Debilitating Anger

they don't really say that... they just ignore me. I've been complaining about this for years and tried plenty of good health and teetotling but I find more motivation in indulgance... honestly. I can motivate myself all day with the right tools and good coffee but the underlying issues are only allowed to fester... and not by my choice. I give up sometimes trying to be perfect because I find great relief in that and never really do anything even remotely crazy or dangerous... but they have certainly got the noose very tight right now.

You are obviously in a bad situation and in a place in life that is just not RIGHT for you.

These emotions will continue to fester inside of you unless you isolate yourself from its source!

Sorry - I don't know what the situation is, but it does not sound healthy to me!

I feel that I am going to have to share at least one example.

I'm all ears!

when i was 19 i used to keep my hair very short. I did this myself because i didn't like the way people in stores cut it and would try to get one friend to help me with the back and it made her uncomfortable and I never understood why. There was this dumb boy she liked who usually went out with easy girls but this girl was not easy so he'd tease her about being a lesbian and this was a dumb time socially for us anyway at 19... so she started dodging me cause...well, i guess she was tired of being a virgin. Too many times we had hung out and i wound up "with" someone because I moved a little faster at that age and despite me having short hair or any of the other dumb stuff i did, i wasn't short on guys to party with... but in the absence of true love, that's just drunken nonsense. Fun, but you need your more sober friends that are not so ready to talk you into chugging beer till you're passed out.

So anyway...she needed some time to go out and get her own kind of attention without my distraction. I did NOT understand this and felt very insecure about it and found hard to spend time with anyone without a party going on... plus when it was just me and her, we were BOTH lonely and looking for something to "do"

So...out on my own to find a party and people who are smiling and happy.... which is often a pretty dumb idea on your own...especially when you are carrying party favors and are driving and have absolutely no idea where you are going.... but parties WILL be found... and so the party happened and got crazy and then the man of the house starts making passes at me and his wife used to be another friends of mine... so i need to leave drunk and all. then I put my truck in the ditch because i forgot to turn the lights on..started walking and feeling kinda bad about life while drunk out of my mind... and kinda pissed about abother party i wen to weeks before where this girl i tried to be friends with tried to kick my ass because she thought i was after her man and she had no idea how little my interest was in him despite his feelings for me... so yeah, I was highly put off that he started a fight between us... plus the fact that she had to be so damn dumb to be so pretty.

anyway... I'm just walking...pissed off, drunk, sad, lonely, tired... get picked up by a state trooper. He told me I was going to end up getting arrested. i laughed and said "oh, I've never been to jail before... let's go to jail"...so yeah, he takes me to jail... which i don't blame him personally, but what happened afterward is where # gets really weird.

This is just one example now... but will take time to show how this goes from little ol me in small town georgia to # half of the people on here can't even imagine.

reply to post by BlackSatinDancer


I was speaking of your passive aggressive stance towards the statement.. What was posted was merely a concern for life on the planet..

reply to post by BlackSatinDancer


You went to jail? Or are you implying rape? Abuse?

please indulge, friend!

reply to post by BlackSatinDancer


That sounds pretty hectic...

I also want to hear the rest of this...

But it is fast approaching midnight in my part of the world, and I need to go and get some beauty-sleep... lots of work to do tomorrow and the world is coming to an end too

Will look for your replies tomorrow.

Good night to you too, friend EvanJP

So they bring me in to the county jail and book me with public drunken disorderly conduct. the put me in a holding cell with another woman. she was sleeping. it was well into the morning by now and I was still amped. The only thing in my system beside small amount of pot was Lord Calvert. I should have been passed out hours ago.

They took me out of the cell because i started talking to myself but i was extremely uncomfortable. The cell was disgusting and cold... more so than usual cells.

the woman who had been sleeping got up and called for the gaurd and the gaurd came without question... very unusual for someone who had just been booked. She whispered something to the gaurd and they took me to a medical room with a medical table/chair thing in it and stated asking me what else i had been doing. To which i informed them nothing and they obviously assumed i was lying. They brought me out of the medical room and this one particular woman instructed the other nurse and gaurds that she wanted me in a certain cell. they put me in that cell and sat young attractive black men outside in the hallway with guard standing feet from us behind a counter and she was pretending to be busy.

