Dear Ottobot and Rational Teddy

Have now read through your posts, and are slightly hitting myself in the head - because the issues that you guys are talking about is what I have been trying to convey all the time. But I haven’t found the words for it.. I don't think it’s a language barrier thing, it just I am not good at that sort of stuff.. I think I feel a bit too primitive sometimes and just.. Write like a lost person who has no real words ( I guess you knew all the time what I was talking about, but I am so incredible insecure of myself and feel that I have to state the obvious, I think)

I don't trust people either, that’s why I go on and say that I think they are unkind, and everybody is out to hurt each other, including me. And I know all this must stem from all the insane crap I had to take over the years. You don't hit a sensitive child that won't go to sleep.. It started when I was 4 and when the physical abuse stopped the psychological mistreats was there waiting to catch me and beat me up. I have been mistreated by parents, other family, friends, authority and workplaces and it made me into a wreck. So far, this year has been the best year ever and I am so incredibly thankful that the Universe sent me my partner and now a child on the way. All the practical worries have decreased to a bearable level.

But I struggle with the most difficult issues. I have no self-worth. I don’t have the capability to have a discussion with someone, because I "know" they are only out to win and beat me with those fancy phrases and their accumulated knowledge they so eagerly want/need/must/have to show off. In many cases, to get the affirmation they need to feel good. Idiots..

It feels like everything everybody say or do is egotistic. I can be so incredibly paranoid at most times and take a goodhearted advice for something completely different and it’s always in a bad way, and that can create chaos in my mind for several days after. Even now, when I read through what I have written, it reads like crap and the angst for you seeing this as “ well, she didn’t quite get what we were talking about” or “ My god, she must be really confused, sick or needs serious help” – stuff like this. And I feel so juvenile, because I can't comprehend how others experience me and I am so afraid of not being accepted or liked. I always experience people around me backing away from me for some reason they don't want to tell me.

This is what I am working with at the moment in therapy – Not trying to break down everybody’s intentions or thoughts about me. Because in most cases.. They are not true.. But even knowing this doesn’t make me want to trust them, be with them or try to connect with them.

The other day I understood and experienced how weak I actually am as a person. It was only a simple game in a group therapy -session and it was supposed to be fun for everybody after doing some relaxation and yogastuff.
We each had our own balloon and we were supposed to tap it with our hand around the room without dropping it on the floor, no biggie. And after 5 min, we had to start trying to tap the balloon out of each-others hands while trying to look out for our own balloon.

Then we had to pair up and watch our balloon while trying to slap the others balloon out of course. It escalated into a child’s play were everybody went crazy (about ten people) and was running and jumping all over the place trying to slap all the balloons they could see. I became left out, and lonely. Like I was when I was a child. Letting the confidents take over. It was awful.. I became invisible. The underdog’s doormat. Later I went to the bathroom as fast as I could to cry. And it was wonderful, to be alone to do my crying. I didn’t want to show the therapists how affected I was by this, and I think that was a huge mistake.

Sorry for rambling on.. I haven’t had the energy to write or engage in this thread for a while. I just wanted to focus on this today, to take it seriously and just… be here..


Ottobot:
I don’t think I am missing anything in my life.. I have just been through a lot and struggling to find myself. I don’t know either who I am or supposed to be. Often I don’t even know how to explain the right things or saying the right stuff to feel respected and loved. I am just.. a creative person and nice person.. with secret episodes of panic attacks, intense crying over things that has nothing to do with me (ex.people cheating on their partners, or people dying in wars)angst and depression. I am terrified of people thinking of me like a confused, stupid and whimsy person.. Because I heard someone say that about me in the past, behind my back while I listened without their knowledge.. It’s devastating. .. Rambling again.. My head is full of chaos all the time, I am borderline..

