Originally posted by Frankidealist35
I believe that empathy is one of the greatest strengths that all humans have. It can lift us beyond where we currently are today in terms of society
if more people cared about one another. Humans aren't just things that other people can use to their own ends. They are actual people. They are
living, thinking people much like yourself. When someone gets close to someone else they develop feelings for those people, and, until you actually
marry someone, you'll need to tell other people how you feel about things. There is nothing wrong with telling other people how you feel about them.
Oh, you still have to tell 'em, even after
your married. Communication is a critical skill, and a lot of people suffer because they cannot
make themselves understood. I am all for communication. As a matter of fact, I think a person will understand a lot more about sexual intimacy if
they think of it as a form of communication.
What I said was simply that there are some things that people don't want to hear.
Look, in some ways, each one of us is totally alone in the universe. We find special people we can share parts of our lives with. But the sharing is
never total--it cannot be, unless or until we all develop psychic powers. And there are some things that are best left uncommunicated.
People joke about a woman asking "does this dress make my butt look big?" but it is a real question you will inevitably face as a man dating or
married to a woman. Likewise, another topic you automatically lose is whether another woman (not your partner) ever turns you on. In moments like
that, honesty can be both cruel and masochistic--it hurts both of you.
There are still gender roles (because they are larger than the societal waves of the last 100 years), and hetero males cannot get any respect for
being weak or vulnerable. Such men may be lauded with praise, but watch the way they are treated. You will be congratulated for your vulnerability,
but then shunted to the side as unworthy of the woman you were trying to impress.
Like we used to say in college. Once you're a guy friend, you can never be a boyfriend.
I truly believe that nearly all straight women (the subset I am interested in), want a man to take charge, lead, and overcome obstacles with regard to
making the relationship work. It gives them a rush, a heady feeling, that tells them they are worth any price, and that the man will exert himself to
Most guys totally screw this up today without even realizing it. A woman wants you to plan the date; not because she is turned on by your controlling
personality, but because it says that she matters enough for you to think the evening through before hand. Most young men of today will, if they even
a woman on a genuine date, will ask her
where she wants to eat.
She doesn't want to eat where she
wants; she wants you
to spend the time, to investigate her, study her, ask her friends, and then
surprise her with something she's never experienced before. By paying that much attention, you are telling her she is the princess, that she matters
. Most young men in this generation are not capable of sustaining the effort for anything more involved than xbox. And so they never
successfully communicate to a woman that she "could" matter that much.
It's a good thing I'm married; because frankly, there are so many women out there who have never been the focus of an adult male's attention, that
I'd be a sexual Babe Ruth instead of doing the important things with my life like I do now. Today's men are not disciplined enough to plan a lavish
dinner out with an evening at the symphony and coffee afterwards; or even the stuff I did when I was a starving student, like taking her to feed the
ducks in the park, or arranging a private tour of her favorite museum after hours. (Stuff that cost me zero dollars, by the way, and always resulted
in a home run....)
I am not saying that you should ever lie or misrepresent who you are to someone else, least of all your lover. But sometimes, you need to edit the
content a bit. IF she is miserable, she hardly wants to hear that you just got a promotion, and found a hundred dollar bill in the parking lot on the
way home. Likewise, if she depends on you to be solid and comforting when times are hard, watching you cry when you get laid off is not going to
bolster her view of you as the problem-solver, one of the qualities she loved you for in the first place.
I'm just saying you need to be prepared for the fact that there IS a double standard. People may say something else, but society, both men and
women, will ultimately judge you by the old male standard of whether you were in control of yourself and your world when the worst happened. Everyone
admires it in a man---they cannot help it. They may SAY that they admire a man who is "emotionally open," but believe it at your peril.
How many women want a man who appears weak in a crisis? How many men want a friend who may crack under pressure? They may accept it as one of your
failings, but it won't help your standing in the world one bit. Just saying.