They kind of started trying to relate to me but we didn't really have that much in common. i think i wound up trying to talk to them like i would try talking to my other male black friend who listened to the music we liked... i would try to give him good advice and crap like that, that i couldn't even take on my own... but i would try and we would talk and drink like that and that is the kind of conversation it was... so they took the young black guys out of the hallway because they couldn't make heads or tells of what was going on in my life (probably trying to bust other people I know for hard drugs)

so then they brought in this other black man whose face i could not see and he started passing pen and paper to me... which in jail is contraban if you are not allowed to have it and if you are, it does not cross your cell door. he was passing it to me right in front of the gaurd to get me to write things out rather than talking. he started asking me about things i like to do other than drink and i told him read (had been reading the lord of the rings-- 2 towers)... i started writing crap about 2 towers and how one would fall (I had not finished the book...was SO drunk, tired, dehydrated... just rambling you know)... I started getting aggitated because i felt they were harrassing me. i informed him in my drunken state that BOTH towers would fall (because I was being cynical that there is no good in the world...perceived good is merely deception) and then I told the guard to make the informant next to me stop passing me contraban.

I started PACING the floor because i was still amped and feeling very clausterphobic. I thought I could wear myself down if I sang a little. but was SO DRUNK... I couldn't remember the words to any songs.

but... energy was still escaping me and so I started ranting, sort of chanting... but my slurring problem was all of the sudden cured. I was speaking with clarity but now on a level which I had no idea where it was even coming from. Without giving it any thought, without premeditating ANY of these words... I said something really strange.

I will put it in the next post because there is what was said, but there is what was immediately meant... then there are different versions of it after the fact... and then STILL there are different interpretations... when in fact, it means nothing at all.

So why is it in a major motion picture?

AH... damn good question!

For the longest time i wondered about these things and could get no answers despite that I KNEW other people KNEW... I think people might have even been mildly BLACKMAILED over this.

I am not joking. t is SO stupid and screwed up.

reply to post by BlackSatinDancer


Very interesting... Where do we see this in a major motion picture?

Here are some tips on anger management.....from the Mayo Clinic.....I think no matter what form of anger you have these techniques will help.....


www.mayoclinic.com...


To the author of this thread.....I am curious....do you suffer from debilitating anger?

Originally posted by EvanJP
reply to post by BlackSatinDancer

 

Very interesting... Where do we see this in a major motion picture?

There are some important things that need to be pointed out before I just get to the punch. It actually furthers the proof that something is askew in this film.

Here's how it goes (supposedly)
Movie director request these specific people who are NOTORIOUS for sampling and drugs... and no, it's not rap. that right there is a huge clue. I originally thought that a slip of my name on a message forum in 2001 was how they found this recording, but now I must think about it differently i think. The crazy movie director brings the recording to that particular artist to make a song out of to be used in this movie. hat is more than likely how it actually happened but who knows at this point. The artist is very tight lipped about it and I will go further into that.

Here's the thing... when you watch the movie, they are actually preforming the song in the movie... yet they screw up their own lyrics. You go to the webpage of that band and read the lyrics, the lyrics are wrong. When you read the lyrics and you watch the video you can clearly see that the last line- they got it wrong, but what is interesting is what they used to replace that mistaken line.... is still from the original recording... but you will never ever ever hear that in any movie or any song... oh god at least not yet.

How do I know... because I said it and I also know what the next line was and what else was said and all the screaming that did after that as they were restraining me after I laid down. The guard told me to lay down, I did... they came over there and was holding me down I have no idea why... my back started arching up off the metal cot... I don't know if they were mildly tasing me through the metal because they will do stuff like that... but yeah, I started screaming my head off and that too has made it's appearance in death metal songs but the death metal industry is often very hard to track.... bands just come and go, half of the time you don't even know who is in it... they release one song online and then poof they are gone.

but anyway.. if they heard the recording, they would have known about the missing line... and there it is... so that is just another thing that makes me aware it was from that recording and they have this in their possession... someone does... or did.
but secondly, it also shows that those preforming do not have a lot of original familiarity with what is actually being said.

They hear it, but they are not clear because they are not the ones who said it.

They claim to be.

I tried for the longest time to see if I could get some info on this through the music industry because I talk to people and you have no idea how many times certain "old legends and info about me that people online just shouldn't know about. So either people in that industry know things (and I know some of them obviously do because they are credited with stuff they didn't do... unless their drug problem is THAT bad that they actually think they did it)... and it seems like a lot of them know things but it is also well known that I have some serial internet stalkers that have followed me from site to site pretending to be other people. Either that or a lot of these artists are just plain cowardly or sadistic and are trying to drain me as well. That has happened as well. When it became obvious that being used that and not even being thrown a bone really got to me... it started happening with other artists and other conversations I would have with people. Most of them probably have no idea this is happening, others will just use what they can and do not care who it hurts.