Originally posted by creatureme
Lying in my bed, surfing the internet.. I don't feel sleepy. It's boring and my current activity seems meaningless.

weve al been in this situation, your in bed, on the internet, you get bored, but remember if you play with it too much it'll fall off lol

sorry, i tend to use humor to cheer up sad and lonely people....did it work????

come on, i saw u smile lol

Originally posted by creatureme
Dear Ottobot and Rational Teddy

Have now read through your posts, and are slightly hitting myself in the head - because the issues that you guys are talking about is what I have been trying to convey all the time. But I haven’t found the words for it..

I don't have any trouble understanding what you mean, I think you are doing very well at expressing yourself.

I am so sorry to hear of your childhood troubles, I am in the same boat - where that worthlessness I learned there still affects me now. But, I am extremely glad to hear that you are able to bear life now, it seems like things will only get better!

I know it doesn't seem like much consolation sometimes, but you survived all that. You somehow made it all this way in one piece. Now, it is time for you to Live.

But I struggle with the most difficult issues. I have no self-worth. I don’t have the capability to have a discussion with someone, because I "know" they are only out to win and beat me with those fancy phrases and their accumulated knowledge they so eagerly want/need/must/have to show off.

Honestly, I keep a dictionary around to look up big words people use - just to see if they are using them correctly. Personally, I believe that if a person can't explain a complex idea in simple terms, then s/he doesn't actually know what s/he is talking about. And, one way to always "win" these arguments is to ask questions. When people start getting angry that you're finding all of the loopholes in their story, you know you've won. But, seriously, it's not a competition! You are just as smart as anyone else,just in different areas: cooking, home decorating, claymation, photography, overcoming anxiety, dealing with depression, and so on. You have a set of skills unique to You. And, I like it when you share what you know!

I can be so incredibly paranoid at most times and take a goodhearted advice for something completely different and it’s always in a bad way, and that can create chaos in my mind for several days after. Even now, when I read through what I have written, it reads like crap and the angst for you seeing this as...

Here's what I really think: "Oh, Creatureme, I wish I could give you a hug. You seem like such a nice lady, and I would actually like to be friends with you in real life, which is a big deal since I normally can't stand being around females for very long."

This is what I am working with at the moment in therapy – Not trying to break down everybody’s intentions or thoughts about me. Because in most cases.. They are not true.. But even knowing this doesn’t make me want to trust them, be with them or try to connect with them.

Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Our thoughts are worse than anything anyone else could ever think or say. One trick I have learned is that when I hear those thoughts go through my head, I listen to see if they are lies or not. If they are lies, I discard them as false. Anything about someone else's thoughts ("She probably thinks I'm an idiot.") are false. Because, only "She" knows what she is thinking!

The other day I understood and experienced how weak I actually am as a person. It was only a simple game in a group therapy -session and it was supposed to be fun for everybody...I became left out, and lonely. Like I was when I was a child. Letting the confidents take over. It was awful.. I became invisible. The underdog’s doormat. Later I went to the bathroom as fast as I could to cry. And it was wonderful, to be alone to do my crying. I didn’t want to show the therapists how affected I was by this, and I think that was a huge mistake.

I don't think that makes you weak. It just means that nobody has listened to you in your life. That wasn't a fun game for you because you haven't learned how to reach out to others yet. There's no rush, I think you are doing well - you stayed for whole game! Sure, you cried, but you realized why you cried. That is a good thing.

I don’t think I am missing anything in my life.. I have just been through a lot and struggling to find myself. I don’t know either who I am or supposed to be. Often I don’t even know how to explain the right things or saying the right stuff to feel respected and loved.

People who respect and love you will respect and love you even if you NEVER talk. You know who these people are.

I am just.. a creative person and nice person..

This is who you are at the core.

with secret episodes of panic attacks, intense crying over things that has nothing to do with me ... I am terrified of people thinking of me.

These are insecurities. Recognize them for what they are - imaginary insults - and recognize why they bother you. Just because one person was rude doesn't mean we all think the same thing. I think you're nice and funny and smart and creative and interesting.

