is keeping it with people who do not "deserve to have me" or where I know I can not get what I hope for.
I am not religious but at times I wished the universe/god/spaghetti monster/$deity would send me an angel/kind soul who would see through my shield.
Last weekend it happened, with me not having my guard up.
Guess what: She has a boyfriend...

That is one wicked sense of humor the universe has

Who cares if she has a boyfriend? Boyfriend is not Husband. If she's as awesome as you say she is, that guy should have married her already. (Assuming, of course, she is old enough to be married.)

Maybe the reason she had a boyfriend when she met you is so that she could see how much better than her boyfriend you are and then you can be her boyfriend.

Maybe the reason she had a boyfriend when she met you is so that you will learn how to open yourself to her without getting too attached, and when she dumps the bf, you will be able to give her time on her own before trying to get closer.

I don't know, I'm just trying to look on the bright side for you, RationalTeddy.

For myself, I have no hope that there is anyone to help me. I am 99.9% sure I was destined to be alone on that front. Ruined my chances already.

And, the thing I want more than anything is to be able to trust someone and know how to love.

The universe does, indeed, have a wicked sense of humor.

I'm sorry I can't be of more use, I am having a weird day of trying to figure things out. /sigh

edit on 7/9/2012 by ottobot because: (no reason given)

LOL! Yes, she IS old enough (What were you thinking?! )

I "just" have to keep cool and "play" it slowly. But I have to remind myself of that all the time... Assuming I will see her again

Why should you have ruined your chances? Am I assuming correctly that you are also single at the moment? Let me tell you this: IFF you had blown your chances with EVERY $YourTargetGender potential partner, you MIGHT stay alone.
(mathematical: IFF means "if some statement then, and only then, some other statement)

Until then: Keep on looking on YOUR bright side as well! (I will do it if you will)

reply to post by RationalTeddy


Haha, I don't know how old you are! So, I'm just guessing you are in your late twenties, but it's totally possible you are a teenager.

I hope you end up having the time of your life with your lady friend. And even if she only is ever a friend, I am glad that you found someone you feel like you can grow with.

Anyway, long story short on my part: I just don't have hope of ever having a successful "romantic" relationship. It's not something I want to admit, of course, but it's how I feel. Not because I'm down on myself or anything, I honestly just don't feel like pursuing that type of relationship. Seems like more trouble than it's worth, really.

But, hey, I still have the .01% chance of hope, see, I'm still hanging in there.

Oops, I meant 0.1%.

That 1/10 of 1% really just means, "I can't see that happening, but anything is possible."

:-/

Im still here! Sorry for being so distant.. Sometimes I don't know how to join in on the conversation in here. I just ended up lurking on your posts instead of converse But you are right, this IS a thread for positivity - so.. since im spending this week away from home, just outside my hometown - I took a picture just for you of the most serene scenery I know of around here

reply to post by creatureme


Haha, you're so lucky, Creatureme, thank you for the picture.

Did I ever tell you my plans for when I retire?

I'm going to live on a boat and travel between Norway and Iceland. I want to have a little hand-built stone house on a little parcel of land in each country and live off the land and sea as much as possible.

It's great you are having a mini-vacation! How are you doing?

And, what do you mean you don't know how to join in? You just did!

reply to post by ottobot


Yeah, I did, didn't I?

No, you did not tell me that! That sounds very nice.. And very carefree. And we would kinda be neighbours! What sort of boat were you thinking of getting? I used to fix up (slap some paint and tar on

- boating tar smells like heaven.. like..a scent that vibes off good hard work in the old fashion way) boats for about a year before I started working with a completely different thing.

I don't think I have such a dream.. yet. Exept for a woodland house in the middle of nowhere..

It's nice to get away and out here, the air in the city is so polluted. And my dog loves it out here, she can run freely and just.. chill, makes me happy to see her so happy Haha, her tail is spinning like a propella all the time The pregnancy is still going fine 17+2 weeks now Ultrasound in 6 days Also I am listening in whenever I want to the baby's heartbeat, I got my hands on a home doppler on ebay, hihi.

How are you doing? Still working out?

reply to post by creatureme

Well, when I first conceived of this idea, I thought I wanted a yacht. After I learned more about yachts, I decided I'd rather have a sailing sloop, something like this:



I'll see you around in like 30 years, neighbor!

It's funny, too, my more immediate plan is to have a woodland farm in the middle of nowhere!

And I will, too, in a couple of years. I'm very stubborn, I will do what I set out to do. I'm already about five years ahead of my "what do I want to do in this life?" plan. I'd moved away from my home state to a state I'd always wanted to live, finished college, started a home business, got a job I like, bought a house, and had 3 kids all before the age of 27. Honestly, I hadn't planned to do all those things until I was at least 32. But, life works out in odd ways, and I take opportunities that are presented to me.

The rest of the list is something like: work more on music and painting, travel to Europe within the next year, buy a farm and be a farmer, write a book, and retire to a life of ease. I'm sure I'll add a lot more to this list as time goes on, but that's my rough plan for the rest of my life. Well, if I get to live a long life, anyway.

I'm glad your pregnancy is going well, you're almost halfway through it already! Yes, the doppler can be a very good tool to ease worrying and makes you feel closer to the baby. Are you feeling big movements yet?

Haha, is this the same dog (Vinny?) that you posted a picture of before? That dog is really cute and happy looking...

Yes, I'm still exercising. I've been improving a lot, and I've decided to focus on swimming and running. I can now swim 20 laps in 32 minutes and run ~4.1km in 31mins. I started out at 15 laps/32mins, 3.05km/31mins. It's pretty exciting for me to see these improvements, even though I'm not super fast.

Are you still swimming and spinning?

reply to post by ottobot


ok, was picturing the same type in my head - robust and all that Nice!

I am 25 and I don't even have a list! Its very impressing that you managed to get ahead of "schedule" Im kinda jealous! But its very inspiring tho, and I need a bunch of that sort of thing.. the fear of going through with it, you know. You think I should make a list for myself?

I for one, is already in the bookwriting progress Have given myself a year from now to finish the whole thing.

As for the pregnancy, I havent felt any movements yet - I appear to just be passing gas every time I think I feel something But when I lye on my stomach I can feel that the uterus is bigger than ever and that there is something in there. I can hear the baby move with the dopler tho.. just cant feel it yet.

Haha, yeah that's my doggie - she is the most wonderful dog I have ever met and when the time comes and she passes - every dog I get in the future will be named after her. Haha, the name came with the dog, I dont think I would have named her that if I had got her as a puppy, but now it has great meaning all of a sudden

I work out all the time! I mostly do spinning - think I am going to switch to swimming when my tummy gets so big I cant fit the bike. I think its awesome that you keep track and see those improvements - I just go to the classes, sweat like a pig, my face gets all red and then I head back home