Now before I cut to the chase... I must explain my perspective before telling you what was said.

reply to post by BlackSatinDancer


Okay... Well, I understand where you are coming from, I am interested, but I need you to cut to the chase my friend! I want to know.

As I was pacing the floor in the cell the guard was not looking at me but she was there to observe me the whole time... and was recording me apparently, but they reserve the rights to do this when are arrested. It does not give a movie director the right to torment me and drive me insane in an effort to extract some more "neato stuff" ... like what some people think is prophecy.

I thought that her trying to play that off that was so sickingly silly and annoying... I wanted to puke on her or something but instead I began "prophesying"

I was drunk AND bored.... ok?

With an mischievous side glace at her and I spouted "WAGE WAR ON THE EYE WHICH CANNOT SEE"

People after the fact have taken this to mean the pyramid on the dollar, which is actually very interesting because I had been thinking about the capitalist system that day and might have even tried talking to it with those black boys sitting in the hall who might have been talking about ways to make money.

These boring idiots. They want to talk about making money with crack and see if I bite into that subject and I'm like "the capitalist system has designed you to lose" ... and they are like "huh"... ok, whatever- you're right, let's smoke crack.

I'm not 100% positive I have even SEEN real crack.

anyway... Next line... I look up to the ceiling with my head bent way back and say
"DESTROY THE TEMPLE OF EMPTINESS".... again, more reference to capitalist system will made from this.

And then my conscious growls
"BUT WHAT ABOUT THEM IN THE WAKE OF DAMNATION"

and then apprantly I find out I have a counter conscience... huh, what... anyway?

"WELL WHAT ABOUT US? WE CAN'T SEE GOD?"

"DO **WE** COME FROM GOD"

Then the lady rushes in, says "GEt on the bed!"....I immediately walk over to the bed and laid down and they put their hands on me and I said "DON'T TOUCH ME"... but they wouldn't take their hands off me and then it was just pain and i was screaming and i started seeing soldiers marching and I knew all was lost and i saw paper all over the place... just meaningless paper falling everywhere. I knew all was lost. I knew I would never have anything in this world. I knew all my efforts to be a part of this world would fail and I cried and i cried and I cried as they wheeled me out of the cell in a wheelchair because I was completely dysfunctional at that point.

In less than one year I was set up and incarcerated again for 79 days with a bond of that of someone who tried to kill someone so that there would be no way that I could go home while they observed me more. All sorts of weird things happened and one thing that always tickles me is that if you dig around, you will find a picture I hastily drew with an ink pen on yellow note book paper after having a dream in jail... they took it and copied it... it's with all the other crap in my file. It's not well done, but it was a warning. I didn't know it at the time but I know my guardian will kill me himself to keep people from messing with me. I have even asked him to. I did not know it at the time but the picture i drew was of me and my guardian.... and our enemies.

Your comment on the eye which cannot see... Could be the eye of the dollar bill (considering that this is thought to be the eye of lucifer and is his right eye, which he is blind in). OR, it could be the pineal gland, third eye, in which we are systematically made to shut of via calcification etc, fluoride in the water, horrible genetically engineered food, aspartame, etc.

So the part I have said in quotes is a short verse in this song and they wrote a lot of other related stuff around it... and they got the feeling pretty dead on... but look up the lyrics, watch the movie... the last line of that verse is out of place.

They got a girl to sing the other parts who sounds like me, but I can easily tell a difference... easily, but then again I know my own texture. I have no idea why they did not simply do it with her voice... perhaps they want to retain the vibes from the original... I don't know.

What's interesting is that this movie director has articles about him that claim he has a crazy stalker lady that is also stalking actresses he knows.... and she seems to have some VERY interesting info, but largely spirals off into quackdom... and not even jokingly. They ARRESTED her. That is directly disinfo.

I can't even #ing complain without looking like a complete basket case.

reply to post by BlackSatinDancer


What movie, what song?

Originally posted by EvanJP
Your comment on the eye which cannot see... Could be the eye of the dollar bill (considering that this is thought to be the eye of lucifer and is his right eye, which he is blind in). OR, it could be the pineal gland, third eye, in which we are systematically made to shut of via calcification etc, fluoride in the water, horrible genetically engineered food, aspartame, etc.

yes... i have absolutely no idea why I said it but blindness is definitely a common theme in this life.

Out of nowhere it seemed to come just from looking in that womans eye, that was watching me but was not een looking at me... all very weird. Some Christians claim that vidion is proof of god and others say the eyes are the windows of the soul.