Dear ottobot and creatureme,

I am sorry to hear you were mistreated as children!
I think we "know" most things already. But if it is for you only a bit like with me, it is quite difficult to apply this knowledge, because the negative feelings are stronger. Heart over mind anyone?
And I am also afraid that this is something that will never completely go away, ever. So if that actually is the case, I have to learn to live with it.

ottobot,
In one of your previous posts you mentioned you would like to be like me? Guess what, it is not that easy being me sometimes. I just had to find out again this weekend Talk about being emotionally sensitive coupled with overstimulation from your senses at a city festival. Add to that keeping emotional distance to people you feel you can connect to in order to protect yourself from disappointment.
Sitting outside and thinking... Watching the stars from the balcony... Beatiful
And you are welcome, I liked going through this with you since this is also some sort of reflection on myself.

creatureme,
Do not put yourself down because you might think you are inferior in knowledge. It most probably is not true!
This is also not a debate thread but about positivity. So we are not arguing or trying to win but trying to explain our point of view of the world we live in and compare it with what the other people experience.
In the end it is about writing things down and maybe even get some moral support
The "game" you mentioned sounds silly to me, because it actually hurt you instead of helped you. You are a kind and sensitive person and slapping the balloon from someone's hand is dominating in a certain way which, I think, is not how you are at the core. I think you should not hide this from your therapist but tell him/her in private.

Sorry if I did not address every point, I feel sort of scatterbrained at the moment... A lot happened this weekend (positive and negative) so I am a bit overstimulated and processing things.

Take care y'all

Originally posted by RationalTeddy
Dear ottobot and creatureme,

I am sorry to hear you were mistreated as children!
I think we "know" most things already. But if it is for you only a bit like with me, it is quite difficult to apply this knowledge, because the negative feelings are stronger.

Yes, this is also my problem. I get lost in the negativity and can't see any way out. Those feelings of powerlessness, incompetence, and hopelessness are awful.

Heart over mind anyone?
And I am also afraid that this is something that will never completely go away, ever. So if that actually is the case, I have to learn to live with it.

Exactly. But as you pointed out earlier, it's the LIVE part that matters.

So, then, we should say, "I LIVE and am learning to be Alive."

ottobot,
In one of your previous posts you mentioned you would like to be like me? Guess what, it is not that easy being me sometimes. I just had to find out again this weekend Talk about being emotionally sensitive coupled with overstimulation from your senses at a city festival.

Well, what I meant was that you are actually able to identify your emotions. I cannot identify my emotions a lot of the time. I spent many years completely devoid of emotion because I would stifle it before it rose. When I finally let myself feel my emotion again, I was overwhelmed. After I learned to cope with it better, I began to realize that I felt various emotions, but I couldn't tell what they were or why I was feeling them.

It's confusing.

I don't envy your hyper-sensitivity to stimuli, but I would like to be able to recognize when I am feeling sensitive.

Add to that keeping emotional distance to people you feel you can connect to in order to protect yourself from disappointment.

I definitely know all about that. Another thing I learned very young. And, it has hurt me so much more than it has saved me. I hate that distance, but it is very hard for me to overcome because I, quite honestly, don't know how to. I feel like I'm just floating on a buoy in the middle of the sea. I see people, I reach for them, but then I can't hold on because I don't know what to do once they are nearby. All I can do is learn, though.

Sitting outside and thinking... Watching the stars from the balcony... Beatiful

Yes, very calming, pleasant, and freeing. It's nice to just BE sometimes, without having to "be someone".

This is a fantastic thread.

With some great help from SolarE-Souljah's aura reading in another post, I would like to extend some pure love and healing energy to all those around the world who need it.

If you are feeling sad, angry, depressed, unhealthy, or anything negative, please accept my positive healing love energy now

*

Oops, I meant 0.1%.

That 1/10 of 1% really just means, "I can't see that happening, but anything is possible."

:-/

Im still here! Sorry for being so distant.. Sometimes I don't know how to join in on the conversation in here. I just ended up lurking on your posts instead of converse But you are right, this IS a thread for positivity - so.. since im spending this week away from home, just outside my hometown - I took a picture just for you of the most serene scenery I know of around here