We see but we don't see.

I have a lot of thoughts on that... there is a sickness i believe in. Produces "madmen" and "blindmen" and some other variations... everyone has got it or will ave it to some degree at some point in their life.

You can definitely attach some meaning to it... but originally, it was merely about that woman... kinda funny.

Originally posted by EvanJP
reply to post by BlackSatinDancer

 

What movie, what song?

you can't extract it? it's there... let me do some more work up on it and maybe I will even find a movie clip.

It's important that you see that they don't even know the words to their own song. IO also want to get the full song version and open audacity and tell you what parts are not Deborah.

I can clearly hear what is being said, they apparently cannot and this is such sloppy work, it makes me wonder if they did this sloppy of a job on purpose... but I also learn as time goes by, that people think they are so smart while thinking others are idiots... so maybe they really thought they could pass this off.

well, so far- they've gotten away with it and it's even about an individual mentioned in plenty of conspiracies on this very site... but no one is going to #ing care and the prrof is right there in the song through analysis... but this will fall completely on deaf ears.

watch.

why go around telling everyone so i can again be arrested and this time put in prison for stalking like that other lady?

This is just one small piece of it people...seriously.

this is why i needed a memory card to make videos of me just talking so i could just let you watch it instead of read... but deaf ears.. I cannot get my hands on ANYTHING I need right now. i am steps away from a memory card but this company i have been dealing with who tried to regress me keeps me broke and my family all tied and in a place where we are not even from... our family is not here but they have strung my family along all these years and i have to depend on someone else second by second and have to explain a lot that i do.... even though i'm not really doing that much but trying to clean house and get the # outta here!... but i can't clear out because they have the only vehicle i use tied up at work... it's at the company right now and they gave these hours to make everything a lot more difficult.

All i could really do to stop thinking about all this and very very angry and sad is drink myself to sleep but my mouth gets big when i do that and that is what they want me to do because they think that in me, it's a path.

they do all sorts of things to get me into that situation again.. that frame of thought...through regression they have tried and trying to keep me backed into a corner... i can't do anything right now but think

think think think think... all these evil greedy people breathing down my neck... think think think think about them all day while watching bugs crawl across the wall.

These people are so filthy dirty.

people die in wars they are not responsible for while men like these perpetrate invasion of privacy, lies, confusion and abuse and no one cares... no one does anything about. you can't even make them understand it.

and it's all right there in digital #ing format.

i try telling people on a conspiracy website about what is happening to me right now and i just get laughed at.

let's see... gotta go back through some history here but al... believe he got busted in el paso and it was a federal thing... they were in trouble. is that why he went along with this for this long? did someone give him a hand out of a mess? perhaps. i don't know. all they try to do is downplay the importance of the piece, but this isn't the freaking grammy's here.

this is about a man who might be trying to deceive the entire world and has been viciously keeping a grip around my neck. that is antichrist material. i'm not saying he is the antichrist but this is connected to something that we all see here on this forum.

people thought i was going nuts when i started seeing traces of the antichrist but this is connected and even though this is just a small insignificant piece of the story... this is connected to major stuff.

WORLD PERCEPTION at stake here.


ohh...haha..aha...you're just being silly and paranoid and reading too much into things haha
..and I'm crazy when i tear my hair out?

then the # you that follows is just more of me being out of line?

no... just no!... i see evil! I can prove it!

no one cares.

This is why it is so important for me to make people understand that i am so much more angry than i appear.

If i throw a fit on the floor, I am just trying to prevent a murder or something from happening.

this anger is real, this anger is intense and it will be utilized in some way despite everyone who is trying to stop me. i don't know how and i don't know when but this anger doesn't just go away with some complacency.

This crap is really happening.

I'm carrying more anger than i should alone but again... no one cares. no one wants to stop this liar and no one cares what is happening to me and my family and I can't even make them understand. they are just watching it all slip away like everyone else does and thinks its normal. it's not normal. There is something very wrong with the world right now and with peoples perceptions and i am constantly lied to that we if we all remain calm, things will get better while bad men rob us blind and cause us to lose what we love.

so i carry it alone and it's goddamn heavy and i keep complaining about this but i still carry it alone.

when i say i'm mad some may say 'you're always mad" and i'm not really going to argue with that... but i've got a damn good reason to be.

The whole world fails me over and over and over and over.

WELL... there are no good video clips now apparently. i will keep looking for a version of the full song and also the movie clip because that is important... it's important to dissect the different pieces because it's all very composite.

EDIT... thre were videos, but it looks like many have been removed.